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I haven’t posted anything for awhile. I don’t really have much good advice to give others and as far as my life, I have pretty much been in limbo confusion land still. I have looked at a few places to live and think I found a room that will work for me for now. I don’t want to rent anything long term, just a roommate situation for now until I figure out my future more. My husband has been very willing to try and R with me. This is after my confession of my 8 month PA that I told him about in January 2014 and after my drunken verbal abuse several weeks later. I on the other hand am still not sure if my future is with him or not. He really wants to work on the marriage and doesn’t even want to think about me not being part of his future. Here’s my problem and I’ve been very honest with him. I just don’t feel in love with him the way a wife should and I’m the cheater. And this is not new since the affair, this has been going on most of our 15 year marriage. I do love him but I don’t feel the chemistry with him. I know it could be because I still had feelings for AP but those have simmered way down as I’ve been NC with AP.

I still do not feel guilty about the affair and I do not have any remorse. My head does but my heart does not. I wish I could have felt guilty but I really never did. Only when my kids told me I looked pretty right before I met AP but otherwise not too much guilt the entire time. I know what I did was horrible and yet I cannot really feel those feelings. I am a very emotional person who is very caring but for some reason my emotions have checked out of this marriage a long time ago.

I told him the whole ILYBINILWY deal even though I know it’s hurtful it’s really how I feel. By moving out I hope to have a clear mind. The problem is when I move out I need to also tell our kids and our parents since it will no longer be able to be kept a secret. I feel it’s the only thing I can do right now. If I stay I don’t see anything changing here as far as how I feel towards him. Everything looks fine from the kids perspective. Mom and Dad are hugging a lot, talking, going out on dates but they just don’t know the full story. We are going away for a long weekend even in a couple of weeks. Our plan is to keep dating. But I also am feeling like I want to date other guys. I know that it’s crappy and doesn’t make sense but it’s what I want. So as many of you would say then just go and leave your poor husband already, you’ve abused him enough. So I am sort of doing that. I think maybe deep down I wanted him to throw me out so that I didn’t have to make that decision. But he didn’t. Knowing that I have no guilt or remorse I just don’t feel like I can make this marriage what it needs to be to make us both happy. He wants to be loved the way a wife loves her husband and I don’t feel that way.

I know the replies are going to be to grow up, stop being so selfish or yes you need to go you selfish bitch. Yes I get that it all looks horrible and it is selfish, but I am really trying to dig deep down and make some decisions and I don’t feel like I can love my husband the way I want to love a husband. Part of the reason I probably cheated too. I wanted to see what else was out there, and I did.

So what am I looking for from you guys: I want to know if anyone else has felt this way….either a WS or BS. Where you just didn’t have those feelings and hadn’t for a long time. I don’t want to stay together just for the kids. I want to be one of those happy couples, and I think we all deserve to be happy. I think many people hang on to a marriage because of fear or finances. Finances aren’t the issue, it’s more fear for me. I’m afraid to mess up my kids, regret my choice etc. I told my husband that once he starts dating Im sure I will get really jealous and maybe that will make me see him in a new light. That’s horrible though that I need someone else to want him for me to. I know it’s messed up. I’m actually having an MRI done next week to make sure I didn’t have a stroke or something because my thoughts just don’t make any sense even to me.

Finally if you have nothing but 2x4’s to swing then please don’t respond. I don’t need that. I know this all sounds really crappy so I don’t need reminders. Im trying hard to have the courage to listen to my gut, which is telling me I need time away to see if my husband is the one I want to be married to. I think most people are petrified to make such a decision but I’m trying to do that. I could easily go years the way the marriage is but I want more than a complacent marriage, I want to get excited to have a date night with my husband. I have never felt that way though. Much of this stems from us never taking the time to be a couple, we never went out on dates much once the kids were born. Now we both work from home, are great parents and business partners but the marriage is not where I want it and not sure I can get that feeling from him ever.

I am very sorry to hear this Confused. As a BS, I personally could not take my husband dating while trying to decide if he wanted the marriage. Let that sweet man go; be kind to both him and yourself. I feel very badly for all of you.

BS here.

I think that if this is how you really feel about your marriage, then you should make the decision and leave. Don't play with his feelings about going on dates with him or going on a vacation with him. That is making him think that you might still be in the "fog" or that you are confused.

From what you wrote in this post, you really aren't in love with your husband, haven't been for a long time and don't think you'll ever be again, right?

Then do him that favor, really do him that favor and leave him. I don't mean that in a 2x4 way.

I wish my WSTBXH would of been sincere with me right at the beginning - instead of limbo, then leaving - saying that it was the best way for us now, and that he would come back and fight for me.. blah blah, when he knew in his HEART, that he wasn't in love with me anymore.

You see to us BS's - all we need is a little bit of HOPE to continue this endless limbo. Don't continue to give him HOPE if you really feel that way.

When you leave, I would say don't contact him for anything unless it's regarding kids and finances. Remember again - every time you contact him and talk personal stuff - you are giving him HOPE.

Then, IF down the line you do feel remorse, and you now really KNOW that you do LOVE your husband (if it's not too late) - you can then SHOW him by your actions, that you are ready to be the wife he wants you to be.

As a BS - this is what I now wish 3 years later from Dday (still not divorced) what my STBXH should of done - if he cared about letting me HEAL.

Jackie89, thank you for your reply as that is exactly the kind of stuff I really need to hear. I agree he will hang on to any hope I give him and I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. I have tried to be brutally honest even when very difficult. I swear he must have the thickest skin or something to be able to still want me.

Then, IF down the line you do feel remorse, and you now really KNOW that you do LOVE your husband (if it's not too late) - you can then SHOW him by your actions, that you are ready to be the wife he wants you to be.

This is exactly what I'm hoping for. Because then I can really mean it and feel it. Right now it's not genuine. I don't want to say things to him just to make him feel better.

He told me early on that he needs lots of hugs and reassurance. I told him I can do that but I dont want to give him the wrong idea either. I know he will hang onto any little bit of hope so I am trying to make sure not to do that.

I do really hope we end up together one day (I really do like him), not sure if that will be 6 months or 6 years or maybe never. I couldn't have asked for a better dad for my kids that's for sure.

Does your husband know you are planning to date other men before this works itself out. He is already hurt badly and you need to be truthful and end this if you need to. Forget about the selfish behavior of the affair. That is already done.

It is even more disrespectful to give him the impression that you are still considering R and the. Go out and sleep with other men.

Get divorced and do what you want and the. You can have some honor in your behavior. Don't destroy him twice. That is not acceptable and is worse than selfish.

BS here.

I have been following your story and it seems to me like you have gone through what is stereotypically seen in men as the "mid-life crisis". I wanted to share something that happened in my family that might have some similarities and give you something to consider.

My Dad was married with 5 kids (previous family) when he went through his "midlife crisis". In his case, there was no OW. He realized that he loved his wife but was not in love with her. He left her and the 5 kids to go find his true love. (He did not abandon his kids financially, but since he left the country he did leave them in all other respects essentially). Those 5 kids have harbored anger towards their Dad pretty much their entire lives because of his decision, even though he has tried very hard to mend the relationship. He looks back now and regrets having left his wife and family and regrets not having worked to save the marriage.

Which brings me to a question: Affair aside, have you ever given everything you had to your husband and to your relationship? Have you ever pursued him with your whole heart, body and soul to see what would happen?

I think that as you decide to embark on this new life, the only way to know for sure if it is the life you seek is if you do not have any contact with your husband at the same time. Not only is it cruel to him by giving him a degree of hope, but it will not allow you to fully immerse in the new life while you still have one foot in the old life.

Another thought that comes to mind is that love can be a feeling, but love can be a choice. The feeling can follow the actions borne out of a choice to love and be loving. Think of all the pre-arranged marriages that happen around the world where the couple doesn't need to know or like each other but once married they make a choice to love and the feelings align over time.

I have read that the "chemistry" that we experience and that you are seeking has to do with the brokenness/twistedness in us that matches up with someone else's brokenness/twistedness. When viewed in that light, is that something you want to seek out? Especially when you know that you have a very good, loving man before you now?

Your path is your own to choose. Your gut will lead you but remember that whatever choice you make it will have consequences. Which consequences can you live with and which can you not live with?

I mean this in a kind way although it may not seem as such. Leave him. Tell him you are done and why and walk away. If he asks for a chance say no. Do not be mean or cruel when saying it but leave because staying is even more cruel. Do not add insult to injury and date before your divorce is final, give him some remnants of dignity. Take the time to truly figure out who you are and what you need but let him go so he can begin to heal.

What is going to happen to your children during your S? Is he going to stay with them or go with you?

IMO dating while you are separated will harm both him and you. If you keep using chemistry to gauge your relationships rather than seriously examining why it is so important, you will always be looking for the "one" rather than learning how to nurture a healthy relationship.

Walk away from your husband but not your children.

How do your kids factor into your new living arrangement.

I do believe I am having a mid life crisis that is true.

Which brings me to a question: Affair aside, have you ever given everything you had to your husband and to your relationship? Have you ever pursued him with your whole heart, body and soul to see what would happen?

No I don't think I have. I have a hard time faking things and I feel like I would be faking it.

The kids will stay at home with dad. He does not want to leave the house since he is not the one that had the affair. I totally agree and said I'd be the one to leave. I will still see the kids daily. Since we both work from home he is the one that gets them up and ready for school anyway. He pretty much does most things around the house which has left me feeling very pathetic over the years. Maybe he's codependent? I'm not sure but we have been talking about that and I've stepped up more and said "let me do that". I feel like the 4th kid here.

He and I have talked about me dating. I agree it would be better to wait but I know myself and I don't like to be alone so while I can say I will try to be alone I'm not sure how long that will last. I'm not looking for my next husband, it would just be to have someone to start to chat with maybe or who knows. I really don't know, thus my name confused : (

I am really scared about this next step of moving out and telling kids/family. I do still love him and our family but just feel like I don't have the love that a wife should feel. It's a very comfortable life, but it's not filled with the love I desire and want. I dont know if it ever can be.

I'm up now because I can't sleep as I've got too much on my mind. We had talked about telling the kids tonight and I'm just scared. My IC told me they should have 2 weeks to absorb the info before I am gone.

I understand wanting to feel "in love" with your spouse but I have to wonder if that feeling is sustainable when you factor in dealing with all the "real life" issues couples face today.

My WH and I definitely had lost our connection and it often felt like we were "roomates". We certainly weren't feeling the passion and fire that comes from a new relationship. I think the longer you're with someone, the harder you have to work to keep some of that feeling. There should be passion and joy in a marriage but when you're dealing with a sick baby, laundry, cleaning, bills and such it can fall to the wayside. I just wonder if you do find that feeling with a new man, do you think it's going to stay forever?

If I understand it correctly though you're saying you never had that feeling with your BH. If that's the case and you really don't feel guilty at all, I think the kindest thing to do would be to let him go.

I think that if you want to even consider the possibility of R then your plan to move out and date other men is only setting you up for failure. It puts you in somewhat of a cake eating position. You get the excitement of dating new people and you get the comfort of dating your husband. With your quest for chemistry, your husband will never be able to compare because of his familiarity.

One of your roadblocks appears to be what your definition of love is; what a relationship looks like. It sounds to me like you are looking for something that isn't sustainable or doesn't exist. Love isn't what you see on the big screen. Love is something you work for. Even that chemistry you keep talking about is something you need to put energy into. It doesn't "just happen".

I know before I committed to R and began to work on all of my issues, I believed that relationships were what you got out of them. It took me some time to understand that I had to give into the relationship too. And quite often the more I give, the more I get back. When I was deep in the fog and in my A, I always believed that I would want to be my husband's friend. I enjoyed his company and he was a good dad. I had these images of us hanging out together after we D'd. I thought I had all kinds of chemistry with MOM. But everything was a farse. The idea of the friendship, the chemistry, everything.

Once I committed to R and began to put energy into my relationship, I started noticing changes immediately. I actually liked being the initiator and not just the recipient. And the more I put into it the better things felt. For example, we are pretty busy people. We both work full time, work out and take the time to cook daily. Not to mention we have kids. So we are busy. It was easy to just go through the motions and at the end of the day collapse and veg out in front of the TV before going to bed. Very difficult to feel that passion, right? But it doesn't mean it's not there. You just have to work for it. A little touch here and there while passing in the kitchen, playful flirting, sitting next to each other on the couch at the end of the day rather than on opposite sides, initiating sex even after a long day. All of these little things can make you want more and therefor give more to get more. It doesn't just happen because you have this awesome chemistry. There aren't firework displays going off everyday. Not for anyone. It's what you make of it.

It won't just happen on its own. Not with your husband, not with anyone you date. Not for the long term. You will find yourself in a cycle.

If you want to go the route of dating other men then let your husband go. If you want to attempt R then commit to it 100% and put some energy into it.

Hi confused43. Glad to see you are back. No 2x4 here. No judgment.

Read flayed's response again. There is a lot of wisdom there.

To me it doesn't sound like you are confused any more. More like conflicted about having to make the decisions you have to make. But it sounds like you are now starting to make those decisions that you were dreading and moving out is the first of those decisions. You know what you want and that to me sounds like you want out. Look at these questions from flayed:

Which brings me to a question: Affair aside, have you ever given everything you had to your husband and to your relationship? Have you ever pursued him with your whole heart, body and soul to see what would happen?

When viewed in that light, is that something you want to seek out? Especially when you know that you have a very good, loving man before you now?

Ask these questions in a future tense. I think you know the answer to these questions already. You don't want to pursue him going forward. Doesn't sound like you want to R. You want to move on and date other guys. You've learned better to do that outside of a marriage than in it. Move on and let him go then if you need to. But as jackie89 alluded to, don't give him any hope. Be definite and absolute. Not only free him, but yourself as well. It's hard to do so but from everything you've written (granted I only read this post and your last 2), sounds like this is what you want. I personally believe the drunken rant may have been a subconscious effort to force him to kick you out. Sounded like there was some deep seeded resentment towards him and you wanted to make him make the hard decision. You've alluded to the fact that you wanted him to do a 180 and in hopes that he would start to push you away on some level. But he's not biting. You've made it clear that you haven't been in the marriage for a very long time. Was the affair a way of possibly trying to get away from your husband as well? Regardless it sounds like it's time to let go. You have both have had enough. There is no judgment when I say any of that.

I'm not one for staying together for the kids. I came from a home where my dad tried to stay with my mother after she cheated and a toxic environment ensued. He hung on for 5 more years and they were terrible years in our house growing up. I just found out this past weekend that for many of those 5 years my mother's affair probably went underground and there may have been others. If you want to date other guys, get out of the marriage and spare your kids that pain as well. Their environment has already been forever changed. What light the kids see you in, in the future, will be up to you and how you work with them once you leave. You love your kids which makes this decision that much harder and complicated. That was the time you felt guilty is when they complimented you on how nice you looked on your way to see OM. I have no doubt the guilt was felt out of love for your children. Spare them and you that compliment in the future. That same feeling of guilt has never been there for your husband.

IMHO, you can still have a good, cordial relationship with your husband. But letting him go and not damaging the family further is what is needed. Be clear, honest, and not give hope where there is none. You can't spare him and the kids pain now, no matter what as their environment has already been forever changed. However, you can be the best, most honest version of yourself you can be moving forward. Your family may not appreciate it now, but they may in the future.

Again, no judgment. No 2x4. This is what the situation looks like to me from the outside. Please let me know if I'm wrong. It really doesn't sounds like you are confused and are in a "fog" of what you want. It really sounds like you are conflicted about letting the marriage go even though that is what you want. Am I way off here? Apologies if I am.

yop

If you want to go the route of dating other men then let your husband go. If you want to attempt R then commit to it 100% and put some energy into it.

This ^^^^^^^^

Confused,

As a fellow wayward wife I have thought the exact same thoughts as you after initial d-day. I didn't love my husband "that way" I wasn't physically attracted to him and now had a good idea of what I was missing.

Unlike you, I didn't have the guts to leave purely because of the two things you cite: fear and finance. Trust me, if I could have overcome those two things at the time I would have stepped. One other reason that kept me around was the promise that my BH would try and change and work with me to make the M work.

He wanted me but I only stayed because I was scared to leave...

... Now, 15 months on, I'm glad I did.. things have changed, it takes time to feel things again.. I know you're not me but ever since I've followed your story I identify with having similar thought processes to you.. It can happen but it takes going through the motions and time.

Give it a time frame, a reasonable one, my instinct is to tell you not to leave just yet. More than anything, you sound frustrated o me. Angry. Dig deep there.. it will be a good start.

I am more concerned about the mental health and self-esteem of your husband.

He is essentially being your doormat if he is willing to let you move out and date other men while being the babysitter to your children during the process.

If you can't love him like he loves you and you aren't willing to commit to reconciliation..

Then do the mature and responsible thing and let him and the marriage go. He's not going to ask you for a divorce because he loves you. You know your plan now is even more abusive to him and your kids.

This is not a 2x4..just facts and real concern for your husband.

Have you ever looked up borderline personality disorder?

Have you ever had any childhood trauma?

How much of your indecision to actually up and leave, to actually tell him you are done, has to do with not having figured out a way to not come out of this as the bad guy? I don't mean that to sound shitty--that's just what I'm taking from your original post, where one of your biggest fears is having to go public with this with friends and family.

I applaud your honesty here, by the way (again, that is sincere, not meant to be shitty).

Confused,

You sound numb and flat to me, and perhaps that is normal considering what you put yourself through. When you get the technicolor high of an affair, you can start to think that kind of chemistry and desire is normal -- that love means feeling that way all the time - with no effort. I remember my H saying about his feeling during the affair: "It was all too easy." But easy isn't sustainable, and easy isn't real. My guess is that you have not let yourself truly see what you did, so you feel no real remorse or emotion about it. You are likely still foggy, and distance from your husband is not likely to help that.

You keep talking about you "don't feel what a wife should for her husband." Can you talk about that? Because love and desire aren't like a lamp -- you either have it or you don't. It has to be cultivated. It has to be nurtured and tended, like a garden. If you neglect it, hell yes - it can die. If you have an affair, it is like pouring gasoline on the ground and setting the garden plot on fire.

But you know what can happen out of that scorched earth if people are willing? Wonderful stuff. Life changing stuff. With a hell of a lot of work - a beautiful, new garden.

I’m actually having an MRI done next week to make sure I didn’t have a stroke or something because my thoughts just don’t make any sense even to me.

This, to me, shows that you know your thinking is off. I agree with the poster that suggested a couple of possible diagnoses as well. . I'd check into it. I don't think you break up a family because of :

I don’t feel like I can love my husband the way I want to love a husband.

Its too passive, and by your own admission, too selfish. Have your mid-life crisis, but get some help, and don't make any decisions for quite a while.

Maybe he's codependent?

And

I know myself and I don't like to be alone

Spoke volumes to me. Maybe he's not the codependent one.IMHO you need to be okay by yourself to be okay with someone else.

I definitely felt some of the things you're describing and it took me some time to feel real guilt and remorse. After reading all I could, I believe my affair was an exit affair. I felt like I tried but my BH wasn't willing and I was done. When the A started I remember thinking, this just feels right. And that right there is what now causes me to question all feelings. It was unquestionably NOT right. Even if my AP was my soul mate (which he was definitely not) starting a relationship through deception and betrayal could never be right. The A ended in April 2013 but I told my BH on a regular basis until September that I wanted a divorce. The only time we slept together was when I was drunk during that time and I was convinced that I would never have anything more than a room mate/friendship feeling for him.

One day in the middle of September, that changed. I don't know why. But maybe it was the fog lifting and I saw my BH for who he was, an amazing man and husband who has supported and loved me through some really hard crap. And I was devastated by what I'd done. That day I decided I had to tell him about the A. We had a lot going on in our lives over the next few months and I didn't think it was fair to dump this on him at that point. I was going to my IC regularly and discussed timing and how to tell him and I did it at the beginning of January. My friend told me over the summer when I told her how bad my marriage was that she understood where I was coming from but that she loved both me and my BH and she thought I would go out, date and realize what an awesome and amazing guy BH is. At the time I wasn't really ready to hear that but now I know how right she was. Guys like my BH are rare. The world is full of slimeballs ready to use you for a good time, but there are few men who can love someone through all this. I had to let go of my Cinderella fantasy that my soul mate Prince Charming was out there and realize that I was already married to him. True love is taking care of kids, helping with laundry and doing the dishes.

My BH isn't perfect but he's one of the best men I know and I wish I saw it before I did something I couldn't undo. So to answer your question, after ending the A, it was about 5 months before I felt true remorse for what I'd done. Feelings are fickle. You may feel very differently tomorrow, in one month, in six months, than you do today. I wouldn't make decisions you can't undo right now.