SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear G,

I am afraid to give it to him but I want him completely know how I feel.

Please Hold off on giving him that letter. I just read your first post, and now this one.

I understand the pain and overwhelming grief you are feeling. We all do. However if he is not fully in, and remorseful all this note will do is make him put up more walls.

He isn't remorseful, he gets frustrated, and angry with your need to discuss this, I am willing to bet my lunch that he hasn't been completely truthful with you either. He is glossing over it, and minimizing what he has done. Believe it or not, you get to decide how R goes.

You are young and capable, and while I get the need to stay due to health issues may be driving your decision making please don't settle until you KNOW what could or would happen should you need to separate or Divorce.

Please do a few things for you.

1. Go see an attorney. Find out what your rights are, and how this could play out. This gives you knowledge and power, and will give you some strength to call him out on his BS.

2. KNOW that none of us here saved our marriages because we cowtowed to what our spouses wanted, and walked on eggshells, and were the perfect spouse, no we saved our marriages because we eventually got tough and said we deserve more, and demanded it.

3. It's time to make you the focus of your life. NOT HIM. He is not putting your your needs and your health first, therefore you need to. Yes it may feel selfish, but know that when you take care of you, it makes you a better person. As far as the cancer and health issues, I would ask your Dr (oncologist)if they have a self-pay plan should that transition need to occur, most Dr's do, and work a sliding scale with the patients. Same goes for Chemo/Infusions/Treatments if done in a facility.

And yes technically you can't be denied coverage, but they may price it so high that you cannot do it on your own, if this is the case, then please ask to speak with a Social Worker through your Dr's office, or Medical Facility you are working with.

Keep reading (healing library) and keep posting. We are 4OThousand Strong of BTDT. We got your back here.

((((and strength))))

Thank you so much. And I'm not worried about the health aspect. I will get coverage for myself and figure something else. The main thing is that I need to decide if I need/want to divorce or not

I agree. Do not give him the letter.

He does not respect you at all and mostly likely won't care about what you write in the letter.

You need to stick up for yourself and not tolerate his treating you like he is.

From similar experience...I don't think giving this letter would do much good.He doesnt seem like he is truely remorseful and may possibly still be in contact with the other person. I understand he lets you see his phone, but there are always no contract disposable phones and they are a cheating man's best friend. I know this because I had access to everything! And my WH found a way around it. Erasing calls and texts take two minutes... always have access to phone records and calculate text message usage with whats on the phone.

I've become an expert spy with all this stuff so message me for any tips.

It's hard for people when they first find out to leave. Your still processing everything. Keep writing and updating this letter. It'll be good for you. Don't give it to him until you feel true remorse. When he is there, the fear of making him angry wont be there. You'll know you can say anything to him and ask him anything and he will comply. I tried to do everything to please him to save my marriage but I just wasted away in front of his eyes and he never gave a damn. It wasn't till I kicked him out and did what I learned now is the 180, did he come back crying.

It hasn't been roses since he came back. Slowly I found out more and more about who he really was. So him coming back... he's changed and been an much better and unselfish husband... but I realize the man I loved never really existed.

That is a great letter. You should be able to give it to him, but I agree with the others. I wrote and did give heartfelt letters such as this. It only brought me more disrespect and misery.

Put the letter away, put your stomping boots on and crack some eggs. Sadly, that is all some of them can understand.

Point you for the advice everyone. it is nice to get an unbiased Point of view about the situation. I am going to research this "180" everyone keeps mentioning.

Thank you**

What do you think will happen. If I give him the letter? He will just not care or it will make things worse?

From what you describe he is still unremorseful. He could still be in the fog of the relationship he had with the OW.

If that is the case he could turn it around on you. He could make you feel like you are nagging and asking for too much. At this point your still to fresh and I wouldnt want you to believe anything he says to you. Worst case scenerio he could use it against you and further continue to upset you by purposely not doing the things you ask.

As someone above stated very well:

2. KNOW that none of us here saved our marriages because we cowtowed to what our spouses wanted, and walked on eggshells, and were the perfect spouse, no we saved our marriages because we eventually got tough and said we deserve more, and demanded it.

The quicker you apply the 180 the better off you'll be. It's tough though. Get your support here.

We don't know your husband. You know your husband.

Has he changed at all when you TOLD him how you feel, how much this has hurt you? If not, then this letter won't do anything to change him either.

What that letter does do is open you up for more hurt. You are expecting a reaction from him and when that reaction doesn't come, you'll feel let down and hurt. We've all either done this or seen it a thousand times on here. The BS wants to nice the WS back into the marriage. We think if we tell them how we feel, how betrayed we are, how this has crushed us, our WS will finally see and turn it all around.

I am very sorry to tell you that doesn't happen.

Don't give him that note. Save that note for you. Write more! Write every feeling you have. But don't share them with him until he sincerely is all in your marriage.

He will see it as weakness. He will use it against you any way he can. He will probably blame you even more because he recognizes that you are a decent person. I tried and tried to nice her back. It simply made things worse. It was only when I started swinging sticks that things turned around. (Metaphorical sticks, of course). You gotta think like they do in order to have a shot here.

Thank you everyone! I am so glad I asked for advice on here first. I just read about the 180. I am pretty much doing the complete opposite right now. I am definitely not going to give him the letter!

I may not be the best example of what to do but....

My WH was never remorseful. I wrote hundreds of heartfelt letters to him. Telling him how his actions hurt me. How they hurt us and the trust. He just turned them around and said I need to get over it. He said if I trusted him then he won't do any thing wrong. But because I was always suspectin him he figured he might as well cheat bc I thought he was.

He needs to put you first. Then he will be ready for your words.

Just like we as BS's say actions speak louder than words, so do our's to our Waywards. Meaning you can write those letters, and it can be very cathtartic, but if you give it to him don't expect much in return.

I felt like it was like the kids on peanuts listening to the teacher, wah wah wah wah wah.

He would read the first line or two, and then either say F it, you are never going to get over this, or go into defense mode, neither was helpful. Not until he became truly remorseful, and started doing the work of R. Then he could use them as a reference for discussion of my concerns, pain, and triggers.

I can tell you from experience NEVER give an unremorseful WS any letters (other than a certified letter from your attorney with divorce papers). I made that same mistake and it's emotional suicide. Imagine this: he reads them then says absolutely nothing to you about it. Because that's probably what will happen. Fact is he may not even really read it but skim it briefly and toss it somewhere. All it does is drive them further away for some reason. I can tell you that's what happened to me. Not sure what was worse, putting everything I was feeling in writing and then being ignored, or just being ignored without writing it and getting straight to anger. Anger will be more productive for you. It just takes time to get there so hold back on the letters.

If he's truly remorseful letters will begin showing up to you! Believe me here. Her not responding sunk me deeper into depression, despair and actual thoughts of suicide at the time. At some point I just "gave up." You cannot nice them back with heartfelt letters. Their emotions were clear enough about you when they decided to cheat and clearer now that they are unremorseful. All you can do is be strong and move through it. Yeah it's going to hurt tons, but there isn't any other way around it. I don't know how these people become like this, especially the unremorseful ones.