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Take matters into your own hands with correspondence with WH. Is there any way you can call him or set up a meeting to discuss what's going on with the kids and other things? I think you were trying a 180 and to have as little contact with him as possible, but doesn't sound like you are getting help with the kids so maybe start kicking him out of his fog and tell him to wake up?

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 9:36 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

The cold sore is likely recurrent herpes 1 infection from stress and is not sexually transmitted typically and is nothing to worry about. I'm a doctor. This shit spares noone!

Thank you so much Nitrobob. That gives me something to feel more hopeful about.

I am feeling really bad about completely falling apart at my surgeon's office today. I went there for a check up and when they asked me what was wrong I lost it.

I feel so bad I disrupted their workday.

I really love my surgeon. Feel like he personally saved my life last month, him and a very good ICU nurse. They are my heroes and feel really bad for bringing this to them.

Doc was also nice enough to get me the scrip for the STD testing so I would not have to have a breakdown at another doctor's office. They said I could hang out there all day if needed. Wish he could be my primary care doc.

Feeling more than ever that I have no one for support. I honestly don't even want my Dad to come now. My IC was absolutely correct in why I contacted him. And as much as it hurt, the answer was what I expected. I knew he would come up with an excuse.

I did spill my guts to personal trainer today regarding my BF and WH. He said he has a session with her Thursday and will look at changing her time but did not sound like he was willing to cut her off completely. I understand, it's business but I had to ask.

Trainer has a completely different take on my situation. He said he was actually happy for me and soon I would see it to. My marriage has not always been great and I have felt very "unloved" for years and had expressed this to him during our workouts. He had asked me many times why I stayed in the M and I always answered for my kids and because I took a vow. After my near-death experience last month my WH seemed much more attentive. All my friends told me how much he cried when he thought I was going to die and they could tell how much he loved me. I thought we had a second chance at a great M. I was committed to doing everything I could to make that happen. Started going back to church (had not gone in years), planned a date night (ironically for this past Saturday which was 1 day after DDay so obviously that never happened) and we had one of the most passionate kisses we had in a really long time Friday night. This was just a few hours before DDAY. Now I have to wonder if he was thinking about her when he was kissing me.

I guess I now do have a free ticket to a new life as no one would ever blame me for walking away. It's just very ironic timing and certainly not the way I would ever had wanted it. No one should feel this much pain.

Thank you all for responding and I really appreciate the PMs. Wish I could respond to them but not at 50 yet. Will look at upgrading account tomorrow.

I find myself constantly hitting refresh for support so if you are up late and happen to read this I'm still here hanging on.

I have followed your story. You will make it through this but hold on tight.

A few random thoughts:

1. My now ex wayward husband didn't take me seriously even when I filed for divorce. He didn't think I would go through with it. I saw real anger in the two days before the hearing and then afterwards. Now he is full of self-pity. He has become more obviously selfish since the divorce. I feel this is his true character and it is quite an eye-opener.

2. I tried everything to reconcile for 10 months. But you cannot do it alone. The WH has to be 100% committed and try as I might I couldn't make up for his half-hearted efforts

3. My now ex dropped the OW after D Day and was "good" in his words thereafter. But he wasn't prepared to tell me the whole truth and go to IC. Those were dealbreakers for me as well as the fact that he remained detached from me and our daughter. Nothing really changed.

4. I discovered so much more about other OW and online activity - the SI saying that the first discovery is the tip of the iceberg was true for me. I kept remembering odd instances from the past and as time went on I pieced together more of the story. But I'm still far from having it all.

5. Ultimately I believe my ex chose his addictive, sexually promiscuous lifestyle over me and our family. It still hurts like hell but it is getting better. If your husband has a problem with alcohol, I believe nothing will change until he addresses that.

5. I have a post-grad degree and a professional qualification. I own my own business. I was utterly blindsided. It's called a secret life for a reason. These waywards are very, very good at getting away with it. Don't beat yourself up.

You really have to keep the focus on you. Take care of yourself and your children. This is not your fault.

Jemimapd - so I take it you did not really want to get a divorce but saw no other choice? I can certainly relate.

Did your WH ever try? I still have not heard from mine since Sunday afternoon except to text me what time he would bring our D home.

Feels like he has implemented the 180.

I crave begging and groveling but as many have said it is actions not words and each day he does this I crawl a little more out of this hole and once I get to the top I'll never look back so really he's digging his own grave.

Here's hoping I get some sleep tonight and tomorrow will be a better day.

I definitely did not want a divorce. I still struggle with it. But the situation was intolerable. He simply would not tell me the truth and I saw no evidence of real change.

He talked a great talk but there was no action. He slipped back into the old detached, isolated, distant behavior and never acted to rekindle trust or intimacy. It was lonely and frustrating.

I also divorced for financial reasons, to protect my position. My situation was somewhat complicated in that respect.

He did not fight for us. It is very sad and enormously disappointing. But it is the truth of my situation and I do believe that living in the truth is the only possible way forward for me.

Sleep well!

Hi!

I just read your story, and I feel for you.

I identified with what you are feeling in so many ways.

I too was betrayed by my "friend", and it sucks to no end.

You are doing great, meaning you took steps to start your healing, moving forward. You'll find that you have strenghth you didn't know you had.

My one advice now, is to focus on YOU, when people used to tell me this in the begginning, I used to

Think, how can I focus or think of me, when all I can think about is this betrayal? How can two people that I loved so much, do this to me? To ME?, when I have done nothing but be good to these people?

Guess what? I DIDN't listen. I focused on the friend, I texted her, I begged her to tell me the truth, I cursed her out, whatever... and you know what that got me? 1 more year of lies, being in limbo, and more lies.

Avoid her at all costs, if you have to change gyms, do it, at this time, you cannot be around this skank. It will hurt her a lot more, to ignore her, for her to not know what you are thinking. Even if this was just a one night drunkan stupor, you will never trust her again.

So right now, even if your WH is not responding to your texts, I know its really hard, but he's actually giving you a gift. You have time to think, you have peace in the house for the kids.

You don't need to make any decisions right now!

.

One day at at a time, one foot in front of the other, breathe, you'll get through this.

The people here are sooo wonderful, such great advice,I've learned soo much from reading here.

I also suggest you look up this blog chumplady

((((( hugs))))

You are doing great, meaning you took steps to start your healing, moving forward. You'll find that you have strenghth you didn't know you had.

^^^^^^ I TOTALLY agree!!!! I know it's hard, but you are doing amazingly well navigating this mess so quickly after Dday.

Do you have some OTC sleep aids??? If not, please get some. You do need rest. And water. And food. And exercise. (nvm. You are working with a trainer. Keep going!)

Your WH is acting like a callous unremorseful jerk. Try not to even think about R. He is not a viable candidate at this time.

And your kids are better off not living with a toxic parental relationship. Keep showing them your love, your integrity, your strength. They will respect you for it! Hang in there!!!!

So to go back a bit...you walked in on them in your home? How did you know to go home or what brought you there at that time? Meaning if they were all 3 full all "into it" they must not have expected you to walk in on them?

Also let me tell you....this was not their first rodeo, your WS planned many of these trysts and has done it behind your back probably for many years. He now ramped it up and went for your "best friend". This shows not only a lack of any remorse for having the A, many times it shows how angry and resentful the WS is (remember not your fault) and they are in esssence punishing you by now betraying you in your own home with your best friend.

A's take many shapes and sizes, this one feels with what little information I can read here so far like a truly P/A (passive-agressive)and just over all really MEAN thing to do. He is not responding to you because in his head this is all your fault. You will hear the " you wanted no sex, you gave me no attention" crap from him....be ready.

Also I would be worried that you are the bread winner, this is by the way a point of anger with him if this is the case, but you must make sure you talk to an attorney about how this will all play out. Check all of your financial accounts and lock down credit cards.

Lots more to do but wanted to point some things out.

So to go back a bit...you walked in on them in your home? How did you know to go home or what brought you there at that time? Meaning if they were all 3 full all "into it" they must not have expected you to walk in on them?

We had gone to dinner and back to our house to play cards. BF's WH had been out of town all week and kept talking about how horny he was. 2 bottles of wine (and some tequila for my WH and her WH) and 3 hours later my BF and her WH were in my poker room behind a closed door having sex. I went outside with my WH to smoke a cigar. He said he left his cigar cutter in the room they were in. I told him not to go in there because they were knocking boots and that I knew where another cigar cutter was. I told him I was going to go check on our kids to make sure they were asleep and were not going to walk in on "my friends". The room they were in does not lock.

Thankfully my kids were sound asleep. Took me awhile to find the cigar cutter but finally did and went back down to find my WH but he was not outside where I left him.

I opened the door to the poker room, lights were off but enough light spilled in from the open door to see exactly what was happening. Her WH stared at me and I turned around and quickly ran out. MY BF and WH did not see me as they were too into their acts.

I have no idea how long they continued. I had crawled into bed with the blankets over my head not believing what I had just seen.

When they finally did come find me my WH and BF were crying and saying how sorry they were, how it was the alcohol and her WH's persuasion. Her WH just kept trying to tell me there was no intercourse, how he would never let another man put his penis in his W. How he had wanted this to happen for a long time and always fantasied about his W and another man. SICK! SICK! SICK! SICK! SICK!!! Her WH also said he wished I had joined, OMG I think I am going to vomit.

I told her WH to get the F out of my house but at this time I was clinging to my BF crying hysterically. Why I did not want to punch her in the face right away I do not know. I do want to punch her now.

After they left I got in a screaming match with my WH. I knew it could not have been the first time. He has admitted to 2 other ONS 7 years ago but I agree now from all of you that that is TT.

Have not heard from my WH since I asked him to leave our house Sunday. He has come by both days to see our kids but has asked them to meet him outside the house.

So right now, even if your WH is not responding to your texts, I know its really hard, but he's actually giving you a gift. You have time to think, you have peace in the house for the kids.

At first I was so hurt WH did not respond to my text asking him to get IC, STD tested etc. but I now agree his not contacting me is a gift. It really does give me time to process. Bad news for him is it is giving me the clarity to move much closer to D than R.

So far have not cried today and I actually slept a solid 6 hours last night. That is serious progress.

Again thank you all for your responses and support. Will continue to hit refresh all day so please keep responses coming. IC did not have an opening for me today so don't have any other outlet. I am seeing IC again tomorrow.

[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 10:49 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

OK, have to post something else so my number of replies in not 69.

May I suggest doing some research on how to help kids cope with Divorce. Even if you don't D, there will be some helpful information for you. Focus on your kids right now. I agree with yearsofpain25, to contact your WH directly about matters with the kids. Don't, don't, don't pass information through your son. It is important for him to still be a kid right now.

Telling the children about the demise of our M was the hardest part for me. It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about even after so long. I know they say kids are resilient, and they are, but as you have read from yearsofpain's story, there are things that are going on in their head that we have no idea about. Encourage your daughter to express her feelings about daddy being gone. I know that you want her to stop asking, but if she keeps talking about it, you will be better able to know what thoughts she is having, so you can help her.

It really angers me that he hasn't even contacted you to check on the children. What a coward. Even if he doesn't want to talk to you, he should be asking to talk to them, to reassure them that he is still there for them. My fear is that down the road they could have abandonment issues because of his inattentiveness.

[This message edited by brohl5 at 11:45 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

He is talking to them via phone and text. They both have their own cell phones. He has seen my D both Monday and Tuesday. Monday, took her for ice cream and yesterday took her to basketball practice. I think my S has seen him as well. My S has his own car and my WH office is close so I think he has been going there for lunch but he has not told me so.

I really thought my 16 year old would be the one to be angry with me but he seems so concerned for my well-being and just does not want to talk about it at all. My 11-year-old is beside herself with pain. I was so close to her before this and now she does not even look me in the eye and can't wait till she sees WH. I am sure she is blaming me for making him move out. When will that stop? When will she want to be Mommy's little girl again?

I have a very sticky situation next weekend. We all had a trip played to Disney World. WH has a business conference. As owner of the business I was going to go as well but just for part of it and then play with the kids at the park. We have 1 hotel room.

I emailed WH today and told him I would look for another room for him or he could bunk with a co-worker and just tell the guy the gave us the wrong room and it is too small for the 4 of us. We will all be on the same flight there but kids and I are on a separate flight home.

My S and I do not really want to go but my D has been looking forward to it for so long and I do not want to punish her. Any advice on this front?

Also, got an email from Sister In Law today about surprise bday party for my nephew. We are not very close but I feel like she needs to know. I want her to know how much I love my niece and nephew. I don't want to lose them over this. Should I tell her or wait for my WH to do it? He is such a chicken s$%^ I just don't think he will ever tell his family the truth. It will be "we are having problems" and then of course they will assume it is me because WH is a really good at lying!

You don't need to keep his secrets. Tell whoever you wish. Affairs thrive in the dark.

If you can't cancel your trip (I understand not wanting to penalize DD), the way you're proposing to go ahead with it sounds reasonable. Just keep up the 180 on him in close quarters.

So sorry you're having to deal with his shit.

As far as telling your sis in law, I would wait and make some excuse why you are unable to attend the party. I know if stinks, but your life needs to be on hold right now. In the scheme of things, there will be other parties. Focus on yourself and your kids right now. Also, they say to be careful how many people you tell right away so I would keep family out of it, if you can.

I think you feel so incredibly alone right now because you have no one to turn to. You can't contact your BF because she is the OW. Is there someone else you feel close to that you can confide in? Feeling as though you have no one to talk to IRL is so painful and lonely.

I am really not sure how to advise about the trip. It isn't fair to your D to miss out on it, but unless you are able to be 100% civil to him in front of the kids, it can be a really bad experience for everyone, especially the kids. Maybe someone else will have words of wisdom.

Personally, I disagree with telling whoever you wish, unless you are filing for D. If you are hoping for R, broadcasting it might come back to bite you in the hind end.

I just pulled his credit report and think I am going to be sick again.

He has opened 2 new credit cards in the last 2 years and has rung up over 20 K worth of debt.

After he gives me part of his check every month (I manage the bills) do to financial infidelity 7 years ago. I guess I can go ahead and throw in full on A at that time too although just found out about that on Friday as well, he has $647 left each month. With over $20k in credit card debt he will never pay that off. He is barely able to cover the minimums. I did not think he had any debt so $647 was more than enough to buy whatever he wanted or put into savings.

We almost got D over this 7 years ago. Swore to me it was not other women, just stupidity. I loaded software on his computer to track every keystroke and after 6 months was convinced it was just stupidity and we R. Called off D 1 hour before it was going to be finalized.

I have 0 debt, pay my credit cards off every month. If I can't afford it, I don't buy it.

Feel like I just got punched in the stomach again. If you have ever gone through Financial Infidelity it feels very much the same as a full on A. All the lying and deceit is unreal.

I am so so sorry. It sounds to me like you need to get yourself to an attorney to protect yourself financially asap. I don't know if you will be partially responsible for this debt, should you decide to D. Hopefully not, but you really need to find out what your options are and how to protect yourself.

I'm sorry, but I honestly feel the more you dig, the more you are going to find. Both financially and A related.

I don't know what state you live in and whether it is a no fault, but in my state, the divorcing spouse is 1/2 responsible for the marital debt..With that said, if the 2 new credit cards are in your WH'S name the creditors probably won't come after you..

Filing for D may protect your interest in the house and other assets and prevent them from being used as collateral to pay off your WH's debt..

In my case I am still getting my ducks in a row..I am trying to do what I can to be in a situation that prevents me from being exposed to having to pay alimony and give up part of my pension..If D results in my WH( WH has no pension/savings/own medical insurance) leeching off of me financially, I won't be able to support myself..I am already almost 60 and I don't want a divorce to force me out of my retirement..

So, if or when you D, think about D from all angles taking your future retirement into account..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:31 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

You had mentioned his financial problems in your earlier email so I was afraid of this when I posted to you.

It is CRITICAL that you file for separation right now so that no more debt is loaded up by him. He is out of control at this point. I know this has all hit you right up side the head but you need to get tough and get smart and get proactiv very quick, like right now. It is painful and makes you sick but you need to use those business smarts that got you to where you are and get the ball rolling. Stop the bleeding.

So sorry. :(