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I would suggest a schedule. NOT "whenever you want." Two reasons: whenever HE wants does not protect the kids from more episodes like this morning. Also, the kids deserve some stability. They will be able to miss daddy if they know exactly when (and not when) they will be seeing him.

You are separated. It is for the time being, not "his house." He has chosen to live elsewhere. He needs to get the "stuff" he needs and then respect the boundaries of separation. This is the hard tacks of the 180.

He is angry because life is not easy for him right now. He had the married life and the fantasy life and the excitement of driving both of those worlds. Now it has all blown up.

Your WH is being a total ass. Worse, he is showing it in front of the kids and then waltzing out to leave you to deal with the fall out.

I remember feeling like a schedule would hurt me because "whenever he wanted" was so seldom. But the schedule just limits the opportunities for him to "want to see them." Does that make sense? I felt like giving him EOW was worse than what I had without a schedule. But it wasn't. He seldom exercises the full amount of his parenting time. But I have a schedule that I don't have to justify 15 minutes before trying to walk out the door.

If things come up that are during his scheduled time? Then send him an email that says Billy's birthday party is at 2pm on (your Saturday). He will either the children, or he won't or he'll ask you to do it. But you will know, the kids will know and the anxiety response will hopefully drop off.

(((hugs)))

This is such a difficult time and you sound so bewildered with his behavior. You will never likely "understand." Shoot for managing what you can.

Please please move up the lawyer appointment. You need to get a court appointed schedule and clarity on the house and financial situation ASAP.

Have you already moved half of the money from the joint account? If not please do so.

He is the enemy now and should not be treated in any other way. Be tactical. Be strategic. Protect yourself.

And maybe get a recorder for when he is in the house so you have a record of what happens. You may end up needing a RO. He is not stable right now and these mantrums are unlikely to improve. Especially once a lawyer is involved.

You may also want to have some friends/family to be with you when you interact. And be firm on the schedule.

I'm so sorry.

I guess what I'm thinking is I'm afraid of his accusations of "you're keeping my kids from me..."

When I eventually get to my lawyer I'd like to be able to prove how much I offered and how little he took them.

Klove

You are still making excuses. The truth is - in the beginning - just about everyone does.

You are looking for that guy you once knew. For something to "snap" him out of this. You think that "I need to be 'more' accommodating and nice, and then he will be nicer to me - or better yet - realize his mistake and come back.

However - it will NOT happen like that.

You MUST start thinking of you and the kids and what you can tolerate and handle - and what you can't.

You can't handle this.

So - what do you do?

You do what these experienced people are telling you.

You be "PROACTIVE". You STOP giving away your power. Because you DO have power. You just need the strength to start exercising those powers.

You start by putting in those interior locks - for your peace of mind and well-being.

You contact your lawyer and set up a consultation ASAP.

You listen to what the more experienced people tell you to ask for.

You do what you have to do. The truth is - the sooner you burst his bubble - the better chance you MAY have of reconciling.

That won't happen UNLESS and UNTIL you show him YOUR strength.

And you do have strength - BUT - you need help finding it.

We are all trying to help you find it.

Can Not Believe

I guess what I'm thinking is I'm afraid of his accusations of "you're keeping my kids from me..."

When I eventually get to my lawyer I'd like to be able to prove how much I offered and how little he took them.

Afraid of his accusations? There's no reason to be afraid. When you talk with a lawyer, it won't matter. Your husband can say he wanted the kids 24/7 and you wouldn't allow it. You won't be punished for that. You can show proof that you offered him the kids every day and he never took them once. It doesn't matter.

Lawyers deal with what happens in the future. Lawyers help develop an equitable schedule that offers stability and order for the children. Who had them when and for how long in the past doesn't matter. The only reason he MAY be wanting to spend more time with them now is because it will decrease the amount of child support he pays. And that doesn't matter either, because child support will be determined on the court ordered schedule of time you each have the children.

[This message edited by one2ndchance at 5:02 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]

Will the court not take into consideration how often I've been the sole person to look after my kids for 7 years while he travelled for work and did whatever he pleased? I have printed off our synced calendars for a year and a half. He has been home, on average 30-40% of the time. I want at least 60% of shared custody- definitely not 50/50. I honestly want to seem agreeable to him because I always told him the kids would be 50/50. I have no intention on keeping that promise.

He makes comments about how he will leave his job so he doesnt have the income to pay me child support and then I'll have to pay HIM. Blah blah blah. But I wouldn't mind lulling him a bit so he had no reason to think I'm going to get more. I assumed the courts would look at past patterns to see how to divide the time. And, I thought, they would be particularly interested in how often he's been taking them since actually moving out?

I do wish he'd snap out if it. I have to admit it. Not sure I could ever take him back, but it would be so nice to have the power to decide.

I think how much you offer and how little he takes them WILL matter. At least, it has in my case, and douche has EOW now instead of the 50/50 Florida is so well known for.

And this is why you refuse to discuss the schedule with him in person. He could claim you said or promised something, when you didn't. ONLY text and email, preferably email as it is better traced and proven, though I have an app that shows all our text messages. Show the judge you have offered him what's best for the kids, a consistent, stable and reasonable schedule, and he has been ridiculous about it.

It's hard to get to the point of rolling your eyes to his accusations and demands, but you will get there. You lean on the pros, lawyers, counselors, and the police.

I'm sorry he's being such a dick. And I'm sorry he's a pod person you don't recognize anymore. But he is the enemy now, and you need protection. You can absolutely legally put deadbolts on interior locks. Install them immediately and go in a locked room if he comes over again. He doesn't need to say anything face to face. It gives him a chance to manipulate you or claim things happen that didn't. Don't give him that power.

The 180 is great because you can't really break the law or get in trouble for saying nothing. It's what you do say that gets you in trouble. Don't defend yourself to that douche, apologize, try to make him see the light, or try to change him. Focus on laying down your boundaries and enforcing them. NO more face to face with this guy.

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 5:37 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]

The first time I filed for divorce, WH worked 12-14 hours/day, 6-7 days per week. When I told my L this, he said we had to take into consideration how much time WH was NOW asking for custody. WH wanted 40%. I knew this was NOT going to happen, but I agreed. When it came to implementing the actual schedule, WH kept saying he couldn't take DD because he was busy. I would say,"No problem. I'll have her." After 4 weeks, I had documented that he had cared for her 6 hours out of that period. My L contacted WH lawyer and told him child support was going to reflect the amount of time WH was actually spending with DD.

These are California divorce and custody laws. The history you have as primary caretaker may be factored in, but that is why you need to consult your attorney to find out the laws in your state.

California law will not allow a spouse to quit employment to avoid child support.

I truly understand how hard this is for you, and my heart breaks for your children. They are the innocents in all this and it isn't fair that they see their father yelling at their mother and treating her so poorly. I understand your wish to have him "snap out of it," but you know that this has been going on for so long that the chances of that are pretty slim.

I know you're doing your best and I admire your strength in doing what you think is best for your family. Hugs

You can add dead licks I was also advised I couldn't change the locks so I just added them this was in the first week - I let him in to talk - hoping for R and while here he took one of the keys to the new dead lock - so again my son inlaws changed them but this time not keys just turn and lock and lock from outside with your key . So be careful to get the right ones - I was more afraid of him coming and taking furniture etc as he moved straight in with her the day he was caught . So if he tries to tell you that you can't add locks you tell him and Everyone you have added them to protect yourself and the kids against breakins etc not because of him!!! If he wants a key refuse as he is not living there and you find it hard to trust etc . It's been 8 months nearly and it's not easy I find any excuse to contact him if I'm being honest with myself - but I am no going to try the 18o - just hope I havnt left it too long and tried to reason etc too much . Good luck

Married - 30 yrs

Kids - 3 - b - 30 - 2 g - 27& 28

Grids - 2 - 10 m - 7 - m

Together - 32 yrs

D/D 31 July 13

Ow - married 3 - 5. Kids - 3 fathers -

Have no idea how long affair was .

Yes, too emotional, imo.

This...

And as for my change of tone...it's not that I stopped caring, Wh. But you've made it very clear that I have to move forward. So that's all I'm trying to do. The pain you are causing me necessitates me detaching from you and making myself ready to move on to a better future with or without you.

comes off not so great. If you are 180ing you stop telling him that you care. When I'm reading that I'm reading that you still care and you are only moving forward because he wants you to, but that if he were to change his mind you'd be there, since you still care. You're still allowing yourself to be a back up plan.

180 means you discuss kids and finances. It does not mean you discuss how he parents or does not parent the kids, however. That was all in one ear and right out the other. He's showing you who he is with his actions and nothing you can say is going to change who he is.

Okay, so now I've read the thread and it confirmed what I expected...

I may be able to move it up- I was just hoping to avoid dropping $375+ an hour if he was going to come back. With a huge list of conditions from me.

Why are you okay with being a back up plan? He is telling you to not text him because he wants his freedom so he can go screw around. He's getting pissed because he wants his cake and eat it too. You are willing to let him do that, why? You deserve better than that! Definitely move that lawyer appointment up, girl!

It does not mean you discuss how he parents or does not parent the kids, however.

Excellent point!

I fell into this trap for a long time. It was about the kids so I felt like it was a fair topic. But all statements that involve "I think" and "you should" or "I wish" really must go. In order to break myself of the habit I actually wrote without subjects in the sentences. Just the facts please.

Nothing you say will help. He will just see that you are "nagging him" and be resistant to the information. He will use it to attack you or to passive aggressively do just the opposite to "show you."

It does get easier! You are doing exactly right by trying to figure out how to navigate. You have tons of support here, cheering you on! I know you can do this.

I can't BELIEVE he says that about losing his income to make you pay, I mean I believe it, but UGH.

Child support is usually based on income from the past three years so good luck to him on that one. They are truly delusional. Don't buy his threats, there are freaking laws on this stuff for a reason and the courts will follow them!

Klove: Did you not hear those noises which sounded like someone in your driveway ? Did it not frighten you ? Wouldn't you feel so much better adding dead bolts to the interior of your home ? Of course ! I had all the locks changed because my friends insisted. Their reasoning: "You may think you can trust him but he is no longer the man you knew, AND you have no idea who the bimbo really is or what she's capable of doing. Change the locks ." I did. And so should you. Either change locks or add the dead bolts. Your wh isn't going to change his tune but you MUST change yours or he'll make you crazy.

And his anger? It's because you're no longer playing his game. He likes his game. He gets all the attention when you and everyone else plays his game. NC ! NC will set you free of his crazy. It's hard at first but each day without his drama means NC becomes easier and easier. ((((Klove))))

STBX: She changed the locks on the house!

Judge: Why did she do that?

STBX: I kept barging into the house to scream at her, forcibly removing items from the home, and to terrorize my children!

Judge: Why did you do that?

STBX: I had to. I don't live there anymore, and she stopped inviting me over for free sex and pancakes!

Judge: Oh, you don't live there anymore?

STBX: No, Your Honor. I moved out! We're getting a divorce!

Judge: So you don't live there anymore, you're getting a divorce, meaning it's not your home any longer. She has a right to secure her home. NEXT!

Ha! Nature Girl!

Free sex is a good one...something I realize in finally speaking out about this POS I've been married to is that our sex life was TOTALLY abnormal wayyyyyyy before OW came on the scene. To the point I was BEGGING for it.

And, um, I'm, um, good at sex. Tmi. And I've been told attractive by all his friends in the fallout of this. "Why would he hook up with this TROLL with such a babe of a wife.

But,like 4 times a year?????

I actually have wondered if he's gay.

At this point I might offer some pancakes for sex.

Ha!!!

Kidding.