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In my own mind, an A is really a set of mistakes that add up to a giant mistake - but for me, the word 'mistake' doesn't carry much baggage with it.

If my W had said something like 'I just made a mistake', or 'Can't you forgive me for making this mistake', I'd have accused her of minimizing and avoiding responsibility.

I pretty much feel it's OK for a BS to use the term, if the BS is really calling the WS to account, but it's not OK for a WS to use it.

JMO, of course - but I've thought this for almost 3 years.

This is an interesting discussion on word choice. I agree. I think mistake and poor choices are similar.

As a teacher - I talk to my students about mistakes, good choices, and poor choices. (We don't use "bad" bc it's like using a red pen. - rolling my eyes)

I think a mistake carries the connotation that it was UNINTENTIONAL. And that is where the breakdown is in the discussion here. Yes a mistake is defined as an action that is misguided BUT social definition provides for a mistake to be less damning than making a bad choice. Like using not using a red pen saves the ego a little, takes away the bite. But before red pens were used as showing errors it was just a pen...

Mistake, bad choice, poor choice, whatever it is the wayward need to own that mistake, bad choice, poor choice and make retribution to the wronged. And take steps not to make that mistake, bad choice, poor choice again.

Mistake minimizes it. It was an intentional albeit poor choice.

My fWH has said both. He said it was a mistake that he made such a poor choice. But he has owned it.

I don't dwell on this anymore for us because he 'gets it' now.

mis·take

məˈstāk/

noun

noun: mistake; plural noun: mistakes

1.

an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

Fits the act of murder too. It was just a mistake, I was cleaning it and it went off. Didn't mean to blow his damn head off, but shit happens.

ETA: Sometimes I hate the semantics game.

[This message edited by Tred at 5:21 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Someone could CHOOSE to make a MISTAKE but why make that choice to begin with. Seems to me that an A is more of a revelation of character than anything. Tack on lies, manipulation, gaslighting, etc and I think it speaks for itself.

But.. if I am going to play the semantics game:

To me a mistake implies some sort of innocence or ignorance. I think the WS knows exactly what they are doing. Therefore, not a mistake.

I've come to reject the importance of intentionality in this.

The pain of being betrayed is awful whether an A is revenge in some way or not.

Besides, what WS hasn't said something like, 'I didn't mean to hurt you,' or 'I thought you didn't love me any more?'

Again, JMO.

On the use of these words, we're going to fall into at least 2 camps. Let's keep in mind that we mostly seem to like and respect each other.

Choosing to have an A is a choice, although my wh still calls it a mistake. It pisses me off when he calls it that. Like you said calling a choice is owning what you chose to do. You don't accidently have an A, you just don't, you made a choice to call/text the ap, you makea choice to see them. How can that me a accident?

That's at least where I'm at in all this. My wh chose some pretty pour choices for his life, but he didn't do them by accident!!! He knew what he was doing and did it anyway.

I've heard the "mistake" line multiple times. But she made a choice to make the same "mistake" over and over and over......

[This message edited by RealityStinks at 6:57 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

The problem isn't the word mistake in and of itself.

It is very common in our society to use the word "mistake" to mean "accident" or even things that aren't a big deal.

Ripping my pants is an accident.

Spilling my coffee is an accident.

Neither is a very big deal. Annoying, damaging- but in the grand scheme of things, not the end of the world.

I rear-end someone in the car-accident. Unintentional error. Accidental mistake. It can be very destructive and expensive- but it was something I didn't mean to do.

Mistakes can also be bad choices that were made intentionally. Losing my virginity in the back seat of a car was very much an intentional choice I made in high school- and a mistake I regretted doing afterwards.

An affair is indeed a mistake- one that is intentional, calculated, and a choice knowing that the consequences would be hurtful and negative. The choices to lie, trickle truth, continue speaking to the OP, continuing sleeping with the OP- all are choices, and all are mistakes.

The problem is that mistake is so often used to mean "accident" that when someone uses it about an affair- it does leave a sour taste in my mouth. When I hear my H say, "I made a mistake," what I end up hearing is: "this isn't my fault and I don't take responsibility. I don't recognize that cheating wasn't a one time error in judgement, but a series of inter-tangled webs of calculated lies and omissions, multiple betrayals, and the choice to disrespect me every single moment of every day for six months."

I prefer the word choice, because when I hear choice, at least I am NOT hearing "accident."

sisoon, this has been on my mind lately. I am leaning towards choice.

I made a mistake when I was mislead after the EA DDay. I believed him.

He made a very corrupt, selfish choice to let the A go past our marital boundaries. No matter what the reasons, he made a choice every day.

Can we just say action? Whether it was a mistake or choice by the Merriam's definition, it was a deliberate action. It was intentional 100% of the time. No accidents. If someone wants to minimize by equating it with unintentional or accidental acts, then tell them it wasn't their "mistake" that is the reason for [insert how you are feeling here] it is the deliberate actions that they took that are the reason for [insert how you are feeling here].

I hate when they say that they made a mistake... It just makes me so upset and angry.. Really sticking your dick in some sluts vagina is a mistake.. Right dude ... That was a decision.. A conscientious choice....

"Mistake minimizes it.". I don't think so. I think mistakes can be far from minimal. Ask someone that lost a family member or suffered horribly from a doctor's "mistake", or a lawyers. People can lose their lives as well as their lively hood and careers from being on both the giving and receiving end.

How it's described by anyone else but someone who is harmed is meaningless. It is what it is and if my husband views his actions as mistakes is so irrelevant to me. The fact he did them is the only focus for me right now. I don't value anything that comes out of his mouth right now. Splitting hairs on meaning would just be pointless when it's all just shit.

I believe that our words can shape our thoughts. Saying exactly what you mean is important.

If you say a thing often enough, it shapes your attitudes. You might begin to believe your own BS(as in bovine excrement.) He chose daily to pursue something he knew would devastate me. It was purposeful, intentional, planned and calculated. He needs to name it for what it was, a choice where he weighed the pros and cons and my hurt was an acceptable "con."

Say it, own it, believe it.

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 2:08 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

I know this bs wanted to believe it was a mistake and not a choice. My answer is different now then it would have been on DD. I so wanted it to just be a mistake like ws said it was. I know better now. I would rather hear him say, I made the choice to cheat. That would be the honest response.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:58 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

I chose to remain faithful.

My H chose to cheat.

My friends chose to betray me.

Unfortunately, my fwh made the mistake of not erasing some messages. Oops!

MOW made the mistake of thinking he was the kind of person who doesn't make those kind of mistakes. Double oops!

I feel pretty comfortable with my understanding of who owns what.

As a WS I am very careful to always refer to my ONS/affair as a choice and never use the word mistake. I concur with most on this thread that words have meanings and I believe the word mistake is for something like putting and x in the wrong box on a math exam, not for the action I took.

I do that for my BW peace of mind and my piece of mind that I am aware of my behavior and I am not "forgetting" how I got there in the first place. It is part of healing I believe. Ownership.

[This message edited by astudentoflife at 6:16 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

For a little chuckle, I just put "piece" of mind when I should have put "peace"of mind.

Oooops, now that IS a mistake.

Oh how I agree with this. I never understood the "mistake" angle. WS woke up every morning looked the BS in the eyes and said I love you all the while ploting the days events that included banging their AP. Then they did it over and over again.

I stand firmly behind the thought that the only mistake made is thinking one could handle the guilt or being caught. The A, nah, that's no mistake.