SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

my question is, are there waywards out there who have felt this way, but later on ended up cheating again anyway? and if you dont mind telling your stories, what are the reason(s) why you think you ended up reverting to infidelity again?

No, i know i will never cheat again ever.

That said - it doesn't mean that I see the slippery slope every single time before I start down it. It means that when I DO notice, i immediately change course and correct my behavior and learn from it.

I am almost 6 year's out - and we have gone through some serious shit - so I feel very strongly that I am never going to cheat under any circumstance of stress or neglect.

Waywards that are overwhelmed with guilt and shame

Be careful with this. Guilt and shame have their place and serve their purpose in a healthy person, but becoming overwhelmed by them simply makes them another bad coping mechanism

I think we may have different ideas about the word "overwhelmed", but here is my take on that

there was a night a couple of weeks after D-Day where i would call myself overwhelmed with the shame, when BF told me how he outed me to everyone of his facebook friends. I was supposed to go to a little Christmas party that my friends were having but i was so ashamed, I felt that i couldn't even leave my room, let alone leave my house and go to a party that had several people who knew there. I was so full of despair, i laid on my bedroom floor and sobbed for an hour before BF came and picked me up off the floor.

I believe i needed that low point, in order to move forward. BF said something along the lines that maybe i needed to break so completely, in order to put the pieces back together the right way, the stronger way. I think maybe sometimes we need to feel overwhelmed, in order to really see what needs to be accomplished. i believe its how you handle it, you can dwell or you can do something about it.

think we may have different ideas about the word "overwhelmed"

Nope, that was pretty much what I expected and experienced as well. Just trying to warn you not to get stuck there. You're still really close to dday, so it doesn't surprise me that you have those moments now, and you should. Just try not to get stuck.

t/j,

daisy,

I refuse to be any part of why my WW made the decisions she did. If you don't like the marriage, get out. Wanna get some strange, get out. It is that easy.

end t/j

As to whether it will happen again, who knows. But the possibility is much higher than for someone who hasn't had an A. Remorseful or not it is now a historical possibility.

But it is still wrong to neglect your spouse, no matter how you want to slice it.

It is still wrong to cheat on your spouse, no matter how you slice THAT either.

In my case, my husband already threw me away. My selfish and stupid self did not take the high road and get to divorce court when he did. Instead I decided to cheat. Stupid and selfish.

t/j,

daisy,

I refuse to be any part of why my WW made the decisions she did. If you don't like the marriage, get out. Wanna get some strange, get out. It is that easy.

end t/j

As to whether it will happen again, who knows. But the possibility is much higher than for someone who hasn't had an A. Remorseful or not it is now a historical possibility.

Herk -

While to you this is very easy to understand - obviously to WS's it's not that simple. And only a WS can understand that while it SHOULD be that cut and dry, its not until we face our issues, our brokenness, and accept that what we did was actually a choice and not something that we were pushed into.

I don't know the statistics, but i would imagine that they are much much lower in WS's that are remorseful, go to IC and MC, are fully transparent, ect. Doing the work to gain the trust back.

Nothing is easy.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 12:36 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

My story is similar to Mrs Panda's. I've either cheated or had a "fallback plan" (bad boundaries/knowing the man was a "future possibility") in every relationship I've ever had (until the one after my divorce).

Before I was M to XH, I had a one-day text message EA with the AP. XH found out and he almost called off the marriage. In retrospect, he should have. It might have woken me the fuck up. Unfortunately, we rugswept it. I made all the usual promises & apologies, boo-hooed and swore it'd never happen again, yada yada. I believed myself at the time. But I didn't do a damn thing to change the years and years of the bad attitudes and behavior: the entitlement; thinking I could do whatever I wanted because I don't answer to anyone, the selfishness; always putting myself and my wants above anyone else's, and the immorality. Two years later, I had a full-blown 5 month EA/PA with the same AP, my ex that I couldn't let go of. It cost me my marriage and more.

I didn't change until I was forced to. But once I was forced to, I wanted to.

I don't say "never again" because I don't say "never" anymore. I don't believe in making promises anymore. I'd like to, but I feel I've lost that right. My past has ruined it. But I have the tools now to prevent it, and I know how to use them.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 1:44 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

As a BS, I find statements like "once a cheater, always a cheater" not only disrespectful of the many FWS here who have done the work to figure out their whys & correct them, but also to those of us who are trying to reconcile.

Because of negative generalizations like this, I don't really like opening up in the General forum much anymore. It's like being told we are saps for even trying.

I agree with Undefinabl3, that with a truly remorseful wayward, who has done the work, the probability of cheating again is probably lower than the general population. JMHO though.

I spend a lot of time in the Wayward forum, & have so much respect for the people there who are genuinely trying to understand their crappy choices & change their lives & marriages for the better. It gives me hope.

If there was truly no chance of real, lasting change, there would be no point in SI existing, especially the Reconciliation forum. I, for one, just don't believe that's true. Maybe that makes me naive as well....

Not an excuse but a reason. And I know I will get jumped on for blaming my DH. I really don't. I know I could have chosen differently and should have. But the breakdown of the entire marriage is not entirely due to my A. It has been going on for years.

I think that one of the reasons we BSs tend to get all skittish on this subject is that for a great many of us, our WSs spent some time before the affair tearing us (and the depth of our love), down in their own mind, and in the eyes of the AP and others publicly. Marital history re-writing and what not. This is obviously going to vary wildly on a case-by-case basis.

I think the whole 'Why' concept become a lot less blame-shifty when you remove the other person from the equation and question asking process and re-frame it as the self-destructive act it was...as in, not "How could I do this to my spouse...", but more along the lines of "How could I do this to myself...?"...I think when the question is asked that way, you're much less likely to come up with an answer that involves your husband's actions.

I mean, if you ask yourself "How could I do this to myself...?" and the answer is still, "Because my husband neglected me...", then I think you'd have to start asking yourself why you're letting someone else's poor choices affect your own decision-making process.

Just a thought. YMMV.

And a good thought too. thanks

If your focus is on what you will or will not do, it may be hard to see what you are doing.

This shit cracks me up. We are all human beings, dammit. We are going to fuck up, make mistakes, make bad choices, do stupid shit, hurt ourselves, hurt others, etc. Being a FWS just puts a target on our backs - a big bright red target with blinking lights, that's all.

I know this much - I'd trust a FWS who has done the work more than I'd trust a BS who hasn't.

I know this much - I'd trust a FWS who has done the work more than I'd trust a BS who hasn't.

I think for me my first affair I walked away from. I realized I was being crazy and it was NOT what I wanted. I wanted my husband. What I didn't do was figure out what my issue was. I just new I felt like shit, It made me better and was exciting and then it made me feel worse and worse and I couldn't keep going. But I buried it. I didn't look. I made it disappear to the point even today I have problem pulling out of my mind where and whens. It was too much. BUT!!!! the problem with this is I knew I did it, and it would come and grab me at the most inappropriate time and make my depression even deeper.

This depression I know, I have based on the shame I carried from childhood, now amplified by my affair, to the point there was no life left to me.

I allowed myself to be used by the AP( I say this cause of things I have learnt about the sickness of the ap) because in the moment I felt something other than nothingness.

Would I have said I would cheat again after the first time NO. However to try and do this without dealing with my issues my self esteem and realizing my boundaries for my myself and others suck, and that I am really fricking niave in believing people have my best interest. I would probably end up here again.

This has to be done for ourselves, we cheat on ourselves as much as we do our BS. And I really am at a point I'm not sure if the hurt and damage is more or less for the BS or WS . I really don't think there comparable. They come with their unique set of feelings.

Sorry for that long winded answer. I believe I have to keep working at it. ANd yes I too believe that someone that has worked and working on their crap is safer than someone who isn't or can't see it.

my question is, are there waywards out there who have felt this way, but later on ended up cheating again anyway? and if you dont mind telling your stories, what are the reason(s) why you think you ended up reverting to infidelity again?

My first affair was almost 7 or 8 years ago while dating and living together but not married. Buried it and never told.

Second affair 1.5 years ago. Confessed a few days after which led to panic attacks over previous incidents. Other topics not going all the way to cheating have occurred as well, wife knows everything I do at this point and is ok with it, because she says she believes I have had my wake up moment.

I DO believe people can change, but it takes something happening I can't put my finger on, to make it stick.

When things happened before I felt guilt, but not enough to stop or confess. This time is different.

I am truly realizing what I could have lost (which is selfish but true) and I just feel different than before.

I cannot lie to my wife or others anymore. Not even the littlest white lies like "I took this route from work" when in reality I took another one.

Sex is not as important or present in my mind as a result of all this. In fact, all the anxiety has led to severe performance issues that have led to medical intervention at 33 years old.

In short, I think it's different for everyone. It takes realizing what you can lose, and how selfish a person you've been.

But, after going through what I have, I do truly believe that we can change.

I, for one, WILL NOT cheat again. I do not look at women anymore like that and every time I think "wow that woman is attractive" another thought follows saying "but she isn't the mother of your children. She doesn't have the smile your wife had on our wedding day. She doesn't know everything about you and accept you for who you are , not who you could be.

Thinking good thoughts for you and your family.

EDIT: forgot to mention in my rant - I am still pursuing the real, deep "why" for the infidelity.

For the first, I think it was because I needed a "kick" to get me to the next step. I came home and once I selfishly buried my guilt, I knew instantly that she was the one.

The second, I think, was because I felt unwanted and undervalued by my wide. She was sleeping CONSTANTLY, I was doing all washing, cooking, cleaning, laundry, watching our two kids, PLUS working full time. One night I just snapped. I went to a strip club meaning to enjoy myself, but never intended for what happened to happen. It just did. I was drunk and stupid and selfish, but i am still digging to find the real "why".

But like I said, I think it's different for all.

I hope this helps. I know you're hurting, even if it's a different hurt than mine, and I am sorry for what you're going through.

Hugs and hope to you.

[This message edited by RegretfulHusband at 9:48 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]