the people who come back are not representative of the whole. As in, only the sad and hurting ones come back to check in, the happy ones have forgotten all about SI. At least that's what my self talk says to calm me down.
I don't think anyone, ever, has forgotten the A in their relationship, or SI. I'm much farther out than my profile suggests. I was actually too angry to think there was any advice for me anywhere. I'd already read about a dozen books, watched conference lectures, looked up websites, bought online self help guru crap, etc. There was no message board that offered anything. Oh, how wrong I was!!!
So, I'm over 3 years post DDay, and nearing 4 years of the end of the EA (well, more like 3.5 years). I'm happy. My marriage is, for the most part, much better than it was before. My husband treats me so much differently, so much better. All of his resentments are gone. We've worked through the issues we had. Are we perfect? Nope, and that's ok. No one is perfect, nor is any marriage. But, we are happy. We do more as a couple than we have in a decade. We spend a part of every day reminding the other how much they mean, and how much they are loved.
So, you may ask, why am I hear. Well, for one, I've grown found of several people here, one of whom is giving me an amazing birthday gift!!
Also, I really like helping, or trying to help. I remember, vividly, how lost I was after DDay. I thought I was abnormal. I thought I was really insane for reacting the way I did. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time. I would wake up in full on Rambo mode, running downstairs to 'catch' him (doing what, I don't know). All of it was classic post DDay stuff, but I thought I was nuts. I literally cried when I started reading 'After the Affair' by Janet Springs. In it she discusses these post DDay reactions. Finally, I knew I wasn't crazy. I was normal. If I can help one person get out of that feeling, or any other feeling, then I'm happy to be here.
WSs do so much damage, both by the cheating, and then by the rewriting of the history, the ILYBINILWY talk, the false R, the fence sitting, cake eating, mean saying things. I wish I had been here, so I would have known that it was him, not me. That these were common statements, and that he was protecting himself and his ego by trying to say I was a bad person so his EA was ok. This is another area where if I can point out to just one person that this happens, and maybe help them to see that these things, while hurtful, are normal, and that they are lies that most WSs say, then I'm happy to be here.
I'm not expecting to come back in a week and change my mind. If I couldn't come here, I probably would be just fine. But as I said, I really enjoy the opportunity to help people. I know some very happy people that have R'd and they're still here. I also know some people that D'd right away, and they're still here.
We all have our reasons, but to say it's out of unhappiness, or that those that are still here are still in 'need' isn't the case. Well, let me rephrase that - To say that those that are still here need to be comforted about the A, is not true. We all need something. I enjoy conversations with those that have experienced some of the things I have. Unfortunately, I've experienced infidelity. Everyone here has as well, on one side or another. I enjoy chatting with everyone here. I like helping. I like learning more. I like the people here.