SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

While your angst is understandable you need to ask yourself why you are attempting to R if this is how you feel. I am by no means an expert on R, fact is I D my XWW. But as a man of 52 I do think I have been around the block a few times. And in my opinion a healthy sex life is an important part of any relationship. I'm not saying you need to compromise your beliefs on specific sexual activity. But if you want to R you need to come to terms with the fact that sex is part of a M. Its also been my experience that a WS has a need to demean their BS while active in their affairs. It kind of gives them a half assed excuse to justify their behaviors. Be it true or not that's just the pathology of a cheater. At my age I certainly can appreciate the appeal of a younger women. But I personally like to date within my age range. And I do find ladies who have a couple of extra pounds and a bit of sag and wrinkles sexy. Hey I'm no Adonis myself, I've changed physically myself. I'm older, lost some hair, put on some weight and don't have the muscle tone I had in my younger years. I cant go 5 times a night anymore either. But I do think to the right person that I am attractive.

If self image is a problem do something about it. There is always something people can do to make themselves more attractive. But I think your problem is more of a mental one that needs to be resolved if R is what you want. Perhaps some couch time with a qualified therapist is needed. Perhaps this may be something you just cant get past due to your WH prior behaviors. But whatever it is you need to come to terms with it. I suggest you seek an answer to exactly what's bothering you. If its something you can work through with him that good. If its something you cant get passed you might want to reconsider R. Just because he is working hard these days does not mean you owe him anything. There is nothing written that says you need to stay in the M. For some people betrayal is simply a deal breaker and that's OK too. But you need to answer those questions before you proceed. That's just my .02 cents. I wish you peace my friend.

He does see me for real. How can he think I'm sexy? In not! Not any more...

Because he does see you for real. Before what he wanted was the equivalent of an addict wanting a hit. Just as some addicts equate their drugs with medicine and the high with "getting well" so too do SA/wayward mindsets equate the AP and lurv with "beauty" and "love". They redefine the real, genuine things as bad and the bad things as good.

If he is doing the work, if he is fixing his issues then it is entirely possible he is honest about this.

Stronger, your question is a valid one, the answer complicated. I have no intention of leaving unless he acts out again. If that happens, I will be alone. That's not my choice.

I've given up so much. I don't intend to voluntarily give up any more. Right now we have companionship, shared family, common interests. No sex, but I haven't had that for many years.

He says he is willing to accept me on whatever terms he must. I'm trying to figure out the answers to the questions I asked in my original post. No one understands more than I that a sexless marriage isn't a real marriage. Remember, I had to live that reality for the past 20 years or so, under the guise of ED and chronic depression...

The last time we attempted intimacy, he was abusive. More recently, he attacked me verbally for something that he should have just talked to me about and given me a chance to fix. Instead he chose to get drunk and call me names and make accusations about my character. He is loud and raging when he gets in these moods.

ScaredyKat - I read this and thought to myself, Who's the one here that's not sexy? There is absolutely nothing sexy about a man, affair or no affair, SA or not, who would treat you in this way. It is appalling to me that he is telling you on one hand that he wants to R and on the other can be abusive during a moment of intimacy and verbally attack you, get drunk, call you names, and attack your character.

My H had an 8 year LTA. It devastated me. It took me several months before I decided to agree to give him a second chance but I vowed from that moment forward never to accept any behavior from my H that was clearly unacceptable. When we offer them a chance to R, it is the greatest gift and should be treated with the utmost humility and gratitude. Please stop questioning your own sexiness. Put you energy and your focus on your H's terrible behavior. I don't know how often this may occur but in your own words you say that he is "loud and raging when he gets in these moods." Is it any wonder you are not receptive to him when he acts in this manner????

He is the one with the intimacy issues. He is the one who doesn't know how to treat a "real" woman. He probably has objectified women for so long he is terrified of a woman of substance and ergo the outbursts. These are his issues. Please reset your focus. Ask different questions. I understand as women we like to feel sexy and desirable. But what, if anything about his behavior, would make any woman feel loved and desired?? There is no place for abusive behavior, angry outbursts and name calling when struggling to R with a FWS. Remember, you have given him the gift of R. If at anytime he treats that gift as anything less than amazing, IMHO, I would question whether or not he was truly worthy of it.

(((SK)))

..

there are at least a couple of types of 'sexy'. One type is a young Sophia Loren. Another is

..an old Sophia Loren!!!

**see movie 'Grumpier Old Men'.. for ref.

..sexy is all about perception.. and the power of positive thinking..

.your new theme song is: I'm Too Sexy (for my shirt) Right Said Fred.

..We are many things, sexy is only one of them and doesn't have to be at the top of our list to determine our worth.

Be true to yourself most of all!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 7:54 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

Thanks for the images! An old Sophia Loren! Lol...

Just for the record, I DO NOT tolerate his rages. I do hold him accountable. This event was in Oct. He dealt with it with his IC and made sure I knew what the result/reasons were. Short of having him grovel there isn't much more I can do. Guilt/shame is a problem that can cause cyclical behaviors.

I am grateful for those of you who are taking the time to help me muddle through this. Especially those of you who are helping me get inside his head. I lost the ability to trust my own perception when I failed to see what was in front of my face.

Well I guess I'm the ugly duckling. My fWH is quite handsome he's a cross between Beckham and Sting. Too many people say it so it's not my opinion.

What I hate is the comments I get from so many young women some coworkers others just from our industry.

So I always hear... " wow good job.. How'd you land him"

Or many you must be proud to have him. He's so hot!!

Or " so what how did you get him"

I just don't get these women. Do they think I was always older fat and ugly.

I was considered pretty when I was young. But hell married to him 20 years has aged me 40. Sometimes I wish I would say.. You know what.. You can have him.. Unfortunately some of these Hos would try.

So of course this just does wonders to my self esteem. And mr Narcissist just loves the attention. . .

I am finally coming to terms with similar issues...my fWH was "not happy" with my weight gain (that occurred mostly AFTER DDay#1 and was a complete emotional defense mechanism)...but his new "type" was something I *never* was like...not even when we met at age 19! I asked him "Why didn't you marry someone who looked like that, then, if it's so interesting to you?" He said "Because I wanted to marry you, and you're so much more than just a body type to me." (this several months after Dday#2)

I started thinking about the changes my body had undergone, both from natural aging and stress over the past 7 years (since Dday#1)...and I told him that every wrinkle, every gray hair, every bit of flab left over from childbearing, every EVERYTHING on my body should be a damn badge of honor FOR HIM, as in "My wife went through all this and is still amazing."

I hear your self-description of petite and about 115...good lord, even with sags/wrinkles, I'd kill to be that again! You're likely smokin' hot, just hidden underneath layers of years of abuse/neglect. Anything you don't like about yourself, start thinking of it as battle scars...maybe not the prettiest thing on your body, but they come with a hell of a story, right?

(((scaredyKat)))

No, I'm not overweight. I look pretty good for almost 60. I'm relatively certain I'd have little problem with natural aging issues if it weren't for history. Hell! I DON'T have too many issues with how I look, it's believing that HE doesn't have issues given his preferences and stated dissing of me and my performance.

I'm trying to hear you all, trying to believe him. Working on it.

You asked if it's possible for your H to find you sexy. The consensus seems to be that it's eminently possible.

Now what? Have you accepted that you could be very sexy? Have you decided to accept your H's word?

I know your H has conditioned you to feel unattractive and unsexy, and that's very hard to overcome, but if you don't feel sexy, what next?

I think your best choice is to take a risk with your H. Just sayin'....

And remember - to SMY and me, you'd probably look both hot and young. (SMY & I apparently have similar tastes....)

Thanks...risk seems to be the thing I've lost the ability to do.

I'll work on it. More self talk!

Thanks...