SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

AH - my opinion on this topic has evolved over time, between DDay and present. Immediately following DDay and for quite some time after, I accepted full ownership of any and all fallout from my A. And the fallout was widespread - FAP's BW outed the A instantly and broadly. We live in a small town and as my BH was out of town at the time, many people contacted him with support/condolences/information before I had a chance to even talk to him at all. He was humiliated and grief stricken and horrified, but he had no say in who was told, because the news was all over town by the time he got home 3 days later. I took responsibility for everything - my husband's emotional trauma, the trauma to AP's children (they told their kids all the gory details), the trauma to my friends and family, you name it, it was my fault and I was bitterly dissapointed in myself and my horrible choices. I endured (and still do to a lesser extent) harassment from AP's BS. But the very public outing was probably the worst, in addition to the lies she passed along to my BH, from her WH (he was trying to cover up multiple A's over many years by dumping all his sketchy behavior on me).

I found SI a few months later, and started learning about blame shifting, and how WS's often used this tactic. I also learned that there are many different ways A's are handled on DDay, and my situation was not that common. And I started thinking that if everyone was responsible for their own actions, then perhaps I needed to refocus on the consequences of MY actions, and let go of the responsibility for actions I did not take.

Now, I'm not saying that there is a hard and fast line and I still take full ownership of how I hurt my BH with my actions. And I have a great deal of remorse and sympathy for FAP's BW, but i do now also feel she is responsible for her actions. I now understand why she went off the rails on DDay, but I think she realized that her reaction resulted in some negative consequences for her and her family as well, as she definitely tried to hide her 2nd DDay a few months later (although the scandal was still so fresh, most people noticed that he was kicked out again, and tht she suddenly cut off two of her best friends).

I guess I just wanted to put it out there that if a "rule" applies to a WS, it should apply to a BS too. We should all own our actions and consequences.

I was the one who outted my affair to the OM's wife. I didn't know he was married, and I found out, and I found out she was pregnant. All I could think was if he was cheating with me, he could be cheating with other people, and what if he had passed an STD onto her? I told her.

She spent the next 2 or 3 years emailing me, calling me, stalking me on myspace, finding my friends and emailing all of them, she'd periodically write to my mother and tell on me. When I kicked my XH out, she tried to start up something with him. She'd post stuff about me all over her myspace page (this was awhile ago). She offered to try to help my ex take the kids from me. She would make up fake email addresses, pretending to be her husband and try to get me to talk to her. This started in 2008...two years ago was the last time I heard anything from her.

I understood why she was doing this, I'd been there. I understood it was easier to be mad at me than at him. Did she take it too far? Maybe. But, I'd helped destroy her marriage, maybe permanently. She tried to destroy my reputation. And, when I knew she had contacted certain people (like my mother) I did say "Yes, I cheated with her husband. I didn't know he was her husband. I'm sorry, I am ashamed, I don't talk to him anymore." And that was the last of it. At the time, it seemed like a horrible thing, like she was taking it way too far. But, in the grand scheme of things, it was embarrassment. I admitted my bad decisions, and people accepted it and moved on. I showed I wasn't actually this evil, husband stealing, lying bitch, by just letting her actions go. I don't know anyone who thinks I am any of those things now. i guess what I'm saying is, that I let what she was doing go, and ended up showing I wasn't really this horrible, terrible person. If I had then gotten revenge on top of her revenge, I think people would have been far less forgiving, and more believing of the things she was saying.

[This message edited by Weatherly at 10:04 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

I would have thought you could have managed a little empathy for her.

You had a blip in your life where you had an A with her husband. You didn't care about the innocent children who were involved from the second the pair of you crossed the line. You didn't care about the fall out that was bound to happen at some point which would impact on the frail parents or the community around you all.

Now she's having her blip. She doesn't see the potentially dangerous fall out of her actions, she doesn't see the unforeseen repercussions of her actions. Much like you didn't see them when you were having an A with her husband. Although i think we can safely say you are experiencing them now.

You're allowed to create the fallout of the affair but she's not allowed to expand it?

These are the consequences resulting from your and her wh actions. It may not be acceptable for her to harrass you but neither was it acceptable for you to have an A with her husband. Everyone feels the fallout and has to tolerate the consequences of an A. Including those innocent children and the innocent bs, both of which are blameless.

If she is harrassing you, you can do something to stop it properly if you want to.

[This message edited by HormonalWoman at 5:59 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

As cliché as it sounds, for some of us BS, we're actually quite clueless that we are being cheated on. For me, the shock of finding out destroyed the very foundation of my identity. Suddenly, my husband was this other man who I no longer recognized. A stranger leading a double life, pretending to be a faithful spouse and caring father, while being unfaithful on so many levels.

I was horrified and couldn't wrap my head around this complete mess that my life had become overnight.

I stopped being "me". There was an innocence of "what our relationship could have been" that was forever lost. Sadness, devastation, anger, grief, hopelessness all at once wreaked havoc in my heart and my head. Why? How could he hurt me like this? Destroy our family? My world was being ripped apart as I desperately tried to make sense of who he really was and who she was.

For a while, focusing on her kept me sane. Who was she? Why would she choose to have an affair with a married man. I fantasized about placing a skunk in her car, lol. Instead, I outed them both on a few cheater websites but have since removed the info from the ones that have allowed me to.

Then I stopped focusing on her or him. I just wanted the pain to end. So I tried to take my life. Ironically enough, he tore down the door and saved me, but I'm broken. I can't seem be fixed. Humpty Dumpty.

However, it's not her fault. She didn't marry me. He did. Unfortunately, I don't really know where to go from here. I just wanna try to be a good mom again, somehow. I don't believe that I will ever trust anyone in a relationship again.

I hope she stops harassing you, AH. She's just incredibly hurt. Hopefully, she can find the inner strength and peace to let you be.

[This message edited by evephoebe1 at 7:03 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

We are locking this thread until/if AchillesHealed comes back to it