Sorry if this is a t/j, but I had to add my 2 (probably worthless) cents here:
Morhurt: As in, only the sad and hurting ones come back to check in, the happy ones have forgotten all about SI. At least that's what my self talk says to calm me down.
I understand that you are saying this to calm yourself down. If it helps you that is fine.
I, on the other hand, find it reassuring when I see the Vets check back in and give us "newbies" much needed advice. Especially, the veteran WSs giving me, a new BS, their insight.
When I first joined, I had the mindset of "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I could not even look at the Wayward Side. After a few weeks, I found myself reading their forum. Now, I read the WS forum more than any other. The veteran WSs give me hope that my WS (who is FINALLY doing the necessary work) will not be a repeat offender.
Now on to the real topic:
Chicho: I observed and experienced that for R to work both partners need to work independently and together on all three:
1. WS healing
2. BS healing
3. M healing
I agree that all three things are needed for R to work.
I also think that those who say they are in R too soon are rug sweeping. My WH and I are only 3 months out from DDay. I don't consider us even close to beginning R. We are both in IC, MC, AA, Al-anon and reading up a storm. He wants to R, I don't know if I can love him again. We are both doing the work on ourselves. Still, there are some days I feel that I will never get off this roller coaster.
I refuse to consider R, until he shows me that he will:
1. Consistently work on his sobriety
2. Consistently work on his FOO issues;
3. Consistently works on our M;
4. Consistently works on finding his "whys" for the A; and
5. Consistently work on the damage he caused me by his A.
cantaccept: Both parties have to give 100%
The bs has to work on themselves, constantly, examine the role you played in the marriage. Not saying by any means that is contributed to the a!!! Just how it can be improved, deepen intimacy (not just sex!) Rebuild yourself, rebuild that self love, respect for yourself. Discover in yourself what you need to feel safe and willing to expose your heart again.
And this, too. I, as the BS, need to do my work before considering R. I feel this includes:
1. Find out who I am...not just Mom, Wife, Spouse of a Drunk, Betrayed Spouse, etc.;
2. Find the root of why I allowed my WH treat me horribly and why I stayed with him;
3. I need to own my part in the M; and
4. I need to deal with my own FOO issues.
As I said, I will not even consider R, until we both are consistently working on our healing. I will do my work and quietly observe him. That is the only way I believe a true R will happen for us.
(sorry for the long reply)