I am of the firm belief, that when the WS walks out of the fog, into clarity, full of regret and remorse, it is inevitable that we become judgmental, of ourselves and of our actions. The act of thinking, I am a monster, is a act of self-judgement. So, if we come from a place of self-judgement in our healing journey, is it so surprising that at times, members seem judgmental of the thoughts and actions of others? I think the desire to share hard earned knowledge is part of human nature.
While some see that as a failure of SI, I personally see that as a strength of the site. If the older wiser members of SI had not called me out from my very first post, I might never have gotten past the foggy side. Having my words analysed and poured over, my motives questioned and my thoughts judged were the very things that lead to my self-understanding. MissesJai, Maia, beach, UnexpectedSong, chasingpavements, Waywardson, authenticnow, Listeningclosely, ThoughtIKnewYa, Edie, Card, Fallen and BaxtersBFF are all on the list of WS's who called me out at various times. I am thankful that for them, providing support did not mean just agreeing to my every thought but it also meant calling a spade a spade and yes, that was often said in a very honest and blunt manner. Sometimes it was hurtful but I could see that even the critical judgmental remarks gave something to my self-healing.
I always understood and readily accepted that each member here, including the mods, were here on SI as a result of adultery being as much of a part in their lives as it was in mine. From day one, I clearly knew that the members were not professional therapists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists but rather, they were people just like me, either a WS or a BS in their own right. Depending on who relied to my posts, I could see that everyone had their own style. But in general, the community as a whole showed a uncanny ability to understand what I was going through, make concrete suggestions for healing and at times, swing the 2x4.
Each of us are individuals, unique and different but there a common thread that binds us all. the act of adultery. And with that core experience uniting us, all of us here have some BTDT experience to share. That shared experience is what binds us here. The truth is that if you don’t see things the way that the crowd does, then that’s your prerogative. Just as I am entitled to disagree with anything you said. That is why the adage of 'take what you need and leave the rest" is mentioned here time after time.
SI is not a touchy feelie place by its very institutional structure. This is not a place of detached, analytic and clinical discourse. This is a moderated forum for the lay WS to express their own personal issues. To give and receive support. And while you (in general) may control what support you offer and how that is offered including what words you use and how you present them, the truth is that you cannot control what the other members think, feel and offer up. That’s just not how this forum works.
Moderators do and will take steps including warnings, PM messages and locking threads where appropriate but they are not our mothers and they cannot police each and every message. The filtering of messages, helpful and harmful is left to ourselves. The phrase, put your big girl panties on, applies to all of us here regardless of our sex.
Again it cannot be said often enough, we are not a professional counselling service and so, the quality of advice that we offer is very much conditional on where each member is in their own self-growth, the emotional connection of the subject matter and the pain and hurt being reflected back.
HUFI
Edited for spelling
[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 10:55 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]