and feel so ashamed of myself.
QS and I are planning a short family trip. We've been in communication with a friend and they have opened up their home to us during our visit. They took it even further and offered free child care so QS and I could take full advantage of the city, and enjoy a couple hours alone. I jumped at the idea. (Who wouldn't!?)
But the more I thought about it, the more fear and panic welled up within me. Do I really know this person well enough to let my children stay with them? Maybe I should do a background check on them. What if they have been covering something up? What if they aren't really who I think they are? What if my children are hurt? What if, what if, what if?
I was frozen up in fear, doubting the lodging, the trip, the whole 9 yards. This friend is dear to us. They're long distance, but super close. If that makes any sense. There has never, ever been red flags. Ever. So why the panic?
It's not the first time someone has offered to keep my kids. All the other times I've rejected the help. Because of fear. What if something happens to my kids? Mother has drilled it into me. Strangers are bad, even "friends" cannot be trusted with children, family and close friends are the ones who hurt your kids the worst, Even "church" friends and family cannot be trusted, be extremely picky on who you let keep your kids, never let them stay overnight with anyone, never let them out of the house alone....on and on it goes. So who can I trust? According to her, nobody.
Example: Was called up for jury duty this month. So far, I've gotten off the hook and not had to report in. A friend just around the corner from me offered to keep the kids if/when that changes. She keeps her grandson and he would love company. It would save me 2 hours taking my kids to my sisters... Anyway, I have been scared to take her up. Why? Because according to Mother, her boys (18 and 20) are creepy. No, they just aren't her "ideal". They are artsy, they think outside the other box. That doesn't make them child molesters and rapists. I was thinking last night, I have watched them interact with DS. No red flags. But the fear has held me back.
As I was sitting there stewing last night I asked myself, "Why is friend's sons bad? Why do I feel they are bad? What have they done to raise flags to me?" Answer? Nothing. Anything negative I have heard about them has been told to me by Mother. There is no evidence to support her suspicions. (Not only that, but she doesn't like the parents. Automatic strike there.) It's her fear. Her mistrust. And lets be honest here. She doesn't trust anyone. Not even her own husband. So....how I can I completely, or even halfway, trust her judgement on anything???
I read "Protecting the Gift" a while back. It helped a little, but I don't think it sank in completely. I still had the influence of FOO breathing down my neck, feeding the fear, causing me to doubt my judgement.
I'm going to read it again. I'm more removed from FOO. There is NC and I'm beginning to think more clearly. Maybe I can read it and absorb it fully. Embrace it fully.
Jesus, I'm so tired of the fear. So tired of not trusting anyone. Automatically believing the worst about everyone because I've heard Mother voice her suspicions. It's no way to live. I hate that I'm one of "those people".
Paranoid, over-protective, and suspicious. I want to change. It's hard.