SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Laura,

Go it. Thanks.

That could be. I was also wondering if they have some sort of open relationship and she already knows. He has several "hot" women's pictures on his FB and Instagram page. Makes me wonder. If I were his spouse and I saw these women were FB friends, I'd wonder, right?

Steve,

I suggest you search the 'net (or library) for info on limerence, because it sounds like that's what you're going through. Understanding it may help you resolve it.

Steve,

I'm sorry for your pain. It must be a full moon or something, because a few people have really responded to you with both barrels.

I have a few thoughts for you.

1. Your pain is real and justified. You were blindsided by bad news about someone you hoped could one day become your wife. Sure, she had backed off of your friendship, but you were still betrayed in a sense, because she always represented to you that she had high moral standards.

2. To help ease your pain maybe a little, it might help to stop thinking of her in a positive light. That was a light she cast which was an illusion. If you refocus your thoughts toward the person you now know she truly is, certainly the feeling of loss has a chance to be minimized. In other words, you didn't lose much when you lost her.

3. Being friends with her in the future. ...don't thin so. Sure, forgive her, but don't nurture her with your kindness and friendship.

4. Exposing him to his wife is tricky. Many people here see it as black and white. She deserves to know. Period. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. IMO, I believe it is the right thing to do, but not at the expense of your reputation, job, physical safety, etc. My approach might go something like this. Notify his wife via email, annonymosly, and via regular mail, anonymously. There are ways to do both very easily. Ask her to reply to you via the anonymous email (there's a way to do this) so you know she received it. In the email and letter simply say this. "I am sorry to inform you that I believe your husband is cheating on you. For proof, ask to read his text and email messages right now, before he has time to delete. I am notifying you because I believe you have a right to know."

5. Many of us here were fooled by our spouses. I would have never in a million years thought my wife would have a love affair with her boss, or anyone else for that matter. You were fooled in the sense that you misunderstood who she really is, because she lied to you. Be thankful, my friend, that she didn't take more of an interest in you. Be very thankful. THAT, is your silver lining to this cloud.

6. Finally, I hope your faith serves you well here.

Best to you.

NMAI

Dear Sisoon,

Thanks for your response.

I "Googled" limerence and I agree that I certainly suffered from that during the time we were dating. Her hot and cold, etc. always had me obsessing over what was going on. I was the King of the Overthinkers. Why did she ignore my email? Does she really have a headache? Then, she would text back and say let's get together and all was good, until the next time. You know how that is.

However, that stopped once I saw the texts and it all became clear. I honestly don't have any romantic or obsessive feelings for her anymore. The texts were a Mike Tyson slug to the jaw, which is exactly what I needed.

What I am working through now is getting past the hurt and that is a different issue, I think.

[This message edited by Steve55 at 4:32 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

I know this may seem too simplistic, but I wonder if it would help you if you asked yourself (about her as a person - her character)...

Would I want to be friends with - or be in a relationship with a person like I now know she is?

Regretably, she doesn't seem to be the person she pretended to be. She was the person she thought you would respect and be attracted to...

UNTIL...she found someone who would fullfill what she really wanted.

I feel so relieved that she DID resist the physical relationship with you. If that had happened, you would not only be dealing with the sadness of 'losing her', but also the disgust of what she had included you in.

Its easier said than done, but be glad it didn't go any farther than it did.

Best Wishes to you!

PS About you comparing yourself to him??? You are way out of his league!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 4:45 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Dear Nomistakeaboutit,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I really appreciate it.

1. I do feel hurt and betrayed. I also lost my faith in people for a while. I came to realize that none of us deserve to be put on a pedestal.

2. I have been concentrating on her negative qualities for a while now. That’s been very helpful. Before I saw the texts, I tried concentrating on the fact that she is moody, occasionally snippy and overly critical of people. Also, not that it’s a flaw, but she has a much higher energy level than I do and that could have been a problem. After the texts, I kept my mind on what I had read; the sexts (Two of his were very graphic) and the ones where they are spooning over each other. That has helped and it will continue to help. I do have to keep reminding myself that, unbelievable as it seems, I read what I read. The big problem is seeing her every day. That has really slowed my recovery. Fortunately, one good thing about the fact I think she suspects that I know is, the creep hasn’t dropped by while I’m here for several weeks. He did check out my Linkedin page, which adds to the idea they suspect I know. It’s also why I have to be careful…

3. Friendship seems to be moot. She doesn’t seem to want anything beyond the office. It’s pretty professional, but that’s all. I agree with you about avoiding nurturing her, but I don’t think that’s a problem because she has effectively cut me out of her life.

4. I am very concerned, since they suspect I know, that it will get back to me, even if I’m not the one to say anything. The anonymous email to his wife is an idea, but again, I’d have to weigh the risk. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a “burn phone” that he uses for texting “Amy” and keeps hidden from the wife.

5. Right.. As I wrote earlier, I’d have had to make big life changes to be with her and what if I’d done that and caught her cheating? As bad as I feel now, I am sure that would be much worse.

6. My faith does. It’s all I’ve got, really, but it’s enough.

Thanks again..

Dear Whatsright,

Thanks so much! That is very nice.

Right, but then I usually try to look past people's faults, even if I should have gone with my gut about them in the beginning. Anyway, no way would I consider a relationship with her from what I know now. I really thought her "boy-toy" days had ended when she broke up with the guy in grad school ten years before. Guess not..

I am glad we now that we didn't get physical. There was one night, late in our dating when I thought she was going to invite me up, but then seemed to change her mind. I'm glad now she did, though I have to say at the time I don't think I would have resisted, to be honest.

Thanks again!

I just wanted to say thanks again to all of you and give a quick update:

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that she was seeing her OB/GYN on Thursday. Because of the limits she has imposed on our relationship, I’m not sure what happened, but I do know that this visit was to go over the results of an ultrasound that was done a few weeks ago. I’m a little concerned because of two statements she made to me on Friday. First, in passing to me and a colleague, she said that her “head wasn’t on too straight yesterday”, referring to Thursday (She was off that day for the dr. appointment) and later she told me she “has some personal things to attend to in mid-January.” I don’t know what this issue may be, but I think her statements and the tests are related.

Even though I am hurt by how things worked out, not to mention the shock of finding out about her affair, I have been praying that this isn’t anything serious. I can’t bring myself to feel ambivalent about this. I know she is flawed and treated me badly, but I still care about her, even if it is only as a longtime friend. I realize that if the tables were turned, I doubt she would be as concerned about me. Still I am worried, though I know I cannot ask her about it.

Second, a mutual friend and former colleague is visiting this weekend. I knew from another colleague that he was coming into town, and that “Amy” was planning a group lunch on Friday. She never told me about him coming to visit, nor about the lunch and only said that she was “going to lunch with friends and wouldn’t be back for a while”. He stopped by later that afternoon and said he couldn’t come into town without dropping by to say hi to me. That was nice. I feigned surprise, and for “Amy’s” benefit said, “Alan, I didn’t know you were in town.” We had a nice chat and later Amy told me that she told Alan to drop by because she know I’d like to see him.. Yeah, right, so, why all the secrecy beforehand?

Anyway, she is leaving to visit her family in KY on Wednesday and won’t be back until at least January 2nd. I think the break will help me to move on. I just wish she could be comfortable with me again as a friend. We were friends for so many years. The more I think about this, I wonder if it has more to do with the fact she suspects I know about her and “Married Bob, than any awkwardness because of our breakup?

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. I know I plan to. There’s no way I’ll let her get me down during my favorite time of the year! Thanks again to all of you for your support.