SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

JJ-

Sorry to read your story... I know the pain and devastation like everyone else here. My STBXWW is also a cold, lying, deluded POS. keptmyword has given you excellent advice--- reread his post as many times as you need to.

She will follow the cheaters handbook... the blame shifting, delusions, more lies, and pathetic attempts to justify her betrayal. It is all false--- don't ever forget that. The best thing I did, and the most difficult, was to detach as quickly as possible. Your life now is about you. At first this is terrifying, bewildering, and soul-crushingly depressing... after a while you will see it as an opportunity, and a chance at real happiness. It will change you, but you owe it to yourself to make sure it is a change for the better. Stay strong!!

Thanks for all of the advice.

I have been sequestered in this house full of memories for four days. Now I have to get out to go to work.

Every "first" is like climbing a mountain. This is the first workday morning that we weren't sitting at the table having coffee.

It is hard to believe that last Wednesday morning she sat there and had coffee with me, and 12 hours later she was sneaking her stuff out the door.

I don't know how I am going to manage to work with no food or sleep for four days and on the verge of losing it, but it has to be better than sitting here any longer.

Wish me luck.

I wish you luck today.

Also, make it clear to her when she comes for her dog that this will be the LAST time she gets to come to the house for ANYTHING, and change the locks ASAP. She doesn't get to keep disrupting your life by continually coming to the house.

Oh, and when she comes for her dog, make sure that framed picture from the attic is on the curb with the rest of the trash!!!

(((JJ)))

Hard as today may be, it will be good for you to get out of the house. It will force you to see life going on as usual, despite your inner turmoil. I was a bit taken aback to see that the world had not ended when I felt my life implode but it also helped me to find my strength.

Find your strength justjim. When you come home, exhausted, I hope you fall into a revitalizing sleep. You need to take care of yourself, you need to be resilient. As you say, there will be lots of firsts to deal with.

((justjim))

Jim my man, I know it does not look like it right now. But that bitch just did you the biggest favor of your life by leaving. All of her excuses and blame shifting are nothing more than bullshit. She is one fucked up individual and trust me on this, your better off without her in your life. And the shit with the picture ??? Well that's just a parting stab in the back. It just goes to show you the depravity and selfishness of this woman. So what's next ? As we can all see your an emotional wreck I suggest you line up some support. You need to mourn your loss and move on. And IMHO its much easier when you have people in your corner. I would suggest you line up an I/C. Shop around when looking for a therapist as not everyone fits your needs. They can be a great help during these times. Also you might want to take a look into what your employer can do for you. Many companies offer assistance and you should let them know what's going on. Your work is going to suffer, perhaps to the point of dismissal if they don't know why all of a sudden you cant function. You need to protect yourself NOW !!!! If need be take a leave of absence, FMLA, or go on short term disability. See your doctor and follow his/her directions. No shame in taking meds to help you out. Shit, if it weren't for meds I most likely would have lost everything in my life. I strongly urge you to consider them. Lean on friends and family, those who love you will support you through this.

Seek legal advice and don't put it past her to try and dick you over legally as well. If you haven't done so, expose her for who she is. Don't allow her the time to lie and make up alternate stories as to why she left. The truth needs to be told, every dirty little secret needs to come out. They say you learn more about a persons character after a relationship end then you do during. And I've found that to be very true. Best to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. And keep in mind that D is war, there are no amicable settlements after being exposed to infidelity. You do what's in the best interest of YOU. That's why its very important that people know the truth. Trust me she is going to do all in her power to damage your dignity, reputation and social standing. Your gonna hear more lies about you now that she's gone then when she was with you. That's just fact brother, so be prepared for it. Try and take care of yourself as best as possible. Eat, hydrate and exercise. It may seem very bleak right now, but things will improve with time. Do what you need to do to get by. Hang in there brother. I promise you in a year or so you will look back on this as the best thing that could have happened.

Raven96: I am trying desperately to not be petty or to let her know that these things bother me. The picture is as she left it... I don't want her to know that it bothered me.

Incidently, the picture is not from OUR wedding (I insisted that we get married at the courthouse. I'm a pretty simple guy.) The picture is from her first marriage when she snuck out in exactly the same way. She had told me the story of how she sneaked out with some pride, saying that her ex was a guy who wasn't attentive enough to her, and who wouldn't get a good enough job making enough money. She left everything except her little dog and her clothes then, too. She left him after 12 years, just like with us.

I think I am starting to see a pattern here... I believed her stories about her first marriage, but now I am starting to wonder.

And the shit with the picture ??? Well that's just a parting stab in the back

Please send that picture to her, do not keep it.

Tell her to take it when she get the dog.

And then go adopt a new puppy for your own

I have a dog, a German Shephard. She said she is leaving him with me.

Part of the heartbreak is watching him lay at the door waiting for his "Mom" to come home. I really worry about how be will react to his buddy (the other dog) being gone.

Silly that I am worried more about the dog than myself.

I agree taking the high road sir. First, it shows much more character than she could ever muster. However, I would not leave the house this time when she comes to pick up her dog. It is not her place anymore, she abandoned you and it! I would set the picture by the door and tell her to take it with her or it will be pitched.

Be strong, don't let her see any weakness, if she has more things there, pack that shit in garbage bags for her. Tell her there it is and to take it. No conversation.

The nerve of just dropping the shit on you and bailing. She gave you zero respect. Remember that jj! And the thing is, you know she is talking shit about you just like her first husband. She is the quiet guys problem now. Probably somebody she can bully and put up with her shit.

I'm sure a lot of the pain is the trust you had and the way she abused that for so many months. The way she used her mom's illness to promote her affair. I agree, unleash scorched earth my friend.

[This message edited by Smokehouse at 5:45 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]

She's being cruel to both dogs by taking one. If her dog is that old, it will have a hard time suddenly not having you and the other dog.

I'd hang the wedding picture up in a prominent location. Then, attach a dry erase marker to it. On the upper half, draw devil horns, a soul patch, pirates earring...whatever you want. On the lower half make a list of pros of her leaving.

No more mind games.

Not living with someone who could break a dog's heart.

No longer worrying about STDs.

Go to coffee with the cute girl whose been smiling at me.

Keep adding and changing...make it a type of therapy. And if she happens to see it when she comes back, oh well. She obviously left it for you.

Actually, she left it totally as a mind game and will likely claim she took it out of the attic and forgot to pack it. So maybe my suggestion isn't wise, but it would be something that would make me feel better. YMMV.

No more mind games.

Not living with someone who could break a dog's heart.

No longer worrying about STDs.

Go to coffee with the cute girl whose been smiling at me.

Great idea!

She had told me the story of how she sneaked out with some pride

How the eff does sneaking out and pride go together at all??? AYFKM???

Stronger08 nailed it. She did you a favor. She is a passive-aggressive coward who cannot face others or the consequences of her actions.

When I moved out of the apartment I did so without letting my xww know. I effectively "snuck" out too. You know why I did it? It wasn't to preserve my pride. I felt very uneasy about it but my xww had literally been hospitalized twice for breakdowns which included one suicide watch. My family, friends and lawyer all said they thought it would be safer to do it that way. That was the only reason. Pride was the last thing I felt. Seriously what pride is there in that? That story was a twisted version of the truth designed to make her look good without owning the reality of her actions. And yes, you are seeing a pattern and it's a pattern of some very unhealthy behavior to say the very least.

the picture is not from OUR wedding (I insisted that we get married at the courthouse. I'm a pretty simple guy.) The picture is from her first marriage when she snuck out in exactly the same way.

So who is in the picture?

Her and her ex or just her??

She's a flake.

Just her in the pic. In her wedding dress looking beautiful and radiant.

I guess by "pride" I meant that she explained how she had fooled him by taking the day off in secret and then getting up and putting on clothes and make up as if going to work like normal, then when he was at work doubling back to the house where she had her helpers waiting nearby.

Almost identical as what she did this time, except it was while she knew I would be out shopping for dinner items.

My jaw dropped when I read that the picture was from her first marriage. Nice subtle message. What a witch. I wasn't suggesting you play games by putting the picture with the trash. It was an even BIGGER message for you to give to her...show her what she is, and that she no longer matters in your life.

I am so sorry, but she has done you a huge favor. Stronger08 is right...do what he suggests and heed his predictions. You cannot rationalize the actions of someone so irrational. Don't let her hurt you anymore. Once she gets her dog, she should be out of your life except to finalize things.

Call a lawyer, document everything. Change the locks. Her abandoning the home needs to be documented immediately. You have no idea what she may take, or when she might arrive or what she may do.

You may still love this woman but this shit often escalates quickly. Don't engage if at all possible and again, call a lawyer ASAP if you have not yet done so.

Try to get out with friends and be active in the meantime. It helps.

Just her in the pic. In her wedding dress looking beautiful and radiant.

Wtf? I hope you were being facetious here!

No, as trite as the expression may be, it is the truth - beauty is from the inside out. In turn, she really looks like a repulsive, neurotic piece of shit.

I know there may be a strong desire in you to want to reject the reality of what she is and what she has done but it is extremely important you hold-fast to looking this cold, hard truth in the face and be be brutally honest with yourself. Doing this will get you through the pain more quickly and more importantly, have you coming out a much emotionally stronger and wiser man. Believe it.

That woman you married is a runner and a coward - just like my XWW. She is running from her reality and as much as she has lied and deceived you and many other people, she has lied to and deceived herself most of all. Be prepared to discover many more lies and deceptions. As the truths come out and reality really begins clashing with her fantasy world, she will become more defensive. She will be in ever greater denial. She will direct anger and malice specifically towards YOU. Why? Because you are the one who is bursting her self-medicating, bullshit fairy tale fantasy bubble. Also, ironically, because she knows she can trust you and knows she can expect the outcome of wantonly hurting you to be very benign - the pure essence of cowardice.

You are deeply hurt and in anguish, I know. I know very well. Now, let that pain and anguish begin to turn to anger. You NEED to get angry. You MUST get angry. Your anger is righteous. Your anger is just. Your anger MUST be used in a controlled and calculated manner. Take on a cold, hard demeanor with this woman and show NOTHING ELSE TO HER but a steely, unwavering resolve with one goal only - to rid yourself and your life of this toxic shit.

Do not beg. Do not bargain.

I'll say it again - unleash Hell and wage a scorched-earth war with this person.

She has already begun this with you.

Justjim, tap into that controlled anger and release the fucking Kraken.

This woman has clearly shown you who she really is. She is cold hearted. Does she think this is funny? What is wrong with someone like this? Almost sociopathic.

I agree with the others. Everyone. Stronger, keptmyword, everyone else.

Take care of yourself. She will cold heartedly take everything else she can too.

Don't get sad. Get MAD. It will save your sanity.

Take care jjim. Hugs.

I know this all sounds like a really bad soap opera. Some of her shenanigans are hard to believe.

Two weeks ago, she came home (scratch that: she came back to MY FUCKING HOUSE) after the weekend and announced that her brother's wife had left him and gone to another man in a nearby state. Naturally, I asked how he was doing and she replied that he was devastated, even suicidal.

THEN she went on a profanity filled rant about the morals and character of someone who could do such a thing to her poor brother.

How can she not see the irony?