SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've yet to read all the responses but I have it jump in. Did you personally see her pee on the stick? If not, did you hear her peeing and see the stick? How do you know for sure she's pregnant?

Second, there are many smart people here who have dealt with long term A and after years of counseling and rules like giving all passwords to everything who are still the victims of a false reconciliation... The WW and AP took it underground ... Way underground. What makes you think you'll get a whiff?? New baby, she wants to take him or her over to daddy's place ... Why would she not have sex there with him?? With as accepting as you're being even if you got a whiff, you'd give her one more chance and if you got another whiff after that you'd give her another one more chance. SHE HAS SEEN ZERO CONSEQUENCES OF HER EXTREMELY BAD CHOICES.

If she had a respect for you she would have thought this out rather than come running out of the bathroom with "guess what I'm pregnant with another man's baby!!" It didn't sound like she hesitated an instant to think about where to go and what to pack when you throw her out! She knew damn well you wouldn't!

Finally, for your 2 kids sakes you must D! When they are older, they won't be able to look to her as she has no morals and they may think of her as a slut and call her it in angry moments. At least if D you'll still be active in their lives and they'll see you have a backbone.

When you go to the lawyer, don't take her along,

Did you personally see her pee on the stick? If not, did you hear her peeing and see the stick? How do you know for sure she's pregnant?

I saw the stick. She's pregnant. She has made some horrible choices but I'm pretty sure she's not insane.

It didn't sound like she hesitated an instant to think about where to go and what to pack when you throw her out! She knew damn well you wouldn't!

She told me about the affair before she knew she was pregnant. She wanted me to throw her out. She was expecting it. My reaction has caught her totally off guard and is the main reason she's having second thoughts. Not only did I not throw her out but I also doubled down on my involvement with the family. Please understand that I'm not trying to paint myself as some kind of hero here. Far from it. But it's clear that her view of the situation and of me has changed.

When you go to the lawyer, don't take her along.

Definitely going by myself.

Also, I'm not trying to be defensive. Merely to correct or expand the record. You raise LOTS of good points and I'm so grateful to anyone who spends some of their valuable time to post here, even if it is only to tear me a new one. I need that more than I need to hear the 'attaboy's'.

The following from another poster needs repeating -

Saying she wants to keep this baby instead of giving it up for adoption? Great – that’s not fair to anyone involved. Good for her for sticking to her script of caring about no one but herself

Regardless of how long you think, you will never be able to figure out how you'll feel in 5,10,15 years. What are you doing in realization of that??

You say you're trying to be sympathetic .... Which will be the final nail in the coffin! Read up on the 180.

Think of when your kids are teens, mad about something or other and you overhear them say to their friends, she's the slut, he's the pussy who just takes it, and the other guy is the slut's fuck buddy. Then what??

And Sophie doesn't make all the choices here though Sophie seems 100% about Sophie - you can make a choice that leaves her with her current kids only 50% of the time.

Obviously the new kid will realize that you two were married when he or she was born but they aren't a product of the marriage but rather an unwanted and unintended product of a horrible chasm that blew up their family. How much time and energy and health insurance do you have given they will eventually need a good healthy dose of therapy.

What makes your WW so selfish that she won't consider adoption?? Why have you not laid it out as a condition for R??

Finally, what happens come Christmas when your horribly selfish WW decides it "isn't fair" to the child to not have both parents on Christmas so the OM is at your Christmas table? One big happy family.

^^^^^^this^^^^^^

Strange,

You stated earlier that what you would consider a best case scenario would be for the OG to walk out of your lives completely.

But wouldn't a better outcome be if he took the newborn 100%, and your wife was out of the picture....even if she did have to pay support?

The reason I say this, in our *utopia* that we are playing out, is that Mr. Single OG can have his child, meet his potential future wife, and the new wife/mother can raise the newborn from a very young age. On the flip side, your WW will know that her child is with her father...whom she wants in the child's life, and that would let her refocus on her current family. Why not this possibility?

If you push for this, I will bet that you will get resistance...a lot of it...because that is not what she wants. In spite of your beliefs, we can see that your WW still has her interests in front of all others. That is why I mentioned earlier that you need to be following the path to divorce. You can always reconcile ANYWHERE down the road---even post divorce.

But you have to protect you and your children right now.

... selfish WW decides it "isn't fair" to the child to not have both parents on Christmas so the OM is at your Christmas table? One big happy family.

...And your funding the party...

Think long and hard about this. Please.

She told me about the affair before she knew she was pregnant.

Hmm. Just a thought, and speaking for myself only - but also as a lady who has had two children - the second time I was pregnant I just 'knew'... and I 'knew' early. The test just 'confirmed' it. Unless there was a significant gap between her telling you about the affair and her taking the test.... there's a fair chance that she already had a good idea too.

Regardless of how long you think, you will never be able to figure out how you'll feel in 5,10,15 years. What are you doing in realization of that??

Who knows? There is no certainty in life. Ten years ago I didn't consider that I might be in this position today. But I married her anyway. I like to think that I could never feel animosity towards an innocent child. I may very well feel differently about my WW next year (or next week) but that child hasn't wronged anybody.

Think of when your kids are teens, mad about something or other and you overhear them say to their friends, she's the slut, he's the pussy who just takes it, and the other guy is the slut's fuck buddy. Then what??

We'd have to smooth the truth over a bit, just as all parents do. Think about it - does every parent tell their children about all of their past mistakes and failings? Does every dad tell his son about how he cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend back in high school? Of course not. In this situation, obviously, there is clear and present proof of something fishy. If we go down this road then we will have to come up with something. Perhaps we were separated for a few months and got back together. Don't get me wrong - you raise a hugely important point. From where I'm sitting right now it doesn't seem insurmountable. Feel free to call me out on this one.

Obviously the new kid will realize that you two were married when he or she was born but they aren't a product of the marriage but rather an unwanted and unintended product of a horrible chasm that blew up their family.

See above. But also, if our family cannot heal then I/we are definitely not going to go down that road. We want the kids to see a whole (if blended) family and not the one with the huge chasm. Feel free to call me out on this one, too.

What makes your WW so selfish that she won't consider adoption?? Why have you not laid it out as a condition for R??

Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind. I don't know if it has crossed hers. Something to talk about.

I haven't made any decisions yet. Neither has she. We are both kind of in limbo right now. I'm not in a huge rush right now, either. I want to be informed about my options and even our options. While I can't live in limbo forever, we are dealing with a finite time horizon because we need to have this figured out before the birth. Today, though, I'm still in shock and grief and probably some denial.

Hmm. Just a thought, and speaking for myself only - but also as a lady who has had two children - the second time I was pregnant I just 'knew'... and I 'knew' early. The test just 'confirmed' it. Unless there was a significant gap between her telling you about the affair and her taking the test.... there's a fair chance that she already had a good idea too.

Intercepted texts and email confirm that she didn't know she was pregnant until five minutes before telling me. She suspected but truly didn't know. I'm not defending her, here, trust me. Just setting the record straight.

Hi SAF,

What a horrific situation, I am so sorry. In my mind, I think if I were in your position, the only chance for R would be if she gives the baby up for adoption. Staying in the M for "stability" sounds quite insulting to me. Don't you deserve better than that??

Other posters here have raised quite predictable scenarios. I cannot imagine trying to R with OM still in the picture, trying to R with your children growing up with OM's child in the family, etc.

One thing I learned from my own experience as a betrayed spouse is that my initial shock evolved over time and that my thoughts and feelings have changed quite drastically. My knee jerk was to try to hang onto a M that was terribly flawed, although I could not admit it at the time. I hope the attorney can help guide you, and that you can find what works best for you.

ETA: Adoption is a selfless act. At this point, your wife is thinking only of herself, IMO.

E.

[This message edited by Edith at 10:07 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

She knows her actions have serious consequences. She is facing a terrible Sophie's Choice because she will either lose 50% custody of our two boys OR 50% custody of the new baby. It's a dilemma of her own making, to be sure. She is pretty sure she wants to stay with me because that is the most stable option.

Where are you in all this saf? Where are your children?

She is facing a terrible Sophie's Choice..

she will either lose 50% custody of our two boys OR 50% custody of the new baby

She is pretty sure

she wants to stay with me because that is the most stable option (for her getting what she thinks is best for her and all her children)

Where's her compassion for you in her thoughts? Where's what's best for you and your children in her thoughts?

Her considerations seem to be (in order)

1)Her.

2)OM getting his rights.

3)What's best for their baby.

Where are you and your boys - when she's not just thinking about you all in relation to her? Anywhere? You are putting your kids first in your considerations. But it seems they are there for her almost as a by product of what she wants regarding them. Not what's best for them - just how she doesn't want to share them with you if she goes to OM. It's you getting your 50% that she's worried about! That is what is stopping her choosing OM. saf, this is one sophie who it seems is always going to be choosing herself. You deserve better.

We'd have to smooth the truth over a bit, just as all parents do. Think about it - does every parent tell their children about all of their past mistakes and failings? Does every dad tell his son about how he cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend back in high school? Of course not. In this situation, obviously, there is clear and present proof of something fishy. If we go down this road then we will have to come up with something. Perhaps we were separated for a few months and got back together. Don't get me wrong - you raise a hugely important point. From where I'm sitting right now it doesn't seem insurmountable. Feel free to call me out on this one.

First, I want to reiterate how sorry I am you find yourself in this situation. It is really a horrid situation. You're a grown man, you'll get past this, time will heal you. But the situation you guys are planning on creating is going to seriously impact your childen's mental health. This is not some "unconventional situation". And you do realize that telling your children you separated for a few months and she slept with another man is the same as telling them she cheated, right?

Your intent is to "come up with something" - which means you'll basically create a story (lie) that explains their life and why people are constantly asking them questions. Absolutely NO good is going to come from that. Trust me, my husband grew up in a house of lies and he's now in therapy, after he cheated on me, dealing with the impact of those lies.

Neighbors and other children will not believe your story. Eventually, your children will see through the story and then they will have ZERO trust in all of their parents.

Lastly, you still trust your wife when she has proven herself a first rate liar. Why? That is NOT your wife. She is gone. Any sane person would be curled up in a ball on the floor crying 24x7 with snot all over their face if they found themselves in this situation, which they created. Is that your wife? Your wife has shown you who she really is -BELIEVE HER!

I really don't mean to be harsh but I fear you aren't clearly looking at the long-term impact this will have on all of the children involved.

Your biggest enemy is your fear.

You are turning every stones to keep your wife with you. She knows this her OM knows this. because of this knowledge only they are making parenting plan to their unborn child and he claiming 50% custody of unborn child.Else in your case most of the women will get an abortion and do everything to keep their marriage and childrens home intact.

She shows signs of reconciling because she knows she is going to have her OM for rest of her life and she may leave you for him at some point of your relationship(marriage?). She is very calculated and manipulative, you?

Why she think you will be OK raising OMs child? Why she think you will be ok with sharing her with OM?

Realize one thing, your marriage is dead, you can never have that back.

Stop playing her game, take your time, take care of yourself and your children. see an attorney to find your options.

I really don't mean to be harsh

Please, be as harsh as you feel you need to be. I can take it. I'm in a terrible nightmare right now but I'm not asleep. If my son were having a nightmare I'd hug him and tell him I'm here and that everything is alright. While I could use a good hug these days what I don't need is someone telling me that everything's going to be alright if I'm heading down a destructive path.

Sometimes you have to roll the hard six. I think I know what that means.

You can say you think rationally, but you aren't. You are thinking emotionally. I get it. You've been through a big shock. Your wife had unprotected sex with someone she dated for a VERY short period of time, her boyfriend. She got pregnant and now wants you to raise that baby, doing the day to day care of it, while her boyfriend gets visitation and she still gets to see him every week. That's a super awesome deal for her! She gets her husband to support her staying home with all her children and she gets to keep a relationship with her boyfriend.

And don't mistake her regret at getting caught pregnant and her wish to stay with you as remorse. It is more regret than remorse at this early date.

So tell us, what is SHE doing to show you she is ALL IN your marriage (now that she nuked it)? Not what you are doing, or rationalizing - but what specific steps has she personally taken to assure you that your marriage is exactly where she wants to be?

We'd have to smooth the truth over a bit, just as all parents do. Think about it - does every parent tell their children about all of their past mistakes and failings? Does every dad tell his son about how he cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend back in high school? Of course not. In this situation, obviously, there is clear and present proof of something fishy. If we go down this road then we will have to come up with something. Perhaps we were separated for a few months and got back together. Don't get me wrong - you raise a hugely important point. From where I'm sitting right now it doesn't seem insurmountable. Feel free to call me out on this one.

Ok. You said to feel free to call you out on this. So, here goes.

This is a horrible plan that will not work. Please refer to my earlier post about maintaining your integrity, being authentic and having self respect modeled to your children. This is the opposite of those things. Plus, it won't work. Many people will know the truth, including the OG, and you will never be able to control all,of the variables.

You said in an earlier post that you consider yourself the king of rationalizations. Be careful with that tendency here. You're rationalizing irrationally (comparing apples and oranges - cheating on GF in high school, etc.) which is understandable in your current situation. It's still every bit as hazardous, though.

I don't normally post in JFO, but I thought I'd add a comment since it's fitting here. My mother had an affair when I was 9 and my dad was in Vietnam. She became pg and my parents did "reconcile", though it was certainly never the same. My half-sister was the same race, but of course I knew she couldn't be my dad's though my mom swore she was for many years. (Shoot, we lived with the man for several months--she couldn't exactly hide that!)

My sister heard rumors from other family members and pretty well figured it out when she was a teen. I acted out when my mom came down on me about boyfriends..."Really? YOU are going to lecture me about sex??" Both of us made really bad relationship decisions almost to defy her.

And my poor dad. He is a SAINT and kept it together for all of us, and never treated my sister differently (or her kids now), but we all knew...and honestly just felt sorry for him.

My mom was later dx'd with Borderline Personality Disorder. That explained SO much of her behavior, but it certainly didn't erase the years of hurt, lying, rug-sweeping that the entire family experienced.

My mother passed away almost 10 years ago now and my dad, then 73, married a wonderful woman who treats him like a king. He has apologized so many times for not leaving my mother and providing a "real home" for all of us. I'm just thankful that he has found happiness.

To add to the story...my sister is divorcing husband #4 and already engaged to #5...at 44. Her older kids are following in her foot-steps, unfortunately. I have spent several years in IC dealing with co-dependency issues...and married someone with a personality disorder, too.

The sins of our f/mothers...

No advice, I'm afraid. Just sharing my experiences.

This couldn't be a truer statement:

My sister heard rumors from other family members and pretty well figured it out when she was a teen. I acted out when my mom came down on me about boyfriends..."Really? YOU are going to lecture me about sex??" Both of us made really bad relationship decisions almost to defy her.

My mom was dead to me as a parent on DDay. I've gone through the rest of my life never listening to either of them. Who are they to lecture me not just about sex, but anything having to do with a relationship? Really? You read my story. Look what they did and where they are now. No way. They have been dead to me on those topics for life. How can you take someone seriously that is that much of a screw up in their own relationships? My mom, never listened to her again ever. My dad, never listed to him again on any sex or relationship issues again.

A lot of focus has been placed on how the children will interact 5, 10, or 15 years from now.

I do believe that if the children are all raised together, they will most likely love each other, have each other's back, etc. etc. They will be family and they will care about the other siblings and they won't see black, white, brown or green, they will only see their sister or their brother.

They will be family and they will care about the other siblings and they won't see black, white, brown or green, they will only see their sister or their brother.

I'm glad you said this. My WW and I are white. The OM is green. We were obviously worried about the implications.

Sorry, just trying to inject the slightest amount of humor into an otherwise awful and very serious situation.