If this is THE thing that helps you move on with no regrets, then it's worth it, IMO. I've had several miscarriages and found out that I was unable to carry a child to term. Had anyone pulled this shit on me, after the soul-eating heartache, I think that I would have come unglued!
Live well and be happy. Best revenge you can have with these assholes!
I've had a half night's sleep to reflect.
Yes, scan, this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.
I woke up in the wee hours. It was still heavy on my soul. The utter sadness of my STBXH's sickness. I got on my hands and knees and prayed and prayed. Think I was down there for about 2.5 hours. I haven't done this kind of prayer in a long time.
I'm tired of feeling all this hurt and I'm tired of being angry. I just am. I am moving forward. Of course, when I sent that email rant yesterday, I meant every word of it. It was the me that wasn't tired yet of being so angry. She is a trifling, disgusting whore. So what. I'm better than her. I'm taking the high road. I'm not giving him anymore headspace to put toxin and poison in my soul. He will NOT have that power over me again. Below are the emails that were sent back and forth. He doesn't truly get it. And, he is still rugsweeping the extent of his betrayal and calling it mistakes, but not my problem...like i said, I'm moving forward now.
His response to my belittling email to him:
Look we were not together for 20 years, but I guess it sounds better to you when you tell all of your friends that crap. You know what I dislike the most is that I have to deal with you for another three plus years but like I said before at least I have a little peace from you. can we just stick to what I have to pay you every month and getting rid of the truck? I mean look at the e-mails that you have sent me, man you are on some high school stuff. Get over yourself StillLivin, get a life.
My response:
We've had a friendship, not a marriage, that spanned over 20 years. I am really and truly sorry that all you can remember from our marriage is negative. I remember wonderful Christmases with the kids opening up all of the presents that I lovingly shopped for and wrapped. I remember the hot cocoa and all the cookies I've baked and you and the boys have enjoyed. LOL, I remember all three of you turning up your noses in disgust at menudo. The boys sneaking up the stairs trying to get out of helping with the dinner's preparation. OMG I remember you laughing so hard your stomach hurt when I would call them back down those stairs to get back to business. I remember how bad your gas and diarrhea was when you and the boys had my awesome lasagna for the first time! I remember every single time I've made my pasta the happiness in your eyes and the bloat in your belly. You never could push away from the table when i made it.
I remember the first Christmas, the look in your eyes when you saw all of the trouble I went to for you and your sons. You really appreciated that I felt you AND your sons were worth all of that trouble.
I remember the first time you had my turkey and stuffing. Kept telling me you don't like stuffing. Now, every year, you get the biggest portion of stuffing.
I remember the laughter, the hugs, the kisses. I remember how special I felt when we made love to each other.
Oh my goodness, all the tears when cray cray 2d ex wife did her damndest to ruin you. Gosh how I remember our tears during that time. The fear that she would be able to convince a judge to put you in prison based on her lies. She wanted to make your life a living hell and I was NOT going to let that happen to someone I loved so fiercely. I remember us sticking together as a family when she jumped in bed with the devil. I remember the fantastic news that the judge didn't buy her lies. I remember getting on the phone with your Mom and sister and getting all the details. Me AND the boys all made your birthday cake and met you at the airport. We went to Denny's and they came out and surprised you with that huge, 3 layer chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. See, we had missed your birthday because you had to face the devil in court on your day. But we all made up for it when you got back. I remember the look on your face. That look was a cross between relief and finally acceptance that it wasn't a dream, that you truly had prevailed and now you were home with your family.
I remember sticking together as a family in the fires. You, DSS#2, Renia kitty and me all in that hotel room. LOL, we were so sick of McDonald's and KFC after that month there. Uhgggg and those nasty nasty eggs they served at the hotel. You taking DSS#2 out for driving lessons.
I remember the first time taking you to the Cost Plus World Market and Tres Amigos furniture store. Man you really liked those two stores.
For a few months, I was so hurt, so lost. Instead of giving my pain to God, I turned it on you. It was easier to be angry with you than to be on the floor in the fetal position every day with body racking sobs for the hurt and devastation you and your mistress caused me.
Last night I woke up. I got on my hands and knees and prayed for almost 3 hours. I cried. I let all of the hurt out.
I wished, in the beginning, that God would see fit to let you feel the pain you and your mistress caused me. I wanted you to hurt as bad as you and she hurt me. I just couldn't understand how someone I have been so fiercely protective of and loyal to could show me such complete and utter betrayal and disrespect and for so many years. How could you hate me so much when I came home every day and performed acts of love. I cooked, cleaned, blah blah blah.
Now, I feel only happiness. I choose from this day forth to bring up only the good memories. I won't let the Devil in as he whispers and reminds me of my grief and hurt. I release my hurt and anger for your betrayal. I no longer want God to give you what you and your mistress so selfishly and cruelly gave to me.
I've come to realize that you were already in some kind of pain. Only hurting people hurt the people that love them so much.
And love you I did. I loved you with every pore in my body. I don't regret being good to you anymore. I don't regret how I cherished you and your sons. I was supposed to do that. For whatever reason, I was also supposed to go through this pain. I don't question HIM anymore. I praise HIM instead, because through only HIS love could I have finally found this strength and this peace.
Mr. StillLivin, whatever demons ride you, I pray you get them off your back and that one day you find yourself to healthy. I hope you eventually learn that happiness comes from within and from God's love. No person or possession can give you complete happiness. I pray that you find clarity and that whatever is broken inside you can somehow be fixed. I hope one day you can become the man that I know is inside you. I hope you heal and I hope you never hurt another person again, I hope that you learn to love yourself as I have loved you and as our Lord has always loved you and always will.
May you find peace in your new life. I'm sorry that I couldn't by example show you how to love yourself.
I'm so tired of being hurt and angry. I'm done with it.
I forgive you.
I forgive your mistress.
His response:
I do remember those times, this is the nicest e-mail that I have received from you in a while. I am sorry for the harsh e-mail about the get a life stuff StillLivin, that wasnt nice at all.
My response:
You hurt me to my soul. There was no emotional abuse from me. Now I'm NOT saying that I never said harsh things, just that it wasn't emotional abuse. I've always called things pretty bluntly. And I'm sorry if my bluntness over the years caused you further damage or pain. That was never my intent. In your heart, your true heart, you know the truth. You have told me one time too many that I am a better person than you and that you didn't deserve me. You have told me one time too many that I am an angel from heaven just like your Grandmother. You cannot turn around and tell me things I know aren't true because I was there. I hope you can face your truths one day.
I'm sorry for your pain. You have to figure out a way to let all that pain go or you will continue on the wrong path, and you will continue to hurt people that love you so much. You will continue to shame yourself and hate yourself. Believe me, I saw it in myself I was so hurt by your betrayal. Instead of focusing on the hurt, going THROUGH the hurt, I chose to compartmentalize it and let it become anger. I'm a good, no scratch that, I'm a really great person inside. The Devil was whispering pretty hard in my ear, though! He gets us through our love and our hurt. I have always seen your pain over the past 20+ years. I thought my love would help you. My mistake is that that was the Lord's job to heal you.
I hope you heal. I really do.
Thank you for your betrayel. Thank you for the pain. I thank HIM as well. I give praise now and forever more. I'm stronger and more virtuous for it. I see clearly the Devil's hand and how he tried to lure me.
Careful, be very careful, you have been down this road longer than me and you are further down it.
Me, I'm turning back around and heading back into the light now. It's been pretty dark where I was almost headed, but I see a lot of light in my future.
His response:
Wow may the Heavenly Father continue to send you blessings and you are right I have been dealing with my pain through the Heavenly Father. I am not perfect but am trying to work on that and you are like my Grandmother the only difference is she new how to build up a person. My Grandmother used to tell me that it was ok to fail at things becuase that is how you become stronger with the Heavenly Father. I have failed at alot of things in my life since the passing of my Grandmother, but I new she is telling me its ok just be a better and stronger man when dealing with women. See I have no problems d3ealing with a man when they piss me off but a woman is so different. I didnt mean to hurt you so deep, again I am sorry StillLivin.
