SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wh has always portrayed himself to be the ultimate "family man" obviously a sham considering I found out that he's cheated on me since 2005 and possibly before that as well!!

Once his halo is removed and our families and friends find out what a "monster" he is- it makes me worried about how he's going to cope!! Obviously-- he's weak and damaged!! He always told me- if we get divorced "he'd be devastated!!" Which I really have no doubt!! Too bad that he didn't think about that beforehand!! What about his Life Ins policies?

Should I be worried?

[This message edited by mj052 at 11:09 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]

Sounds like you already are.

I was very worried, he would often tell me he was suicidal. Tried when I broke up with him 14 years ago. Tried again the day after I found out about the affair. I thought for sure when I ran with the kids that he would. He didn't. He only uses it as a control thing and it wasn't working after the second attempt. I was pretty mad by then and told him to get treatment but that I didn't care anymore.

Don't let the idea of what he might do keep you from doing what you need to do. He makes his choices. Did you make him cheat? No. You won't make him suicidal either, he will. Not your job to save him, never was.

And most life insurance policies will pay out as long as the suicide is a certain time period away from the original purchase of the policy. Two years seems standard. Just saying. Don't mean to be cold but you did ask.

My STBX has played this card in the past too when I tried to leave him. In my situation it turned out to be just another way for him to turn the tables and play the "victim" who needs sympathy.

However, just to protect myself (from any future guilt I would possibly feel - no matter how unfounded) - I learned to control my sharp tongue. I have the ability to give quite a verbal lashing to him and have in the past expressed what a putrid, disgusting, worthless piece of garbage he is

Not that it wasn't deserved (or true) but I didn't need to be verbally abusive or sink to his levels of lowliness. Plus he couldn't blame me (directly) for feeling like a shitbag - nope, just his own behavior.

I absolutely vent those feelings on here and to a couple of very close friends though.

If he's threatening suicide, call the police. They will lock him up in the psych unit for 24-48 hours for an evaluation. If he's serious, he'll get the help he needs. If he's fishing for sympathy, he won't do it again.

A couple of months after I moved out and had strict NC, my Ex sent a few weird emails to me and OW.

I kind of brushed them off, then he sent a picture of a gun to his head and asked if we wanted him to do it. I think she had been emailing back and forth with him, but I didn't respond. I did call the police though.

He now claims he wasn't suicidal, just very depressed. I told him he didn't get the luxury of putting that on me, which is why I called for help.

I felt totally manipulated by him that day and made it clear to him that whether he wants to do it or not in the future, I don't care to know beforehand. I'd rather find out afterwards along with everyone else.

Every case is different, of course... but I agree with some of the statements here that often a claim of being suicidal can be a last-ditch effort at being controlling.

That said, I didn't read you as saying that you STBX is suicidal or has necessarily threatened in the past-- but that you are projecting ahead and wondering if this should be something you need to be worried about.

Personally, I used to wonder the same thing. But it turns out that X is maybe not "great" but he's certainly "fine" and functioning. Nowhere near suicide. I may think he should be suicidal given the pain he should be in at the loss of our M (and being in that amount of pain would maybe begin to scratch the surface of how I felt this past year)... but the bottom line is, by and large, these cheaters are stunningly selfish and narcissistic.

With that in mind, I don't think many WS are suicidal precisely because then they might end up hurting the person who counts the most in this scenario: themselves.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 12:01 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]

I used to worry about my STBXH attempting suicide. I have since discovered that he is way to selfish to purposely hurt himself. I have nothing to worry about.

If he's threatening suicide, call the police. They will lock him up in the psych unit for 24-48 hours for an evaluation. If he's serious, he'll get the help he needs. If he's fishing for sympathy, he won't do it again.

I agree with sadtoo's post whole heartedly. Just tell the police you want a wellness check done. They do it all the time.

My WH has said that several times when I said if he did it again id divorce him. It was his way to trap me. His life insurance has a suicide clause. No payout if it is proven. You can read it within the policy. The first time he said it to me is when I looked it up. I don't know if talking to your agent is wise as it may become premeditated. there is also a clause that says if it is proven that the beneficiary (wife) is found guilty of murder of the insured, no payout. Omg.... They spell it all out in the policy tho.

I would say if you hear him say it explicitly I would call 911 and report it. That way you aren't looked at as an accessory helping him commit. Dnt let him blame you either - it's a cowards way out of facing the realities of their mistakes.

My ex used to hint at suicide several times a year. It always got me to drop my uppity ways and get back in my place. He totally used it as a way to control me and keep me in the relationship or making any changes to the relationship. Often I would end up apologizing to him for my crazy thoughts and begging him to live and give "us" another chance.

When I started getting healthy is when I told him, after yet another dramatic incident in which I feared for his life AND he was carrying on IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, I told him I would be calling 911 and letting the mental health professionals handle him. I told him if he EVER threatened, talked about, ideated or appeared seriously depressed again I would be calling 911.

He never again pulled the suicide card. I saw with total clarity how he had been playing me all along.

My XH also used that threat as a means of control. At one point, he even threatened it & said "And it will be all your fault. Everybody will hate you for it". This was the night before I moved out.

I quietly talked to his BFF (who I'd thought was also my friend) and told him to keep an eye on XH. The BFF said something along the lines of XH would never commit suicide.

To XH I said something along the lines of "like your A, that's yet another unilateral decision on your part". FTG. My XH was trying to keep me hostage emotionally.

Some WW's prolly do mean it, but generally, I think it's a means of blackmail.

The X threatened once. He's retired NYPD and has a lot of guns. He locked himself in our bedroom, so I told him I had my mobile and I was calling the police. He yelled out, "Don't! I'll lose my guns."

However, I would not hesitate to call the police if he or anyone else threatened to kill themselves.

I can only speak for myself here, and certainly wouldn't want you to make any decisions based on it, but when I tried to kill myself, everyone who knew me was totally shocked. They had never seen any indication of suicidal thoughts. I had always kept it deeply buried.

The Princess, on the other hand, would pout whenever we couldn't afford something, and would say, "I hate my life!" As a result, I was secretly worried that she would kill herself, which is why I kept my business problems a secret for three years, until it overtook me - and I thought I had no other choice but to kill myself.

So if your WH has ever expressed a desire to kill himself, it MAY not be true. But if he is just quietly burying his worries and dread, it may be something to worry about.

Of course, there are also other people who bury their feelings and DON'T attempt suicide, so you really can't say. If you are genuinely worried he may do it, have someone else reach out to him, a brother or close friend. That way, you're not getting entangled if it IS just him playing chicken with you.

The most important thing is that people who really want to kill themselves are very crafty about hiding it. If something were to happen - and you were to miss it - you should not feel to blame.

A few months after Dday and S, my X told me there was a night he seriously and emotionlessly consider it, got out his gun and everything. He had waited to share this until several weeks later. I didn't react to his story and don't necessarily believe it as it seems counter to everything else I'd learned about his complete and utterly selfish "private life" and lies. What was notable was that within minutes of telling he was insisting that he move back home cause he couldn't take being alone. In my case - I believe that it was manipulation.

Among the most important things I've learned on SI,two things stand out -- you can't ever really know what someone is thinking, and you are not in control of, or responsible for, what someone else does.

If you get the gut feeling this is happening - call the cops. Until then - don't go looking for trouble...