SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Update: thank you so much for the continued support and kindness. Your prayers and concern are amazing. I don't have much to tell - he got home last night and we didn't talk much about it. I want to reassure everyone that we have moved beyond the crazy anger spot years ago so I am in no danger of having him flip out on me or me lose it and hit him or anything. we just don't go to the angry spot anymore. Last night he told me he loved me and he would never do that and then we spent anout an hour in bed - not talking - and although I still need to ask more questions - I didnt feel last night was a good time to ask. One thing about us that probably should make me feel better is whenever we are apart from each other we cant keep our hands off each other. So we do have alot of sexual chemistry and he said last night - "I have great sex at home - why would I pay for it?" But my conern is not that he would go to massage parlors because he is starved for attention - its that he could be a sex addict. So no matter how compatible we are - he still might want it. he had many many girlfriends before we married and one counselor told him he was a sex addict in college - but that was at BYU - all people who ever have sex before marriage would ne considered sex addicts to them. I know he is an amazing father and he loves me and IF this happened it's not about me - its about his issues and his childhood - of course that doesn't make it okay. It's hard because when I am around him I am certain he got a legit massage. But when he is not around - work or whatever - I question it like crazy. It's not really fair to ask him to constantly reassure me - but that is in the space I am right now - if it happened I would love for him to admit it and then I can move from this questioning place. But he still firmly denies it. Still going to schedule counseling. I would love to hear from men about how men lie or at what point they cave. If he has held out this long patiently reassuring me - should I question it more or less? Is emotional appeal ever effective?

Thanks for the update! I'm glad that you are ok

It's a rollercoaster for sure. I have enjoyed great sex with my WS after learning about his A, too. He has also lied to my face about details. This man loves me. I have no doubt about that. I love him, too. We have been married 27 years and he wants R very badly. For some reason, he has given me TT. Most days I want R and then other days, I am not so sure I can do it. I'm not so sure I can heal. I'm not so sure I can "get over it."

My advice to you is to BE ON YOUR GUARD. That's all. You love your husband and he loves you. Just keep an eye on him now. We are here for you! Continue to post and let us know how you are doing, even if you are doing great. I would still love to hear from you.

[This message edited by SadInNC at 6:38 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Honey, I'm so sorry you are here but, I know you got here because of the chaos that has become your life. Gently, you are playing right into the game. Sticking your head In the sand and choosing to believe his lies instead if the truth you have already taken the time to confirm.

I can't blame you. I did it for years. I truly didn't know what he was doing as I never suspected anything. I just knew something was not right. It was just easier than to believe that my H would ever do anything to hurt me. I was so wrong and I hate to see you make a choice that will only cost you more time before having to face your truth.

You saw the charges, you saw the place and, you believe him? Stop doubting yourself and call him out. Make him answer to the evidence you have. You have to start somewhere and it might as well be here. Otherwise, you are only prolonging the agony of the inevitable.

I know that I am probably doing that - I asked our last counselor over and over - did he cheat? Did he not? Is he lying? And finally he said "most women who are being cheated on just know" And I remember thinking "but I don't know - one second I am positive he is - and the next second I'm questioning again. If I lay out all the evidence then yeah - he looks damn guilty- not just of this but of having a hidden life and betraying me for several years - but I honestly don't know. And I sometimes get that feeling of - hmm something isn't right - but I always feel better within a day or too and that feeling never lasts. I know the man who is my husband and it doesn't square with the behavior I have seen. So - I am totally confused. How do you really know if your life is a lie until it all blows up in your face and the WH or WW confesses? Did any of you just know? Did you feel that way all the time or did it come and go?

I agree with outta, gently you know he did it. Please don't make the same mistake as me. I knew something was up 8 years ago but believed his lies. He was always loving towards me we had TONS of sex. Then I found out he had been seeing hookers for 9 years and before that he went to massage parlors for 6 years ( and yes they do full sex there anything a prostitute does they'll do). At a minimum you need to track him via gps and his cell phone, even better put spyware on his phone, keylogger on the computer. Check his cellphone bill, google every single number that you don't recognize. Look for a cheap burner phone.

I am glad you are OK. I am in total agreement with the others. If it walks like a duck . . .

If you haven't been checked for STD's yet, please do it soon. My motto since this happened is "trust but verify".

My husband swore on the lives of my children that he did not cheat. This man was the love of my life. The absolute LAST person in my life I thought would betray me. The best thing that ever happened to me. We were the perfect couple. Everybody wanted what we had.

He swore on the lives of his children. Addicts will sell their souls to keep their secret. If your husband is an addict --- his addiction comes FIRST. Not you. Not the kids. Not his family, his job, his reputation. His addiction. Period.

Sex addicts are like stealths. They can keep things hidden. Most were sexually abused. They learned to hide their feelings. They are literally renacting their abuse with other sexual partners. Many were emotionally abandoned by their mothers. This causes a lack of emotional intimacy. They compartmentalize their lives.

I hope you can listen to what we are all saying to you. I am four years out. Things are only a little better. He is sober, in 12-step, therapy, etc. He is remorseful. He is a better husband & father now. I just can't get past what he did to us.

Stay vigilant.

I hear you all and I appreciate it so much. Im sitting in jury duty - yuck - and reading other forums. you are all the most amazing people on the planet. your empathy and integrity is amazing and should be required reading for everyone! whoever started this website has saved lives - and kept families together - and blessed so many lives - no question. 4 years ago I was going crazy about the lies and the possible emotional affair - which I suppose could have been physical - I'll never know. I had a good long conversation with myself where I openly decided that I would ignore all the lies and move on with love for my kiddos because I felt exhausted trying to track his every movement - a cheater can hide and my husband has the resources to hide better than most - then - eventually - I figured something would happen that would make it unable to ignore anymore - he would slip up and reveal something even without me tracking him - she would call me - whatever - and when that day came my kids would be older and better able to deal. I chose to stick my head in the sand with my eyes wide open because I felt it was unfair to go hunting for information that would destroy my kids family when they were so young. I didn't even think of getting the truth with the hope of rebuilding our marriage because I felt if I found out he had a physical affair I would never be ablr to get over it and we would have to divorce. He cut off all contact with OW - I think. This was not a comfortable place to be in for about 2 years - I just "put a bandaid on it and closed the door" - to quote someone on another forum - cant remember who said it but wow - perfect description! Then I got pregnant with out 3rd baby and my son and I almost died during the delivery and the pregnancy was like hell too - so that destracted me for about a year and a half - my H and I got closer and I finally let myself fall completely in love with him and trust him again. Then - just as I am totally comfortable again I see the massage parlor crap. My first thought was - damn the day of reckoning actually came and I was hoping it would be much later when my kids are older. But now I am right back to the place of ignoring again and if you had asked me 4 years ago if I would be able to stuff this event in the closet I would have said hell no - but once you start stuffing things in the closet it becomes a hard habit to break. I'm not sure if anything other than seeing the affair happen could shake me out of this denial place I am in right now - and it really surprises me that I am stuck in this place - that is so not me. Not sure what to do about it or how to get unstuck. But - I'm eating and sleeping and way better then before - that closet door is firmly closed right now - so weird. I will set up counseling because I know the door will fly open when I least expect it. But - I still do feel that the longer I can ignore - the older my kids will get - and the happier they will be. So I've heard the advise given the last few days on tracking him and think - why would I go hunting for info that will gut me? I used to be a sleuth with him 4 years ago and it was exhausting. I know you all know I am stuck - so thank you for being patient with me.

I am also going to copy my last post and move it over to the Asian massage parlor forum. I keep getting emails showing when people reply to my posts on this forum and Id rather not have my husband see any of these yet. So if I move forums the notices will stop. I will continue to post and read everything. Thank you all - I am reading your stories like crazy and reading all the stuff in the healing library and it is really helping me understand myself better. I'd still love your feedback when I move over to the other forum but Id prefer not to get replies on this forum anymore. Love you guys! You are a God send.

Make that credit report a demand not a request. Sharing this info within a marriage is necessary in my view.

That personal account he has needs to be open to you and you should be able to access any time you like and look back on past statements. Once you have what you need it gets closed. From now on he operates from joint accounts. He gets a reasonable agreed upon amount of cash each week and no more.

Did he cheat? Someone once told me if you have to ask the question, you probably already know the answer. Like most of us you just don't understand why.

I made the mistake, over 20 years ago, of believing. Believing a husband who told me he didn't cheat when all evidence pointed to the contrary.

Here I am.

You know. You don't want to know, but you do. You will address it when you feel safe doing so--when lying to yourself is less attractive than facing the truth.

I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me. The consequences, to my soul, were ... shattering.