SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Again the issue is why. She had an affair not an ONS; she didn't get drunk at a party and let a guy go too far, she planned and organized this 'event' and went back for more exciting sex. I don't know what other intimacies she shared with him, except not using a condom, which is well nigh unforgivable in my opinion.

Did she actually sleep with him, cuddled up overnight; did she shower with him; experience multiple O's. All these may help to explain why she cold-bloodedly betrayed you and help you to decide what the next step should be. Her explanations of loneliness, anxiety, depression shouldn't cause her to cheat in this manner.

She didn't confess, but did experience guilt as per her IC sessions. Does that make a difference? Tough choices ahead.

indeed Ok, indeed.

I can't speak for Bdell, although I think our stories may be similar.

in my case, I used to think that other men's wives cheated. I thought mine was special. I thought that whatever her faults were she would never cheat on me. she had too much integrity. she was mine. She loved me. i was waaaaaaay too important to her.

yeah....right

so now,no matter what she says about how sorry she is how it will never happen again, how she will die before she cheats again, I believe she believes it. but when i'm alone..... I know better. And when i'm alone, I think to myself I deserve better. I deserve someone new.

As you can no doubt tell, I don't know the answer Bdell.

OK and Mike, a lot of what you are saying might be true, but it might also be speculation based on your own situations. Now, IF, my wife was a sex-crazed, congenital liar then ALL of it is certainly true. But she isn't or at least never has been that I know of. What makes an intelligent, adult person go against everything that they hold dear? Is he better at sex than I am? Is his c**k bigger? Both of those ideas might be possible, or popular to speculate on, but are very highly unlikely. Our sex life has always been very hot and very creative, and my "junk" significantly larger than average, according to the studies I have recently read. In the upper 10%, according to most surveys. ( Imagine me having to research crap like this) This is the kind of thing that really pisses me off. Having to investigate things I NEVER in a million years thought I would ever have to deal with.

I also have read the transcripts of her IC sessions and she, multiple times, stated to her counselor that the sex was not very interesting (with only a couple of "O's" in the beginning and none after the first weekend) and was done to "keep him interested" and prolong their "relationship". She talks a lot about him being her "lifeline" and "escape" from her depressing life. Actually she talks much more about how much fun they had doing things, and how much better she felt because he helped her pass the "lonely hours". Frankly, I don't know which is worse to hear.

but it might also be speculation based on your own situations

What other advice can we give?

What makes an intelligent, adult person go against everything that they hold dear?

Less than a year before my FWW's affair, her BFF had an affair that made the national news. Also, she attended a conference on the West coast where her roommate had an affair. In both situations, when discussing the situation, she literally gagged at points in the conversation. My FWW teaches ethics in her position at work. We had issues in our marriage due to my *little white lies*. If you get an answer that makes sense, please post it.

IF, my wife was a sex-crazed, congenital liar

How long did she withhold the truth?

We're here to help. We are not into slamming your wife. Most of us hope that R is the destination. However, ultimately, this site is about *surviving* infidelity. It ain't pretty and it isn't easy. 2-5 years is the most accepted timeline for recovery. Honesty is the largest part of R. You've had how many years of lies?

Bottom line, I know you've heard it before. *Take what you need, leave the rest.*

I think you're doing well brother. Keep posting.

How is it lopsided if you forgive? If you rebuild a new marriage?

Because you can never forget. Forgiveness is great that is a crusial (how do you spell that?) for a successfull R.

From your last post we can dismiss poor quality marital sex as the reason and its obvious you had a very strong marriage. So you have to accept that she was lonely with you being away and decided to have an affair to occupy her time. Even though you would be returning in a few months from your assignment and would be meeting her in Key West shortly for the anniversary celebration.

Wives who are lonely don't necessarily turn to other men for comfort; she has girl friends and a large family for instance. How about you were away and she saw an opportunity to have an exciting affair without fear of discovery, or having to face you at the end of the day after being with the OM. Its almost if the marriage had temporarily ceased to exist and she was a 'single' woman once more; at least for a few months.

So replace loneliness with an exciting opportunity with an attractive guy and we may be a bit nearer the truth. This was probably her last chance to do this. After you returned she would not cheat because her marriage was back and you would be a constant presence in her life. It was just a golden opportunity to have a sexual affair before settling down to a life of contented faithfulness. Her marriage was erased for a few months so she give herself totally to the OM, then it was over; an exciting experience to add to life's treasured memories. Except its turned into a horrible nightmare.

On the issue of trust, what if you need to be away for a few weeks/months in the future? Has she learned her lesson?

AT Christmas, right before this happened, she cried and pleaded for me to allow her to quit her job and come and stay with me. that she couldn't bare to be without me.

It could be when you said no to her request, she said well, on your own head be it; now I have justification for my proposed affair.

I suspect she was angry and rejected by your refusal to let her join you and that was the resentment fuel for her future, tragic actions.

[This message edited by OK now at 10:08 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]

OK, what you are saying , I understand, but it presupposes a degree of ruthlessness that my wife simply doesn't possess. The last thing anyone would ever say about her is that she is cold-blooded or calculating in any way. From the transcripts and from her words, I'm beginning to understand that she was far more depressed than she ever let show. With no kids, a dying father and a husband away from home for who knew how long, I think that she lost herself to misery.

Bdell, I do not agree with some of the perspectives above.

if you read many of the WW threads, you will not find a rational, "hey now I have a chance to cheat", thought process. It is a gradual slide into an emotional quicksand.

it is entirely possible that your WW was looking for friendship, and once boundary protection systems were down, the OM suggested a physical relationship in order 'to get more close'. That is a pattern discussed the the much recommended book "Not Just Friends".

also, some here are piling on your WW for not confessing to you. This site is unique in dogmatically pushing the virtue of un-solicited confession after the A has been ended. Further, a lot of folks then take this issue as an aspect of 'true remorse'. The much recommended book "After the Affair" specifically cautions against confession for a WS that has ended an A and has recommitted. Not to mention a legion of ICs. Yes I would have appreciated my WW ending the A and confessing. But your WW sought out professional advice and took it. Do not allow yourself to tear her down for that choice which seems to be a possible outcome of some of the above perspectives.

MC Jack, I appreciate the posters giving me their opinions, but the ones who seem to be the most critical of my wife , are the ones whose own WS hasn't been as remorseful as they hoped that they would be. I condemn my wife for her affair, but I really need to learn much more than I know now, to make any kind of informed judgement. I don't have the answers yet, but I am determined to get them.

My wife was a great wife for 23 years, loyal, loving, and respectful. For 4 months she went completely out of character and had an affair. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a myth.. There is no way that an honorable, loving spouse turns, virtually over night , into a depraved cheating wh*re. There MUST have been some pretty severe trauma or depression involved.

Bdell,

My WW is a recovering alcoholic.

To sum it up quickly, I had the ideal wife for 15+ years of marriage. She has congenital heart disease that she learned right after our marriage. She had major open heart surgery back in the early 2000s.

Post surgery, for quite some time, she had trouble digesting after meals. A friend innocently suggested a glass of wine during dinner to ease the muscles(she never drank at this point). It helps, so the pattern continues. Maybe a little more wine during dinner---add this to a potentially depressed person(like you, my WW didn't show this...or I was oblivious to it), and the path to destruction is underway.

After my Dday(s), and a long time afterwards, I wouldn't accept that one had anything to do with the other. I didn't want to accept any *excuse* that may have had a part of her decision to cheat.

But it did. And I am sure that your current assessment of your WW's mindset at the time is fairly accurate. Doesn't make things OK, but does give you a direction.

Personally, I think it is good to hear differing theories, like OK mentioned. It helps us look where we may not have looked before. It is all part of the fact-finding mission that you hoped you would never have to endure.

Adultery is a commonly seen as the biggest betrayal in a marriage. For a happily married woman to allow another man to place his penis inside her body and ejaculate, tells us that she is likely in the grip of profound resentment, so I was suggesting looking for that resentment as a reason for her adultery.

It seems possible that she was deeply hurt by your refusal to allow her to join you in your job location and take a sabbatical from her work. It may seem to her that you didn't miss her as much as she missed you; she felt an intense rejection. this may have weakened the bonds of loyalty enough to permit her cheating.

Otherwise, what can you say. She got depressed and lonely for you so she decided an affair was just the ticket to lift her spirits?

I believe your wife is too good of a person to cheat for such a puerile reason.

80 - 90% of women cheat because of a strong resentment against the BH according to various surveys. Posts in JFO seem to support this. All I was trying to say was look for the resentment in your wife's adultery. Its a reason that makes sense, while saying she was temporarily unhinged by loneliness is no explanation at all.

I hope you will reconcile as your wife deserves it for her intense remorse. Along with others I remain supportive of you in your quest to make sense of what happened and come to terms with your wife's one-time betrayal.

[This message edited by OK now at 6:41 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]

You've already said it yourself,

"From the transcripts and from her words, I'm beginning to understand that she was far more depressed than she ever let show. With no kids, a dying father and a husband away from home for who knew how long, I think that she lost herself to misery."

That's enough to drive anyone over the edge.

Personally, I think your one very lucky man.

You have a WW that's remorseful and is trying to do everything she can to make up for the terrible choice she made.

I too hope you reconcile. I believe we are all human and everyone deserves forgiveness. I'm just sharing my struggles. I definitely have a remorseful wife. She has literally begged me not to leave her. And it bothers me. I ask myself, if I'm so important, why did you do it? there doesn't seem to be an answer that is reasonable. curiosity? insecurity? seeking affirmation? I've come to the conclusion that she was seeking affirmation for her attractiveness, not love, and that she thought there was no chance she would get caught. So in her mind, what was the downside?

Pretty selfish. but in her mind, what I don't know can't really hurt me. Now, needless to say, she is ashamed of herself, nearly suicidal, and not very fun to be around.

My point to you Bdell, is that you may swing back and forth for quite some time. I do. Maybe you can get over her affair. but I noticed, you posted a thread about having an open marriage. So maybe you realize that perhaps your marriage is forever changed after all.

I wouldn't have an open marriage. If I stay with my wife, I don't want to watch her go out on dates. and I really don't want two women in my life. I'm not a cheater.

My problem, and if you follow my trajectory, is that my opinion of my wife is forever changed. I'm not sure I can get over the betrayal.

I won't say that I hope you can. I will say that I hope the best for you, whatever that may be.

I am beginning to understand the task ahead of me, if I choose to reconcile, and it's pretty daunting to be sure. I think that I will come to realize that there was no one, single, reason for her actions but an accumulation of causes. Loneliness, depression, fear, resentment, and poor coping skills all played their part in the choices she made. My wife is (normally) a very moral, intelligent, attractive, and loving woman. Seeing her as she is now, a complete wreck, begging for scraps of love, trying to remake her self image, is hard to take.

I was struck by one thing the counselor said to me during one of our talks. My wife has never had to face any serious life-altering crisis without her support network. My wife's support network is me, her parents and sister, our kids, and her few friends. Of that network, I was gone most of the time, her father was dying and so her mother and sister were understandably focused on him, our kids were gone, and of her friends, her best female friend is my Buddy's wife and she had moved and the couple of other friends aren't close enough for her to confide in. Any port in a storm.

Guys and Gals, I want all of you to know that I will NEVER cheat on my wife. No "open marriage", no "ONS'S", no revenge affairs. I will either reconcile or end it.

But , I am thinking I could really use some "me time" away from all of the distractions and drama. I am thinking that a 4 or 5 day fishing trip to FL. might be in order. My wife is going to my Buddy's house to spend some time with his wife. so......why not?

I think that I will come to realize that there was no one, single, reason for her actions but an accumulation of causes. Loneliness, depression, fear, resentment, and poor coping skills all played their part in the choices she made. My wife is (normally) a very moral, intelligent, attractive, and loving woman.

Exactly. I break it down into the following categories:

1. Poor personal boundaries (someone that violates their own personal morals and beliefs): of which depression, fear, and coping skills play a major role

2. Emotional needs going unmet: such as loneliness and resentment

3. Poor emotional intimacy/communication (sharing your hopes, dreams, and fears with your spouse): your wife did not feel comfortable coming to you with her emotional suffering and instead sought out an affair as a way of escaping her pain and/or finding happiness.

Once you come to grips with the above, you will have a better understanding of what went wrong and why your wife made the poor choices she did. For R to succeed, at some point you will need to find a way to overcome the pain and anger, and replace it with compassion and loving-kindness. Some of that change will need to come from your wife, but a lot of it will also depend on you.

I agree with a lot of this. She told the IC that she felt that she couldn't add to my burden, with her problems. I was working 7 days a week with one 3 day weekend off every month, trying to get home in the soonest time possible. Everything HAD to work like clockwork, or I was faced with having to be permanently assigned out of state. The pressure was enormous, but if I had known how bad things were for her, I would have quit and found another local job. It would have meant great financial hardships for a while but it would have been better than this sh*tstorm.

I think that you ought to go and take some time for yourself. It might help you to clear your head, give you some relief, and allow you to decompress a bit. I found the times that I could be by myself, think at my own pace, and just allow life to happen around me were really restful and productive times. Take some "you" time. I think that you'll probably gain some clarity from it.

I think a weeks fishing trip to Florida is just the ticket; some time away from your wife and her misery, which of course triggers your pain.

Maybe you will come with answer as to your way forward and how to deal with your wife's codependency. The sad thing about all this is hearing what a first-rate excellent marriage you had and it was still tainted with adultery. Apparently no-one's relationship is safe from cheating.