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My dad passed away Jan 15 2006 and obviously, several anniversaries of his passing have come and gone. On one hand, he was a simple man who worked with his hands, keeping a very traditional family lifestyle, eschewing fame and future. On the other hand, he was not an angel as he was stubborn, opinionated and very much old fashioned in his ideas and thinking. In many respects, of all the kids, I am the one that resembles him the most in habit and spirit. I would guess, that at a certain level, he was no more than and no less as complicated as I find myself.

As his anniversary was approaching, I found myself thinking more and more of him. He passed away before my A and so, I was spared having to confess and explain my actions. I’m not sure if he would have understood the whole drama behind it. Dad has some simple ideas of how you dealt with issues like that. Don’t. Not as in "don’t deal with them" but rather, don’t get into the mess in the first place.

Today I’m finding myself crying over this. Crying because I never had the chance to talk to my dad about the struggle of a WS. Crying because I found myself in that position in the first place. Crying over the loss of my father period.

Today, I posted on a friends FB page telling them to take care of themselves as they struggle to take care of their mom who is hospitalized. I recalled replying to a post about the issue of whether a WS has the right to talk to their children about morals and ethics. Thinking of FOO issues. Thinking of death and thinking of my history. And as I grow older, I find that my thinking and emotions become entangled. Can't do one without the other.

It’s sad and depressing. How can someone so friken clever and smart be so friken stupid? Where was I standing when brains were handed out?

Today, as I picture my dad, envisioning the talk with him about the A, I can picture him standing there, slowly shaking his head in disbelief with this look on his face, incredulous that once more, his son was jut not getting it.

There are some days when I picture talking to my dad and he’s proud. Proud that I faced my demon and came out on the other side. Proud that even after faltering, I eventually did find my stride and got my shit together. That he would put his arms around me and say, lets go inside for lunch. You'll be okay son.

But today, that’s not the vision I’m having. Today, it’s the negative one. The one where he is disappointed and he can’t understand how I got into this mess. And today, I am also disappointed with myself and I also struggle with understanding. Sitting here with tears. Crap. Ah …. The consequences of our affairs run deep and the tentacles reach into every crack and crevice of our lives, affecting everything and everyone.

Ah ... I think I will go and make some brownies, have a coffee and figure out what’s for supper when LF comes home. Thanks for listening.

HUFI

My father passed away four years ago on January 9th, plus my mother has dementia. I totally get wanting/needing a parent to talk to about big stuff and not being able to. Funny how the older we get, the more we can really miss that.

FWIW, I bet he'd be proud of you and how you faced things.

And chocolate is always a good thing.

(((HUFI)))

HUFI, I'm so sorry for your loss. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

In my experience, as a daughter and as a mother, there is nothing that you could do that would make your dad disappointed in you. If he were still around, sure he might be worried about you and concerned about you, but not disappointed. He would see your struggle but be proud of how you are handling it and that you have come out the other side. A parent's love is unconditional.

Be gentle on yourself, anniversaries are hard in any circumstances but even more so now. Take your time to process the feelings.

My father died 3 years ago yesterday. D-day was 4 years ago, so obviously he was alive for that fallout. While I am ashamed that he saw the worst of what I was capable of, I hope he would be proud of who I am today.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad...I know it is hard. I miss mine every day.

My dad passed many years ago and I struggle with what I did because he was a BH and I was the result, yet he loved me unconditionally...

I think your dad would be pretty darn proud of who you are NOW.

Enjoy them brownies and think of how blessed you were to have such a great father.

HUFI, that is an emotional post and you have me choked up here just thinking about my dad and how grateful I am he is still with me.

Your dad would be proud of you and all the work you've put into R and for helping out other broken souls like myself trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. Most importantly, your dad would love you, mistakes and all.

If you can imagine this, my dad was on a father / son trip with me on DDAY. He was in shock, he was not proud of what I had done, he has NEVER condoned what I did, but he loved me, faults and all. He reminded me to learn from my mistakes, be defined by positive action moving forward and that he expected me to put by wife and kids first moving forward.

Looking at your track record, I think your dad knows you've been successful on all fronts since your DDay. Take care on this emotional day.

(((HUFI)))

A big thank you for everyone, virtual hugs and all ...

I took one of my twin boys out for some retail therapy (yes, even some men do that!) and we shared some time and conversation.

He came home a few weeks ago and needs some time to recharge and figure out what he wants to do etc. So, my opportunity to be the supportive father was sort of a deja vu thing cause once upon a time, I also had to head home and lean on my parents a bit when I needed to get my shit together.

Sharing this with my son brought back some good memories of my father too.

HUFI

Edited for spellin

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 2:45 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

(((HUFI)))

Your dad is proud, I'm 100% certain. I lost my dad 19 years ago this month and I miss him every day.

HUFI,

I want you to know that I find your posts sooooo helpful. They are well thought out and well written. Your dad would be proud to know that you can offer support and advice to perfect strangers. I just want to say thank you. I spend alot of time thinking about what you write.

So sorry for your loss, Hufi. Please know that your father would be proud of you for how far you have come in your self-growth. I lost my mom in 2004 and it reopens the wound of loss every time something significant happens in my life that she can't share with me. The only comfort I have is knowing she might be proud of me for the good things I've done.