SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Glad to see you posting again, honey. ((((iamsoblind))))

You all are making me cry. Thank you so much for your support and for listening. I really do feel like I don't have a sole in the world I can confide in. I am trying to stay strong, to not let my kids see me break. You all have truly been my life vest. Still working through my check list. WH seems to have come out of fog but now seems angry and entitled. I liked it much better not having to deal with him at all.

Try to focus on the kids and what they need to help you through. I would limit contact with WH and only discuss the kids. Keep doing the 180. Has he received the separation docs yet?

I had him meet me at the courthouse and we filed together. Our town is not very big. I called him when I was on the way to the courthouse with papers all filled out (found what I needed on the internet). When he arrived there was no wait. We signed in front of a notary but I never looked at him and ran our before the ink dried. Status meeting is set for next month.

[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 11:05 PM, January 17th (Friday)]

I really do feel like I don't have a sole in the world I can confide in.

Sweetie? You have 42,000 friends you can confide in. And we have all been where you are. Lean on us. We've got you.

You have a triple betrayal. Your WH, your BF and his financial infidelity. Triple whammy.

It sounds like you've gotten the "business side" of this taken care of, for now. So now that you've taken those steps, your mind is racing even more. The thoughts are coming and you have no one to confide in.

The night time was the hardest for me. When the kids were in bed and the house was quiet. That was when I felt alone and the questions took over my thoughts.

Come here and post. Vent, ask questions, ramble, whatever you need. We are here for you. We have all been in your shoes and walked through the fire. Lots of opinions here. Focus on the ones that help you.

I only came to this forum this morning to check on you. I am so very relieved to see you back again!!!!!

I know you are hurting so very badly!!!! There are so many people here who remember acutely how severe the trauma is, especially at the beginning. That's why we want to help you in anyway possible.

Good for you for getting the separation papers taken care of!!! What a difficult step, but so important for you. You are showing admirable strength, despite how badly you are hurting. That's how I know you are going to be okay!!!!

Can you find a fun activity to do with your kids today??? Try to find a little bit of happiness in spending time with them. They both need it and so do you. I believe that is where the healing will start.

Keep posting!!! We care about you!!!!

Maybe I am still in the hospital and I am on a coma and this is really not happening.

Oh, this brought my feelings about d-day instantly back. I kept feeling that everything was so surreal. This couldn't be happening. Ugh! It is such a terrible feeling. (((iamsoblind42)))

I'm trying to understand this.

So you were out drinking, then came home to play poker. You had a child spending the night and your kids were home.

How did your friends think it was "okay" to have sex in your home? I couldn't fathom going to a friends house and having sex in their home when we were supposed to be hanging out. Did they ask permission? Did they just start dry humping and you left the room? I'm just trying to get a frame of reference.

Then you're outside with your husband, you come inside to look for the cutter after telling him do NOT go into the room your friends are having sex with, correct? How long were you looking for the cutter and checking on your sleeping kids? I'm imagining 10-15 minutes tops. You go back outside, he's not there, so you go to the sex room and he's in there.

So in a 10-15 minute span (assumption on time) he enters the room (with what intention?) and your friends husband "convinces" him to give oral sex on his wife...that HE just had sex with? Your husband didn't mind that some other mans junk had just been in there? How did the friends husband "convince" both of them in such a short amount of time, especially knowing that you were home??

When her husband saw you did he say anything? How long did they continue for before they came to find you? Suddenly they were remorseful as soon as the sex act ended, after the friends husband told them you saw them? AND they also say they wish you'd been involved?

I'm not trying to doubt, just trying to wrap my head around the impossible.

I'm glad you took steps to protect yourself and your children! Very wise.

[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 10:34 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]

A thought just struck me as I read through part of your thread again...

(I feel your pain and also that of your kids -- my oldest 2 found out about my WH's A 6 months before me. DD confronted him and he didn't stop. They are still traumatized. I am still trying to figure out how to best help them.)

You stated a while back that your WH was going to "tell" your son. I really hope that you are following up on this. In my experience, a WS after Dday (fog or no fog) can still be a blame-shifting justifying monster. You need to be sure your kids aren't told that this was somehow your fault or "because" of your recent illness and sexual drought. You don't want them internalizing those justifications as reasons it is "okay" to behave this way. My WH brought some of these bad FOO mindsets into our M and I didn't realize it. ie: cheating is okay "if" or "when". This is NOT your fault. DO NOT let anyone, especially your kids, think you are at fault in any way. Please.

hugs to you (((((iasb42)))))

I'm trying to understand this.

So you were out drinking, then came home to play poker. You had a child spending the night and your kids were home.

How did your friends think it was "okay" to have sex in your home? I couldn't fathom going to a friends house and having sex in their home when we were supposed to be hanging out. Did they ask permission? Did they just start dry humping and you left the room? I'm just trying to get a frame of reference.

First of all, feel attacked having to answer this but know it's not going to be the first time so is probably best to address first on this forum.

No, we were not out drinking... we went to dinner at Old Chicago's. Came back to our house after to play pinochle not poker as we have done on many weekends over the years. Opened a bottle of really nice wine and then a 2nd. When my WH finally left the house and I came out of my cave, I went to our basement where I also found an empty bottle of tequila. I did not drink the tequila and did not know they were. In all the years I have known them they have openly drank in front of me. Why they were drinking tequila behind my back I do not know. Did they need liquid courage for what they were about to do? All three of them seemed pretty hammered after the 2nd bottle of wine so I did not open anymore. I know my WH is a alcoholic so assumed he probably had had drinks earlier and he had 2 beers at dinner. My "friends' also had a couple beers at dinner.

I would never have sex in a friend's house. We have even gone on vacation with these people over the years and we did not even have sex then. I did not give them permission but when they slipped off to the other room I knew what that had slipped off for and I did not stop them. Her H had been out of town all week and talking about how horny he was. This was not shocking to me either. I have known these people for a REALLY long time and her H has always been a horn dog and talks about sex a lot.

Then you're outside with your husband, you come inside to look for the cutter after telling him do NOT go into the room your friends are having sex with, correct? How long were you looking for the cutter and checking on your sleeping kids? I'm imagining 10-15 minutes tops. You go back outside, he's not there, so you go to the sex room and he's in there.

Yes, it was probably 15 minutes or so. I also started cleaning up a bit, put a few dishes in the dishwasher but no more than 20 minutes.

So in a 10-15 minute span (assumption on time) he enters the room (with what intention?) and your friends husband "convinces" him to give oral sex on his wife...that HE just had sex with? Your husband didn't mind that some other mans junk had just been in there? How did the friends husband "convince" both of them in such a short amount of time, especially knowing that you were home??

Part of me wishes I knew how it all came to that. The other part doesn't care. Do I really want to know? Did her H really convince him? Did my WH go in there knowing very well what would happen? How he could have oral sex with her at all regardless of whether she just had sex with her H is sick. Had they been planning this? If so, for how long? Had it happened before? My WH and her WH had been hanging out way more over the last few weekends leading up to this night. My WH would go to their house and they spent hours making mason jars filled with an apple pie liquor to give friends at Christmas. They continued to make it after the holidays which obviously now is highly suspicious. Why did they need more after the holidays if that was the whole point?

When her husband saw you did he say anything? How long did they continue for before they came to find you? Suddenly they were remorseful as soon as the sex act ended, after the friends husband told them you saw them? AND they also say they wish you'd been involved?

No, her H did not say anything. Honestly I have no idea how long it was before they came and found me. I think maybe 1/2 hour but it could have been longer. I had gone to bed and pulled the covers over my head and was sobbing uncontrollably. I was in complete shock. I am not sure if you can go into an emotional, physical shock but it was simply to unreal to imagine what I had just seen.

When they did find me, my XBF was crying and saying how sorry she was, how much she loved me and could not believe how she had just done that and how she does not deserve my friendship, how it was her H's (can I just refer to him now AssH?) idea. AssH then chimed in how it had always been a fantasy of his to see his W with OM, how he had wished I was there too (vomit). How my WH did not have sex with her as he would never allow OM penis in his W. With this I told him to get the F out of my house. Craziness on my part was telling my XBF to call me the next day as I was really going to need her help me through this. By next morning, had no desire to talk to her. Her assH sent me a text begging me to call my XBF because she was a wreck. Really, she's a wreck?!!! She sent me a single text Sunday "I'm Sorry". I replied to this one "Sorry, that my family has been torn apart and my S just had to watch his Father drive away or sorry for having oral sex with my H?" I received simply, "For everything".

I'm not trying to doubt, just trying to wrap my head around the impossible.

I know it sounds impossible. Believe me I am living it. I guess I am sadly only going to be able to tell people later part of the story as it is so horrible it is truly unbelievable. If someone else was telling me the story I would have my doubts too. I am a brutally honest person which is a blessing and a curse so don't know how I will handle it yet which is another reason I don't really tell anyone what is going on.

So SamanthaBaker, my question for you now is have I answered all your doubts? Being only 8 days in, I need all the support I can get, not doubts.

Maybe my IC is right and I should really limit my time on this forum.

My WH just picked up my kids for the day. I really wanted to get on here and get some support for how to deal with that, not have to answer questions and doubt.

Sorry if I am coming across bitchy but I guess that is my emotion for today.

[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 4:03 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

I understand how you would feel like you are being doubted, iamsoblind. Even though "we" have heard "worse" or even more outrageous stories here on SI, your story is very shocking, as you said, very Jerry Springerish. My story is unique its own way, but not quite so Jerry Springerish or Penthouse Forum(ish) as yours.

Did the children want to go? Have you spoken to your son and told him the truth yet? They aren't spending the night, just for the rest of today?

I am so sorry, that must be hard. Do you have someone you can talk to IRL? Rent a movie, maybe, and watch? Has there been some kind of series you wanted to start watching? Get Netflix and start a marathon. I can suggest Supernatural , of course, it may not be your genre, but it will certainly get your mind off of real life.

Post what you are feeling right now? Are you still in shock? I was in shock for months, so I would imagine you are. As I said, my life seemed very surreal and I don't really remember that summer much at all. I do remember getting very, very drunk a couple of times. Something I haven't done in a long, long, long time.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:30 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

IASB, on a message board, as you know, it is hard to convey *tone* and it is also hard to provide every, single detail that will allow others to *make sense* of your story.

When I was still dealing with my (now)stbx, I wrote in a post that I had "painted him a very vivid picture of what his actions had done to me and the kids." Now *I* knew that what had happened was that I had used extremely descriptive terms to describe my feelings to my (now)stbx.....but one of my responders took my words literally and told me that I was seriously *mental* (paraphrasing, here) if I was sitting around painting graphic pictures.

All of our stories are complicated and filled with subtle nuances. The story gets drib-drabbed out, or told out of sequence, or an important detail may not be discussed because the original poster is focused on another aspect.

My point is that we all ask questions in an effort to *understand*......I don't think that anyone is doubting you at all. I am glad that SamanthaBaker asked for clarification and I am glad that you provided it -- your additional information helped *me* to make better sense of how that night unfolded.

.......You have a very firm grip on this. I know it's not easy, but at the end of the day, taking firm and decisive action will serve you well.

And you are SO right, not having to deal with a WH at all is WAY better than having to deal with one who is angry and entitled.

Stay NC as much as you possibly can.....

((soblind))

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I want you to know that I'm sure Samantha wasn't doubting any of it happened or that you were being untruthful in anyway.

I've read some real horror stories on SI some in my opinion way worse than yours. Your story stands out in that you seem so articulate, smart, kind, and normal but your DD really is something out of Jerry Springer. What your WH and Friends did to you in your own house was horrible shocking and wrong. Nobody would doubt or blame you for any of it. You do not need to answer questions that cause you pain, frustration, or you don't feel are asked in your best interest. This forum is here to help you.

Iamsoblind, the only part that didn't make sense was why if your wh knew what they were doing in there, why did he go in? Thank you for clarifying further for us here on SI although know that you do not owe us anything. It will help us though to hopefully be abl to help you better. From what I read, I do not believe this was even close to the 1st time they have done this. The apple stuff sounds like just a rouse. I'm sure they made some but then participated in other actions. I'f your " friends" had never done any sort of sex before at your home or when you and your wh were present then I'm guessing that the fact your wh was participating with them enboldened them. I just want to say I am so sorry for all you are going through. You seem so very strong even though I imagine you feel you are holding on by a thread. Keep posting, venting, whatever you need to do.

Hey iamsb42. Checking in from a plane in the middle of no where to let u know thinking about u and pulling for u.

From what I read, I do not believe this was even close to the 1st time they have done this. The apple stuff sounds like just a rouse.

I don't like to make assumptions, but now that you explained further, iamsoblind42, that you were only gone for 20 mins. max, I feel it is safe to speculate that this wasn't the first time the three of them have done this.

Not that really even matters, because once is too much!

Just got off a long phone call with an SI user that reached out to me. Was really helpful to have someone to talk to that was not judgmental and had faced similar issues.

I am thankful for this forum and will try not to get so defensive when people ask questions. I realize the more you know, the more you can help.

My kids have gone with my WH to buy furniture for the house he will be moving to. He asked them to go. S did not want to but wanted to go to be their for my D who did want to go. She wants to see my WH whenever she gets the chance as she is really struggling with "when is Daddy coming home". I asked WH not to take them as I do not feel it is healthy for them. Asked him to ask his IC what he/she thought. 99% sure he is not seeing one so needless to say he took them.

I can't control what he does but want to protect my kids. I guess I could have said no but really trying to stay amicable for the kids sake right now as much as I possibly can.

[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 6:16 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

SI people are awesome. So glad you were able to talk to someone.

Yes, I am sure you would just as soon kick your WS in the balls, but for the kids sake it is best to not do that and try to make it easier fo the children. You are a good person, iam, and you really don't deserve this shit.

Honey, several years ago I heard about a plan that seems eerily similar to how your dday seems to have gone. Based on that, here's what I think was going on.

The AssH wanted to see his wife with another man. She and he chose your WH to be the one . Why? He's a known quantity, not some stranger off CL, and thus "safe". Your WH agreed. The night in question was chosen by the three of them. They probably needed some liquid courage beforehand, ergo the tequila. The AssH played super-horny that evening, to " explain" why your ex-BF and he had to go at it in your place rather than wait to do it in their own home. Your WH staged going outside with a cigar but no cutter, to create an excuse for him to go into the room where the sex was happening. Maybe the three of them hoped you 'd go in and join the fun too, but when you told your WH not to go in and left to find him another cutter , he figured you wouldn't play along , so went in by himself while you were gone.

I have no idea why your WH and your ex-BF were acting distraught when they all came up to you after the deed was done . Plausible deniability, maybe. As much of an ass as the AssH is, he was the only one being honest I think.