SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been forever since I have been here-but, nothing has changed... Except my husband has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and suffers from hypersexuality. We just started lithium and depakote (among others) but, there has been a spike in his seeking out sexual liasons. Anyone here dealt with bipolar??? I need to talk to someone.

(((Betrayed000))) Yeah, dealt/dealing with bipolar here too. I'll PM you w/ a suggestion.

I myself am bipolar. And, yes, hypersexuality is part of the manic phase. I've experienced it myself and almost ruined my marriage (this was before I was diagnosed).. Thankfully I have a husband who took the time to learn about the disorder and the warning signs and triggers of a mood change.

Thanks heforgot. I fully realize all situations are different, but I have a few questions from the other perspective...

My H is fully aware that my goal is to remain together. I feel that because he knows this, that he feels almost untouchable for his actions. I find women's underwear in his car and he tells me he is struggling and feeds me lies about, well everything. My question is- were u aware that your H wanted to keep the marriage together? Did you ever feel a sense of "permission" so to speak. Or is it so uncontrolled that the idea never crossed your mind?

Also, I have told my H that in order to continue supporting him he has to be honest with me... This isn't happening- and he is mad AT ME for snooping and replying to his women via text... Is any of this familiar to your situation?

My H has told me that if I leave he will kill himself. I feel extremely manipulated- but, love him too much to chance it... With the dx of Bipolar- I know the risk of suicide is very real.... How do I handle not being a doormat and not having a dead H!?

We had a period of time where I felt truly invincible. During that manic period I really believed that I could cheat and he would be ok with it. I even invited the man I intended to sleep with to our home a few times. Ballsy right? I knew I was hurting him but at the time I thought he was over reacting. Once i came down from that "high" I plummeted into a deep depression. I couldn't believe that I could treat my husband this way. I was suicidal. This was about 7 years ago, and I still cry over the emotional turmoil I put him through. The guilt will never go away. But you should know this: When I go through manic periods I truly believe that what I am doing is ok. The bipolar brain lies to us. Nothing mattered but my needs. I knew my husband wanted to stay together. It didn't matter.

You may experience this with you husband. If he is anything like me, he will be insatiable for a time. And extremely depressed after.

The right combination of meds is crucial. It took about a year to find the right ones for me. Now I lead a very normal life. With a few rules: My husband now knows the signs of when a manic period is coming. I am completely transparent. He has passwords to everything I have. He can see my phone at any time. This is the only way we can stay together and trust each other.

(((Betrayed))

You say that nothing has changed, but maybe getting him on the right meds will help.

My WH has bi polar disorder as well. His affair was during a time when he was incredibly stable and was a deliberate, thought out planned event, so I'm pretty confident he was not symptomatic at the time. Post affair however, has been hell. It's so hard to deal with affair recovery and the constant threats of suicide if you decide you can't or don't want to reconcile. I have no advice, but want to let you know that you are not alone.

[This message edited by ddame23 at 3:36 PM, December 20th (Friday)]

My fwh went from EA to PA while manic. He was already betraying me but he didn't see it that way. Once high he just didn't think I'd care that he was cheating and why shouldn't he have a fuck buddy???

Then he came down and tried to end it and the sociopathic whore he was with played him with the whole "I will kill myself if you end it" routine. He got more and more depressed and ended up suicidal and in hospital and was getting sicker and sicker before I found out. I was meant to throw him out on dday so he could kill himself quietly. But I didn't.

The A ended and somehow the whore isn't dead yet. He's now taking his meds (more our issue that not being on the right stuff) and he's more stable than for a very long time.

It really sucks though. I feel as devastated as any other BS but I'm also full of compassion for his illness and relieved he seems to be getting well

I've lived with the constant threat of suicide for years. It's terrifying and my response of becoming completely codependent and accepting all manner of crap behaviour just enabled him further and further and led to the A.

It's amazing to be with a husband who is well after so long but the fear of relapse remains

I wish you well. In all this you will feel out of control so care or yourself and your children first.

[This message edited by Marathonwaseasy at 3:41 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]

I am bipolar. When I was manic I would laugh over ridiculous things, shopped a little too much, and was really hyper.

I never, EVER thought of cheating. I know everyone is different but I don't think being bipolar changes your values. I think it's an excuse. I have my bipolar under control with many meds-lamictal, Cymbalta, abilify, Ritalin, and Xanax. Sure I hate taking that many meds but it's better than the alternative.

My WH tried to use my mental issues as a reason to cheat. I do everything in my power to be a normal person. I have a psychiatrist and an IC. It's no excuse for him to screw someone else. He admitted to me that she had terrible mood swings, would pick a fight with him and then call him, acting as if nothing happened. Maybe she needs to work on herself.

I am bipolar.

During major mania, I acted out sexually in ways I never had.

I was happy homemaker, married early to long term high school sweetheart. I had never been with anyone but my husband.

Yes, we had been having issues for years. My husband resented marrying me so he completely ignored me. I was undiagnosed (then) bipolar. During major mania...not the same as shopping too much, talking too loud etc...I do those too but it's not the same thing as a big episode...I blew our marriage and world apart.

I am generally introverted and happy being mostly a home body.

I turned into a Dominatrix literally bathed in consensual blood...partying all the time, rarely sleeping, hypersocial, hypersexual and clad in black latex, posing nude for amateur porn sites.Extreme night and day difference.

I don't even remember what I was doing half the time and I was on no drugs and little, if any alcohol.

My husband, instead of getting me help, turned everyone he could against me and literally set me up to wipe me off on my best friend who had "fallen in love" with me. He told me he had done it on purpose btw, I'm not guessing.

I wish to all the gods that be that he had gotten me help but whatever,

My reason for exposing myself like this is that yes, it is very possible to act out insanely badly due to bipolar...in ways that are NOT you just using excuses.

With that said, I think it's extremely wrong for anyone to use the 'if you leave I'll kill myself'. It IS manipulative. It isn't wrong to say 'I'm feeling suicidal over the things I've done or what's going on.' Deep depression is pretty common after a manic bender.

Does it seem as if he's remorseful and actually wants help managing himself?

In my current marriage, now my husband has spent time learning the ins and outs of bipolar. I have access to his bank account online so I can look because I need transparency after his last A but I do not have a debit card on his account so not easy for me to have spending access if I'm even a little manic because shopping is my typical behavior. He knows not to let me out alone if I suddenly have a burning desire to go clubbing etc...and to watch out for me while we are out.

He knows that all kinds of things can be a trigger so minimize these stimuli and watch what can't be avoided.

I don't want to ever act out completely uncontrolled again. It was humiliating and embarrassing in the extreme once I came back to my right mind and that took a long and painful while.

Had my ex husband been acting poorly towards me for so long I was a shell of my former self? Yes. Was I just waiting for the opportunity to lay waste to everything we had together? No.

Did I blow our entire world sky high in horrifyingly absurd and endlessly painful ways? Yes. Did I think it was a good idea then? Yes...I thought everything I was doing was excellent.

Do I now? No. I hang my head in shame. I understand a lot more now that I'm diagnosed and understand a few things as well as seeing the pain I caused and living through the pain intentionally caused against me. It's a big mess.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. If your husband isn't interested in getting himself solidly under control, you don't have to stay. It can take a very, very long time for a BP to even understand that their ugly, bizarre behavior isn't real in terms of being their real ideas and desires. It takes some real epiphany sort of moments and then lots of commitment to putting safe guards in place. It involves a lot of trust so that when the BP is acting out, they can trust their partner when they tell the BP that they aren't acting right or need to go home or do something different. It's hard, exhausting work but he has to be as committed to that process as you are.

I hope I'm not off on an unhelpful tangent. That isn't my intention.

I believe that my wxh is bipolar. His affair partner is also bipolar. They were both on Effexor, and he tried to tell me that the drugs allowed him to think that the affair was ok.

I went with him to his next appointment at the neurologist, and she very kindly told me that he wanted to have the affair.

He also tried to kill himself. The suicide attempt was the final straw for me. I saw it as another way for him to try to control me.

We are all in control of our own destiny and actions.