we have spent the last several days talking.
about two years ago my wife and i hit a really bad spot, the one i alluded to earlier. it couldnt have been much worse in our marriage than it was then.
my mother in law got diagnosed with terminal cancer and my wife found out her mom would die. she had to care for her in the hospital.her mom would routinely tell her such gems as "you dont deserve a daughter and god is going to kill your daughter to take her away from you".
my father in law went into the hospital (many serious illnesses). she had to care for him in the hospital.
meanwhile my wife was working 18 hours a day trying to keep the family business up and running.
my wifes brother has always been a basket case but this sent him into a talespin - a DUI, several incidents of getting so drunk that he passed out on street and wound up in the hospital, serious injuries caused by being so drunk he would fall over and get hurt, etc. my wife had to take care of him.
then at the same time my wife and i hit our problems.
my wife got insomnia, often went days without sleeping at all or more than a half hour or so. i didnt know this at the time.
she then started secretly drinking some kind of martini like drink - put it in sippie cups and more or less drank it all day. drank about a liter a week so never really drunk BUT constantly buzzed. i didnt know this.
she also got suicidal and began to consider suicide on a daily basis.
an additional fact that it is important to realize - growing up my wife was in a deeply abusive home. sexually, physically, and verbally. others were often allowed in the home for extended periods and they were also abusive. use of heroin was open and common.
an example - at 6 yrs old my wife had to share her bed with a female who masturbated everynight, in bed, and in front her of her with zero interest that a child was there AND my wifes parents knew and didnt care.
i wont share more ... they are her details ... but there is NO level of abuse that did not occur.
none of which is meant to excuse anything. it is just details to help provide context.
every affair (whether over sending pics, sexual emails, physical, and even the extended physical affair)my wife had, she initiated it.
her 1st anything was a one night stand in late 2011, the date collates with one of our worst fights. the guy was a friend of a friend and they all went out in a group. he and her hung out after. she pursued him. she started it. they had sex in our car 
every few months afterwards she would pick some guy out (apparently almost at random), send him flirty emails, get him interested in her, send him nude pics, engage in extremely lurid fantasy sex via email or chat (but never cam). she did this with 7 guys over a 2 year period. with one of them they were trying to arrange a 3-some with another woman. the emails would go on for a week or two and then she would stop. wait a month or two, and then do it again with a different person. a few of them she came back to a few times over the course of the 2 year period. one of them in particular she came back to multiple times over the same time period.
her long term physical affair started in summer 2012 and ended in april/may 2013. sex 4-6 times, other stuff 10-15 times. she ended before i knew.
one of the guys she was messaging and sending pics to was a tattoo artist. she sent emails and pics between the first and second work. they went to get a drink at his house, she initiated sex. they had sex one time.
the guy she was with long term - even while with him she continued the sexual emails with other people. she had sex with the tattoo artist while having her long term affair.
my wife deleted pics and hid things on a near daily basis. there is no evidence of any of these affairs in her iphone, icloud, dropbox, etc. she confessed them when there was no real way i could ever had known.
my wife kept these affairs secret from each other, meaning that none of them knew that there were other people or that she had done things with others.
april/may my wife says she actually faced what she was doing to herself. she stopped drinking. she cut off her long term affair. told everyone involved that this aspect of her life was over, never to be repeated. however, she did not remove them from her life and several of them continued trying to re-establish a sexual relationship with her. one thing i did notice about my wife. in one mesesage in particular. she told a guy she had been involved with (pics and sexual emails but no sex) it was "over" and that she wanted to work on her marriage and that what she had done was wrong (told him this in june). he said great. then he started talking about his cat and how when he woke up it had attacked his penis through the covers. my wife "lol". then he went into how he hoped he was an exception. my wife said no. he said it would break his heart if he never received a blowjob from my wife. she ignored it. he brought it up a few times. she told him that she was committed to her marriage. but she never told him to stop or stopped it. so in one way i feel that she wants to stop these kinds of relationships but that she doesnt really know how. this is very scary for me.
she tells me now that looking back she wanted me to know. she wanted to me tell her that she was worthless, a whore, trash - and that she wanted me to take our daughter and leave her. in effect she was trying to completely destroy her life in each and every aspect possible.
in june and july my wife and i discussed reconcilliation. she kept the full extent of the truth from me because she was afraid i couldnt forgive her and because she had locked many of these things into her head and could pretend it had never happened.
since approximately june my wife has not gone out of the house except to work, grocery store, and similar type things where it would be impossible for her to have had secretly continued these affairs or had new ones.
this reconciliation was a false one because it was based upon lies. it failed when it ran into the difficulties of my wife having an abortion (which i am positive that i was the father for multiple reasons). after our failed false reconciliation we never reached the level of problems we had before.
my wife says she is committed to 100% honesty and transparency. we have provided all passwords, account information, access to her phone, etc. she accepts that if another account is found then i file for divorce. this is permanent. she also understands that hiding the nature or extent of a friendship (even a new one) is not transparent or honest and is also grounds for divorce.
my wife says she is committed to proper boundaries. we have together outlined these boundaries. she understands and accepts that even mild flirting is no longer acceptable. she understands that violating these boundaries will result in me filing for divorce. this is permanent.
my wife is showing genuine remorse. not sorry for herself but finally understanding how much damage she has caused, how much she hurt everyone else, how much she hurt herself, and that she was completely responsible for her decisions and her choices and that they were unacceptable ones.
my wife is willing to do whatever it takes for me to feel safe. she accepts that this damage is so extensive and so horrific that it could take a long time. she is willing to provide any details of anything that i desire about her affairs, etc.
my wife has agreed to individual counseling and marriage counseling. further she has agreed that individual counseling is not exempt from transparency and that i have a right to know any details. she also understands that the "why" she would do this is important.
she has agreed to no contact with any of these people. further, she has agreed to no contact with anyone associated with these people. that includes places.
she has agreed that her life is full of toxic people and is now going through her life blocking, deleting, and otherwise severing contact with all of them.
my wife says she is committed to our reconciliation, our marriage, and our family.
it is going to be EXTREMELY difficult to forgive my wife. it will be incredibly hard to regain trust in her. it will be a very slow process of painful discoveries and emotional setbacks.
however, i am willing to accept my wifes claims that she is committed to our reconciliation & marriage, that she will be 100% honest and transparent, that she will live within the boundaries, that her remorse is genuine, that she will not break the no contacts, that she will not re-open an affair or start a new one, etc. i am willing to trust (but verify) that she is sincere and on this basis i am willing to commit to our reconciliation and our marriage.
i do need serious help with the issue of her friends. she has 3 close same sex friends. we are removing two of them definitely. none know the full extent of what my wife was doing.
two knew about the affair, they condoned it, one even gave a wishy washy answer in support of it when asked by my wife. they are not friends of our marriage and are of low moral character.
one "probably" knew about the affair but never asked nor was told. she tried multiple times during this period to get my wife out of the situations she was getting into (to stop going to the club, stop drinking during the day, talking her out of suicide, telling her that she couldnt continue life like this, etc). so on one level i see how this friend was a positive. however, this friend has also been fed a very steady stream of blame shifting, anger, justifications, etc from my wife for years. naturally this friend has an extremely negative view of me. thus, i cant consider her a "friend of the marriage".
i want to remove toxic people from our lives and so does my wife. my wife removed many on her own. now we are down to this one last friend. i do not know if the possible harm of keeping someone with so many bad feelings about me close is outweighed by the possible good of someone who genuinely does want the best for my wife.
what advice do you all have regarding this friend?
[This message edited by william at 8:03 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]
