SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by Senraba02 at 11:47 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

Hi there. So much of your post resonates with me. I just wanted to post quickly and say that you are not alone...and I will be back to post a full reply tomorrow. Welcome to SI! There is much help and healing here.

Hi Senraba:

Welcome to SI, sorry you are here but you will get a lot of support.

Our ddays are pretty close together and kinda on the same path with our BHs... The anger stage for my BH started pretty much at the 3 week mark after the birth of our daughter. We conceived 6 weeks after dday and we were totally committed to R. Now with this anger stage, I don't think we will make it especially along with preA issues still there. Anyways, my thoughts when reading your story is that you will need to go along with your plan

He's already asked you for a divorce.. You complied.. He's kicked you out 4-5x.. You complied. You now have an apartment that's ready to move into and now he's trying to mix you up again.

I know it's hard to say goodbye to a 13 yr relationship but it sounds like it's already done. It doesn't seem like your BH wants to heal in a healthy way.. No marriage counselling? No individual counselling? Have you gone to counselling for yourself? I did 10 months of counselling which helped me a lot. Internally I feel stronger than ever.

What are you showing your BH in terms of being a different person than before? He still sees the same person who cheated. I almost think you need to 180 him. Start to live your life to get healthier. Do you work out? If not, start. If so, take up more. Let him heal as he says he needs and if he sees you making changes, either it will help your relationship or help you move on.

I hope I've made some sense. Lack of sleep might have caused me to ramble...

Good luck and keep posting

I'm sorry I didn't come back to this post yesterday.

So many of the parts of your situation are similar to mine. My XH also caught me via my cell phone...he also wanted a D and told me that it was the only way he would be able to move forward and eventually R. I complied without balking because I believed him, and then he changed his mind and told me he no longer wanted R after all.

I can totally relate to your feelings of being scared and alone. I felt the same way at first. I had never really been by myself, and it was overwhelming.

But you CAN do this. You CAN make it on your own, if that's the way this works out for you. You will be able to get a job & support yourself, and you will learn to really get to know yourself and become self-aware. Eventually, you will get strong enough to realize that you don't "need" your XH or any man to complete you and fill your soul. And eventually, you will be ready for the right man (whether that's your XH or someone new) to come into your life.

Your X might not be playing head games. There is a huge likelihood that he's overwhelmed with all of his emotions and can't deal with you right now. That is fair of him, but it's also fair for you to be unable/unwilling to keep going back and forth solely at his whim. You are not in R right now. There is, of course, the possibility of R after divorce---I'm doing it right now. But R to me is both people working toward a reconciled relationship.

My best advise is to just focus on you and on getting healthy. Learn to make your own money and rely on only yourself---you can't imagine how empowering that is and how good you will feel inside when you know you don't need to depend on anyone else to take care of you. Work on what inside of you created the mindset to choose to cheat. Go out with friends. Try a new activity. Read some good books, spend time with family if you can. Who knows: you might very well end up more attractive to your XH and he might want to R someday after all. Or...you might not want him back someday.

Best of wishes to you.

I think he is playing head games. I think it is a case of retaliation.

I would move into the apt, get a job and focus on you and your child. He will have to deal with himself. For cripes sake don't have sex with him either.

Get a counselor if you don't already and get your head on straight.

I know I am the last one to give advice, and I understand that the betrayed spouse has rights to their anger, etc. But sometimes, it gets to be too much. I just paid out $30K on property and a home. If he thinks I will just walk out on that, he is crazy.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:13 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]

Your infidelity may have been a deal breaker for him. You cannot control what he does or how he feels. So let go of the outcome and focus on yourself, and building a life for yourself.

One of the very reasons I fell into the nightmare that I did was feeling unwanted and unloved and alone

.

You did not fall into a nightmare. You made a choice. To cheat. To lie. To chuck your marriage vows out the window. You don't get to blame your affair on "feeling unwanted." Lots of people feel unloved, and don't choose to have affairs.

I'm not seeing you take responsibility for your affair, or the state of your marriage afterward. I'm only seeing you blame your husband for failing to "get over it" on your timetable. You refer to your affair and lies as "mistakes." No, you deliberately betrayed your husband. Own it. See how deeply your choices hurt and devastated your husband, and have compassion for him. Accept that he has every right to be angry, and every reason not to trust you.

I don't see Senraba as not taking responsibility for her affair. I see her working through it and I see a woman who is scared. Part of the reason she is scared because she singed away rights to any of the property of the marriage. That was a big effort on her part to show she is genuine.

Kicking her out of the house 4 or 5 times is strictly abusive, IMHO. Your husband has not seemed to get a handle on his anger and pain. I know he has anger and pain, because my wife has anger and pain and did not abuse me in such a manner. The affair seems to have given him a free pass as far as he is concerned.

I think you must face your fears Senraba and move into that apartment. Commit to making your own way and give your husband the break he needs. However, I would suggest a 180 with your emotions. They seem to feed your husband. He throws you out then says he doesn't want to lose you when he may or may not want you back. You can only help a partner with their pain if they want you to. Your husband is giving you clear signals he does not want you to. You have a right to move on with your life as well. IMHO he is using your affair to put you at the lowest level, and keep you there.

I read many posts in the reconciliation forum where BS are questioning themselves and digging down to find out if they are being helpful to the marriage and healing or not. That is how true reconciliation happens. It is two people. Your husband seems unready for that. You are a human being and deserve to be treated as one.

I am not saying that Senraba doesn't need to help her husband to heal his pain. I am not saying that her husband doesn't have a right to feel the pain. I am saying that for the health of both of them, this situation is untenable. They both must agree to R and both work at it. I am not seeing that right now.

As ever, my suggestion of a 180 in this relationship to a wayward is to treat it with respect. Treat it with idea that you want to stay married. Don't use it as a tool to hurt your husband. Be married in your heart and head, until such a time as your husband says it is over or decides to try again. You would be doing that to protect yourself. I am seeing a person destroyed by the idea that she must do ANYTHING to make her husband happy. That is simply wrong on any level.

The saying on here is that you can't "nice" a person out of their affair. The same holds true and you cannot "nice" someone into wanting reconciliation. You can do a lot of damage to yourself in that process. We are all here to learn to have healthy relationships and heal damage that was done. This does not resemble that.

Thank you, all who have posted their opinions. Even the ones that were hard to read are appreciated.

The first thing I want to address, is in one post it was said that I refer to my affair and my lies as mistakes. Well, mistakes are actions we learn from right!? Bad choices, mistakes, no matter what you call them, learning from it is the most important thing. At least, I think.

I also wanted to mention that the morning of, when I was to sign the lease agreement, my BS stopped me. He made no promises things would be different but stopped me nonetheless. 2 weeks have passed and right now I am spiraling because he decided to tell me that if I had $20,000 in the bank, he wouldn't have stopped me. Is it wrong for me to care that you can't afford it?

I have done everything I can physically and emotionally do to prove my love, yet I get nothing in return? I just keep remembering what he said to me. That no matter how long it takes for him to "get there" if I give up and leave, I was never really his to begin with. He doesn't seem to understand that I am 100% sincere and will not be a repeat offender. But I don't know how much rejection I can handle before I break.