Tikcuf:
"FORGIVENESS IS ABOUT ME, & ME ALONE"
I agree with a lot of what you've said here, particularly the self-empowering aspects of F(!), yet in reading this, I think you might consider substituting "Acceptance" for "Forgiveness".
I love the power you are claiming here-- and all Betrayeds NEED and DESERVE to feel empowered after enduring a trauma that robs them of worth and a sense of agency.
If we found our value in the love of our spouse, and they betrayed us, it destroyed our self-worth. We MUST reach a place of empowerment, through Acceptance, that allows us to see what is obvious to many, yet hidden from us; namely, that our Spouse, by betraying us, is the unworthy one, not us.
And yet, in the best cases, we aren't only ones who realize this. Our Wayward spouses do, and WHEN they do, it can produce Contrition, and a longing for Forgiveness.
(And on THAT note, forgive me, Tikcuf, for my upcoming ramble!
)
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Forgiveness, then, isn't solely about the self, no more than Contrition is.
Forgiveness involves two (or more) parties- Offended and Offended. One party has wronged another, often grievously-- whether in marital betrayal, dishonest business dealings, slandering behind their back, acts of violence, and the like.
In such cases, the Offended has three productive options which can lead to healing from the Offense.
1) Acceptance
2) Passive Forgiveness
3) Active Forgiveness
(Unproductive options include Denial, Self-Blame, etc., none of which can produce real healing.)
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ACCEPTANCE
Put simply, this is acknowledgment by the Offended of the Offender's wrongdoing without granting Absolution for it. I won't criticize anyone here who refuses to grant Forgiveness to their Wayward-- because I know it's a very, very difficult thing to do.
I would only note here that, in certain cases, a Wayward Spouse (the Offender) might experience overwhelming feelings of Contrition-- the sort that produce agonizing guilt and self-loathing. They long for true Forgiveness from their Betrayed, not just Acceptance, in order to feel some relief from that torment. A refusal to grant Forgiveness can, in such instances, potentially undermine Reconciliation.
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PASSIVE FORGIVENESS
In certain instances, Forgiveness is not sought by the Offender-- yet still, it can be granted. It will not be valued when it has not been sought, and yet, by granting it, the Offended can experience emotional release (freedom from resentment, bitterness, etc.) Though it is thankless, it is self-empowering, even liberating. There's real freedom in it, though often, when the Offenses are great, it is not easily given.
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ACTIVE FORGIVENESS
In the best of cases, the Offender has become convicted of their wrongdoing-- they feel Guilt, Shame, sometimes even Self-Loathing as they consider the harm they have inflicted on the innocent Offended party.
The Offender seeks, desires, often even needs the Forgiveness of the Offended in order to assuage their Guilt, and possibly reconcile the relationship and party damaged by their Offense.
In such circumstance, Forgiveness is actively transactional. The Offender offers Contrition to the Offended, seeking Forgiveness in exchange. They not only apologize; they grant promises of Restitution and assurances not to repeat the Offense, as well-- both meant to demonstrate the seriousness of their Contrition and the earnestness of their desire for Reconciliation. These demonstrate their recognition of the value of the Forgiveness they seek (and by extension, the worth of their Offended).
Forgiveness, if granted, is a gift-- granted in grace-- from Offended to Offender. It substitutes Mercy for Justice (or its evil twin, Revenge) and ideally, it is viewed by the Offender as a priceless, unmerited gift. The greater their Contrition, the more precious the Forgiveness is to them.
In the best of cases, that undeserved Forgiveness has the power to change the heart and future behavior of the Offender.
This is, for a Betrayed spouse, the best possible reward for granting Forgiveness. It can produce a transformed spouse; one who becomes a better person, having seen the agonies they unleashed when being a worse one.
I wish it happened more often than it does, but WHEN it does, it can make the gift of Forgiveness truly priceless for both.