ExWBF said in our last gchat that he had started talking about our relationship in counseling...the IC he was supposed to get during false R but never did, and apparently is doing now. He said he thinks I'd be interested in hearing some about it, and asked if he could sometimes email about it, not expecting responses from me. I said that would be okay and that I'd let him know it if became too much. (I am not great at crickets! Or certain 180 aspects, even now that it's over, obviously.)
Of course I've been checking my trash compulsively (I filtered his emails to go in there. More of a gesture since I still look and retrieve them!) since then. He usually sees the IC on Tuesdays so I kept thinking maybe he's written...maybe he's written. Then I looked at his facebook page this afternoon(unfriended, so nothing to see, I was just scratching the itch of seeing if he was still friends with a friend of mine--i.e., will he notice me being in touch with that person? Will he have to remember I exist?) and saw he had updated his profile picture. It was a selfie taken outside near some bridge yesterday. Not any place in NYC where we live, so maybe this is the week he was traveling out of town for business. Which means...no IC yesterday. And that's his decision, his schedule, his life, nothing to do with me anymore--but I was still devastated to think, a) that he is living his life so totally apart from me that I have no idea where he even is any given day; b) here I am waiting for a breakthrough from an appointment he never had, investing myself in hoping for something from him, when I know all he does is disappoint me again and again.
Anyway. Here I am, setting myself up for disappointment for no good reason.
I'm moving my stuff out this weekend, seeing old friends, making new ones, trying to mourn the betrayal, but my heart has not caught up with my head yet and I feel so stupid for that. Like I'm pretending to have made all this progress but really, nope, still not detached.
Ughhh.
