SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One person I spoke to re D yesterday gave me some information. In one packet there was a link to an article about working moms basically getting screwed.

At first when I started to read it I had a lot of anxiety and panic and OMG how can this be I'd rather stay married and just work to make him as miserable as me! (talk about f'ed up thinking).

But as I sat and processed the article, I think basically what it was saying was to stop sacrificing being a mom to be breadwinner because you are with a slacker. Live your ideal life now as much as possible because often judges try to stay with what works.

I think I have a plan now! I think I feel less hopeless now!

Rough Plan:

Since I am pregnant, working a f/t job and a p/t internship and going to school, I am going to say for my health (true) I need to cut back. I plan on cutting back in the least flexible and most demanding place (my f/t job).

I have a family budget made up. Split it in half.

My p/t internship and maybe another very small p/t job (my current cut back or another all together) would cover my half no problem.

I can take the time I have off to rest, get ahead during the day with school work so I can participate more in my son's activities, VISIBLY not just doing all the work behind the scenes as I do.

There is NO reason H couldn't get a job that could net him at least enough for his half of everything. And that would be EVERYthing even incidentals.

I lose my f/t job there goes the health insurance hitch. Each of us gets gov't healthcare at our own expense (as I do with my school bill and he does with his storage bill/ebay bills).

I just can't see ANY reason to keep killing myself to take care of someone like this who only gets MORE for doing LESS. I am not attached to my career (as you can tell by the fact I am back in school to change careers). I am not attached to my credit rating (don't need it really). I am not attached to my image or a lifestyle (I prefer simplicity and minimalism). I've been chasing a dream (my grad school & internship) and why can't this other life be a dream to make happen too right?

If he can't find work, oops there goes the phone/internet (I can get mine free via library and my brother). If he can't find work, oops we're eating ramen and not shopping for anything non-food. If he can't pitch in and find something, I turn down the heat to save on the gas bill (southern whiney boy needs 78 degrees).

I'm getting excited about budget grocery shopping, freezer cooking, packing lunches to save $ and mommy stuff with more time.

Do I need a smack back to reality since reading that article?

No, you are 100% correct. This is how it is in my state. The more you earn, the more it will be taken into account. Technically, I am a SAHM so my STBX would have had to pay spousal support. I let him off that in return for his equity in the house. I do run my own business from home but I could show I was the full-time parent. I agree about being visible in what you do.

I would even go slow a bit on the studies because he will argue that soon you will be earning a million bucks in your fabulous new career.

I have got to the stage in my marriage where I do everything in the house, yard, car, you mention it. I know where you are coming from, I really do. I am paying all the bills during our in-house separation and he can't even turn off a light. Yep, he likes the house nice and toasty, too. It's like living with a teenager. I highly recommend getting rid of cable right away, hit him where it hurts!

Oh, and whatever it is he doesn't like to eat, make extra of that.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 12:28 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]

I think you need to base your decisions on what reality is not some article. Please go see an attorney.

Your choice to make these changes are great, and probably need to happen anyway, with another one on the way, however....you also need to know what to expect, and things as far as D goes can not only happen on a state level but a regional level. I live in an area that is very hard nosed about CS, and in the next county they could give a damn if the spouse responsible for it ever pays it. You need to know what to expect.

In the meantime detaching is good for you and your mental state.

I am totally the full-time parent. Until this school year he never did any of our laundry, just his own. I taught him how to ds and my laundry and said HELP.

This is also the first year he's shopped or cooked.

He tells everyone I haven't cleaned in 10 years except he forgets all the time he wasn't here and that this past year is the first he's cleaned anything since we married.

But because he nags the teachers about going on field trips (his way to get out of the house) and because he has banned me from scouts so its "his" thing - the only thing it looks like I do is hockey with ds. He could make me look really bad. But ask ds who helps him get his scout stuff DONE not just sits at his meetings and socializes. Although I think they wouldn't ask a 10 yo.

I can slow down on school stuff after this coming semester and rebudget without student loans (a plus). The kicker - my "new" career will mostly likely put me in a LOWER earning bracket for quite some time And I'm ok with that because 1) its a field I WANT to be in and 2) there are perks that are non-$ for me and for my son.

Do you think it would look bad with me saying "Listen, I've killed myself through health problems, chronic pain, etc. all these years, now if I am going to be pregnant and continue to function, I have to make these changes."

I can mention it to the lawyer I meet with the monday after thanksgiving too. Except I am having SUCH a hard time being patient now I've decided I am done with this.

Tush I've been detaching for a looong time now. I just need to get past the fear of what he is going to put me through. I think he thought he could sidetrack me with a pregnancy. I've been so wiped out for almost 3 months now it nearly worked. I'm back on track. I used to go to IC and couldn't ever figure out what she was asking when she asked if I was ok with doing all the work like what other option do I have, not like I can sign him up somewhere But you know, I don't have to knock myself out to keep him in the lifestyle HE wants. I can adjust my lifestyle to what I like and work to that and he can do more if he wants right?

The article was from the attorney I meet 12/2. 12/9 I meet with my doc who I know would support me cutting back. She's been on me to do that for years. I just always felt like I'd be letting everyone down. Now I don't care. Sounds like maybe mid-december I can get some answers on the plan.

Anyone see any tweaks I should write down to discuss with A or Dr?

Oh and I go back to IC in secret 11/25 to have another sounding board. Can't wait to see her face. She's probably going to want to commit me.

If you are the main wage-earner, the court will look at you very closely if you voluntarily reduce your hours. This is a standard tactic of cheaters, losers, abusers and low-lifes. Of course you are not one of those, but it will be looked at and considered.

Don't do anything right now until you have the advice of your attorney to back it up.

It may come down to involuntarily. I'm burning all my vaca and sick time. I'm just about out and still not able to maintain 40 hours at my regular job. Although I don't make much, I am just barely in the top 10% paid in the company so FMLA is a no go for me. The p/t job and school stuff is so flexible I can do it when I feel well enough or in little bits and pieces as I can. 9-5 M-F has become nearly impossible.

Any given week I'd say my boss would love to fire me then any opposite week say he'd just cut my hours rather than lose me. He's moody He's also been through a lot of health and family problems. Problem being, once they realize they can get my work done on less time I'll never get f/t back if I want.

Oh and I should have recognized the tactic with loser H when he did it and I just said "ok" because I didn't know I had a choice.

Although NatureGirl is correct, the pregnancy, school, internship and health will probably add up to something that does not constitute "voluntary underemployment." Establish the new regimen well before you file in a time frame consistent with advice you receive from counsel.

If I were in your shoes, I would be thinking along the exact same lines.

It wasn't a "plotting" process. It was more a process of reading through all this horrible stuff, thinking 'omg I can't do this anymore' and remembering my IC's ? - then why are you doing it? Because I was raised to be responsible, don't stop til you drop, strive for perfection. Its taken me a long time just to let go of the perfection thing LOL

Be very careful. Financials are usually determined on the work history. Hence even if a person went on unemployment the courts look at past history and potential. Get legal advice. You may find with D, you may need the F/T job.

Yep, I posted something in this forum and JFO about a similar topic...

As I am doing and as CRISP was mentioning, you should implement this new lifestyle well before you file..

Have any health issues documented with same doc, that was what I did months before I had to retire from work due to health... ( we are living off of my pension)

I was planning to leave and was gonna be forced out of this job in the next year or so anyway, had I not left when I did due to my health...

After a nice long break once I become bored silly and am going nuts, I will find another job / use my skills in a different setting that is less demanding and be better able to initiate D and afford a pending D..

In the meantime my WH's unemployment ran out..He is responsible for half of the bills, one of them is the cable bill..I have been on his back to get a job..He went out job hunting yesterday..Did a company physical today and flunked it..(yeah right)

I guess the cable is gonna get turned off

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:02 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]