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Confused,

First, congratulations for confessing and at least giving your husband the opportunity to also decide what he wants, but it sounds like you are really not sure that you want to live a in monogamy with your husband. I believe from what I have read that this has been your only affair, but you mention that you are not sure if you want to be in the single life. You better sort that one out QUICK, or you better ask your husband if he wants to R with you dating other men.

Once he gets past the anger that will surely come, I am sure knowing this all occurred in your home will also be a tough one for him to get over.

You are in a tough spot, but you should NOT move out. Your AP's spouse knows about the A, but if their situation deteriorates, you may be tempted in your current state of mind to reconnect. You need NC which will be much harder to do if you haver no one in essence watching over you in some manner.Also, your kids do not need this turmoil.

Since your husband did not kick you out and apperars much more calm for now, you should be able to work this out in your house, but that will never happen if you do not come to the conclusion that you do not need this kind of attention from any more men.

Also please keep in mind that while I'm being honest with my husband there are things I can not tell him but I hope I can share here.

I'm having difficulty reconciling this statement. If you're being honest with him, how are there things you can tell us, but not him? Honesty is refusing to mislead someone. That means not lying, but it also means not withholding, correcting them when they make a generous assumption, etc. Wishing you both well on your journey!

[This message edited by obliquestrat at 9:49 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

Hi Confused! I just want to say congrats on taking the first steps to living authentically.

I think a good place to start in IC (and I have to admit I agree with the other posters about finding a new one) is:

Why does part of me want to be living the single life? I have a great family and a great life so why would I trade that just to “date” and experience other men? It’s my insecurities driving that I think, I want to be wanted and needed yet that fades away fast so what is it that I’m needing or searching for?

IMHO I think that those feelings were probably a contributing factor in your A. And if so, it's definitely important to uncover, understand, and address the root cause of your insecurities.

Best of luck to you and your family. Sending you (((hugs))) and strength for the journey ahead.

[This message edited by TennisTC at 10:25 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

Great move in confessing, confused. I hope it works out for you and your BH in the long run.

Although I understand the underlying concern, I'm not sure there's enough information from your posts that would justify all these opinions that your IC should be fired. More context is needed. It's possible the IC was saying that happy, well-adjusted people don't engage in the type of behavior that puts an otherwise happy marriage at risk, not that there's never betrayal in good marriages.

You might want to clarify that point with him or her when you get a chance.

Best wishes.

I have been thinking about you and happy to see you were finally able to post.

You have chosen the hard road but I hope it will be successful for you.

My BH was the first to realize that I was mourning the loss of XAP and I hope your BH will see that as well.

My BH had terrible mind movies - they were almost debilitating for him. The only thing that helped him was EMDR therapy. It was like night and day for him.

As far as details, I would tell him only what he asks to hear for now. Everyone processes things differently and he may be better able to cope without knowing everything. Mine asked endless questions and it was so stressful to me that our therapist had us come up with a time each day that he could ask me questions. That way I wasn't on edge all day waiting for a new question to come up.

I would be leery of moving out just yet. Is there another room you can sleep in? I have heard stories of the Waywards moving out and coming back to find the BS changed the locks and filed for custody and D. Not saying yours would do that but it could happen.

All that said - just be there for your BH. Hug him when he needs comfort and give him space when he needs that instead.

I truly believe you can have a better marriage after going through this. My BH and I 2 1/2 years out and both admit our relationship is stronger than it ever was.

Kudos, Confused.

You have your foggy, withdrawing, mourning self to change, heal, and grow. And a hurting BS to help through your actions. No easy task. I'd like to echo suggestions to stay. If you want R, then fight with every resource you have to be with your BS. And make sure he knows that intent.

If I did one thing right on DDay it was to tell my BW one simple and true truth: that I wanted to come back to myself, her, and us.

The rest of my waywardness hasn't been perfect, linear, or what I envisioned (including my confused and pathetic "NC email" which brought me here) but it has had that premise as a solid foundation.

Congrats and best wishes to you on your difficult path.

JD

Confused,

Right now he’s making it too easy for me to just be here, like everything is ok. I want to be able to tell my husband that he’s the one I want completely but when I do it’s not very believable as I am wishy washy which I know is not good.

I'd like you to think about this^^^^

Where does the complacency come from? Does it feel more comfortable when something is a challenge in order to feel worthy? Anything that comes easy cannot be of value?

Why is it important for you to struggle in order for you to appreciate what you have?

Some really difficult questions (that I'm trying to answer too) but I recognise the low self worth in your post and how it's hard to take someone seriously who really wants you.

Just something to think about or bring up in IC.

I think in my sick messed up mind I feel like I am not really paying for what I've done, so to be thrown out, or maybe not literally but some sort of reality check it would make me come to my senses. He's making it too easy and I worry that it wont allow me to realize what I could be missing out on. I know that it sounds backwards but I guess it's like a drug addict having to hit rock bottom before they can pull themselves up. While I don't "really" want rock bottom I need to feel the hurt more.

I think when your spouse confronts you and gives you and option then and there it helps snap people back into reality a bit more. In my case I executed and manipulated everything. Even the confession and so I just feel like I'm not getting the magnitude of what I've done and worry I might find myself in the same spot down the road. yes I'm going to IC. Sometimes 2 different therapists in a week. I need him to get tough with me but I think he is too afraid right now of losing me.

To answer some other questions: I am being honest with my husband about anything he asks and sometimes more. Things I want to be able to share here are not things that will be helpful in my R with my husband in my mind. If I have a big trigger and miss my affair and cant seem to pull my mind out of it, I'd like to come here, not for sympathy but for someone to say "we get it, we know it's hard to let go of something that felt good" I can't talk about that with my husband as I'm already wishy washy. but I still need support.

AP is not living at home anymore. He is in his own home and the divorce papers have been started. Yes there is that temptation, I won't lie. But I fight it knowing that it could never work out. I remind myself how great of a family I have. It's hard though as I was living in fantasyland last year, taking vacations with AP, hikes, dinners etc and all fairly often. I know it's wrong and I'm trying to get over it all and get my head back to where it should be. I've started that road and I will fight for it, I just think it will take me longer to see the light than maybe some others that had AP's that ended up being a nightmare. That wasn't my case. I had two mostly wonderful lives going at the same time. I just couldn't handle it and the guilt started getting to me. yes I am selfish, I'm working on that. I'm not even close to being the person I want to be. I just try to remind myself to take it easy on myself so I don't spiral into depression. I am trying to be there for my spouse as much as I can. It's not natural unfortunately. I'm not a touchy feely person and he likes that. I am trying to give him the security he needs right now. I am trying and I could do better but need to take my own steps in order to make it more genuine. and my husband is in IC also trying to sort out his feelings about everything.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I do appreciate them and while I wish I could say I was further along in my mind for remorse and for reconciliation I know it's just going to take me longer, but my hope is that when I get there it will make it even better since it will be real and genuine.

When you start thinking about going over to AP's place, or you start thinking back fondly on your time with AP...consider redirecting your thoughts to your children and their future.

Imagine you decide to D your BH. Five years from now, at your oldest child's high school graduation...what does that look like? Are you sitting there next to your BH, both of you beaming with pride as your child receives his/her diploma, swapping stories about the boy she had a crush on in first grade? Or are you sitting a few rows away from BH, and his beautiful, classy, physically affectionate wife. Because let's face it Confused, he's an awesome catch.

You, though? Do you think you'll be sitting side-by-side with AP? A cheater, who if he cheated on his BW will most likely cheat on you? Or will you be with some other random guy? Or alone?

What about your daughter's wedding? The birth of your first grandchild? Who do you want to make those memories with?

BIL got D'd (not due to infidelity) when their kids were in elementary school. Not only are the kids (especially the younger one, the daughter) kinda fucked up, but BIL regrets that he can't sit around with the mother of his children and reminisce about "do you remember when they were little and they..."? Yeah, he remarried, but those kids' lives? No way to know how they would've turned out, but I'm guessing the daughter wouldn't be twice-divorced before age 30, if she'd grown up in an intact home.

I wish I could say I was further along in my mind for remorse

It took me fully 7 months to shed a tear of true remorse, so I can relate.

I never post here because I don't want to say something to get me band. I think what your BH is going through right now is survivor mode. He is thinking I don't want to be a part time dad and right now he is doing everything in his power to keep the family together. This I think will be short lived and the anger will kick in then you may see the rock bottom that you are looking for.

To answer some other questions: I am being honest with my husband about anything he asks and sometimes more. Things I want to be able to share here are not things that will be helpful in my R with my husband in my mind.

Key part: "in my mind." I'm a BS, and I want to know everything, including those kind of details. When she tells me, I accept it, and it helps me understand her frame of mind and increases my trust in her. When she doesn't, it does the opposite. Others might not want to know everything. The important part is to find out what they want to know, and then tell them, even if you think it isn't best for them (you). They get to decide!

A few thoughts/questions.

Are you put off by your BH response? What response were you hoping for?

Do you respect your BH? Or no, because he is being too nice.

I too think he is in shock. I remember beig angry that my BH was being so civil and nice to me. I thought he didn't care. I told him some things about how I really lurved the AP and that lit the anger fuse.

AP is not living at home anymore. He is in his own home and the divorce papers have been started. Yes there is that temptation, I won't lie

You are withholding this info from BH, choosing not to tell him things you feel he can't handle. but if he knew how you still pined for AP, I would bet you would see a less affable reaction.

First, on behalf of all the betrayed’s out there, I want to thank you for being brave enough to confess to your BH. I wish my FWW had had the courage. I found out from her AP’s BW, and that really sucked. Better than living a lie, but everything that came later was harder because my WW didn't tell me. To this very day.

Now, gently, hitch up your britches and calibrate your TT to your BH’s needs, not yours. I know you don’t want to hurt him anymore than my WW did me, but the deed is done. You fucked another man. The train is off the tracks, and you’ve lost control of the throttle. Let him modulate the pace, but hold nothing back that he asks for. It is especially important to be able to offer up that which paints you in a bad light, not just the justifications. Show some humility.

Take it from one who knows, anything else only multiplies the hurts. Sometimes, the BS needs a certain amount of TT for their own sanity, but it is not for you to decide how much. You took away the most important thing in their life, your fidelity, and you have lost your right to choose for them again. For a long time.

I understand you’re grieving the loss of your AP, I saw my WW go through it too. Like you, she was "having a great time", didn't want to stop, and missed him when she did. Understand that this hurts your BH beyond measure so show compassion and don’t rub it in, but it is a fact that every betrayed must come to terms with.

Unless your BH kicks you out, which may yet come once the anger hits, don’t leave. Even in your grief, this will help show him who you chose, after you chose badly.

And last, you didn’t have an A to “make your marriage better”. Maybe, if you do everything right, and your BH is loving, and compassionate, and forgiving, and tough as nails and stronger than a bridge, maybe just maybe this will be the outcome. But it won’t have anything to do with your choices, it will have everything to do with his.

My W’s A was over 30 years ago. She’s graduated from WW, to FWW and back to W. I love her deeply. We have a good marriage. Better? You have got to be kidding.

ETA Removed 2x4, Mods are right.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 1:45 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

Welcome back.....have been wondering about you & how you both were doing!!!!

As a BS, I really commend you for confessing. I know it had to be hard for you, but you did the right thing. You took his feelings into consideration and that shows who you are as a person. Kudos to you and I pray that you both heal quickly!

I have told him everything he wants to know. He knows AP is in his own home and I told him the area he lives in. What I want to share here that I don't want to share with him is the pain in missing the relationship I had last year. I'm not sure it's even the AP that I miss, just the fun and excitement of feeling excitement. I've talked to my husband about this but I can not keep talking about it. He knows I had a great fun time or I would not have kept it up.

There are things I wish he would ask me but I can't force him. When I mentioned that AP and I would often video chat at night together for hours he told me that was something I didn't need to tell him. I'm not sure if he really meant that but it told me not to tell him what he doesn't ask for. He has asked me if there is anything else major that I think he should know and I tell him I think he knows all the major things....which he does. However yes there are still things that he should ask me but I dont want to throw it on him when he's not ready for it. He knows I have all my emails still available but has not asked for them. He hasn't even asked for my password to my phone. He is trusting me. He will ask when I go out if I am really going to where I say I am and I always reassure him or ask if he wants me to send pictures of where I am or talk to the friend I am out with. He says he doesn't need that.

My husband said after 8 months you probably told each other you loved one another too. It wasn't really a question but a statement. He has never asked how much we had sex or where. He knows it happened at both our homes but that's about it. He knows all the general info but not the specific. I'm not sure why he doesn't ask. I'd want to know but then the details would kill me.

I think what 20wrongs said is what I need to do and try to think about how things will look if we do split up. Part of me probably has lost some respect for my husband for not being tougher with me. I don't really know how I feel. It's not like I really want my ass thrown out but at least it would show me he is serious and I need to step it up. Again I just don't know and I am so wishy washy and I know that's not good for him right now. I try to keep my wishy washiness to myself but it has a tendency to rear it's ugly head.

I have to agree with this:

Now, gently, hitch up your britches and calibrate your TT to your BH’s needs, not yours. I know you don’t want to hurt him anymore than my WW did me, but the deed is done. You fucked another man. The train is off the tracks, and you’ve lost control of the throttle. Let him modulate the pace, but hold nothing back that he asks for. It is especially important to be able to offer up that which paints you in a bad light, not just the justifications. Show some humility.

And now might be time to start letting go of the illusion a little - that you had two pretty good lives, or that your AP may somehow be a teensy bit better than the garden-variety scuzz-bucket who cheats on his wife. (Can I say that?)

You are still very foggy, my dear. Consider reading "Not Just Friends" and if you keep coming back here, you'll get a lot of support from people who have been there.

BS's...

This is not the forum to vent and/or swing 2/x4's.

@confused43,

I know that wasn't easy. Just wanted to say I'm glad you took that step. I never got the truth from my xww.

Part of me probably has lost some respect for my husband for not being tougher with me.

My wife left me while I was out of town on business, filed for divorce a month later, completed the divorce two months after that and moved out of state a month after that.

Two months after all that went down she woke and that is when I found out about the A. 48 hours later we were planning to get remarried and we did so the next month.

I was too nice, right?

Anyone that knows me respects me for my integrity and values. Nobody that knows me would say I'm no push over. I wasn't too nice. We had some major, whopper, F Bomb dropping fights as we worked on reconciliation.

Yes, I was immediately 100% committed to R. Yes, I had been working on me and was there to help her work on her. But to suggest I wasn't tough and didn't deserve respect is way off base. It takes an incredible toughness to survive infidelity and come out the other side a better, stronger man. I obviously don't know your husband, but I can say that what you've described of his reaction so far in now way suggests a lack of toughness that would warrant any diminishment in respect.

In my opinion, you are over thinking this whole thing. You can't categorize how he is "supposed to have acted" at this point because there are too many variations on how people deal with these kinds of stress bombs being dropped into their life.

He deserves for you to help him heal. You do that IN THE HOME. You absolutely have a right to decide that it isn't a marriage you want, but do the work now - for HIM, for YOU and for the marriage.

Dig in for the long hard slog of healing. Down the road you both can make decisions about your future. But work on the healing now. It will do you BOTH good in the long run no matter what you decide to do in terms of your marriage.