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I just read your entire thread. For what it's worth, my now-xh of 35 YEARS told the judge he had feared for his life the last 10 yrs of our M, afraid I would kill him. This was news to me, of course. The judge made it clear to xh that he was not buying it. The waywards do re-write the marriage. Mine did. We were happy, our M was good, our family was good... all was good until what our younger daughter calls "the perfect storm" entered the picture. Don't second-guess yourself or a moment. Remember the good times, enjoy what you've built together, chalk it up to experience and move on. Save yourself for someone worthy - or, better yet, save yourself for YOU.

Also.... you might talk with your banker and ask what it will take to buy out your H, get your ducks in a row. Then, since your H seems to want nothing to do with the farm, I'd make him an offer sooner rather than later, don't wait till you're in court for the D.... Remind him that decisions need to be made toward running the farm, animal care, etc., and you are left to make them; since he wants nothing to do with any of it, just sign it over / "take your name off the deed and be done." If he doesn't want anything to do with it, let him off the hook ! Because, once he begins talking finances with the AP, she'll be all about screwing you over financially to get 'his fair share.' Thus, more for her. Give him the opportunity; with any luck, he just may take you up on your offer. It could save you both lawyer fees, as well - mention that to him. YOU have to protect YOU because, as all of us here know, he isn't going to protect you at all.

A friend of mine suggested this book that she is reading and I think it may be perfect for you to read..

The book title is:

"Runaway Husbands - The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal"

This has to be the hardest thing I have dealt with and weekends are the killer. He is off having fun with her less than two months after leaving me and I can barely function. I am trying but have no interest in things right now. :

I remember the weekends very well. You are right - they are so difficult and I knew my WS was with the OW and her 3 kids. I could barely get up in the mornings - even though I hadn't slept the night before. I had no reason to get up. I didn't want to. I just wanted to curl up and die.

My friends and children forced me to do things and all I did was complain that I didn't want to be alive any longer. I was not strong. I was a wimp and carried on for weeks. Then finally, I stopped trying to get my WS to come home. I just gave up. Knew he was gone and that was that. But, it wasn't easy. I missed him like crazy. Our children are grown up and have long moved away so every weekend was ours. We golfed, cooked, cleaned house, shopped etc. I couldn't believe that his story was so very different from mine. How could I not have seen how unhappy he was?????

I wish I could give you some advice on how to handle the weekends, but you just have to take it one minute at a time. After a few weeks, it'll be one hour and a time and after a few months - one day at a time. Keep writing and we'll keep reading and responding. We are here for you.

Just curious about what his family thinks about what is going on?

They won't talk to me. I really didn't go too crazy trying though. When he left me on my birthday I didn't know about the other woman until a week later. He came to get things from the house and said he was lying about not having a roommate because he did have one and it was her but just friends because he needed the money.

I told his sister about the other woman but nothing. He told me his family knew I wasn't right for him and they knew he didn't love me. Um, we haven't seen them together in years! He went to visit them but I stayed home.

In some ways I struggle with trying to decide if he really was unhappy and I missed it. I believe there is something with this ow but they just deny like crazy. I likely will never know. I am sure he denies her to his family and tells them he just didn't love me.

Horesegirl, I've read this expression many times, but never used it myself. "It is time to put your bitch boots on." As I reread your thread, that is all that kept coming to mind.

Your H is not going to defog as long as you long as he knows you still care about him. You need to put all your effort into

accepting reality as it it right now

, and begin taking steps to take care of your needs immediately.

Detach emotionally by employing a hard 180.

Get your legal ducks in order and serve him with D papers.

If he really is just in a fog, and loves you deep down, when his A begins to go south, he will come back begging you to forgive him and take him back. He will not hold your filing for D against you, he will respect you. You will be stronger, and be able to decide if you really even want to be with a man who has such poor boundaries and would hurt you so badly.

It's time to put your bitch boots on.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 1:06 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]

I believe there is something with this ow but they just deny like crazy

Of course they do. She left her boyfriend to be with a married man. He left his wife to be with her. Morally, they don't want to look bad. Add the fact that he's military and he's covering his ass. Look, you have to come to terms with the affair. He wouldn't have moved in with her if he wasn't and she wouldn't have left her boyfriend to move in with him if she wasn't. Two people don't up and leave their significant others in a very short period of time and move in together to just be friends. They are waiting for the divorce to be final so they can say they magically fell in love afterward. Neither of them can see that someone who can be so underhanded can be just as underhanded with each other. I suspect they will learn the hard way. But you don't have to.

This is going to hurt for awhile but it's time for you to come to the realization that you deserve better than someone who would do this is ever going to give you. Protect your assets and go no contact with them for your sanity. No more texts, no phone calls, no meetings without an attorney. You can't nice him out of the fog. You have to protect yourself.

I am covering my bases financially. I have no clue how things will turn out.

I don't know why sometimes I think they aren't having an affair. Everything points to it but sometimes I think maybe they are just friends. Ha, stupid I know. The thing is that I never saw anything beside a friendship between them before he left me. We spent all of our time together and she lived right across the street so I don't know how they would have had something physical going on. Would you leave it all for an emotional affair? That just seems unlikely to me. I guess it could happen though.

I just get so wrapped up in all the things he said like he doesn't love me and doesn't like my personality. I keep saying well how did I miss that,

I just bumped the 'Great Posts for Newbies to Read'

Please have a look. Some good stuff in there.

Would you leave it all for an emotional affair?

Yes. My H came home and asked me for a D after talking on the phone with OW for 2 weeks. They only met in person a couple of times and they only hugged...once. Really. They only hugged. My H didn't want to "ruin" their relationship by having sex before they were M. That doesn't mean OW wasn't trying to trip him up and break his resolve, though. She made innuendos, and took the conversation to sexual areas, asking "What do you think about (fill in the blank.) His response, "In M it is ok."

He failed to see that even talking about such things with a woman other than his own W was inappropriate, and led him to the point he thought he was in luuuuurve, M the wrong woman, and finally met his real soulmate.

Really, horsegirl. When they are in the fog, it takes over every millimeter of sanity and common sense in their brain. It is like an alien has taken over their minds and bodies. You are living it with your H. Hopefully he can come out of it, but he won't until the sh*t hits the fan, and he is faced with reality.

I'm so sorry you are in this pain. (((((horsegirl)))))

I just get so wrapped up in all the things he said like he doesn't love me and doesn't like my personality. I keep saying well how did I miss that,

You have to take what he says at face value and act on it. Accept that is how he feels...now. Believe him, and do what you would do if it were the truth: D him.

At the same time you have to realize he is talking foggy WS talk. He really feels that way right now, and has convinced himself he always felt that way. But you know that is not true. You won't convince him of that, however. Only the 180 on your part might...might...might...help him come out of it.

The cruelty of people having affairs is staggering, but very well documented and pretty standard. One of the biggest things they do is convince themselves that the marriage was awful, and that they were living a lie with someone they didn't love or even like.

This is why we need to detach ourselves from them. There are plenty of people here whose spouses did this and then came running back. There are plenty of others who ended up divorcing.

But the one thing I'd say to you is that, whatever happens, do NOT believe the negative things he says about you. It is sheer cruelty. You have done nothing to deserve this and you now need to be protected from it. Have you got friends in real life you can confide in and lean on? Family?

One of the things I found when I was where you are was that it was hugely comforting to spend time with people who liked me for me. Their view of me hadn't changed. I hadn't suddenly become unloveable to them, as I apparently had to the man I'd been with for 28 years.

Hard as it is, you need to accept where you are now... he doesn't love you, he's not there for you, and he's acting in a way that is horribly damaging to your interests. This is not someone you want to be in contact with.

Yes, thankfully I have lots of friends who know me and knew us together and have been shocked by his behavior. They say I have a great personality, I am honest, caring, kind and did not treat him bad. I am thankful to have people who at least can tell me that it wasn't me because you know how they try to brainwash us into believing them.

I just so want to reach out to him but I know he can't hear anything from me right now. In normal divorces without infidelity to people treat each other so damn mean?

people are mean in divorces regardless of the reason behind the D. They also lie about the M to make it seem not so bad to be ending things.

You need to accept that it was an affair. It was not an EA before he moved out, it was a PA. You didn't catch it because you weren't looking and they hid it. That's what people in As do - lie and hide. He moved out. This means he was planning his move if he already had a place to go. 3 days later she moves in with him. Do you really think she decided, in less than 3 days, to leave her LTBF and move in with YOUR husband? Who on earth, except someone in an A with the person, would feel even kind of alright moving in with a friend's husband when the friend just up and left without warning not 3 days before. They are in an affair. They were in one before he left. They were in one when he started discussing being unhappy. They were in one the day he left. They were in one the day she left, and they are in one now. Do not spend another second wondering about this. If he tells you again that it isn't, just remind him you aren't an idiot, and if he's going to continue to lie to you you'll make his life a living hell.

I also assume she ceased being your friend the second she moved in with him. Why would that be? I bet you thought she was your friend more than his, right? And yet she moves in with him and drops you? Come on, stop hoping this is a bad dream. Your H is fucking her. Your H was fucking her when he lived with you. I'm sorry - I know that hurts but you need to wake up and realize that what you hope isn't happening is happening. They are cuddling, they are sexting, they are fucking, they are making plans, they planned to live together when he still lived with you and she came over every day. They tell each other they love each other. They spend every free second together. This is an affair. Your H cheated on you. He is living with OW. He is hiding it to do better in the D.

Please, stop talking to him. You said he came over to fix a pipe. No more of that! Call a plumber and send him a bill for half of it. You have nothing to say to him, and he will do nothing but lie. As long as he knows he can come home to you, he doesn't need to miss you. You have to make yourself scarce to him. You have to make him see that you are GONE - that he's blown it. He will NEVER come back otherwise. He may never come back now. And so what? Will you ever trust him again? Will you ever believe he loves you? Will you ever feel safe? He's showing you what a weak coward he is. Why on earth do you want him?

A lot of what you feel is the pain of rejection. He's 'chosen' another. You want to be #1, and who doesn't with their spouse. But him? Please, he's a cheater, a liar, a coward, and cruel. You can do much better than that. Let the skanky OW have him. She's as gross as he is, sneaking around, lying, sleeping with someone's husband. Just gross.

Please, stop texting, calling speaking to him. And get all of the evidence you can. He's military, so in a D you will want proof of his A. Do whatever you need to do - bug his car, hire a PI, whatever, but prove this A he's having. Then you can let him know that you'll be keeping the farm, he'll be paying his half of the mortgage until you can refinance on your own, and he will not bother you, at all. If he does, you'll fight the divorce. You'll go after his pension from the military. You'll out him to his superiors with the PROOF of the A and request a court marshalling.

You don't need him. He's a pile of dog shit that is a cheating lying whore. What do you need him for?

You know he's lying about the marriage and his feelings. You were there. You've been around people that don't like you before. We all have. You catch little looks out of the corner of their eye. You hear in their voice contempt. You see them actively finding ways to avoid you. He didn't have any of those signs. Why? Because it isn't true. It's his bullshit excuse to make himself NOT the bad guy. He's a cheater, and he's the bad guy.

Get that proof, and do NOT let him walk all over you. Do NOT want him around. Do NOT contact him again, for anything beyond dictating the terms of your separation. If he fights you, go after him, hard. Let him know of your plans and that his actions will dictate how you handle this divorce, but make no mistake, it will be on YOUR terms.

Be strong. You don't need him. No one does. He's brought you misery. Be thankful he's not living there. Be thankful he left before kids were in the picture. Be thankful he's screwed up so badly that you can tell him that you will go after him with every breath in your body if he continues to lie and make this about you and your issues. This is NOTHING but his issues, his weaknesses, his lying, his whore.

Don't put up with him. You're a lot better than he is, so start acting like it.

I did need that because I was feeling weak today!

I have lots of friends who know me and knew us together and have been shocked by his behavior. They say I have a great personality, I am honest, caring, kind and did not treat him bad. I am thankful to have people who at least can tell me that it wasn't me

Lean on these friends. They know you and care about you. They want you to be happy. They may soon start telling you that they had noticed odd things about your H, things they didn't like, but didn't tell you before, because they wanted to be supportive about you. Even if they were also blindsided by his behaviors, those who truly care about you and aren't in secret A's themselves will take the moral side and stick with you.

I did need that because I was feeling weak today!

Weak? You are anything but weak. It's been nearly 2 months since this person (note, not a man) that you had built a life with, that you trusted, loved, and cared for - walked out for a whore. 2 months of working a farm alone. 2 months of being strong and holding it together and getting your life to keep moving despite a devastating blow. No, he is the weak one. It may seem like he holds all the cards, but that is only because you've let him. You hold the cards here. You are much stronger. You are honest and decent. You don't step on people and you don't lie and cheat. You aren't the weak one here, not by a long shot.

You just need to remind yourself that you're feeling understandably very hurt by his leaving, but in the end it's good he's gone because you deserve so much more, and now you're free to get it.

And again, get that proof!! Take those cards back, and hold them tightly. This is all yours to take - but you have to want it. Take his power away by not caring. That's the only power he has left - your caring. Without that, he's just a cheater that is at risk of a court marshalling. That's why he's hiding the A - he knows it will destroy him and his career in the military. Well that's just too bad. So you get the proof, and you let him know what you have, and what you want, and you get it!!