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UGHHH!!

He talked me into going to a "swingers' party. It was odd. It was in a hotel ballroom and it appeared as if it was an office party. There wasn't any "PDA", the dress was totally casual (not slutty)

What?

Are you on board?

If you are then ok. If not..then What?

Do not let him talk you into something you are not on board with! You have every right to be concerned and voice your concerns/boundaries. Good luck!!

If you don't want to be a swinger also, you're not going to be any happier seeing him hookup with other women. And you're going to resent him not caring if you hookup with other men.

Was it a hooking-up swinger party, with sexual contact, or was it more of a social get together?

Either way, it's very concerning. If there wasn't contact, then he might have been attempting to pass you two off as swingers so that he can return there alone for hook-ups. After all, if they've seen you with him at the party, some other couples might assume you know and are OK with it.

It's not OK.

I read your post in R, that you two have been in R for 6 years now. Where did this behavior of his come from? Is this a deal-breaker for you?

How are you feeling right now?

My XWH tried this move as well.

He wanted to get into the swinging lifestyle AFTER he'd already cheated repeatedly.

I had no interest. He did it (among other things) anyway.

We're divorced.

ETA: I think some WS use this as a way to get permission to cheat. Even if you were on board, you'd soon find him "forgetting" to tell you about this or that with regard to the other person involved with the swinging.

If he already has loose boundaries (or has demonstrated so in the past), what makes you think THIS is going to work out either?

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 6:14 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

Is he into porn? Ask him why he would want to become a swinger.

If you don't want the swingers lifestyle or he keeps pressuring you into it, it's emotional abuse.

Don't fall for that.

Tell him to start digging his issues and be honest with you about what he really wants.

He talked me into going to a "swingers' party.

Red flag. The minute you say *no* or anything other than *yes* or *maybe* he should stop the conversation and not pressure you in any way.

He is looking for permission to sleep around. He is telling you, you are not enough for him. He wants to cheat without having to call it cheating.

If there wasn't contact, then he might have been attempting to pass you two off as swingers so that he can return there alone for hook-ups. After all, if they've seen you with him at the party, some other couples might assume you know and are OK with it.

Very true.

If you don't want the swingers lifestyle or he keeps pressuring you into it, it's emotional abuse.

Don't fall for that.

Also true.

why are you here on SI?

you go to swingers parties and your partner fucks other people.

and?

You sound very worried about this recent behavior. Never let anyone bully you into doing anything you are not comfortable with.

I personally feel you are welcome here to share your fears and confusion. Take the advice that works for you and leave the rest. So many of us here seem to struggle with how to deal with these issues and what do we do. Good luck.

Kalliopeia...

Please don't condemn someone for coming here and asking for help. Your response is very judgmental and hurtful and just because *you* don't agree with what this member posted, doesn't make their situation wrong or unwelcomed here.

And since this person has been a member here for years, I feel confident that this is a legitimate question.

Please be respectful.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:29 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

Oddly enough, we never went to an actual swinger party. We just kept it close and casual. I am curious though as to your thoughts on agreeing after your other post. Also was this before or after the threesome was brought up? You can PM if you want.

I know there are some guys out there that use the woman to get into the clubs, but there are others like me that really just like sharing for some reason. Still hard to explain, but it was an experience we did as a couple, and I felt closer for it. Knowing at the end she was still with me.

Either way, you shouldn't feel pressured to do things you do not want to. You have to make that clear and see what happens from there.

Hewasmycasanova,

If you don't want to be part of "the swingers" lifestyle -- you must be completely honest with your husband and tell him you don't want to participate.

You do have the right to set your own boundaries.

There was a time where my wife and I had discussed this shortly after my affair. It was something we were peripherally interested in and it was only highlighted as we were in the middle of our HB phase.

We researched this and even went as far as to attend an event. We found it wasnt for us. However, there was a couple of things we took away from this.

This lifestyle does appeal to and does work for a some people, but trust and openness is absolutely key. If there is no trust, or if a relationship is in trouble.. then this is not the cure. It will only deepen the rift.

At these events are people in healthy and open relationships. However, there are a smaller yet noticeable number of people who are in an affair and are attending these events without the knowledge of their respective spouses. These people tend to make those of us who have been through an affair very uncomfortable. While it may seem counter intuitive, most people in attendance do have very strict boundaries. There are very subtle queues and explicit rules conveyed during a introduction/negotiation (most time via the women, but not always). however.. for those in an affair, they clearly have no boundaries and if any drama does occur, it is usually due to them.

All clubs tend to have higher male attendance. Men are almost never permitted to attend on their own, but will attend with another couple. Invariably.. they will approach a couple (not who they came with) and some don't seem to be able to take a hint that they are unwelcome.

Lessons about cheaters who want to swing, have threesomes or open relationships:

The trick is making the BS believe they want to do it, it was their idea or if they do not do it the marriage will suffer. Do not ever accept these activities into your life to save the marriage or keep your partner from leaving you.

Should you swing? Is your marriage strong, open and honest? Do you trust your partner 100% under any circumstance, no matter what? Will you ask yourself after the fact if your spouse is desiring you or the last person you added into your bed?

The lifestyle is full of cheaters and the honest swingers will tell you the same thing. If you do not believe me, private message me and I will send you a link to a recent discussion on a swinger's forum. If you read the internet you will read articles and blogs about 70%+ of swingers are happy(ier) in their marriages than vanilla couples. Step back and take a guess at who they are polling before you get all excited about it helping your marriage. They are asking the people in the lifestyle that are happy. They go to websites for swingers for the research. It is not rocket science to realize people that frequent swinger's websites and want to answer questions about how happy they are are the swinger's it is working for. What about the ones that crash and burn? What about the ones that end up cheated on, divorced or with an irreversible rift in the marriage? They are not perusing the websites for swingers and they may not want to talk about it due to embarrassment, therefore, they are not part of the data or statistics.

While it may seem counter intuitive, most people in attendance do have very strict boundaries. There are very subtle queues and explicit rules conveyed during a introduction/negotiation (most time via the women, but not always). however.. for those in an affair, they clearly have no boundaries and if any drama does occur, it is usually due to them.

On the contrary, most of the drama comes from couples with a long list of do's and do not's, as it is a sign of insecurity and inequality within the marriage. The wife can play with men and women, but the man can only play with his wife and watch, due to his wife not trusting him and being jealous. This scenario causes huge issues at events for swingers.

The bottom line is, if you do not trust your spouse 110% you have no business bringing a third party into your sex life. Ask yourself if it is actually for you or if it is another manipulative way for your WS to gain access to sex with anybody other than you. If it is solely for your pleasure and he is thinking of you, he will take no for an answer and let it die. If he continues to bring it up or tries to convince you it will help or improve your intimacy, he is looking for his pass to new ass.

Wayward spouses should never be allowed to swing or bring in a third party, it would be like giving crack to an addict, why tempt them with their drug of choice?