: ) thanks Getting to H:
I am practicing my “be gones”.
I can certainly enjoy myself without him, it is the overshadowing of this latest information that spoils my happy. But I am going to just make it an all about me weekend if he comes home and continues the shunning. (But the shunning always hurts)
I had known that he had not given the whole truths, but this phone with the 2009 date really kills. I had thought it had been a few months earlier than what he said -2/2011, I had thought it had probably really been the end of 2010. To find this phone with the last number having been dialed in 11/2009, and to show, if I read it correctly, 770 HOURS having been used before that, is hard to wrap my head around. I had told him I had found new information that made me heartsick and his response is silence?
I do want to get this phone analyzed. Actually, he gave me the one phone that was the only one he ever had, so he said, in September, It was broken apart so I thought it was useless and then later remembered that DUH it might have a SIM card still in it. I can’t find it now, he may have taken it back but I am going to look for that also and take them both somewhere.
I did not get any call back from his psych. That was disappointing.
He def knows what buttons to push on me. Be angry and righteous, defensive…she will back off and question herself, maybe even apologize.
Tell her how bad work is when she says she is hurting…she will feel she has to be understanding and comforting.
And remember if he gets really angry, it's because he is guilty. A loving and remorseful person will admit when they are wrong and try to make amends.
So true this /\/\/\
I want to say this to him and his psych, that when he becomes so agitated and upset at questions it really is a coverup. His psych he says, tells him—you are doing the best you can—but I think psych is being snowed.
RippedS: I am sorry you have to deal with so much on your plate! You have a good attitude about making sure you have other places you turn to and not just him.
I did not know about the cocaine until two years after he first started. He says it was on and off but he really seemed to have been convinced that it “helped him”. Seems to think he was/is not an addict. His psych and brother recommended a treatment program but he says he does not need that, that he just needed to stop and stop contact with OW. (I am not entirely sure this is true, that he stopped contact, can we ever be?)
Is S-Anon for spouses? I had considered this but he is very dismissive of this being such a problem for him I wasn’t sure.
In all you say to do, waiting and waiting for the change in him, showing him how loved he is….are there any consequences for him? Aren’t the consequences supposed to be what causes the learning to take place? I am confused about that….don’t know what the consequences would be in my situation….certainly don’t want to be a taskmaster, punisher, mother-figure.
It is great that your H has been the best ever in the past year. I wish I could say the same. I think this year or past two years have been the worst ever. But he says he wants to go back to when he was a good man. He says he is trying to get there.
I am trying to empower and safeguard myself. I so want to feel safe, not afraid. I can wait for him to keep working on himself, I just don’t want that to be happening while he is still hurting me.
This has been very rambling. He still is not home, not called all day as he usually does to check in. He knows that is what he is supposed to do. But it will probably be my fault that he hasn’t.
Hugs to you all for helping me.