SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm hurting so badly right now and I can't seem to shake it.

Last week I saw an email come up on my fiance's computer saying that someone had viewed his pictures in a dating website. I went to the site (very obscure one) and found an active profile with very old photos and information. I asked him about it and he said he had seen the email and that he must have just never deleted that particular profile because he really never used it. Ok... Understandable. Deleted and done.

But of course I let my imagination run away with me. The next morning I found myself looking at old emails of his. I found one from November of 2012 where he was making an appointment to see an escort. At this point we had been dating for a few months and had just recently said "I love you" for the first time. My heart went into my stomach. Four days after an amazing email telling me he was falling in love with me he made an appointment to see a prostitute. In the emails he also had to send vetting information (photo and drivers license scans) since he had never been with any other "ladies" before therefore had no references. So this was not an impulsive email. There were several follow ups.

I looked up her website, saw she was in town for the time in question.

I stayed quiet for a couple of days and finally confronted him on it. I had to pull the information out of him and he finally admitted to making the appointment and sending the information but said that he ultimately didn't go. I am choosing to believe him as there is really no way to prove one way or the other at this point. He got very upset during our exchange and tried to leave the house but couldn't drive because he was crying. I've never seen him cry. EVER.

I know that this is not as dramatic as a lot of what I'm reading here but i feel the same sense of betrayal. I'm confused that he could even contemplate having sex with a prostitute during what I consider to be one of the most magical times of our relationship. He doesn't have an answer. Says he didn't know why he did it... He had emailed her once before when he was single and got an email that she was going to be in town. He said that he ultimately realized he was bring a complete idiot and didn't go.

I can't talk to anyone. The wonderful, completely trusting relationship that we had will never be the same. It's not ruined.... But I will never feel the same way about him again and that makes me so sad. He's going out of his way to make me feel wanted and loved right now and I do appreciate it... But it just sucks.

I guess I just wonder if he can make an appointment like that when things are good, what could happen when they're bad? Or do I chalk it up to the fact that we were very early in our relationship and leave it at that? Even I didn't know at that time that I would want to marry him....

So I guess I'm just looking for some feedback from those who feel the same way. Thank you for listening.

Hey. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Regardless of what he tells you, you need to go and get an STD test. The truth is, you don't really know what he did, and you need to protect yourself.

Have you checked anything else? Other email accounts, facebook, text...?

The SI community is absolutely awesome! The support you will find on here is a life saver! We are all here for you! :)

Thank you. Yes, when I found that email I checked all other email accounts, text, etc. Nothing else in sight. He's part of an online Facebook forum and everything he says about me there is lovely and there is no sense of him flirting, etc. of course I HATE that this has made me "that person" who checks up on his stuff. I really don't want to have to do this!

I was tested for STDs about a year ago for a work thing so I'm all set there. Thanks for the advise though.

I'm sorry you are here. I'm not sure you should just take his word on not following through though! I would seriously put this relationship's path to marriage on pause. You don't want to be looking back heartbroken in ten years wishing you had gotten out when you discovered this. I'm not saying you have to break up with him this second. Just proceed with caution, move slowly, and protect yourself.

I just wonder if he can make an appointment like that when things are good, what could happen when they're bad?

This would be where my mind would go too. I think it is a perfectly reasonable question. And the answer "I don't know why..." not very reassuring.

Assuming you were intimate at that time, even if not committed or leaning toward marriage yet -- why an escort? Is he into porn?

I know he has watched porn when I'm traveling and is looking to get a quick "release". I've used porn on occassion myself when I'm alone and that doesn't bother me. Its not with any sort of regularity. He doesn't erase his browsing history and I've never seen anything that shows any sort of online porn.

As far as the escort is concerned he just said that it was something he looked into when he was single. And That when he made the appointment he didn't think it through.

As far as not taking his word for it I hear what you're saying. There is simply no way at this time to prove or not prove that he did it. So not sure where I go from here. I know the email exchange they had indicated that he didn't have any "references" so i believe that was his first inquiry. I've checked all his email accounts back to when we started dating and looked at Facebook messages and history (this all before I confronted him) so I feel pretty confident that this was a one time thing but there will always be that little bit of doubt.

He got very upset during our exchange and tried to leave the house but couldn't drive because he was crying. I've never seen him cry. EVER.

You'd be amazed at the Academy award winning performances cheaters will put on when they are caught. Do not allow his crying to sway you. Most of the time it's just a tactic to divert your attention from the issue at hand.

There is simply no way at this time to prove or not prove that he did it

Have him take a polygraph. That will help you get to the truth.

If you were not steady in the picture at the time, and you've uncovered nothing else, I'd say let it go. Chances are, if no repeats were found he's telling the truth. Or, if not, maybe at least he's decided its not for him.

Trust your instincts, if possible. May be tough right now, but you probably have a pretty good idea of the kind of man he is. You are not yet married, so that's also part of the script.

I echo lieshurt on this one. Ask him to take a polygraph. Even his reaction might be telling.

Also I agree with the crying. Putting on a show is cheaters 101. Let me tell you this. My WH when he got caught balled his eyes out and looked me in the face and lied, lied,lied with tears streaming down his face. At that moment he said "I made a mistake, I fucked up, we kissed". Ok, so after more digging through emails and filing cabinets It was so very obvious he had sex with OW multiple times. He came home and cried so hard he was blubbering, hyperventilating. "I didnt want to hurt you by telling you the truth, we had sex once but talked (EA) for 6 months." After more digging It became obvious this was an LTA-confronted him and he was hysterical (if you knew my FWH youd know how out of character emotion is, he was a pro athlete and was always stoic and non emotional) So he was absolutely hysterical and admitted to 18 month affair and sex 3 times. Very long story short after a month of digging I discovered his 3yr long affair and his profiles up on casual sex sites. Each time he was so emotional and would admit a little more but he was lying and only willing to reveal anything if I found proof. So please disregard the tears of your fiance.

This is a tough one . You are not married so part of me says put the brakes on and be certain, 100% certain. You do not want to be looking back on this wishing you had made a different choice. I for one do not understand someone going through sending in information to set up an appointment with a prostitute with multiple email exchanges, etc and then not following through. My gut just doesnt like that and I think your instincts are telling you the same but your choosing to take him at his word because it would be too painful for the truth to be he met with a hooker. As was suggested above ask him to take a polygraph and see if he jumps up and agrees or if you get the "I told you nothing happened, why dont you trust me? Why are you being so insecure, etc." His reaction could be very telling. If he agrees follow through because it will give you immense comfort going into marriage with him.

Sorry you are hurting.

[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 11:35 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

Get tested for STDS, especially HIV every six months for a while..

Agreed with you all. This has been a real eye opener. I told him this morning that I wasn't feeling good about his answers so far and that tonight I want to talk about his motivation. What made him decide this appointment was a good idea (even IF he didn't go through with it). I need a much better answer than "I don't know what i was thinking". He had to know. Because he spend five days thinking about it.

I'll keep you posted. God, I feel so sick.

So instead of asking him for answers spur of the moment where he just couldn't seem to give me a satisfactory answer I finally asked him to think for the day. Why did he make the appointment? What was he thinking? Did he think about me at all? If he ultimately didn't go through with it, why not?

We talked that night and he told me that at the time we had not been together that long (true) and he made the appointment thinking that it was a one time thing (an experience he had never had). He said that deep down he really didn't think he would keep the appointment and that ultimately he thought about me and that he thought there was a good chance that things were going to go somewhere with us so he decided not to go. OK. It's not the best explanation I've ever heard but ill take it. I'm going to choose to trust. I also told him at that time that I was owning the fact that I had gone through his stuff but that I felt justified in doing so based on the email I saw. He agreed. I said, "I have nothing I feel the need to hide from you.... Is there anything that you feel you need to hide from me?" He said no.

I also thanked him at that time for being so open about leaving his phone and ipad around..... That he trusted that I wouldn't go rifling through his things. Then I jokingly said "unless of course you've deleted all your email accounts" haha. He said that he hadn't.

Great week. Everyone happy and moving on. Lots of hugs, lots of I love yous, lots of reaffirming stuff. Awesome.

I was thinking about the emails though. Wondered if he had deleted the one from her. So I took a look. The whole account is no longer a shortcut on his phone. All other email accounts are still there. Shit.

So now I'm trying to figure out how to ask about it. What justification do I give for looking on his phone again? Do I see if I can find the account somewhere else first? He is super-tech savvy so I have to be careful about how I approach this. This just completely sucks.

Im in a very similar situation. In Nov I found an escort agency in my fiances browsing history. I checked thru years of emails and basucally found evidence he'd seen escorts in the past, when he was single. Cant prove whether the most recent time was "just looking" as he claims, or if he avtually saw one. Like you, we have an amazing, loving rekationship. He offered to take a polygraph. I just chose to move on believing him, and have checked all his phone/internet browsung since and never saw anything.

Heres my concern with your fiance:

1. He went to the length of actually emailing his ID/personal info to an escort. Tgis is very risky (ie he risks getting arrested). Im not sure he'd take that far of a step if he wasnt sure he wanted to.go thru with it

Im in a very similar situation. In Nov I found an escort agency in my fiances browsing history. I checked thru years of emails and basucally found evidence he'd seen escorts in the past, when he was single. Cant prove whether the most recent time was "just looking" as he claims, or if he avtually saw one. Like you, we have an amazing, loving rekationship. He offered to take a polygraph. I just chose to move on believing him, and have checked all his phone/internet browsung since and never saw anything.

Heres my concern with your fiance:

1. He went to the length of actually emailing his ID/personal info to an escort. Tgis is very risky (ie he risks getting arrested). Im not sure he'd take that far of a step if he wasnt sure he wanted to.go thru with it

Sorry, hit reply too soon.

2. The dating site. Before he deleted it you shoulda looked in detail at the account for recent usage, date joined, etc

2. The fact he's now deleted an email account from his phone (if I read correctly). I would insist on access to this accoint and all his accounts. Tell him its the only wa gain trust.

Do u have access to his phone bills? Thats a great resource. I would ask him if he's willing to take a polygraph, and even find a link to a local service. His reaction is what you need to look at. Also, look at his emails from tge years before you met, to see if he's solicited escorts before meeting you. Hats very important. I highly suspect he has, if he felt comfortable sending his personal info to one.

Ultimately, I am still with mine, but keep a very close eye. I hate it has to be that way, but THEY betrayed our trust.

Good luck hun. Keep me posted on what happens.

Just re-read your update, and yes deleting that account from his phone is huge (esp since you made a joke about that). I think you first try to find it on his phone, to see if its there but just doesnt have a shortcut. If you cant find it then say in frony of him that you want to see that email acclunt again to assure yourself and ask him to show it to you. If he refuses, or makes excuses or gets mad, tgen he is hiding something. When yiou ask to see it, make sure its "then and there" so he doesnt have time to delete things.

GetThruIt:

"...he finally admitted to making the appointment and sending the information but said that he ultimately didn't go."

I don't mean to be a discouragement, but are you absolutely certain that he didn't go? Is his word your only proof? If so, I'd strongly encourage you to do a little detective work to verify this. Others have suggested polygraphs, and that's certainly one way to get a bit of peace of mind. Whether you take that direct approach, or use more subtle methods to verify the truth, I join the chorus here saying you NEED to know it.

You are not yet married -- and you have a whole life ahead of you. You have seen a glimpse of what betrayal might look like-- even if only in the form of what appears to be a near miss.

The pain of a full on adulterous betrayal -- whether one year into a marriage or thirty-- is so, so agonizing that you should really do the work now to be sure this man is worthy of your commitment.

Yes, even people who appear totally worthy, people who give NO troubling indicators for years, can stray. There's no true "affair proofing" a marriage when either party can choose to break faith at any time, for any reason...

But marrying someone who has already given you very serious warning signs is an even bigger leap of faith. Make sure you truly want to make it-- because if he betrays you down the road, you will look back at these early warning signs and hate yourself for not having taken them seriously enough.

I found a similar email exchange between my husband and an escort last jan. She too mentioned that he had no references. He was trying to talk her into seeing him. My husband swore he never met with her that he'd never done it before couldn't go through with it. I chose to believe. We'd been married for 22 years and had three children, what choice did I have. I still just felt like he was lying to me so I kept snooping. Eventually I found something three months later. A text exchange between him and someone that looked sexual. I googled the number and it was an escort! Then began googling every number texted and called for the past 18 months found escorts in the double digits. After confronting my husband and things settled down I asked if he really didn't see that gir. He said no cause he didn't have references. You see he had been seeing them for 15 years and she was the first one that insisted on them. What I'm trying to say is just because it looked like it was a first it doesn't mean anything. I'm on my phone so its hard to really write what I want to say. If you want to talk pm me. I can say that over the last year I've become an expert in the matter. There are tons of ways for guys to hide their activities with prostitutes especially if they are tech savy like you say yours is.

I'm sorry. This is very upsetting.

We so want to believe them. It's so much easier to look the other way. Believe me I've done it only to get broadsided later.

But you need to delve further into this. What kind of a guy goes to prostitutes when there are so many non-pros available?

Does he not respect women and he prefers to have a non-relationship with someone just to have sex? Is he a selfish lover? With a hooker the guy doesn't have to worry about her needs.

It can be very dangerous. Sending DL information, etc can so easily lead to a bunch of bad stuff. It's very risky.

And that's not even getting into the health issues.

A grown up mature man with a loving partner just doesn't need to go that route unless they are screwed up inside. Just like the married guy that cheats - he's broken.

Also, please realize he has admitted to only what he knows you know, and not one iota more. 99% of times there is more - either more instances, or more involved in the one incident.

Do you share or have access to his bank statements? If so, check them out for that week in time. Like the above posyer said, check his phone bill (not call log, but actual bill). If you dont have access, tell him that you'd be able to move past this easier if you were able to see these records. His reaction to that will tell you a lot.

He has already lied about not deleting ail.

Id also check some dating and hookup sites for him being on there.

Basically, Id put marriage on hold until.he can