SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I took the Free Pass, and I’m not proud of it. Consider my story.

Many years ago, not long after we were first married, my WW had an affair with a coworker. After they were outed to me by his BW, my WW just wanted to rugsweep the whole thing and move on. Part of her strategy was to encourage me to have my own A, so I’d understand better, or we’d be even or whatever. After a couple of years of turmoil, I did. Bad idea.

First, not only was I busy betraying myself by staying with someone who had violated her marriage vows and my values, but I betrayed myself again by doing the same thing. Believe me, these two events don’t cancel, they add. Double trouble.

Second, my AP ended up divorced. OK, their M had lots of problems, and was probably headed that way anyway, but I was the match that lit the fuse. I will carry that one to my grave.

Third, as far as my WW was concerned, we were “even” and I had no right to ask her any more questions about her A. Unfortunately, she not been the least bit forthcoming by this point, and continued to work with her AP.

My questions about the nature of their ongoing relationship were met with, “You had your fun. It’s none of your business.” I now believe their A only lasted a few months, but the ensuing decade of uncertainty left me with a wicked case of PTSD that erupted about a year ago when two of my coworkers engaged in an obvious A.

We somehow got through all this, are still happily married, and recently celebrated our 40th anniversary. So yes, it is possible to R after both parties stray. But it reminds me of an old piece of advice given to young men by older and wiser ones. Let’s say you’re at a party with your spouse and a cute young thing starts hitting on you. Your spouse notices, and says, “Go ahead, do what you want.”

This might be a Pass, but trust me, this pass is not Free. There will be blood.

Same thing after her A. Don’t.

Here's how I see it. Quite simple.

Offering a "free pass" is something that an emotionally unhealthy and desperate person does.

And on the flip side, accepting a "free pass" is equally emotionally unhealthy.

R is about making good choices and doing the right things. Not stupid games.

Oh MoreWould, that is hard! While I was in IC, before I confessed to BH, I remember saying that I wished he had one too then we could just say, our marriage was in a bad place, we made bad choices, let's move on. I don't think I really meant it, or maybe I did, I don't know. It seems like it would've made the confession easier for me and I would've had less guilt to deal with... maybe. Obviously, I don't know for sure.

But I really can't imagine encouraging my BH to cheat after the confession. In fact, I also told my IC, that the thing that scared me most about telling him wasn't that he would divorce me, it was that he'd agree to work on it and we'd get to a decent place and then he would cheat on me for revenge. That was and is the scariest thing to me.

If your BH was to cheat, it would add a whole new dimension to the infidelity already present. You will be thinking about the woman he was with. Was she Prettier than me? Is he thinking about her now?

A revenge affair doesn't even the playing field. It totally disrupts it. There would be more guilt to deal with. Yours and his. What little trust there is will be totally obliterated. A revenge affair is like adding Jet fuel to an already blazing inferno.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 10:55 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

Your BH has the same very unique circumstance as me. You were both each other's "onlies" before your affair.

That's special. When he's in the company of other men he can't brag about his expoits and the seeds he's sown. But in his mind he rests assured that what he has is even better than that...the true fortune of finding love early and sharing sex with only one person, as you had done with him.

Now with both those gone, of course he's going to lament the fact that in order to R, he has to commit to a continued life of only having sex with one person...a person who can no longer say the same.

In your case you changed a very unique dynamic of his life that is extremely emasculating, not that all BH don't feel emasculated. This is just another layer.

To me this was the last resentment to go. And it took a while. In a way...this may sound messed up...I put "have sex with another woman" on my bucket list. I didn't put it on there on purpose and I never intend to check that one off, but it will always be there.

What helped me, that may help your BH was something my WW said to me. While I regretted the knowlege that I will never be able to complete my bucket list if I want to R, she has to go through life knowing that one of the most unique aspects of our marriage (HS sweethearts and first lovers) will be forever diminished because of HER actions.

I equate it to me being in wheelchair, which sucks for me, sure...but my wife PUT me there and has to look at me everyday. Hopefully your BH can see you didn't a good deal out of all this. Right now, that's likely what he is thinking. I know I was at the time.

Good Luck to you and BH!