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I have been posting in JUST FOUND OUT and it was suggested I come here. After 10 years of marriage and 2 children my wife informed me she had been sleeping with others besides me when my children were conceived. It has been suggested quite a lot I get DNA testing done. I don’t want to do it just now, or maybe never. I wrote,

“I‘m SCARED to do this. I love my children. I'm not sure what my reaction might be if one or both aren't mine. With the emotional roller coaster I've been on I'm not sure of anything right now. I woke up this morning shaking from a dream and threw up. I was watching my wife servicing her men and I and my children were in a cell watching her in action; it was very real to me. If I can't let her cheating go, how will I react to the answer about my children if they’re not mine? I know me, I hold onto things emotionally and let them fester and mushroom out of proportion. This then turns into anger and hate. I don't want to hate my children; they're innocent in all of this. As I write this I'm beginning to feel this rage brewing if they aren't mine. I just had an image of her and him laughing as they created my children's life. Please, positive help from someone who has gone through this.”

“… as I dwell on this cataclysmic decision of DNA testing I can feel the volcanic rage boiling in my gut about being forced into finding out if "MY" children are mine biologically. I heard your kind words, BUT, if I had adopted my children it would have been my loving choice and they would be mine forever. If my children aren't mine, but someone else’s, that loving moment of creation was TAKEN from me. As I think about the possibilities, I'm literally shaking; like a cold chill. I'm thinking that every time I look at them, hold them, touch them, and kiss them it would be a reminder of that man my wife allowed to make love to her, not me. It wouldn't be a mental picture that I'm re-playing 24/7 that might diminish with the passing of time, but a real concrete statement of what occurred between her and her lover. My children's smile and laugh wouldn't be a reflection of mine, but him. My grandchildren wouldn't be mine, but his. All that would be his, whoever that man might be; for posterity, not mine. This is far worse than my finding out that my wife might have screwed a thousand men while telling me she loved me. I can leave her, if it came to that; I can't leave my children.”

Please help, I don’t know how to handle this big decision, DNA testing of my children?

Anyone can be a father, but only special guys can be dad! You are dad and they are lucky to have you. Will it change how you feel about them? Will they still be yours no matter what you find out? If so, don't do the test. If you must know, do the test, but remember they are yours if you want them to be no matter what. Best wishes!!

Don't do it if you don't want to. Don't weigh pros and cons unless you want to but aren't sure.

If you are worried about medical histories then you could have your wife do the testing at a random point without your knowledge and keep the findings to herself unless there is a major medical issue that needs addressed.

FWIW I think every father on this site understands your fears. Take it slow and do what you need to do to be the dad you want to be.

Thank you. My emotional confusion relates to my wife’s cheating. I love my children, but if they aren’t mine biologically it will be a constant reminder of my wife’s deceit.

If my children aren't mine, but someone else’s, that loving moment of creation was TAKEN from me. As I think about the possibilities, I'm literally shaking; like a cold chill. I'm thinking that every time I look at them, hold them, touch them, and kiss them it would be a reminder of that man my wife allowed to make love to her, not me.

How do I deal with this conflict of emotions?

stu, are you in counseling?

This might be something you need a professional to help you deal with, or come to terms with.

I cannot even imagine how you are feeling.

We had a high school friend who waited 10 years until he could finally do the DNA on his son. He knew from about age 2 that this son may not be his, but he was petrified of what he would feel if it turned out it was not.

In the end, after holding the envelope for what seemed like an eternity - he told us that he realized it didn't matter. That his son was his no matter what the test said. Granted, he had much more time to get to this point then you.

He said it basically boiled down to the fact that the child was completely innocent and to remove himself and his love from the child for something the child had no control over - seemed harsh and unfair. It wasn't the child's choice to be in the situation.

He did eventually look - the son is biologically his. But before he looked, he assumed that it was not and embrassed his son anyway.

I asked him once if he could it different what would he do? He said, knowing what he knows now (all the understanding and acceptance) he would have had the test done when his son was much younger. It would have saved alot of time worrying and wondering that created horrible tention in the marriage (now ex).

(((Stu)))

Yes, I had my first session of IC last week.

My wife just told me about my children. As I said, I had been posting at Just Found Out under “Just learned after 10 years about what my wife did” and it was suggested I come here to try to get suggestions about handling this question of DNA testing.

My question to you : Now that your WW has told you the kids might not be yours biologically, can you look at them (in the future too) without wondering ?

XH was told his 1st XW's youngest son might be his. When he met XW, she was separated and went back to her STBXH several times. There was a chance the son could be his. About 10 yrs. ago I suggested they have DNA test to find out for sure. No the son wasn't his but for 44 yrs. there was doubt.

That's along time to be thinking yes or no.

You don't have to decide right now.

Hugs and what an awful situation WW has put you

and the kids in.

Gma

if they aren’t mine biologically it will be a constant reminder of my wife’s deceit.

Gently, just the fact that your wife has admitted that they may not be yours will be a constant reminder.

It is a very personal decision, but I would want to know for sure. It would not change how I felt about my kids (they're still Jane and Bob, despite their parent's behavior).

Jane and Bob are not their mother, so you can love them seperately from her. As a previous poster said, someone else may be the father, but YOU are Dad.

What a horrible position to be in.

I wish you luck and loads of hugs to you and YOUR kids no matter what you decide.

oops...dupicate!

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 2:03 PM, March 24th (Monday)]

If you decide to do this, you really need to know what your plan of action is:

1. Will you share the results with your wife?

2. If the child/ren are not yours, will you contact the bio dads?

3. What will you tell the kids?

It's not an easy decision. You may want to get legal advice as well as well as IC advice. I wish you peace with this decision.

Stu... I am so sorry that you are dealing this. My heart really goes out to you.

The choice to perform paternity tests on your children is a highly personal one. It took me a month or so of pretty heavy thinking before I made my decision to have DNA testing done on my son. I found out a month prior to his 7th birthday that he is not biologically mine.

As others have stated, genetics does not a father make. I haven't lost an ounce of love for my son. With the "paternal discrepancy" (no, I didn't make that term up), there are a lot of really heavy issues to work through. Probably one of the biggest challenges, for me personally, is seeing him growing older and looking more and more like the OM. His personality is so much like mine, though. When it comes to his mind, his intelligence, his kindness, his likes and dislikes, he is a direct reflection of me.

One of the deciding factors for me to go through with the DNA test was the nagging feeling at the back of my head that he wasn't biologically mine. After a month or so, I knew that nagging feeling would never go away until I had my answer, and I could deal with it up front.

The other big thing to take into account is the possibility of having to have a discussion with your child(ren) regarding their own biology. Three plus years into this, and I still don't have that one figured out with my son.

As I already stated, this is a highly personal decision. Whatever you decide to do, we are here for you to support you through this process.

Sending you strength. Take care.

I have been thinking about this myself, mine are old enough that I have to come up with some sort of sneaky plan or tell them we are doing DNA testing to determine our ancestry.

A pro is that, if your children are not biologically yours, then at some point in time, they may need to know their biology for health reasons.

Unfortunately, your WW has opened Pandora's box and it cannot be closed again, just by ignoring it. You can take whatever time you need, to make your decision and I would hope that you have an IC that you can talk with over making the decision.

It depends on what state you live in... But some states will terminate your parental rights if your children are not biologically yours.

Meanin you may have no choice in DNA testing if she's trying to get full custody and wants to prove you are not their father.

I would look into THAT, immediately.

Can she take your children from you if they're not biologically yours?

Chesh

I did a lot of soul searching about this. I had to really look at what my motivation would have been. I am just speaking for me here. My motivation would have been to gain fuel for my anger and resentment of my fWS and to gain ammunition to hold against her. When I really looked at what would be gained and what could be lost I decided against it. I wondered a lot about it even before Dday actually. I barely think about it anymore. For me, it just doesn't matter.

Things with wife have been moving along. She is giving me explanations with the help of her psychiatrist. QUESTION: How long does it take to get results back on paternity testing? Are there false results? How reliable are they?

Stu - I did a mail-in test, and got the results back about a week after I mailed them in. This matches up with what I've heard from others... it's usually about 5-7 business days on average. The results came via a secured email link to a PDF file for the particular company that I used.

The testing is very accurate. If you are the child's biological father, the test will say something like, "99.9997%" chance of you being the biological father. If you are not the biological father, it will flat out say "100% excluded".

If the samples are some how botched, I'm sure they would come back with something that says "inconclusive". I would imagine that is a pretty rare circumstance, though.

That time frame of waiting for the results can be brutal. If you move forward with this, find some healthy activities to occupy you physically and mentally for that week or so.

(((stu23)))

As a previous poster said, someone else may be the father, but YOU are Dad.

Having heard about this case scenario from a few friends who have gone through this, I can tell you that your kids will always love you, for you are a loving and consistent presence in their lives no matter what.

ETA: Of all the fallout that can happen from an affair (STD's, financial ruin, leaving for the AP...) this one breaks my heart the most. I'm quickest to tears when finding out that a man has not only learned that his wife has been cheating, but that his child may not be biologically his.

I can't begin to comprehend how much this hurts. My heart goes out to you and all the dads who have been in this position.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 3:23 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]

Things with wife have been moving along. She is giving me explanations with the help of her psychiatrist. QUESTION: How long does it take to get results back on paternity testing? Are there false results? How reliable are they?

False results are statistically rare, although there are some known "duh" problems. "Duh" for science types, and are the reason there are little boxes to tick that would let them know out the gate.

- If you had childhood leukemia &/or any form of cancer which means you had to have a bone marrow transplant, you will have 2 different types of DNA. As the blood made by the donor marrow will be their DNA, not yours. This is actually one reason why mouth swabs are preferable over blood. Almost no one has cheek transplants.

- Transplant. If you've ever had a transplant organ, that organ will have someone else's DNA in it. If you ARE one of the rare people to have had a skin graft in your mouth in the past decade, get a blood sample, instead. And DO tick that little box so the technicians know to look for 2 samples in one.

- Chimerism. This is particularly / actually fairly common amongst fraternal twins & triplets, where the fetuses in uttero trade cells between them. It usually results in nothing noticeable. Unless you need an organ transplant, and during the type/cross/match it's determined you actually have 2 or more types of DNA. A super super rare form of Chimerism is the 'vanishing twin chimera' that gets featured on TV murder mystery type shows. Granted, some forms of chimerism tend to run in families.

- If the other possible donor is a close match (full sibling), or complete match (identical twins share the same DNA).

- Radiation damage (If you're going through chemo & radiation, don't keep that from the lab testing you).

- etc.

__________

There is also lab error.

That's a lot less common with DNA testing than with many other forms of lab testing (because you don't have to culture or grow anything for weeks on end, and transfer it about from one place to another / watch for limited time reactions/ etc).

DNA testing is really straight forward.

Open sample, run it, compare it.

___________

So, in short, DNA testing is really reliable and very accurate... As long as the sample you give is good.

[This message edited by CheshCat at 4:06 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]