SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I kid you not. My wxh did the REFILL thing for our entire 19 year marriage. He just kept yelling until I got him the refill.

I was young and stupid when it started. I hate myself that I did it.

My mother was an old-fashioned person: no education to speak of, no job, no experience with the big, wide world. In her world, the woman existed to serve the man.

So.....I started dating this guy my last year in university, brought him home. At dinner time one night, guy dropped his fork. My mother immediately gave me THAT look and said accusingly, "Lynnm, get David another fork"--to which my reply was, "And has David broken both his legs?"

I'm afraid your husband would have broken legs if he lived with me, but that would be because I would have kneecapped him long since.

My ex believed that since I only made 1/3 what he did, that I should "make up the difference" in labor around the house. This caused a huge conflict between us, obviously.

On of the things we did to help with the situation was to hire a cleaning woman that came in every other Friday.

The problem stemmed from the fact that his mom was a working mother when very few were. She was an RN. Yet, she still took care of all the household duties. So that was his example.

He had set duties that were his. Yet he did a shit job of them all.

I'm glad to be single, rid of him, and own my own home. All messes are MINE.

Consider a cleaning service to help out. It might diffuse some of the issues. But frankly, I think he treats you like you are "the help".

Before we got married, we lived in a condo, and had the same problems. He expected me to do all the cleaning of the condo and would go off on me for being lazy and ungrateful and how he did everything and I didn’t do anything.

Why did you think he would change *after* marriage?

Living with him sounds like an awful experience, and his words against your daughter are just horrid.

{{{hugs}}}

I was going to recommend a cleaning person. When we were married, I found her. She charges $50 for 4 hours of light cleaning, every other week.

I kept her after the D. She is awesome. Truly lightens my load in life.

Before we got married, we lived in a condo, and had the same problems. He expected me to do all the cleaning of the condo and would go off on me for being lazy and ungrateful and how he did everything and I didn’t do anything.

I fail to see how, if he acted this way before you got married, you expected him to change once you did get married?

And, if he acted that way before you were married, why would you marry a man like that?

[This message edited by Eranda at 10:02 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

I did some math at lunch today:

Ok, I''m going to say this as tactfully as my brain will allow...

F*ck the math!!

There isn''t a mathematical equation big enough to capture what a d-bag he is. He''s raised it to some deranged art form and even there he''s not distinguishing himself. He''s an overblown d-bag but not a world-class one.

ETA: I'm sorry, was I too harsh on him?

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:46 AM, January 28th, 2014 (Tuesday)]

I'm thinking of telling him this- that for every 43 minutes he spends cleaning the house (taking out the trash, laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, picking up living areas, bathrooms, etc...)- I will spend 1 hour. I think that this is a perfectly fair compromise.

This is the kind of negotiation that you end up having to do with a difficult roommate in graduate school.

The real question is why you are in an intimate relationship with someone who does not have the capacity for respect, empathy and love.

Update:

We talked last night- he said he blew up because he is not feeling appreciated. He feels like if it weren't for him, I wouldn't own a home, I would still be living with my parents, wouldn't be going on a fancy vacation to disneyland with DD. He feels that I don't appreciate all that he has done for me, and that I don't show him I appreciate him.

He says that the only way I can show him that I appreciate him is by cleaning. Saying thank you when he does nice things isn't good enough.

He says that he shows me appreciation "all the time" because he buys me little gifts sometimes, and gifts for DD sometimes. For example, when he picked DD up from school yesterday, he got her a stuffed animal at the store.

He says that last week, he was all happy that I made a lunch for him one of the days. Then, two days after, he looked in the fridge and didn't see a lunch, and that put him in crabby moods to start his days because he felt unappreciated and unloved.

I can understand that, fine. I asked him if he felt like I owed him "appreciation" for "rescuing me" from my situation when we still lived in the condo (because he had the same attitude then). He said no, he did not feel that way- and then proceeded with his normal stuff. I don't do anything, laundry is woman's work and something he doesn't feel he should have had to do, what kind of a wife doesn't make sandwiches, accused me of being lazy like my mother, and literally screamed "YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING" multiple times at me before storming off to bed.

He's not JUST a sexist. He's a jerk.

*so tired*

I made him a lunch last night after he stormed off to bed. I wrote "here's your lunch- hope you choke on it" on a napkin. I threw the napkin away and didn't pack it.

I wish I had never married him.

I wish I could afford a divorce.

I wish my daughter was older.

Waiting to leave until the time is right. Being patient is hard.

I would NEVER piss off the person who is preparing my food.

NEVER.

I'm sorry bb - is moving back in with your parents an option at all?

Ignoring the obvious for the moment. Would the 2 of you considering reading The Five Love Languages book together?

Sounds like his love language is acts of service or gifts.

If you are staying for now or for some time, then look for ways to communicate and make it better. Knowing how to show you care in a language he understands and vice versa might make a big difference for the 2 of you. Worst case, you lose ten bucks and figure out what you need.

FUCK.THAT.GUY

He says that the only way I can show him that I appreciate him is by cleaning. Saying thank you when he does nice things isn't good enough.

He says that he shows me appreciation "all the time" because he buys me little gifts sometimes, and gifts for DD sometimes.

I would tell him that the only way he can show you that he appreciates you is by cleaning up after himself, doing laundry, loading the dishwasher, or some other act of kindness (that you would like). It's not necessary to buy you gifts to show his appreciation.

Just put the shoe on the other foot.

[This message edited by foolishlycluless at 12:15 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Waiting to leave until the time is right.

And when will that be? You are doing your daughter no favors by teaching her this is the way a woman should accept being treated.

I second Pentup's suggestion about the Five Love Languages. I had that thought too.

(((more hugs)))

you are not alone. I have gotten wh back into marriage counseling to address this shit.

I am a SAHM, and I homeschool. The kids have several activities a piece, and so I drive a lot. Some days we are in the car 150 miles.

So, I usually have dinner on the table. One night, there was a Christmas parade that my oldest was in. We walked for 3 miles to find where she was supposed to be, and finally get her to her spot, I walk three miles back (carrying a 4 year old) and we are trying to enjoy the parade.

WH is home already and texts, wheres dinner, and blows up because I just fed the kids sandwiches before the parade. He still doesn't get that he can make a PB & J on nights like those (even though the MC told him this)

He also wants to spend EVERY Christmas from now until he dies at his Mommy's. Just a really spoiled man-boy.

He grew up in a multi generational house (grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, 3 cousins, and his mom, dad, and siblings.) So there was always someone who could help clean and cook and baby sit. He doesn't get that I am ONE person and I can not humanly do what his Grandma, Mom, Aunt, Cousin and older sisters did.. that's 6 women. (and I count the women because he grew up in a highly misogynistic house... men did no housework)

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 2:20 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]