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I was posting in the ICR forum and came up with a little issue that has been bothering me recently with my WS. I notice, lately that I can't seem to get aroused sexually. I was wondering, does anyone else seem to have this issue with their WS after the affair?

WS Welcome.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 11:04 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

YES.

It's hard to get aroused when you don't trust the person you are with.

It's hard to get aroused, and stay aroused when thoughts of their betrayal are swirling in your brain.

It's hard to get aroused when you allow yourself to be wracked with guilt (which you are doing).

Being intimate is a very difficult thing when you are attempting it with a spouse that has proven to not care about you, and broken your trust in such a deep painful way.

30 years old, and I should be enjoying my Wife and her youth but yet, here we are. Does this feeling last a while, a long time or what?

I wonder this also, but for the WH. DO WH have difficulties? ( not to t/J) same subject.

I am BS. Yes, its takes a very long time to get over, and for me personally, I have to find some new feelings. I dont continue mind movies, but I do think of A, during sex. Mostly, does he love me? Where are we headed? Is he comparing? This will be forever different. Different marriage, different sex, different feelings, different attitudes, different future plans etc. My old feelings dont exist. And its painful to remember them. Evidently they were not real. I thought they were. I didnt know the real H.

With WH having issues sexually, its added confusion. Is it me? The timeline had it starting during EA or PA. Is it guilt? Is it physical? Is it disgust? Is it alcohol? Pick one.

Quite frankly, I get angry again, having to figure out this detail, after EA or A.

Good question of WS. Do they have problems coming back to their spouse wanting to have sex.

My WW said, that I shouldn't compare because women think about the now. I call BS on that one.

My WW said, that I shouldn't compare because women think about the now. I call BS on that one.

Seriously, where does she pull this shit out from?

I'm guessing that whenever there's been a breach of trust, when you may feel insecure, like your being compared, plus the other gazillion things that run thru your mind after infidelity, its going to affect you .

Mine had no problems coming back to me...in fact he claimed to not have reached the "finishing" point with the OW...that he couldn't do it because I was in the back of his mind and that it was really uncomfortable sex with her. Part of me believes it...part of me calls b.s. but who knows. I agree you may not be able to find her attractive because she is a turn off to you in your mind right now. I think you are a rarity because most men are able to easily seperate emotions from sex. I think you have been traumatized by it all. Sometimes I have to make a conscious effort to seperate the two when I'm having a hard day with my WH. When I feel safe with him emotionally I am able to mix emotion and physical together. When I'm having a hard day I seperate the emotion and enjoy the physical aspect of it. Some find it harder to do this and its totally normal.

When we were doing HB'ing, she said she was trying to see if she had any feelings for me still...

Later, we were at her parents house by ourselves and she was like you still turn me on and got all hot and heavy with me.

The last time we had sex was last year. Haven't had sex since and feeling more and more detached from her. She was my first and only and now I ain't getting any....

I was emotionally invested in her and I never really separated the two. It's always been like that for me. The only time I could separate the two was using porn. When it came to the act, I always thought of expressing love and being able to surrender to them completely. The bond is severed and feels un-attainable.

I was surprised to see how quick I am no longer interested in sex.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 12:42 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

Maybe this is a good thing for you LS. Maybe you are detaching and your heart is still trying to catch up to your logical brain. I find it interesting that your ws, after not having sex for so long, suddenly is all hot and bothered by you. I think she feels that you are breaking away from her spell and she's trying to see if she's still capable of pulling you back in.

Actually... When my WH came off porn, he had a little bit of issue with real sex. I guess about two weeks into HB, he started having an issue staying aroused. His guilt didn't help either.

Are you on any anti-depressants?

Is she remorseful? Doing what you need?

That was months ago. My WW is just not doing it for me anymore. It would take a lot if work in her part to get me to a sexual place with her. I think about what she did with the other men, where she did it and how often and here I am getting scraps.

Sex life was nothing to write home about but there were moments which were great but now it's like "if you want to live have sex with your wife or we shoot you in the head."

I would walk up to the gun and hold it so they can't miss. I hole she doesn't try to get sexual on valentines day.

Normally, even I knew a girl had sex with someone it wouldn't bother me but this is like unbelievable.

It's also humiliating to think she probably had the best sex in her life and gave the best and here I am getting vanilla... Ehhhh.

I'm going through a phase where I want sex from my remorseful WH. Not to bond, not related to R, but just because I want it!

But then when it's happening, I realize he's not doing it for me. Thoughts pop into my head about "them," and he just frankly doesn't turn me on right now. I don't know if he ever will again, way too soon to tell. Had I been a man, my ED would have given me away! As it was, I just put him out of my mind and went somewhere else, mentally. So I basically used him for his body and I do not mind saying so.

I'm going through a phase where I want sex from my remorseful WH. Not to bond, not related to R, but just because I want it!

But then when it's happening, I realize he's not doing it for me. Thoughts pop into my head about "them," and he just frankly doesn't turn me on right now. I don't know if he ever will again, way too soon to tell. Had I been a man, my ED would have given me away! As it was, I just put him out of my mind and went somewhere else, mentally. So I basically used him for his body and I do not mind saying so.

That too me is funny. I would never think women are like that, but I understand at this point.

Yes

And I don't know how to change it.

Sad thing is I want to connect with her on that level but it feels like I am setting myself up for a disappointment. She really hasn't changed to the point where I feel safe...

I think I lost my man card...