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I'm getting to the point of emotional exhaustion. The stress is again manifesting itself in my body, especially my back. I'm not feeling down necessarily and I'm not having trouble getting things done. Just couldn't hurt to feel some bit of relaxation. Last night all I wanted was to be held...held lovingly. I've posted before how much I've always loved being TTMU's arms. He is 6'1" and I'm 5'4" (ok...5'3" probably nowadays) and I swear I fit perfectly when he hugs me. And the man is a furnace. I think I was the only person sweating in bed during the power outages after Hurricane Sandy. But I just can't let him hold me anymore. I don't feel comfortable like I used to and why the hell would I want someone who could hurt me over and over and over and who would give up his family, to touch me at all? What do you do when you want to be held? I don't have my parents here. And since last July when my mom told me that if I wanted this marriage I should never bring up the affair again...well...I don't have the same feelings towards her anymore. I love cuddling with DD#2. She's my cuddlebug. But I want someone to cuddle me. I haven't felt loved (I mean that husband/wife love) in so long.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 8:06 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

Honestly, I let him hold me anyway. Sometimes, once he started, that old feeling came in and I could enjoy it. Sometimes I had to backtrack, slide away and tell him I just couldn't handle it now. But, the more I allowed him to comfort and love me, the more comfortable and wonderful it got.

It doesnt feel loving anymore though. And being held by him. means nothing because of how his words and actions don't match. Hell, even his words don't match his words and his actions don't match his actions. When I stop hoping that he actually "means it this time" his hugs are crushing...not comfortable. Especially when I fear him and how he will treat me.

(((TCD)))

I found I would cuddle with my dogs. Yup lay on the floor between my Dane, and my Golden, get in a big ole puppy pile. Best antidepressant ever.

Don't make fun of me please, but I have a large St. Bernard stuffed animal that I've had since childhood. I sometimes sleep with it if I am by myself and lonely.

TCD - my Gosh I was thinking of this exact same thing! My IC says to let him touch me anyway. I may THINK I don't want to be held but really, I may.

Also, if someone asked me the best thing about my husband I would also answer how perfectly I fit in his arms and that he is a human furnace too! Just 10 minutes ago I thought this!!

But, many times during the last years I 've needed touch. I purposely get lots of massages, manis and pedis, facials, whatever - just so I can be touched. IT has been very important in my healing, especially the nurturing touch of another female.

hugs!!

I sleep with a pillow and 2 dogs. What I get from my dogs is unconditional and total love. I don't think I've ever had that from a non-family member.

Don't worry. I sleep with a stuffed leopard. The dog must have used her doggy senses (whatever she has left) and came into the living room just now. ANNNNDDDD....there she goes. Jerk. Wait. Here is a cat. There she goes. Damn it!!!!

It's like what WH does to me. Hangs it in front of my face...it being being loved and supported...and then it is all ripped away.

The problem with just letting him hold me for my own needs is that he gets this idea that everything is better. So if the next day I need a little support, all of a sudden it's back to hurting me.

TCD - I had a wonderful cat that was MINE when all this went on, and he used to follow me around talking to me, so I would sit down so he could curl up on my lap, he also slept on me many nights.

He has passed since, and my new cat, will only lay by me when I am asleep. She certainly does not enjoy being cuddled. She is 110% Cat. The little snot makes me so mad, all I want to do is cuddle her, she has the silkiest fur of any animal I have ever owned.

Im sorry for your pain. I know how hard it is.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 10:56 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

I have a cat on top of me now. All the animals (3 cats and a dog) like me the best. But it's kind of hard to feel like I did in WH's arms...that melting inside of something feeling.

I am almost the complete opposite. I don't ever want to hear the words "I love you" cause I know he said them to her. Or even "good morning love". Those send me into a complete spiral and I hate him.

But, I have needed/wanted to be held. Even while we are sleeping (or he is sleeping and I am awake with my thoughts) I have been reaching over and touching his arm, hand, etc. it just reassures me he is physically there.

The emotionally there, not so sure. But he is physically here now.

I wish I had better advice. But, I feel like your opposite!

Very gently, TCD, why are you staying? Do you feel your alienation from your H will go away?

Byefornow - I don't actually want him per say. Just a need to be held.

Mainly I stay for the kids. But I think it because I'm a fudging moron who believes him every single time he makes promises.

TCD - I get what you are saying, and I think it's part of our scar that we don't have that melting into their arms feeling.

I am healed and happy, but I am different now, stronger, more independent, and while I enjoy his hugs, and comfort, I also don't rely on it. I pull my strength from within. Even with a spouse that does all the right things, I think we as BS's too heal, change, and feel differently.

While there are times of upset, and feeling the need to be comforted because of things that happen in life, I also know that I can survive without it.

Does that make sense? I am a touchy feely person too. But I guess I get enough of that from other people, places, and things (animals) that I don't rely on spouse to provide it.

I'm rambling here, struggling for the right words.....

I know what you mean. And since this last miscarriage I do feel a sense of worth. I do feel like he isn't worthy of me. I do see his crappiness as him being a fucknut and not about me. It's just one of those moments, ya know.

So do something super nice for you today.

If you feel that need to connect but not with him, maybe get fixed up and go take the girls to target and get pictures taken of just you and your kids. (If he's being a decent guy you can use them for a VDAy gift).

Right now I'm off to get the dog's meds and go get presents for 2 parties this weekend. But I am wearing my Jem and the Holograms tshirt!

((((TattoodChinaDoll))))

I understand. One of my love language is physical touch. Like you, I want to be held, I want to feel loved. It's hard, I don't want my WH is touch me, at all. I try to love myself more everyday. It is hard, I know.