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Exposed Wife's second affair (first was 6 years ago) in Sept and have been on the roller coaster ever since. She has not shown much remorse since the discovery (it seems to come and goes)and we hit a point in late Oct where we agreed D was the direction for us. A week following the D point we both agreed that we should try to work on the marriage and put D talk on hold. Since the discovery of the affair my Wife has not been transparent and keeps her cell phone locked and close at hand. I confronted her on this and her rational is that she has felt under my thumb for so long and feels she needs some freedom in our relationship. My take is that her affair is still on-going (EA at least, it was an EA/PA)and she wants to remain friends with this guy. Am I just being paranoid and should allow her the privacy? Seems like I am the one doing all of the heavy lifting with the reconciliation and she feels I need to earn her trust back for being emotionally absent (her words - she was a SAHM and my job was demanding and required frequent travel).

No, no, NO! She has had TWO As!!!! The only privacy she gets is on the toilet....without her phone.

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. A remorseful WS would WANT you to look at their phone or any other part of their life...forever, if that's what it took to earn your trust and make you feel safe!

Sorry, but she is not remorseful and is still hiding something.

(((HBA1)))

she feels I need to earn her trust back

WTF??? You did not cheat; she is not trustworthy. You "might" have been emotionally absent in the marriage but you didn't cheat on her.

Hurt, this ends when you say it ends. It seems very probable that she is still in contact with the OM. Have you told his spouse? This is paramount; she deserves to know what is going on within her own marriage and she can help shut this affair down. Do you have a home phone where the boys can get in touch with their Mother if necessary? Then shut down her damn cell phone. She'll have a hard time continuing the affair on a land line.

I would also see an attorney pronto; file that divorce. She will continue to treat you like a paycheck as long as you allow her to. I know this hurts, but you don't need to have the added hurt of her treating you so poorly.

I think your take is probably right on. This is her second affair, she's not remorseful, she's secretive, blameshifting, and vacillating emotionally. None of this looks remotely like R. I think you know what's fair and is necessary for true R, but are hoping that somehow her behaviors can be rationalized so you can move forward together. Been there, done that, and it doesn't work. I'm sorry, but she not only sounds defensive and entitled, but likely still engaged in some form of an A. Find your limits, set expectations, and decide what a violation of them means. I know it's hard, but I put myself through so much more agony by failing to take my own advice--I'd hate to see you do the same.

Lostworld, I hear you and that is the feeling I get as well - just a paycheck and security and nothing more. She shows zero initiative to ask about me and my day, does not ask how I am doing or what she can do for me, and seems only focused on me improving on the "cause" of her looking elsewhere for emotional support. We have three children (all early teens) and so want to make this work for us and them but confused on how my Wife can think it is all on me to make this work.

I'm sorry, I don't think you are being paranoid and it doesn't seem that she's earned back the trust yet, so, no she doesn't deserve privacy.

Seems like you may have to have another discussion on what it really means to each of you to "try to work on the marriage" and how you can get there (one of the conditions being total transparency).

You are not in R

Your WW was never remorseful, just averse to dealing with any consequences

Your WW has gaslighted you to the point you actually are considering those ridiculous ideas (no transparency, wanting to stay friends with OM)

Your WW is repeat betrayer. If she didn't learn the first time what makes you think she's trying to learn anything this time except how to be a better liar and deceiver?

No arguments.

No discussions.

No confrontations.

File and serve her with papers. She knows what she's done. If there is any hope of her dislodging her head from her arse it is with a dose of reality & consequences. I would not hold out much hope for that though.

Yes she can have her privacy. Which means she can close the door when she poops. But hell no she cannot have SECRETS. Big difference.

Tell her she can have all the privacy she wants... Somewhere else.