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I've been thinking about this topic lately. Whenever we get new people on here, both WS and BS alike, we always give out the 2-5 year healing timeline.

I sometimes wonder if it'd be more helpful to just say "5 years" is how long it's going to take to recover.

I know that some people recover before the 5-year mark, but I've also seen a lot of people who *think* they've healed/recovered/reconciled at 2 years or so and then come back at year 4 wondering why they "still can't get over it???"

I imagine that when most people hear the "2-5 year" thing, they subconsciously assume that they're going to be at the shorter end of that spectrum...I just wonder if it'd be gentler on the BS to assume that it's going to take the full five, that way they're not freaking out when it's like a year and a half out (where I'm at, more or less) and they're not yet "healed", however that looks.

On the WS side, I think there are many WS who assume the 2 year benchmark as well, but from a different perspective...something closer along the lines of "Ok, I just need to be the *perfect spouse* for two years"...that doesn't necessarily mean going back to affairs, I just mean that there is a reversion into normalcy in year two that can seem like a setback. For remorseful WS, whether it's 2, 5, or 10 years, they're going to do the work regardless.

For unremorseful (or really-good-at-faking-remorse WS) the "This is going to take 5 full years of your life" approach might be enough to get them to cut bait earlier and save some BS the heartbreaking situation of false R. Maybe that's overly harsh, but I think most of us would agree that if a BS HAS an unremorseful WS, it'd be better for them to know sooner rather than later? The only thing worse than being cheated on, IMHO, is being cheated on, trying to reconcile one-sided (even unknowingly), wasting X amount of years of your life, and ending up in the same spot as you were after DDAY1. YMMV on that front, though.

I'm just curious on other's thoughts and opinions on the topic, I'm not saying I'm altogether correct.

I agree with you.

I don't think hardly anyone is feeling healed or reconciled in two years unless they are rugsweeping.

For me, I am 3 1/2 years from Dday and I am just starting to feel like I don't need to talk about it a lot or tell my husband every thought I have about it. And yet, sometimes I still do. Just not every time, or even most times. It took over three years to get to that point. And after two years, I started to be hard on myself because I wanted to be that person who was okay after two years. So that additional pressure I put on myself just added to the angst.

On the other hand, how discouraging for new BSs to read that it will take five years! My gosh, I didn't know how I was going to survive the first six months in the beginning! I certainly didn't want to hear that it would take five years for sure!

I agree with you that the WSs should expect it to take five years though. If they cannot sign up for that, they should get out and free the BS to move on.

Just yesterday I was thinking "I wish I hadn't got my hopes up about being healed in 2 years, because I am definitely on the 5 year plan"

In the 18 months I have been reading on SI it seems to me that very few people heal in 2 years, quite a few seem to feel a lot better at 3 years, but even they don't generally claim to be fully healed at that point.

I think that a 3-5 year healing timeline is far more representative of where most of us are at. In fact if I reply to newbies in future I am going to mention 3-5 years in place of the usual 2-5 year timeframe.

I feel that I have perhaps put myself under too much pressure to try to be healed at 2 years. Just recently I have had moments of feeling that there must be something wrong with me, I'm nowhere near healed and 2 years is just around the corner. As of now I am going to try to relax about it and accept that I am on the 5 year plan.

Agreed! We're setting ourselves up for failure by expecting a two year recovery. I think telling people you're going to float in hell for a year may be more helpful. The everyday hell definitely lifted about 10 months in for me, and I would say mostly due to my personal work on myself and working very very VERY hard to be happy, see joy, engage in activities I enjoy, and live life.

I do fear the loss of living time too. What if I find out I can't do this after 4 years, or 5, or 6? That's when I really see the importance of finding joy and peace NOW! TODAY! This is all we have, this moment right now, is all we can be sure of. Let's look up, see something great, and chase THAT feeling!

If the WS is holding out information or using TT, the time line for healing resets. My H TT me for a long time so instead of being 3 years out from DDay in healing, we are really only maybe a year into it. It takes both spouses to be fully into the R in order to get to a beginning.

Also, for those who are really digging deep into the relationship to get to the center, the processing can bring new insights that are quit painful to bear and cause us to step to the side for a while, delaying the push forward. I believe it to be beneficial in the end, but it lengthens the process. I would rather take the time to come out better in the end than push for a faster shallow resolution. We all want the pain to subside, but I also do not want it to be in this pain for no change or gain. I want to come out wiser. If it takes longer, so be it.

Would I like the past three years to be different? Absolutely. Try as I could, I could not get my H to trust in the real process. Now, with the help of SI, he sees what he did post DDay set us way back and he owns it.

We may be on the 7 year plan. ;(

I heartily agree with all of the above.

Lovedyoumore, we are also on the 7 year plan, for the same reasons. If I stick it out that long.

I imagine that when most people hear the "2-5 year" thing, they subconsciously assume that they're going to be at the shorter end of that spectrum...

Awww, spoken like a true optimist.

As a card carrying member of the Cynical Pessimists Who Carry Umbrellas On Sunny Days Club (or CPWCUOSDCC for short), I heard the 2-5 years and multiplied it by 3. (aka I get 15 years to resolve this shit.)

I agree that "5 years" sounds better and may be more realistic, but it was my experience as a newer member that there were people who were downright offended if you implied that it was going to take them more than a matter of months to climb this mountain and get to the other side.

At the end of the day, the numbers are meaningless. We all have our own path, our own relationships, personalities, quirks, hangups etc that are going to be the true measure of how long it takes to feel healed. 5 years might sound terrifying to a newbie who is hemorrhaging pain and emotions, and I've found that the 2-5 diagnosis offers marginal truth with major benefits in terms of some kind of guideline.

I think the median is probably closer to 5 than 2 years. The downside of saying just 5 is that it might turn a lot of people off the idea of going for R.

I definitely don't call myself recovered yet or R'ed, but I felt so much better at 2 years than on D-Day that I had approached being recovered, in a mathematical sense ... the last small part of the journey taking up the majority of the time.

That's just my experience, though.

We're almost at the 5 year mark and we are nowhere near "healed."

So, for us, the journey continues, and, in Dr. Phil's wise words, "It takes as long as it takes."

I agree with you that the WSs should expect it to take five years though. If they cannot sign up for that, they should get out and free the BS to move on.

...and from the perspective of a remorseful fWS: The BS is always free to move on....it's his choice to work on his healing or not. My H has struggled immensely with this.

Here is what I found for myself - there is no "plan". Just think about your garden.

It's like a garden that you first cultivated with wonderful potting-soil and mulch within your marrriage. You had a few pest weeds to pull-up but they didn't grow too deep. Then, a tornado came along and blew in a hurtful weed seed that you never saw in the garden before. It overtook everything of nourishment that had been growing for years. But, you love the location of your garden and you would like to continue with the growing of it. However, that one weed can persist in popping-up forever. It is the same soil, but the garden has been altered for life. Now, you must tend to it, to some degree, right along with the beautiful flowers that bloom in the same soil.

If you basically desire to keep your marriage growing, you just have to know that your marriage will forever be influenced by this weed-of-the-affair. The hurt can subside to almost nothing for a long stretch of time. Then, something will spark it and it sprouts wild-thinking for awhile (that's when I come here). After I complete that cycle, I am settled with it for another long-while. I am still close and connected to my garden. My roses still outgrow that weed. I do feel that the roses will always have a pest in that demon of a weed. I see it as a process toward healing, and not, I-am-healed".

Yes, it is possible that you could go for my seven years since Dday and then decide that your hurting craziness can only be ceased by your departure (so far, so good in our working it out together). Whatever the time, it is individual to you. I don't have a time-limit at all for complete healing. I don't believe my hurt is ever going to be completly overcome. But, I am happy in the direction it is going. Everyone has their way to achieve a peaceful mind. If in reconcl., you reach a point that becomes impossible to maintain a contented "mental" quality of life for yourself, then it took that amount of time to know. That same "gut" that got you into this mess will help you make good decisions.

"Did you ever turn a corner? And, you wonder why you did? Cuz you haven't been that way now, since you were but a kid. And nothing really happened, but still you've got to say, that I wonder what would happen had I gone the other way." song writer - John Stewart

It does happen that the overloaded & obbessive thinking does change to a more shallow degree. The roots of the weed are not as stubborn to just be stuck in the ground of your head for every single minute. That weed gets easier to pull because of the "new" relationship you are building with your spouse. He continues to plant more varieties of good thoughts that grow alongside with that one pesty weed. That weed doesn't grow as wild as it used to, but it still grows in my garden - and, it has thorns.

Now, if your WS is just terrible at tending the garden, please don't hang-out for years doing back-breaking work and thinking that they will plow-a-row. If you've gone a short while and there is no helpful change in attitude on their part, just shut the gate and walk away.

May you all find peace on your garden path.

Its my opinion,for what its worth, that nobody ever gets over it. There is that trust issue thing. Couples who stay together learn to live with it and IMHO that sums it up. Discouraging, I know but I believe it too be true.

I leave you my best wishes in your recovery.

<edit> A quarter of a century makes even seven years sound like a piece of cake, to say nothing about how even five years sound.

[This message edited by IsthereEVERanend at 3:30 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]

When I read 2-5 yr I immediately thought, "I will be on the 10 year plan" AND honestly believed it ~ That's the pessimism in me.

As it turns out things are going better than expected.

How long will recovery take?

If you mean recovery in R I believe much of that answer can be found within your WS.

As a wayward, I've never found the 2-5 year timeline helpful. For several reasons;

Firstly, everyone is different and heals in their own way.

Secondly, each infidelity and each marriage is different. While all similar, no two are the same.

Thirdly, what I'm working towards isn't temporary. After 2-5 years I'm not going to 'go back to normal'. The changes I'm making to myself will last a lifetime, I am a work in progress and I will never stop trying to be a better wife, mother, person. Even 40 years out from Dday, I will still be doing what I'm doing now.

I think the 2 offers hope even if it is a false sense of hope. IF I read 5 from the gate I would have said f-this I'm out. I'm not dealing with this for 5 years. Trying for 2 is easier to swallow. At two years its "maybe next year". At three years its only another commitment of 2 more years to get to the 5.

I remember in biology class that the skin of the human body completely sheds and replaces in 7 years. For some reason 7 years to get completely rid of the AP's touch is a day I look forward to in my A befuddled mind.

Personally, I think this will be a never ending process. I hope it gets better along the way. There is a bit of me that feels we are doomed to repeat our history if we get too comfortable. I hope that does not sound too cynical, but my fears get the best of me since being blindsided.

I remember in biology class that the skin of the human body completely sheds and replaces in 7 years. For some reason 7 years to get completely rid of the AP's touch is a day I look forward to in my A befuddled mind.

^^^^awesome!!!!

I'm closing in on 5 years in April. I think 5 years is realistic with a remorseful spouse who wants to make it right and who will do whatever it takes to make it right. I think 2-5 years is accurate for explaining how long it will take to someone just in the throes of those first weeks, days, months of the searing white hot pain that just doesn't stop. 2 years sounds less dauting than 5 years at that moment.

I suppose 2-5 years with a remorseful WS is a good time table for how long it can take before it stops consuming you and the pain stops being front and center. However, I'm with the group who says it never really leaves us. It just stops hurting as bad and as often. Talk about not offering a new person a ANY hope.

At 3 years out, this makes me feel hopeful; that all is not lost; that we can still make it. Because we did choose this; we chose to reconcile rather than not. But it does have its stages. I feel it is in my BH's court.

Yet, at 3 years out, with the sense of normalcy, I am thankful for my growth but wishing for his, as a BH. I am proud of the new coping mechanisms I have, but as we "normalize" so do earlier feelings of inadequacy, undervalued, and exploited surface. And yet, I feel guilt for his unwillingness to get help with the recurring issues.

My mother says he must not truly forgive me yet; and that while he certainly does at times he also struggles with pride issues. Certainly, he had the opportunity for infidelity but would have never done it, yet it was done to him.

@Lots of hope:

I respectfully disagree with you saying that the ball is in his court. You, yes, you alone with the help of your AP put your spouse in this position and to say that you have done your part is, IMHO, rather callous.

To not very gently apply the 2x4, especially if you wish to save your marriage, you need an attitude adjustment. YOU need to work 300% if necessary in order to save your marriage no matter how long it might take.