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I don't think the WS or the AP really has any say in establishing boundaries around who the BS can tell. This is now part of my life story and I have the right to shout my story from the rooftops if I choose to. The fact that the AP is part of that story was her choice. Not mine.

Fair enough, but in that line of thinking, you should be prepared for further fallout from the AP. Like I said, I chose to take the high road, but it would have been incredibly easy for me to retaliate and shame her own less-than-ideal behavior.

So the BS speaking the truth should be punished because the AP doesn't like facing the consequences of his/her behavior being known? Meh.

Like I said, I'm not going to say it is okay for you to be harrassed or stalked or whatever some 2+ years down the road. But for an AP to say - Yeah, I fucked your husband/wife/SO but you can't tell anyone because that wouldn't be fair! - says to me that you don't yet grasp the magnitude of pain and far-reaching impact that infidelity has on so many people.

At any rate, I didn't mean to start a big pissing contest, and I'm sorry I brought it up

I don't feel like I'm in a pissing constest. And I'm glad you brought it up because it's an opportunity for you to get a different perspective on the issue.

BS's don't corner the market on the Cray Cray after disclosure either. There are many stalker AP's out there (women and men). I've heard some doozies.

But I am just saying that people hellbent on public revenge should be very, very careful, as two can play that game.

Two can play what game? Hasn't she been hurt enough?

My guess is that the majority of what you know about her comes from her husband, who was trying his best to justify his own extremely crappy behavior while at the same time trying to convince you of his awesomeness. That doesn't leave a lot of room for glorifying the wife he was betraying. The waywards here can correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see a lot of this happening during an affair: "My husband/wife is wonderful, I just like scoring some action on the side!" My guess is the betrayed spouse is either talked down, or treated like a non-entity.

She may be far from an angel, but I don't have to know her to know that she doesn't deserve what you helped bring into her life. Because no one deserves this kind of pain.

Take anything OM told you with a grain of salt.

Reminder to all BS's...

This is the WS Forum and just because the author chose to take the stop sign icon off doesn't mean you (general term) can come in here swinging.

If this topic is triggering you, please stop from posting on it.

Thank you.

And another thing!

If BW is harassing you, I'd think your best recourse is to document everything, print out what you can and file some sort of PFA/RO (what ever they call them). I'd think that would be enough for her to quit it. And if it isn't, then you prolly have a bigger problem there.

t/j Sal1995, I admitted as much to AP that my XH was a good H and that my cheating had nothing to do with him (XH) or the marriage. AP tried the standard line of, "Something *must* be wrong with the M or you wouldn't be cheating," but it didn't fly with me.

/end t/j

As for the topic of this thread: I can see both sides here. Of course it's natural and even expected for a BS to want and possibly get revenge on a person who hurt them. That's human nature and very understandable. I don't fault the BW in Achilles' case for not being able to "take the high road."

However, it's been done to death on SI and in real life that ALL actions have consequences...as another poster pointed out, oftentimes these consequences are unseen or ignored. A person who chooses to stalk, harass, threaten, or escalate to violence is either choosing those actions with ignorance of/zero forethought to the potential reaction, or has deemed the potential reaction "worth it."

I'm not going to judge whether one's vengeful action is worth it; that's not my place. But to say that even a hurting BS isn't responsible for their actions and whatever consequences come from those is a stance I disagree with. If a WS's legitimate pain (Uncertainone, for good example, I'm sure among many others) doesn't excuse infidelity, then why would a BS's pain excuse their own resulting actions?

The appropriate course of action, in my armchair QB opinion, is for folks in situations like Achilles' to seek remedy through the legal system.

BS's don't corner the market on the Cray Cray after disclosure either. There are many stalker AP's out there (women

Raising my hand. Yes, OW stalked and fished for 8-9 years after FWH ended the affair. Ran him off the road once, sent him messages on the radio station they both listened to, had random men call me and try to get FWH's cell phone #, called me to try and befriend me. All of this before I knew that I was a BW, but FWH had ended the affair.

How far is too far. For me everything is fair game except her children. When she decided that her involvement in my life was "fair game" she accepted all those things that come with my personality and all the consequences that evolve from said personality. So how far....as far as my imagination can take me.

But to say that even a hurting BS isn't responsible for their actions and whatever consequences come from those is a stance I disagree with.

I agree with you 100%.

I just think it is foolish (and potentially dangerous) to assume that a BS will by default be better able to predict the fallout from their poor choices than those who engaged in the A to begin with. Most people are not that good at evaluating risk and if they were, there would be a lot fewer affairs.

I'd like to point out that in every instance I've seen on SI where anything other than hypotheticals are being exchanged a mod, guide, admin, or the SI Staff gremlin will pop in and reiterate that SI does not advocate or condone revenge. They may miss one or two, but for the most part it's very consistent.

ETA:

This is true, but I am sure with good reason!

[This message edited by silentscream13 at 3:18 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

But to say that even a hurting BS isn't responsible for their actions and whatever consequences come from those is a stance I disagree with

I agree. I actually asked this question in another forum, because I felt like I was going crazy for wanting to take revenge on the OW by outing her online (and ruining her life in various other ways). I just wanted to make sure I wasn't losing it!

I feel that I am 100% responsible for my actions. I also feel that doing so would cause further harm to my children and the OW's XBSO and family (who do not deserve any further pain). And we are currently trying to heal from this disaster and possibly R. No good would come of it.

I WOULD NOT feel bad for outing the OW or my WH if I had decided to go through with it (which I won't). The minute they both decided to get involved with each other they lost their chance at privacy.

I feel that taking the high road is realizing how your actions harm others. They did not think twice about how their actions would harm their SOs or my children. So, my best revenge is knowing I am a much better person than either of them. (Better....not humble lol)

Inappropriate reply.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:28 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

This is the last warning.

All the icons are completely uncalled for and insulting.

"I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to, ''cause then there''s more room for me on the low road." -Tom Haverford

[This message edited by FacePunched at 2:30 PM, January 14th, 2014 (Tuesday)]

on numerous occasions she had been physically abusive toward her husband. I had seen the evidence. I could have written a mass email to all of the parents at her kids' school, warning them that she was a violent and volatile person and that her home was not a safe atmosphere. I could have sent a similar email to her employer. I could have written to her parents and asked them why they raised such a violent psychopath for a daughter. I could have started a "husband beaters" website and outed her online.

Guess what? I was physically abusive too, apparently. Never raised a hand or foot or weapon or whatever to my WH in our entire marriage, but every bump and bruise he had from snow shoveling incidents, walking into sharp furniture corners, etc. were caused by his violent abusive wife. OW wanted to take pictures to "document" his terrible boo-boos. After D-day she did get revenge, by calling WH's doctor and telling him that WH was in danger in his home, calling his co-worker and telling him the same - right after leaving an eviscerated skunk on our doorstep. She knew it was all bullshit, deep down. But it made her feel like a hero and a saint, and like she deserved to be screwing my husband. But I'm sure none of that is true in your case. It's different, right? Your AP was totally a victim of his evil betrayed wife.

So revenge, if you want to call it that, I have no problem with a BS telling anyone and everyone they want. But children should always be protected. It's just too bad that the AP and WS couldn't have protected the children in the first place by not destroying their family.

cdnmommy...Your post have hit a spot in my heart...You seem like such a nice person and forgiving...And made me feel like CRAP...because I am the type of asshole who made you hurt and frankly I'm not trying to hurt other women! GOD!!!

Part of the reason I ended the affair was because on the other end of mine is a REALLY NICE woman...who LOVES the living crap out of that man and who would be broken if she knew.

Really feeling crappy but thank you...

Your thread is another sad but true example of the unpredictability of the fallout from infidelity.

Expanding the fallout of an affair

I think it might be called an extension of the affair. I'm sure you wish this "part" of the affair wasn't happening. I agree that the BS needs to stop what she is doing. I do feel sorry for the pain she is going through.

on numerous occasions she had been physically abusive toward her husband.

I had seen the evidence.

This may be true. If you consider how your EXAP told you, and showed you, I bet you felt sorry for him and thought she had serious issues. I'm assuming you were never receptive to her side of their story. There really is no way for you to know if he was abusive towards her or what precipitated it - not good either way.

I could have written a mass email

And that would mean outing yourself. I have never wanted to "expand" WSO/OW affair by volunteering the information. We are committed to NC and he has only told a few people because NC was in jeopardy.

But beyond that, beware.

I'm assuming you are venting and I can see how miserable the harassment is for you. I'm also assuming that you realize the BS, however wrong in her actions, is in your life because you and her WH had an affair. So everytime you consider your options, take that into consideration. I think it might help tame the meaning of revenge.

I do think you have every right to use the legal system to handle the harassment if it continues.

people hellbent on public revenge should be very, very careful, as two can play that game.

This jumped out at me because as a BSO, my mind is thinking

two people who are hellbent on playing the game of infidelity should be very, very careful of the public's scrutiny

Infidelity may begin with the choices of 2 people, then others are drawn into this betrayal. There's no way to predict their choices, good, bad, right or wrong.

I hope you, BH, BS and WS can find peace through healing.

So this thread is a pissing contest and affairs are games? I'm confused.

smez, don't let yourself feel crappy. I am 3 years into R and perspective is everything. I have had my share of anger and even revenge fantasies; I just feel fortunate that I had enough restraint to not act on these at the time. I am no more forgiving than anyone else (and it might surprise you to know that I am not there yet with either FWH or MOW) but I don't hate her or wish her any ill. I have no idea whether she ever arrived at remorse toward her BH, but if she did that is a tough road to walk.

Achilles - I won't make this a long post as I agree with almost everything the other BS's have told you so far. The devastation from an affair is horrifying to those of us who have been betrayed like that. You cannot understand what we have had to go through unless you walk a mile in our shoes. Even though it would give you a better understanding of the reality, I hope you never have to do that.

Under no circumstances is telling the other BS even close to the destruction a wayward and their AP inflict.