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He was flattered by the chase and excited by the opportunity to be with someone new and gave in. He treated her better than he has treated me. I'm sure he was never emotionally abusive to her

You can't compare your marriage and how he is with OW. If you're going to do that, then you need to compare apples to apples. In the beginning of your relationship with him he probably treated you pretty well, right?

It's my guess that your WH can't handle or sustain a real and intimate relationship. He wants the lovey/dovey, *easy* stuff. If 'real life' or *hard* enter the picture, then his 'switch' flips.

It really is NOT you, it's him. It's NOT that your little family wasn't worth it to him -- he seems incapable of being truly connected, dialed-in, and grateful for what he had.

He threw away what could have been a nice, happy family life to chase the *rainbow high*. He'll pay for that when he's old and alone because all he's ever had was superficial relationships.

I've not hear from. The feeling of abandonment is heavy. I am embarrassed that not only did my WH cheat on me, he left me afterwards. I can't help but feel inadequate, undesirable, and unworthy. The marriage we created wasn't strong enough, worthy, fulfilling enough to keep him from desiring affection and excitement outside the marriage.

Please don't blame yourself for his lack of relationship skills...his inability to deal with reality. You don't want to be stuck with someone who is delusional.

Being a loving, faithful wife and mother is something to be proud of. You did not cause this and unfortunately you cannot fix it by yourself. Marriages require two people willing to put in the work to make the partnership click.

HE is not ready or willing to do the work, not your fault. Remember that.

There are countless folks right here on SI who can testify to wasting their loving lives on someone that was immature with no moral fortitude. Count your blessings, you have dodged a bullet!

I so understand the feelings of embarrassment and abandonment. This is the time to grieve the marriage. You will have up and down times. I am so sorry about that. But honestly there is no way around the grief. You gotta go through it. Sorry.

Just know that there are better days ahead. REALLY! Actively detaching will help the healing progress. You will need to reach the point of indifference...Because the opposite of love is not hate...its indifference.

It feels like you are swimming upstream right now but you will become stronger and the journey will become easier the further away you get from the hurt. That is why the 180 is so important for you.

NC=no new hurts.

Better days are coming. Don't fear the future. You are strong and smart. Start dreaming of the possibilities, the marvelous future, because you and your baby girl are going to have a great life!

Today is our wedding anniversary and I can't seem to calm down.

I met with my IC and I like her. She agrees with much of you all have been saying.

My WH has responded positively to the 180. He said he never wanted to split up and said he did because he was angry. He also said he realizes that once he is upset, it's hard for him to control his words and he just let's it fly, regardless of how much it hurts us both.

He has been warm and respectful during our very limited interactions. He did leave a letter outlining all that he is willing to do for me to give him a chance... He outlined everything I've asked before. He said he realized he was pushing me forward out of his own discomfort. He said he knows he needs to not only change his behavior, but also his "character" and ways to manage his anger to including his own IC. . He has been going out of his way to make sure I know he is desperate for us. I don't respond to his advances.

I despwrately want to give in, beleive him, and give him another chance, but I did not. I said we cannot solve this and that he was too late and all the damage that has been done is too much to overcome. I did this because I don't know that this time would be any different. He has been more consistently apologetic and patient during our interactions..

He said he understood and I've not heard from him since and it is taking it's till on me.

My IC said that the biggest thing I am risking is getting hurt again, so why not give him a 2 week trial period, than can be extended by another 2 weeks each time if he continues to engage is appropriate behavior. I'm so confused. I don't know how to get through today, the anniversary of our wedding.

He asked to take me out today and sent me his plans for a special date. I could be doing that instead of walking around like a basket case feeling entirely ambivalent.

Before you give him another chance, what actions is he taking? Not talking about, but actually doing. See, there are things that he could do that don't require you being there.

Finding his own IC, a MC and meeting whether or not you're there. Making your burdens lighter by taking over household tasks you usually do. Reading books, coming clean, sending you account and password information.

He can earn his way to another chance with more than pretty words and empty promises.

Holly- he has attended our dd drs appts, brought food over to where I am staying so I don't have to cook, gave his passwords and work schedule, attended a few MC sessions, sent me a revised work schedule that would allow him to be much more involved with our dd and I, and tries to make plans to do things with the baby (go to the park, shopping for baby clothes, etc.), all of which I've not gone along with.

As for coming clean... That remains to be seen. Even when he answers, I don't beleive him because of all the lies he's told before. I'm not sure when I can start to think he is coming clean.

I am really struggling with the consequences of my decision to not try with him. It was my choice and it breaks my heart. I am stuck between doing what I think is right based on all that has happened both during and after the affair, and doing what "feels good."

Excuse the rambling...

Stat, your WS is exhibiting classic abusive spouse behavior.

It really is beginning to sound you value the ideal of "marriage" higher than your value your self worth.

k9

This is classic abuse behavior. I am in the same boat as you. It was a never ending cycle, emotional rollercoaster. We had not been speaking for a couple of weeks in October due to HIS inappropriate behavior. Our wedding anniversary was coming up and I received an email from him with a link to a very nice upscale motel with a message stating "I booked this for us. Please let me know if you will go with me. I responded with I'm not interested. I then got a message stating "this could have been something really great, so many vacations planned for us".. like I was the one who completely RUINED it in the first place. He text me all day that day to see if I would go with him. I didn't. He was very persistent, even cried and said I'm the love of his life and he can't lose me again. I eventually gave in to having dinner with him and spending the night. All that did was feed his ego. These type of men love the challenge, treat us as horrible as possible and see if I can still get her back. If so, I must be pretty special.

Oh, he was amazing for another few weeks until it was too much work. He picked a fight. We didn't speak for another few days, bought me flowers and repeat. Amazing again for another couple of weeks. We had the most Amazing few weekends away together in November/early December. He caused another fight mid December, didn't speak for another few days (I sometimes wonder if it was to see OW, although he still swears he has not touched another woman since he laid eyes on me) We were on again the weekend before Christmas. He was amazing, loving. Christmas Eve, he caused a fight and dumped me because I had too many expectations. I have ignored his texts since. I can't do it anymore, just drained.

Do you really want to stay on the rollercoaster? I truly believe these men can not handle intimacy or a long term relationship. Mine too wants the lovey/dovey. The minute it gets real or he has expectations, he bails. It's not you. It's him.

I miss mine like crazy too. My friends don't get it. He treated me horribly, true. But the good times were unbelievably good, so it's hard for people who haven't experienced this type of relationship to understand. Be strong.

I think at this point, he's not the issue here, believe it or not. I think the real issue here is as a BS, we need to work on ourselves. Our healing, etc. I hope you keep up the 180, it has NOTHING to do with him but everything to do with you. You cannot R or even think about it until your mind is at a decent place and that he is truly remorseful. He has to keep up the good stuff he is doing for a whole lot more than a couple weeks. It has to be months... years. Because that's what true love is, never ending hard work to love the one person you choose to be with you the rest of your life.

This is coming from a person who is now in a 6+ year successful R. That R happened because of key factors:

1. remorseful spouse who is actively working on becoming a better person and finding out why he is broken

2. I've learned to be ok on my own. Not afraid of a real life outside of my imagined life with FWH. I've healed myself and my self-esteem. Faked my confidence until I have it back. Learned how to make myself happy with and without him.

3. We both every single day even now keep choosing to actively love each other. Not sex, not just physically coexisting, but truly intimately acting as one is a lot of work.

Do you see these factors in your current situation? Do you even see #2 in yourself? I hope.

I'm sorry you're here. We're here for you.

Hugs your way.

I stuck to my guns, did not return home as he repeatedly asked for, and did not tolerate any more of his anger. He asked for another chance and showed some promise, but I asked him to respond to done unanswered questions and he walked out of the room & didn't contact me until later. When I said that we could not continue like this, he aaked for a minute or two to talk. I said no because we were having the same conversation again & again. I said there was nothing he could say to change my mind and he needed to leave. I tried to stand up for myself and show him that I would not tolerate anything but his patience and honesty. He left and appeared sad.

He text me later saying that he asked his visiting family to return home early so they no longer have to witness this and that he wants a divorce as soon as humanely possible. He said he wants someone who trusts him and isn't fighting with him all the time.

I want divorce... I want to be out of this as soon as possible... Do what u need to make it as easy and as quick as possible...

I can't let them see this anymore...

I don't want to see u anymore and I wish I could see DD more often... I hate mylife and I hate everything what is around me...

Pls don't txt don't email and don't call unless its papers, finance or DD

We r not improving but getting worse...

I'm more angry and unstable just like you

U will never trust me again(without trust there is no marriage)

U will always be angry with me for what I have done(u will never forgive me)

I don't want to watch DD growing up as a visitor (I rather don't see her at all and it will be less painful)

I don't want her to know who is the father...

I'm getting worse health wise and mentally and poor Perfomance at work, just like you.

I know what has to be done. I'm obviously not going to disagree or contest. It makes it no less tolerable knowing that I am broken, he doesn't like what he sees, and wants something better. I never planned to be a single mom. I thought I chose my parter wisely. I waited until I completed my professional degree and had a secure job to have her. Everything I've worked towards is falling apart and I feel helpless. I'll start posting in S/D, but wanted to update and say thank you to everyone who helped me here.

(((((statistic))))))) Do we have the same wH? I, too, thought I had found the perfect man. We had so much planned for our future. That is what is killing me, the realization that our life i wanted so badly can only happen if I:

-Let him control me

-Never ask questions or confront him about his inappropriat behaviors

-Turn a blind eye, as he needs constant women attention/affirmation because HE is broken.

-Keep my mouth shut, NEVER bring up his behavior and how it hurts me.

-Cook, clean, isolate myself, and focus 120% of my attention on him, make him feel wonderful with praise, although it's NEVER enough for him.

-Pretend he is God and I am so lucky to have him at all times, no matter what he does to me.

Then, and only then, we could have the perfect marriage. We deserve so much more than that!!

he doesn't like what he sees, and wants something better.

All he *sees* is that he isn't getting what he wants. You aren't *acting* the way that he wants you to. He is purely manipulating you in the hopes that he can *scare* you back into line.

Are you starting to find any humor in the fact that he repeatedly tells you not to contact him....and then when you don't come running after him, HE initiates contact and pulls this *victim* shit on you?

One thing that should have you *seeing red* is the fact that he is using your baby to be heavy-handed with you. The baby is NOT a bargaining chip and it needs to piss you off that he is using her as such. His insinuation that he will remove himself from her life if there is a divorce is a total dick-move.

THIS-

I'm more angry and unstable just like you

U will never trust me again(without trust there is no marriage)

Made me spit my coffee at my laptop; REALLY?

Look how he's turning his anger back at you - suggesting YOU were the unstable one at first, and now he just resembles you.

And the trust comment? Hilarous! Where and when did he finally get a clue about trust, this from the untrustworthy one?

OMG - I don't mean to make light of the situation - I know it's painful. But if you could try to crawl out of the emotion of the situation and read these thoughts as a 3rd party observer. He really is immature and completely clueless. Please stay strong and move forward. If he has any hope, he needs to hit rock bottom, become enlightened regarding his immaturity, lack of integrity and character and work hard to build new behavior patterns before there's any hope.

This popped out at me

I don't want to watch DD growing up as a visitor (I rather don't see her at all and it will be less painful)

Seriously?

When does a true parent have more concern about what's less painful for them than for their children????

Seriously did you marry a baby and he's now just entering puberty? I know a lot of teenagers more mature than this!!!

One disaster after another. WH came to visit DD without notifying me ahead of time. My parents and sister were here. WH asked to talk to the family as a whole and told us all that he had done everything in his power to convince me to return home, but I was asking things of him that were absurd, such as changin his job. Somewhere, my sister lost her cool over what he was saying calling him "psychotic," yelling, slamming her hands on the table, then my dad dstarting yelling at him, then WH started back. I ran upstairs with DD. All I heard was lots of yelling. My dad demanded that he leave and WH refused. Lots of horrible things said back and forth, until my dad called the cops. I heard WH threaten my father and sister. WH left before cops arrived. Just when I thought things could not get worse. My family has kept their cool for so long- being respectful despite WH behavior... It just blew up tonight and had horrible consequences. I think they said things they have long wanted to tell him, but I didn't let them because I thought it would make things worse. I feel horrible for allowing our problems to impact everyone else. The police suggest I need to file for divorce and get a restraining order first thing in the morning. Please help me get through tonight and tomorrow.

I failed to respond to previous posts because of what just happened. Yes, it engraves me, yet also terrifies me, that he will use our DD in such a way. He wants a divorce and prefers to not see her so as to not feel any more sadness. Of course his logic is horrible wrong, but I do hope he pulls his head out of you know where so that he realizes that she will ultimately lose by his absence.

Yes, I do value the marriage more than myself. I always have and it's gotten me nowhere but here.

I do have an IC session first thing tomorrow. I also hope my lawyer will see me for an emergency filing. I've got no money, but will put it on a credit card and take my chances. The police officer actually recommended a restraining order. I can't believe I let me life spiral so out of control that I find myself here, making police reports, asking for a restraining order, and placing myself in great debt in order to get out. The retainer is $7,500!! And the fact that his parents who are visiting from out of the country , who are lovely, wonderful human being witnessed this fall out breaks my heart. I wish they were never privy to this. They are hurting too and they've done nothing wrong.

I'm so sorry for what happened tonight with WH and your family, it's so heartbreaking.

You are doing everything right. You are strong, and you will get through this.

Just take one day at a time.

Jackie,

Thanks for the support. I think the episode was 10 years in the making- my husbands English is far from sophisticated so he often came across in a harsh way. My family was tired of making excuses for him and accepting his rude words or behavior because "that's the way he is."

I can't sleep or stop shaking. I'm afraid of what he might do now. As he was leaving, he told me that he sees so much anger in me and that I'm just not aware of it. He said it's my anger that I won't admit that got us all here in the first place.he is right, I'm angry about what happened to all of us.

I may post often the next few days as I file and get a restraining order. I need a lot of support because I'm having a hard time wanted to continue in this life. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Stat-(((((hugs))))). None of this is your fault! You did nothing wrong, zero,zilch. His issues are his and his alone. You have been a victim of abuse at the hands if a master manipulator. He is laying his affair on you, he is laying his outrageous behavior on you, now he is laying his anger on you. Stat it isn't you! You have a every right to be mad too by the way, this man has wreaked havoc on your life and you've done nothing wrong. His parents are hurt and that's his fault, he made horrific choices and horrific choices have consequences.

He is mad as hell because he thought he could manipulate you into coming back, he thought he could then bully you into believing his sick behavior is because of you. Stat, he is trying to manipulate you and when it fails he throws a tantrum. Don't fall for it.

Your baby isn't a bargaining tool and any father who will threaten not seeing his child is sick and evil. You are hurting right now and you need to allow your family to be there for you. The fight they had is on your WH. It sounds like he wanted a confrontation and had hoped he could convince your family that its your fault because he "tried". They saw thru the bullshit and called him on it and WH didnt like that.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. You are so much stronger then you think. You will have an amazing life ahead free from abuse. You are a good mom and your baby needs you so much. Please continue posting and reaching out for support. You are strong and you will get through this. Don't allow yourself to fall into WH traps. Stay NC with him except for DD issues. Get the lawyer retained, empower yourself. Don't expect your WH to honor NC though, he will continue to play games and attempt to manipulate you back into your place. Do not allow it. We are all here with you.

(I'm on my iPhone so please excuse grammar and spelling errors!)

told us all that he had done everything in his power to convince me to return home, but I was asking things of him that were absurd

The family saw through his bullshit and he got pissed off because they weren't buying his *victimy*/'it's all Stat's fault' shit.

You get that restraining order. He doesn't get to come to the house, cause a huge scene, and start threatening people.

The fact that he is becoming unable to control the people that he encounters (you, family) is driving him batshit crazy right now. He doesn't like boundaries and he is going to barrel through them every chance that he gets. The hardest part for you is going to be to STAND FIRM. Standing firm is hard as hell -- the abuser will throw the most god-awful insults at you. But you cannot back down.

He said it's my anger that I won't admit that got us all here in the first place.he is right

No, Stat, he ISN'T fucking right. He is fucked up.

Have you been reading any of those abuse websites? If not, please start now. And add the Baggage Reclaim site.

I didn't mean he is right. I mean that he thinks he is right. I do this on my phone sometimes so I make many mistakes.

He asked for a swift divorce and the police suggested I file today to protect my daughter. I told him I was going to place the lawyer fee on our credit card with no interest. I thought this was better than letting him find out later, that would REALLY piss him off.

He followed with a series of texts that cur very, very deep. I am resisting the urge to respond. He sees things very differently that I do. Nonetheless, I don't want him to have these impression of me. It's like the harder I try, the angrier and hateful he becomes.

How u don't understand, it's not me, it's U and your family who wants a divorce and stop manipulating everything u touch... For what I have done to your family, this is what I get back...

Yes I want to sell the house as fast as possible so I don't have to deal with your family anymore... U can go with them and help them whenever u wish...

I'm going to try to keep this house for DD (not for u)...

And we can talk in person about the rest...

What u have done to me in the last 4 months I will never forgive u! I put myself in your shoes and I would never done anything close what u did to me. My parents or friends would never go against u! I worked for u and your family for the last 8 years, giving them house, cars and diamonds for u... I never bought anything big for myself and my family...

But it's going to be changed and I'm glad it's happening now so I'm still young and I can take things different!

U did it to yourself... Your anger is unmatched to anything... I was ready to save us and Mila but u never wanted this! U r never happy with me, and always complain. That's why u will pay and our daughter will pay for this...

Also, your jealous family will learn how to be supportive in the most difficult moment... Not when they get new car or Place to live that's when they smile

Go run to your family and friends and tell them how angry shit husband I'm...

Please help me learn to better handle his messages and not let them impact me as much as they do. I am completely besides myself and resisting the urge to counter his every point. He was very generous and took care of my parents for many years. This meant he was not able to care for his parents as well as he would have liked. But I thought he wanted to do this, just like I helped him with his immigration forms or helped him pass his college courses.

I don't know how to handle knowing that the person I spent the last 10 years of my life with just shifted his perception of me from a loving wife, to an evil, manipulative leech. This perception can shift in a matter of days or hours. Is this truly how he feels? Or only when he is angry? I don't need him to love me- clearly that ship has sailed. I just want him to have a perception of our past that is fair.