Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: LonelyandUnsure

Divorce/Separation :
Teenagers and parenting plans

This Topic is Archived
default

 myowndystopia (original poster member #41340) posted at 3:54 PM on Saturday, February 15th, 2014

I have a meeting with lawyer on Monday and I'm sure as we work on the MDA we will discuss the parenting plan for my one that is still a minor- DD15. Those that have teenagers- what do your parenting plans look like and what do I need to consider in this part of the D? What's working and what's not working?

Thanks to all!

Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele

posts: 408   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2013
id 6687014
default

iamsoblind42 ( member #42022) posted at 4:31 PM on Saturday, February 15th, 2014

Ask your kids what they want. Mine said they wanted to spend 1 week with WH each month and 1 weekend. WH agreed because it was not what I wanted but what the kids wanted.

I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 44 (then 42)
WH: 50 (then 48)
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched

posts: 237   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Colorado
id 6687066
default

Gemini71 ( member #40115) posted at 6:30 PM on Saturday, February 15th, 2014

The kids definitely get a say at that age. Since I have kids in grade school, middle school, and high school, we put in the agreement that once they are 14 or in high school, the kids can choose whether or not to have their parenting/visitation time with the non-custodial parent. This is mainly to allow for school activities and homework projects etc.

DSs 21, 16, 12
About my Ex:
IDK
IDC
IDGAF

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

posts: 3406   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois, USA
id 6687182
default

Merlin ( member #30221) posted at 6:35 PM on Saturday, February 15th, 2014

Week-by-week lessens the impact of being "suitcase kids".

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

posts: 1164   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2010   ·   location: East Coast
id 6687188
default

inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 6:39 PM on Saturday, February 15th, 2014

My oldest turned 18 weeks before the divorce was final, so as it turned out, he wasn't part of the parenting plan. Younger son was 15 at the time. Both are now 18 and over, so they (and I) have no legal obligation for visitation with their dad any more. Not that we ever actually followed it, to begin with.

Ex didn't question going with the standard visitation agreement. Of course, at the time he was so wrapped up with being with his soulmate shmoopie that he had ignored both boys for months already.

What the reality turned out to be - I stay out of whatever relationship the boys have with their dad. All communication is between them, unless it involved finances (medical/insurance expenses mostly). Younger son did a couple of overnights at his dad's the 1st year, but nothing since. Both boys went on vacation with their dad/OW once, to visit family on ex's side, and came home swearing they'd never do that again. And now, once or twice a month, the boys will have lunch with their dad, or go over to his/now-wifetress' house for the afternoon.

It's not anything I ever discussed with their dad, but it seems we were both on the same page about letting the boys decide when and how they wanted to spend time with their dad. It could be I'm being way too generous here, and giving ex credit for something he never even thought about. But hey, what we've been doing works for my kids, and that's what's important to me.

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

posts: 13294   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
id 6687194
default

 myowndystopia (original poster member #41340) posted at 7:30 PM on Saturday, February 15th, 2014

Thanks- I'm kind of thinking the same. Just didn't know how rigid the parenting plan has to be at this age. Because she is the youngest with adult siblings (including a married sister with kids) I see the need for lots of flexibility! I'm hoping he is going to see that as well. And really there is nothing worse than making a 15 year old girl do something she doesn't want to do! Example- holidays- we will both have to work around older siblings schedules just as we have done in the past but now it involves one more gathering, one at mom's AND one at dad's. And I like getting all kids and their SO together frequently - and IF he were ever to do that well of course I would want DD15 to be involved. Just not sure how that is written into a plan

Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele

posts: 408   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2013
id 6687240
default

GreatRoleModel ( member #36809) posted at 8:17 PM on Saturday, February 15th, 2014

Mine refused to listen to the kids. They were in 8th and 10th grade at time of separation now in 9th and 11th. The schedule is EOW until monday morning and then he gets 5 of the 11 weeks in the summer and holidays are alternating. My kids hate it and they would prefer one weekend a month and then a 1-2 weeks in the summer. They have tried to tell him that they want to come on sundays and he will not budge. They have dinner visitations during the week if they are available but no overnights. Everyone says the kids have a say but ultimately if the kids do not cooperate then he can sue me. The kids have asked to go before a judge but I really do not want that for them, they already struggle with their father and I think that would damage what little is left of their relationship. If you have a spouse that will listen to the kids that is great, but my NPD ex refused and proclaimed they need their father time.

BS (me)
XNPDWS
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!
“If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.”
― Robert Frost

posts: 493   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2012   ·   location: USA
id 6687281
default

Bluebird26 ( member #36445) posted at 5:00 AM on Sunday, February 16th, 2014

My kids were only 11 & 8 at the time we separated. The ex wanted 50/50, I did not. Neither did the kids. We eventually agreed on a parenting agreement that they have to go to their fathers EOW and half school holidays.

Now the x hardly ever follows the schedule, he is rarely ever on time to pick them up, refuses to take them, claims he is working when he isn't, but he knows I can't afford to take him to court over it. That been said he threaten on a weekly basis of legal action because I don't follow the court orders when the kids refuse to go with him.

I really wished we had the flexibility of kids choosing once they get to a certain age of who they want to visit/live with. The kids hate going to their fathers.

Oldest DS is now 15 he goes through periods where he refuses to go and wants nothing to do with his father. I get caught in the middle of their drama even though I try my hardest to stay out of it. I am always the 'bad guy', either I am breaking the court orders by allowing him not to go and stay home or the ex believes I am turning his children against him if I stay out of it.

Good luck this is so hard.

Me: BW

Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.

Life's good.

posts: 1530   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2012   ·   location: Australia
id 6687741
default

devistatedmom ( member #24961) posted at 2:55 PM on Sunday, February 16th, 2014

My kids are now 17 and 14. When we did up the agreement they were 13 and 10. We put in the agreement 2 overnights during the week, and EOW. Both kids went. Then, he moved away and couldn't do the weekday overnights anymore. They became dinners only. Then the oldest refused to go many weekends because of sporting events. XH moved closer again and wanted his weekday overnights back. Both kids said no. He brought it up to them first, and they both said no, so he couldn't "blame" me.

Now, DS 17 rarely goes for the overnights. DD14 goes most of the time. Both kids beg off the dinners during the week as much as possible.

It makes me tough on me because most of the time they beg off at the last moment...so I think I only have to cook for me, then at 4pm I find out one of both kids are staying. Of course he loves it when I look a little annoyed at the situation, and plays on it to the kids that I don't "want" them here. I keep asking the kids to please tell me in advance, not at the moment I think they are going, but they don't get it.

So, if I were you starting this with a 15yo, I would ask 15yo what they would like, and that is what I would put in the papers. Just know, at this age, it probably won't be consistent or smooth. older teens have jobs, projects, homework, girl/boyfriends, and just stuff going on with friends. If my XH lived close by, it might be different, but with the way it is...I try to let the kids work it out with him. It does and doesn't always work.

BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.

posts: 5921   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2009   ·   location: Canada
id 6688012
default

kg201 ( member #40173) posted at 4:17 PM on Sunday, February 16th, 2014

We just agreed to Fri to Fri schedule, but a huge part of the plan is the daily activities (who picks up, drops off, etc).

But my 16 year old has a lot of pull in my opinion. Fro example it is my weekend with the kids, but my 16 y.o. Wanted to go to NYC with his mom for her birthday, so I let him.

He is going to be trying to get his license in the next few months, so I assume he will make some of his own choice once he can drive. He's a pianist, and I assume he will be going to the house with the piano to practice no matter whose night it is.

So definitely work with your child to figure out what they need, if your ex is also on the same page about this.

Me: BH, 40
Her: Ms. Daisy
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, living together
Dday: 7/28/13
Ds17, DS12, DD12
Divorced! 2/24/2015
Apology. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

posts: 1155   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2013
id 6688095
default

 myowndystopia (original poster member #41340) posted at 7:39 PM on Friday, February 21st, 2014

This is the language we have proposed in parenting plan- draft 1 for day to day schedule as well as Christmas and thanksgiving.

The parties agree to be flexible regarding the parenting schedule and will communicate weekly for the purpose of arranging time for DD15 and father to have time together depending on everyone's schedule. In the event the parties cannot agree, the father shall have time with DD15 the first Saturday of each month.

I know....very loose but what I wanted as I think it will work best for us - unless he goes bat shit crazy. I think initially he will be too wrapped up in OW to do much of anything and with DD15 anxiety and depression we need flex time!

Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele

posts: 408   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2013
id 6695766
default

Phoenix1 ( member #38928) posted at 9:51 PM on Friday, February 21st, 2014

My youngest was 16 at the time of the D. Visitation was left entirely to her discretion, and all travel expenses paid by XPOS (he moved out of state). The reality is that she wants nothing to do with him. At that age, they should simply be given the choice.

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 9059   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 6696042
default

 myowndystopia (original poster member #41340) posted at 11:25 PM on Friday, February 21st, 2014

Pheonix 1- that's our thought is she will be the one arranging it. If its on her terms she will be more likely to go. Her dad won't haul her around to meet with friends anyway and that's what will be important to her!

Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele

posts: 408   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2013
id 6696176
default

Must Survive ( member #34533) posted at 12:18 AM on Saturday, February 22nd, 2014

Didn't even do a "parental plan". DS was 14 when STBXH was kicked out. Did not want anything to do with his father. It is in our agreement that I have 95% physical custody and that DS(now 16) can decide when he wants to see his father.

First 2 years almost nothing. No overnights except for 1 weekend camping. About every other Saturday they now go have lunch or a movie.

DS16 has not met OW#3. Still says he will never meet her.

I am not involved at all with their schedule. STBXH calls DS on his cell phone and arranges. DS16 does not "ask" me, just lets me know if has made plans with his father.

Holidays are the same. This past Christmas was the first time DS even saw his father on Christmas. For a total of 30 minutes! First holiday since D-day they even saw each other.

STBXH lives 5 miles away, but a million miles from our lives.

Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorced-Let my new beginning start

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen

posts: 1066   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2012   ·   location: Must Survive
id 6696243
default

scarednbroken ( member #41961) posted at 1:25 AM on Saturday, February 22nd, 2014

This is a big concern of mine also. I spoke quite a bit during my consultation about it. My WH has proclivities that make me concerned about DD15 being with him alone. I wanted to insist that one of the boys is always with her. The oldest will be 18 by then so he won't be required to go. And he doesn't want to see his dad at all....bc he knows. L said at 18 he won't be required.

I am hoping that parenting plans can take many forms.

BS: Me 47 WH: 54 Kids: 17, 19, 21, 32 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

posts: 423   ·   registered: Jan. 7th, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 6696320
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy