SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

Thank you for providing this excellent source of support and information. This is my first post here.

Please excuse the length of the post and let me introduce myself. I am a 57 year old man working at a religious university. I have been friends with a female coworker/faculty member for the last eight years. In early 2012, an LTR had ended and she and I began to realize we wanted to be more than friends. We casually dated for the next six months or so. It was a wonderful relationship, though, because of religious convictions (hers mainly), it was not physical. I was fine with that because I wanted much more from a relationship with her.

In addition to daily contact at school, we met a few times a month away from campus for lunches and dinners, or just hanging out to talk. We enjoyed our time together. I sensed that she wanted to move slowly and she was unsure of commitment. For example, I told her I had cared about her a lot for a long time and she replied she was “flattered”, which isn’t a good sign. In spite of that, in the days and weeks following the night I told her how I felt, she increased our time together and we became closer. Also, she started hugging me more and putting her hand on my shoulder when we spoke, so I assumed that she had some feelings, but was just being cautious. I fell hard for her and could see this eventually becoming a long term commitment. However, she’d run hot and cold, sometimes ignoring personal messages, other times she’d initiate them. Around the beginning of this year, she began to pull back, sometimes cancelling dates, which she had never done before (She’d sometimes initiate them) and she became more secretive. I assumed because of that she was having second thoughts, though she still maintained daily contact and we still went out, though it was less frequent.

This past August, she asked me to try to fix something on her laptop in her office while she was away. While I was there, a text came in on her cell phone that was sexual in nature. It was from one of the campus police officers and it read something like, “I love the sound you make when I push in from behind.” I admit, I couldn’t believe what I’d just read and I looked at other texts from this guy. I know I violated her trust when I did that, but I had to know. There were a lot of texts going back several months to about the time she had started to pull back. A few were similarly sexual in nature, but most were not. None indicated any sort of a “dating” relationship. It seemed to be hookups at her office late at night or her apartment after he finished work early in the morning. Our faculty parking lot is fairly secluded and I found two used condoms there on two mornings when I arrived for work over the summer when students were not around. Though I don’t know the officer well, I know he is married and has four children, one by a previous marriage. I’d suspected something might have been going on for a while. I wasn’t sure because my ex-GF has a few male friends and I assumed he was one of those.

I know that our relationship is over. I’m not trying to rekindle that. Frankly, I don’t think I can ever see her the same way again. I’ve never confronted her about this and I’ve tried to maintain a friendship, but she has limited it to work-related contact in the office. I do think she suspects that I know. She used to leave her phone on her desk all of the time, now she almost always takes it with her. The officer used to drop by occasionally during work hours and would sometimes make double-entendre comments to her in front of people, which she finds funny. On a few occasions, she’d bring him in her office and close the door. I haven’t seen him for about a month now, but I suspect this is still going on and I suspect it was going on while we were dating.

I hope that wasn’t too long. I wanted you to know the back story of this.

I would really like to hear from you regarding how I can make my peace with this and what, if anything I should do about it. Let me start by saying that I know she is a grown woman and capable of making her own decisions. I know the bottom line is this is none of my business anymore. I mainly need to find a way to heal and get over the hurt. I am still in a lot of pain. A lot of that revolves around finding out in the way I did that she isn’t they person I thought she was or is what she portrays to others here and that she had lied to me about her morals as well as her intentions towards me. I also can’t believe that she would be ok with a relationship like this and not consider how it would affect his wife if she finds out. I still consider her to be a friend that I care about a great deal and I am very worried this would ruin her career if it became public. As I said, we work at a Christian college where we are expected to set an example to our students. Clearly, she has violated that and is risking years of hard work. I don’t think I can say anything to her. Anything I do say she would probably interpret as jealousy rather than concern for someone I care about. Should I try anyway?

All I can do is pray that she will break this off and find someone (Not me, I realize) that will love and respect her.

I know that we weren’t married, but the pain is still there. How do I put this all behind me? How do I get past the shock and the hurt? I found out in late August, but the wound still seems just as fresh.

Thanks so much.

Your topic title is a bit misleading. It is difficult to look at this as infidelity. I understand you were hurt, but your relationship wasn't really a couple's relationship.

You were "going out", but it was never physical (no kissing, handholding, sex, etc.). Meanwhile, she's porking the campus security guy in the parking lot, while portraying an image of virtue and higher moral standards?

You know what? Forget this woman. She obviously doesn't care for you in any kind of romantic way.

As far as a friendship goes, you are more of an acquaintance who fixes her laptop for her. Sorry to sound so harsh, but you just need to put her behind you. It is just that simple.

Good luck.

Are you planning on telling his wife? I think she has a right to know of this deceit, don't you?

Dear Tearingaway,

I didn't mean to imply that what I am going through compares to the pain and loss that those on here have gone through. I know that infidelity when it occurs in a marriage is much different. That said, I do believe that infidelity can happen between two people who are in a relationship. I can assure you the pain, though less than what is felt by people in a marriage, is very real.

Also, I think people can be in a committed relationship without sex, at least when abstinence is due to religious convictions. I know that is unusual, but I don't believe that sex, by and of itself, constitutes a relationship. I believe one can exist without that. In my case, we kissed, held hands and I was emotionally committed to her. I certainly was more than an aquaintance or some guy "fixing her laptop".

Anyway, You are right that I need to forget her and move on. She has certainly moved on from me.

I need help coming to grips not only with the end of our relationship, but also with her deception. I think that's something we can all identify with, whether it happened in a relationship or in a marriage.

Dear Painfulpast,

I'd think if I were in his wife's shoes, I'd want to know. Her Instagram page bio says she is "married to my hero" and many of her posts (And his too) reflect her love for him. I really feel for her and I think she has a right to know. I'm just not sure if I am the person to do that. I'm not even sure how I would do that. I don;t know her, and I barely know him.

Sadly, the husband is the right person to tell her, but he won’t. You could send her an email or FB message letting her know what you saw and now know, and she could take it from there. Knowing is better than not.

As for your ‘friend’. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that women that can’t shut up about their ‘Christian’ beliefs and what a good Christian they are – are the biggest pigs on this planet. They lie, they deceive, they cheat, they use people, it’s truly disgusting.

I am NOT saying all Christian women are like this. I am saying that my experience has shown me that most of the women that are quite vocal about being Christian, aren’t.

Find yourself someone that doesn’t need to announce their religion to the world. They are using that as a mask to get away with any cheap act they want.

Dear Painfulpast,

Thanks again for your response..

I'm not sure about telling her if it isn't done anonymously. He is a PD officer and I work with her every day, so it could get really ugly really fast. I feel for her, but I'm not sure it's worth the risk, frankly. Besides, these things tend to come out on their own most of the time. I think this one will too.

Your experience with Christian women is your opinion and you are entitled to it. I know you weren't saying all Christian women are like that, just some you have met..All I can say is, judging an entire group of people by the poor actions of some is never right. This is what discrimination (racial and otherwise) is based upon. Let me also say that I am a Christian and I try very hard to live the right kind of life. I know I fall short sometimes.

No one is perfect, but I do know many very good Christian people here on campus, including

women, who would not fit in with your view. I can't speak for my ex-GF except to hope that at some point she returns to her faith, hopefully before she loses her career. She thinks she is fooling everyone, and she is to a degree (Most of the people here when I mention her and the guy say she'd NEVER consider that), but she isn't fooling God.

[This message edited by Steve55 at 4:26 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

I'm sorry for being too aggressive with my response.

I agree that two people can be in a relationship and abstinent due to religious convictions. Unfortunately, she didn't let those convictions get in the way with the other guy.

I think that trying to maintain a friendship with her, especially when she is backing away from you is a bad idea. Perhaps you are trying to maintain that friendship because a little part of yourself is hopeful that she might come back to you in some form or fashion. I'm only speculating. At the end of the day, you need to be true to yourself. This means taking care of yourself and your emotional needs.

We talk about doing the 180 here all the time. Perhaps it is time for you to employ that strategy in this case, too. You are going through pain right now and I think that the 180 will be your friend.

Dear Tearingaway,

No worries :)No offense taken.

You're totally right and she hasn't let her religious convictions get in the way with this guy.. Maybe that is who she really is?

While we were dating, she told me about an old BF back in grad school who was a real player. He told her that he'd never be faithful, yet she still seems to miss him 11 years later. She claimed to me that she never had sex with him. I told her I didn't believe that because there is no way anyone could keep a guy like that for two years without sex. I had assumed she had changed since she moved out here. We used to double-date when she was in an LTR, with a very nice guy, by the way. It lasted a few years... Anyway, I think deep down, she still likes the thrill of the danger of a fling like with the PD guy. Kind of sad when you consider the fact she is 40. You'd think she would have grown out of that phase by now. I only hope she does before it ruins her career.

I assume the "180" you referred to is no contact, which is a great idea and would aid my healing if not for the fact that we have to work together every day. I don't really have any expectations that she'll come back, and even if she did, what if she dumped me for the next fling that comes along?

Thanks again..

Steve...

Here is a link to the 180

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

It's an excellent tool to use for you to gain strength and feel more in control over your actions and reactions. It will really help you to get strong

Dear Deeply Scared,

Thanks so much. I actually am doing many of those things now. I try to be cheerful and professional. I have stopped emailing and texting to her in the evenings and weekends. That's been hard. I admit it wasn't my idea at the time. She asked me to stop doing that. As I said, as things picked up with the married guy, she pulled back from me.

The hardest part has been not to respond to emails she's sent during these times. They are work-related, which is a change from the past, but I still find myself wanting to write back. I'm usually able to resist the urge.

What has helped me the most is realizing that her feelings towards me have changed and, more importantly, she is ok with hooking up with a married guy. I can't understand how someone would be ok with this type of thing. There's nothing I can do about either one. She's made her choice.I only hope she saves herself before her affair gets out and she gets fired. Considering the type of place where we work, that would be pretty certain.

Still, this hurts so much and even though several months have gone by since I read the texts, I've only made a little progress. Any more tips would be much appreciated.

Thanks again.

I think the appropriate response is to do and say nothing. She asked you to help with her laptop... not read her mail, invade her privacy, or judge her behavior.

Hi Steve

It hurts to have trusted and believed, and then to find out that someone has deceived you.

It hurts when you can't really confront the issue and have the person take responsibility for their hurtful behavior.

It hurts that you have to continue to have contact with this woman and keep even at work.

Can you give this to God and let him help you heal. Is there something in scripture that can help you deal with beytrayal?

Can you seek in your heart forgiveness , not to excuse her but to lighten your own heartache.

Betrayal hurts and confounds. You had hopes and they were crushed. Its okay to mourn the loss. And seek comfort in your faith.

Sorry you are hurting.

I'm not too sure that many here share my view on this, but back when I was single the way I usually got over someone was to "find someone new."

There is a Mindy McCready song that goes like this, and you would have to put it into the male perspective, but still, it actually worked well for me!

The first thing I did when you said "Goodbye"

But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

I would probably find an anonymous way to "help" that information about your XGF leak out to the cop's wife. She deserves to know and quite frankly XGF should be fired. Like you, I don't judge all Christians but what a few outspoken ones seem to be doing behind the scenes. Unfortulately, my XH is one of those. A church organist who sometimes filled in for the preacher with sermons. He used to make little old ladies cry with his "humble" and beautiful music. OMG. He was addicted to prostitutes and any other ONS or whatever he could get throughout our entire 13 year M. He married the final OW so I don't bother to "tell her" what he is like but I suspect she has mostly figured it out after being married to him for 20 years.

Sorry my post is so long; if you are still reading, I just want to say that I don't think you need the 180. That is for people desperately clinging to a possibly hopeless relationship (IMO). That does not sound like you. You sound like you know it is over even if you think the song above is rediculous and not fitting for you, it will just take some time to get over the feelings and the betrayal. She never was the woman you thought she was.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 1:38 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Hi Steve

I am so sorry for your pain.

I really am.

I would however like to echo what many others have said.

Are you planning on telling his wife? I think she has a right to know of this deceit, don't you?

In one post you said

I really feel for her and I think she has a right to know. I'm just not sure if I am the person to do that. I'm not even sure how I would do that. I don;t know her, and I barely know him.

and in another

Besides, these things tend to come out on their own most of the time. I think this one will too.

Honey they don't always. If you read my profile you will see that I was betrayed for 25 years of a 28 year M. There were a number of women including one for 8 years. If you check out LTA ( http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=511150 ) you will see that I am far from alone.

Some people are adept at hiding infidelity.

The absolute HORROR of discovering multiple women over many years can never be described. Knowing that at 54 years old your supposed partner has cheated for 24 + years makes you feel like your life was stolen. But I am so glad I now know. It explains so much. Finding out for me was truly the most devastating experience of my life but it was also one of the most important. My M is now so much better. I truly believe my FWH treated me poorly because in some twisted way he had to justify his behaviour. Our R is shaky at best but our M truly is better in so many ways. Finding out for me was horrific....

Having said that, after I found out I was able to treat some terrible health problems that I have which (I didn't know)came from his infidelity. Neither my doctor nor myself knew of the source of these problems. But when I found out and further tests were done I had 3 lots of surgery and am now healthier than I have been in many, many years.

In your case I believe that the chances are that OM has been at it for a long time. You don't know his situation. He and his BW may be in false "R". You have no idea what risks he has taken with his BW's health. We have at least one SI member who contacted aids from her WH. There are so many things you don't know.

I understand your reticence about informing her but I am sure you can find a way to do it anonymously. I am also a Christian and have in fact taught in a Christian school for 35 years. You and I both know that in a case like this we have a duty to act.

I truly hope you decide that you will.

Apart from anything else I suspect that some of your pain at present comes from your guilt about not telling her.

Please do the right thing.

BIG HUGS

Laura

One thing that burns my britches are people who hide behind religious conviction, all the while living a secret life of a sinner. Screaming "Oh God" while banging your M lover does not a good Christian make. I'm sure you served a purpose for her. Perhaps as window dressing while she was screwing the M Police Officer. Its bad enough she is having an A with a M man. But to use and mislead you, well that's just evil my man. Run far, run fast brother. You dodged a bullet with her.

I am so sorry that your ex-GF hurt you in this way. I am sure that this is not her first rodeo ride and probably won't be her last.

You will get over her, but it will take a little time. You need to distance yourself from this woman as much as possible and try to detach yourself. I know it hurts to find out that someone is not who you thought they were. She is a liar and a cheater. She used you to cover up her A with this other co-worker because you were safe. There is a saying on here that I find is very true. "When someone shows you who they really are...Believe them!!!" You don't need this immoral woman in your life, even as a friend. I am sorry for our pain. (((HUGS)))

Hey Steve,

First of all, I am so sorry for your pain.

Second of all, good riddance to bad rubbish.

I know it's probably hard for you to think that way right now, but when the pain subsides I hope you will be able to see how LUCKY it is that you found that text. BEFORE things got physical. And what if you had MARRIED her???? You got a view into her true character before you were irrevocably connected. Thank heaven for that.

All I can do is pray that she will break this off and find someone (Not me, I realize) that will love and respect her.

Actually, as the person she is now, I hope that never happens. It would just put her in a position to hurt someone else.

People can change and she might, but for people like her it usually takes quite a shock to wake them up. The best thing to do would be to out her at work, since your workplace has a morals clause. However, since you have no evidence to show them, I think this would be dangerous for you. She would likely say you were a jilted suitor who was doing it out of spite. And you would have no way to prove otherwise.

But I do hope you find a way to tell the man's wife. even if it is anonymously. She may not believe you, but at the very least it will perk up her awareness of what is going on around her. So many of us ignored so many things bc we just couldn't imagine that this can happen. Once you have put a bug in her ear, she may see things in a different light. I can't tell you how sick it makes me that I didn't figure things out sooner. You may give her just what she needs to do that.

Once again, I am sorry you have been put in the middle of this mess by this deceitful person.

Dear friends,

Thank you all so much for your posts and support. Please, let’s keep this going for a while longer. You words have helped me already to try to deal with this.

Let me say again that I know what I am going through is nothing like what you had to deal with in a marriage infidelity situation. I appreciate your patience and support more than I can say.

Dear Agonyofit: I have given this to God and that has helped as well. Early on, when all I knew was that she was backing away and I didn’t know why, I kept reminding myself that I must submit to God’s plan. He knows better than I. Well, that certainly turned out to be the case, right? I’ve relied on many quotes from Scripture, one being Psalm 46:10 (Which I printed out and have on the wall above my desk) “Be still and know that I am God.”

Bobbi_sue: Thanks. I like that song too. I’m still on the fence about saying anything. Perhaps “Be still and know that I am God” applies here. I really don’t know yet. I do think the wife deserves to know, especially since her Instagram posts and photos seem to indicate that she has no idea and still loves him. He even posted a photo a few weeks ago on their anniversary saying how much he loves her (The creep!). Another possibility is to let the university anonymously know. My fear in both cases is the affair will survive whatever repercussions happen and I will somehow get blamed or targeted.. The “shoot the messenger:” thing..

Laura28: Thanks as well.. You are right. One of my fears is this will continue and stay hidden. After all, I have no idea how long this has been going on. They could be, as you wrote, “very adept at hiding this”. It could have been happening for several years. Maybe that is why she couldn’t commit to me because she was involved with him. Motives aside, that was the case. I do know they have been “friends” for many years. It started with her working late in her office and him on night watch. He’d drop by to “chat” and it grew from there. About two years ago, “Amy” told me that “Bob” lives a long way from school and that she’d like to offer him her couch when he pulls shifts with only a few hours between them. I told her that was a bad idea. As usual, she didn’t take my advice. I think she offered and it became routine that he’d drop by after his shift ends, though he didn’t end up on the couch…. Makes me wonder who pursued who. Anyway, with the late night when no one is around scenario, it is possible what you say is true and they’ve been hiding it for a long while.

One of the things I need to get over is to stop comparing myself to him and feeling inadequate. He is her age (~40), very athletic, tattooed and hip (Gee, another “player” like the guy she was with in grad school. Shocking! , while I am in my 50’s and slightly overweight.

I am so sorry to hear your story. I can’t imagine how painful that was. May I ask what type of health issues were a result of this? I hope you don’t mind. The reason I ask is, I know my exGF recently had to have a pelvic ultrasound and is seeing her OB/GYN today. I assume that is to get the results. I really pray all is well with her. I certainly don’t wish her any health issues.

I’m a noob here and I’m not really familiar with the acronyms. Please let me know what they are in this sentence you wrote. I think it is an important sentence: You don't know his situation. He and his BW may be in false "R". You have no idea what risks he has taken with his BW's health. We have at least one SI member who contacted aids from her WH. There are so many things you don't know.”

As I said earlier, I’m still not sure what to do or say. I mainly want to heal, but I do feel people (his wife mainly) need to know. Thanks again.

Stronger28: Thanks too. I don’t know what is in her heart. I think she could, in her warped logic, still feel she is a Christian and somehow justify her actions. I don’t think it’s an act. I do think she has rationalized this behavior. I do agree 100% that I dodged a bullet, considering the major life changes I would have had to make. I probably would have had to change jobs so people wouldn’t gossip. People would think that my recently ended LTR was a result of fooling around with her before I ended it.. Stuff like that.

Trustgone: Well said. I love the quote. So true. My dad always had a great one that is similar. It helped me through several failed relationships in college and just afterwards: “If someone wants to be with you they will make time for you.” So wise.

Beforegotme: Thanks to you too. I think she can change. She is 40. It is time to stop f’ing the bad boys and grow up. I pray she does. It may take, as you said, for this to come out and for her to suffer the repercussions.

I think one of the worst things about this is not knowing and them thinking they have put something over on you. I can definitely see that side to the argument about telling her about it…

Hi Steve

You don't know his situation. He and his BW (betrayed wife) may be in false "R" (reconciliation ie she many have discovered other affairs - he may have begged forgiveness but may be continuing to cheat without her knowledge). You have no idea what risks he has taken with his BW's (betrayed wife's) health. We have at least one SI (Surviving Infidelity) member who contracted aids from her WH (wayward husband). There are so many things you don't know.

Laura