SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have no doubt whatsoever that if my babies died, all he would feel is relief.

I know exactly what I did "wrong" to "make him" send me these emails. I didn't sit quietly and cry in the corner when he left me and cheated on me, and went away with her.

I told him what I thought of him, and I fought.

That is the WORST thing one can do to him..he won't have it. There is no confronting, or accusing, or holding a mirror up..he won't allow it.

He will smash and scream and rage and stab in order to smokescreen over his actions.

I know this, and yet I've been so programmed by him for years that part of me actually wishes I had just stayed silent, so he wouldn't be able to say that I acted "crazy" and emotional when he left me :P

I can't understand the callousness and casual cruelty of people like this man. And, to be honest I don't really want to. We're here, if all we can do is listen, SI is here.

and

He even sent one that said "thanks for ruining a perfectly good song for me, now I can never listen to that again", because I had sent him a song.

In a bit of dark humor, I suggest you start sending him links and lyrics to all of his favorite songs now. }:-)

ha!

I feel like folding. I feel like emailing him and telling him I don't want to fight with him and I want to have peace with him somehow.

Help. Stockholm syndrome, or wtf?

Don't do it. Please, don't do it.

In your other post, as you're realizing just abusive a situation it is, there will be a temptation to go with "the devil you know rather than the devil you don't." That the familiar feels safer, no matter how illogical you know it is.

It's hard, lost, but now is the time to start taking steps down a new path. You need help with that. This is a really good place to start, as you do the research and get a better idea of just what the realities are.

But it's only the first step. You need to talk with people that can help facilitate your safety. Are you set up for counseling yet? Do you have family that can help? These are the directions you need to make those steps.

NOT HIM. He won't help you. He can't help you. He is dangerous. You can't depend on him. You need to protect yourself and your kids, honey.

Make those steps. Be brave.

I'm not those horrible things he said I am. So why does it still kill me to read them? Why does it make me feel worthless and disposable and horrible?

Of course you are not. This is classic projection--one of the many defense mechanisms these sick personality-disordered creatures must employ to avoid looking at themselves and the destruction they have wrought.

It kills you to read them because you are normal: you are emotionally healthy and sensitive and capable of deep love. Plesase know he is wrong about everything. Think it over and over until the thoughts translate to feelings.

I feel like folding. I feel like emailing him and telling him I don't want to fight with him and I want to have peace with him somehow.

Help. Stockholm syndrome, or wtf?

Good insight--I believe it is a manifestion of Stockholm Syndrome. A more simple reason is simply that the person to whom you went for comfort has abruptly become your enemy, the bringer of pain rather than the reliever of pain. The brain cannot easily adjust to this new reality. In any case, resist this urge at all cost. I gave in to this urge many times and all it does is empower them and leave us feeling disgusted with ourselves for being so subservient and weak. NO. CONTACT. Ignore, even it takes every ounce of strength that you have. And you DO have strength. Don't believe for a minute that you do not.

Just get through this day. I am so sorry for your pain. I have been there.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 10:46 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

oh, I know he would never come back to me or anything like that, I'm just so used to calming him down when he's raging, it's hard not to do that. I know it probably doesn't make sense.

I don't have help right now, I am on a waiting list for an IC.

Ugh, just awful. What a horrible excuse for a human being he is!

I have no great wisdom, but I know you need to put one foot in front of the other, one minute at a time. Gather any strength you can to survive the immediate future. Don't look at the whole thing all at once.

Filter your emails.

I'm so sorry, honey.

Sweetie, you need to stop beating yourself up.

Of course what he says hurts, he was your husband the one person in the world that was supposed to have you back no matter what. Obviously we aren't always that lucky. You need to realize and keep telling yourself that he is a selfish asshole who has ruined his own life, and will not have the love and respect of any of his children. They will see right through this, especially as they see you struggling.

You need to dig deep and find that anger again. Good you ruined a song, I am betting you will be blamed fo a lot more stuff as time goes on, but remember, and always tell yourself that he is responsible for this shitstorm.

You are smart, strong, capable, and worth so much more. You are lucky to have this made abundantly clear now. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, and don't have to worry about him abusing you for another 30 years.

How old are all those kids? If they are older than 7 then it's time to have them start helping you. It's fine to home school and be super mom, but it's also good for kids to learn how to do their own and the families laundy, it's also ok for them to learn how to start cooking. Let them, make them help you. They will be proud of their ability to help you.

You can get through this, an you will and you will happier helathier, and stronger for it.

(((and strength)))

Lost, it's really common to want to fold and go back to an abuser. Really common. Because frankly, that’s what the abuser has conditioned you to do. And it is operant conditioning. It’s right out of several studies about shaping behavior. You can look it up online and see the steps. Sometimes it’s easier to actually SEE the steps when reading about it and then comparing it to the steps that were taken in your case.

You use this with your children. When they do something that is “bad,” you punish or re-direct their behavior to teach them that (example) picking their nose in public is not a “good” behavior. And when they put their toys in the toy chest, you reward them by praise, etc. You shape their behavior. Everyone does it it’s normal.

The dark side of this is when you use the conditioning to slowly but surely convince a person to accept abusive behavior or physical abuse as “normal.” You can start by isolating a person your friends don’t like me, I wish you would stay at home, I love you too much to share you, we can have more fun with just the two of us, etc. You can start making your love conditional if you loved me you would do X, you wouldn’t do Y I can’t love someone who fill-in-the-blank no one loves you but me, you’re not lovable, etc. You can justify putting your hands on someone “for their own good,” or “you made me do it.”

There’s a saying that’s spot on. If you put a frog into boiling water, he’ll jump right out! But if you put him in cool water and slowly heat it, he’ll stay in until you can serve frog legs because he gets used to the temperature.

You are used to being abused, yelled at, denigrated, and treated badly. When you are used to something bad, even if you can see that there is another option that is better, you have an uphill fight to overcome all of the conditioning that says that where you are is normal and safe, to get to the better place. That’s what you’re fighting now.

Bottom line for this lengthy missive. Every time you make steps towards healthy behavior, you are going to feel a pull for the horrible status-quo. UNTIL you get used to the healthy behavior/lifestyle as normal and can reject the former “normalcy” for the unhealthy life that it is. If you’re used to living in a black cave, when you start to walk out towards the light, that light is going to dazzle you and hurt your eyes. You have to get used to it. But once you do get used to the light, you will wonder why you ever thought living in a cave was a good idea. (((hugs)))

The kids are 14, 12, 10, 7 and 3.

The older kids definitely are helping with the household chores, they are really good that way.

Skan- I know logically that you are right..it's just going to take some time for it to actually sink in, I think.

LostandPregnant

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend! I hope you find a good therapist.

Take care of you mama!

He called. Blocked his number, I answered thinking it was one of my son's therapists.

3 hours. He initially started by saying he was sorry for his spewing emails, that he had been reacting out of anger, that he wants to be there for our daughter..blah blah.

Turned into yelling, screaming, blaming, swearing..I'm exhausted.

Physically and emotionally exhausted.

Basically he wants to facetime our toddler every day, wants to fly here and see her as much as he can, wants to be at the birth and in the twins lives, is in a relationship with the new woman, and dismisses all of how I'm feeling and have been a mess since he left, saying "normal people can cope" and telling me how crazy and psycho I am.

Oh, but he really DID love me. Just for the record. He just didn't want to be with me. And he had to leave because otherwise he would have had a miserable life. Oh, and "everyone in his life" is glad he left me because they know "how I am". When I asked him what exactly I did/how I am, that they are referring to, he refused to answer.

Oh, and leaving me had nothing to do with the new whore. It just coincided. What a wacky coincidence!

Fuck my fucking life right now.

What a sick, sorry excuse for a human. He can't stand for you to not be grovelling at his feet, can he? I think you should take this as proof of your own emerging strength - you took back your power and he can't stand it. He is not in control and he is spewing venom and hate to try to hurt you and put you back down, but You won't let him.

He does not get to dictate how things will go. He wants to be at your babies' birth? OMG I want to punch him for you!!

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 2:25 PM, December 6th (Friday)]

I am so sorry that your best friend isn't physically there to help you..

I pray that you still draw on her spirit and your memories of her for inspiration ..

I agree with the others that you should go crickets on WH..He is attempting to gas light you into second guessing yourself..It may benefit him somehow that you think you are crazy and aren't reacting to this mess in a normal way..

I think it may be essential in your situation and decision making / healing if you treat WH as if he is unreachable....He is gone....Period....

He isn't to have what he wants, i.e. FaceTime with the children, flying in to visit, etc...

He has committed the cruelest of acts on you...He doesn't deserve a place in your life...He has to support the children monetarily by law but that doesn't mean you owe him a place in your life in return..

He is gone...

Regard and treat him as such...

(((Lost)))

I am so sorry. You deserve better.

You need to go totally NC now. Email him you will only communicate by email/text, and about the kids and finances only. Then never ever communicate with him again unless it is about finances/kids, and only by email/text. If he calls you again, you remind him of the arrangement and hang up. If and when he does come to see the kids, have a VAR on you and tell him you do, or have someone else there that can be a witness in court.

This serves three purposes:

No more new hurts for you.

It begins a stockpile of evidence you may need later in court.

You will be able to detach and heal.

It's the only way. (((Hugs)))

Lost - Do you see how he manipulated you again with this phone call? He knew you were down, he had beat you there, and then he gave you some hope, then made you feel bad again?

Contact with this clown serves no positive purpose for you. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not engage. Go NC tell him that you only wnat to speak to him in reagrds to the kids, and finances, and only through written word, preferably email.

This allows you to take control of the current situation, then it allows you to gain strength, by not dealing with his crazy, everyday, or multiple times a day. The less you deal with him the more perspective you will gain.

Now because he is such a NPD type guy I would also strongly urge you to record every conversation that you do have, because he will twist things around on you and make you doubt your sanity.

Please make outreach to a local YMCA, Church, or parent group at school. You need normal in your life, you need sanity, and you need support. Getting interaction with other sane people will help you.

You will survive this, and you will be amazed in a year what you have been through and how strong you have become.

((((and strength))))