SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This said, your wife is partially absolved and fully responsible: most loving wives would-given all the evidence, have confronted you

Agreed, but she's grown up with the guy and doesn't know he's full of crap? The OM needs to have a full investigation by the PD and see who else he's tried this on.

I'd make sure his superiors understand the possibility of lawsuit coming.

As to the why, well that's a question your WW needs to answer.

Did the cheating lovers use condoms? Any form of protection?

One hell of a difference. The use of condoms implies some form of respect for your marriage in that she didn't want to expose you to disease and herself to pregnancy. Also coming home, having sex with you after having unprotected sex with the OM, is frankly insulting and disrespectful.

Get the impression that your wife had an affair now expects that a few sorries will make things right. After all she's got you to believe she was tricked into cheating, which I think is a load of baloney.

Hope you have reported the OM to his superiors, which, together with testimony from your wife should cost the sleaze ball his job.

The OM needs to have a full investigation by the PD and see who else he's tried this on.

I agree with that! I can't imagine this guy has one friend left in the entire police dept.

SWAT, after this, you and your wife could have an even stronger and better relationship. It sounds like she is truly remorseful and not just acting. I hope she also feels foolish for ever allowing this happen.

Like others though, I don't understand how she would not have confronted you first without having sex with the informer of this news.

You say she is the non-communicating type, and her way of confronted you could have been the snide comments she was making. My wife is also the non-communicating type, and that sure as hell can lead to problems in all areas of life and marriage.

Hopefully you can get over this. This mind images will get old after a while, like seeing a commercial a million times you hate, it finally just gets old.

The reason I advise the betrayed spouse to seek post nup agreement or D is because cheating is such a severe betrayal..All bets are off..I think that the betrayed partner and any children should be legally and financially protected before any work on the relationship begins...So that the injured partner doesn't feel trapped in the marriage due to financial reasons /child custody reasons..

If the cheating partner is willing to cooperate in post-nup or D which weighs heavily in the betrayed partner's favor ( in order to see to it that the betrayed partner is financially / legally protected ) than it is likely that this WS is remorseful and willing to move mountains to fix things..

I am speaking from the perspective of anticipating a difficult D..I feel trapped because I am having to spend more time than I want to in getting my ducks in a row to file.

When I mailed my wife the evidence she just looked shocked. I had all the messages and emails of when I was supposed to have cheating. I went into work and requested my time sheets for almost an entire year. This at least proved to her I was actually working. OM transferred to a different unit when I confronted my wife. I did file a complaint with IA since OM used department resources to do this and he manipulated subordinates and often gave unlawful orders. Turns out OM did so much shit it wasn't funny. IA seized his work computer and he was suspended for 90 days pending the investigation. I have actually spoken with the Chief of Police, also former military and a victim of infidelity. The Chief assured me OM will not be returning to work ever. The president of our PBA has also stated OM is going to be terminated. Every officer in the department is a member of our union and had the right to be defended by union attorneys. However OM is not fighting the charges filed against him and his employment is over at the end of the 90 days. OM cleaned out his locker and office the day I walked into IA. The Chief and union president state the County DA may even file criminal charges against OM for some of the things he did. Nothing that will get him jail time because in the grand scheme of things in my State and area tampering with the computers and some of the other things he did are criminal, but the seriousness just isn't there.

As to my wife. When I confronted her she was obviously in shock. She just kept yelling "No..this can't be happening now." My wife then went on to explain she had ended the affair when she found out I was hospitalized for my injury. She said she was afraid to tell me anything because I had always said I could never stay with a cheater. My wife went on to say she was always afraid I would cheat on her or leave her anyway. It seems my wife has no self esteem due to the abuse from her previous marriage. My wife is gorgeous, the love of my life and the mother of my children. I never went a day without saying ILY. Earlier this month was our eleventh wedding anniversary. In my first post I said wife of thirteen years however we have been together 13 years but only married for ten. My wife and I got engaged and were planning the wedding when we had an "oops" and she became pregnant with our daughter. My wife didn't want to get married because she was pregnant. She didn't want me to do the "right thing". So we waited and I thought she realized how much I love her.

As far as I know my wife always used a condom. She was devastated when I confronted her. She has gotten and std test and showed me the results and everything is fine.

We are currently separated sort of. We are in the same house however I have changed shifts and work from 1400-0400 hours. The 12 hour days give me a lot more time off to see my children. I just sleep in the basement guest suite. I am sorry if my posts are rambling and I hope I can and have answered some of the questions.

My wife has agreed verbally to not go after my pension and did not want spousal support if we divorce. My wife has been remorseful and she is not faking it. I do believe her snide remarks were obviously her way of telling me what she was thinking. But when I would ask her WTF she was talking about, she never actually said it and would just turn away and do something else or change the subject. Since my wife has started IC she has told me more things than ever and is communicating better as well.

So sorry you are here SWAT70. Terrible story you have on your hands. I don't have any additional advice that hasn't already been said. I want to let you know that you have been heard. Sounds like the beginning stages of your situation are well underway. Where are you emotionally? How do you feel about what remorse your wife has shown? Being in-house separated, are you leaning one way or the other at the moment towards R or D?

The best advice is to not rush into this. If you still love this woman, and she is genuinely remorseful, you can both explore reasons why it happened, and try to work on saving your marriage. It doesn't sound like your marriage cannot be resolved.

In my situation, my wife cheated, told me she wanted a divorce. So I filed the next week - to show her that I was serious. And I told her up front that filing for divorce is a formality...there is ample time to reconcile, seek MC, try to make things work. But I wanted her to know that I was serious - that I would not tolerate her continued adultery with this other guy.

She never showed any remorse, nor any apologies offered. I was willing to go to counseling, but it was a moot point.

In your case, from what I've read, you still have a marriage that can be resolved. Or at least it is still within the realm of possibilities.

Swat:

I have actually spoken with the Chief of Police, also former military and a victim of infidelity. The Chief assured me OM will not be returning to work ever.

This was a joy to read. A lot of us Betrayeds have been through a variation of what you've experienced-- having a wife targeted by a serial adulterer with whom one spouse worked.

In my case, my wife worked with him-- and he was a pro at the long con. He worked to establish trust over a few months-- and used the rapport he built to lead things towards an affair.

It doesn't absolve my wife of her responsibility for cheating, but made it easier to understand after the fact.

Yet after the exposure, the leadership at their company closed ranks around him-- unlike in your case. It amounted to a tacit endorsement for infidelity -- and was pretty damn ugly to watch.

I don't know what you'll choose to do. But it does sound like you have better prospects for a successful reconciliation than many here. As one who has fully reconciled -- and been greatly blessed in the years after -- I hope you'll at least give it some consideration (provided there is nothing else uncovered about this, or some prior betrayal, that makes the matter more complicated).

Please keep us posted-- we're rooting for you, man.

I'm so glad scum OM got his just desserts; doesn't seem to happen very often.

My problem with your wife's story concerns a typical BS's reaction to infidelity:

1] First thing is we confront, because we want the sex and intimacy to end and explanations as to why the WS cheated. Your wife did not confront; apparently she was OK with your supposed adultery continuing. BS's just don't do that; if we care for our WS then we want that affair over, right now

2] As Uncertainone said a few weeks ago, whats the point of a revenge affair if you don't tell the spouse you have had one? Where is the revenge? Your wife was not going to tell you that she had cheated so we can rule out revenge as a reason.

3] She knew the OM wanted to get in her pants and therefore had a motive for spreading tales about your supposed infidelity. Why should she then believe this guy when he wanted her sexually and would do anything to get her between the sheets?

4] Every case of revenge affair I have ever heard of stemmed from a 100% certainty that the spouse has cheated. It was a given. Your WW did not have this certainty, nowhere near, so why proceed without 100% proof?

I think your wife is quite a clever gal. This tale about being tricked into sex by the OM lies is brilliant, because it gives her an out. She can look shocked and tearful and appear quite devastated. Hell, she's almost innocent of adultery; from her perspective anyway.

In reality, the OM came on to her, she was flattered by the attention and supported by some resentment of you, it was exciting affair time. She had her excuse, didn't really care if it had a basis or not, she got to enjoy another lover and you would probably never know.

I also think you should reconcile; just don't be hoodwinked into believing her deceit. Start off with honesty if you want the reconciliation to be successful.

One further sad point. Your wife has known you for 30 years, bore three of your children and she yet she 'chose to believe' lies from the OM who wanted sex with her. Either way you have been deeply insulted; either she is guilty of exciting adultery, or an awful lack of trust in a husband who has known her for nearly all of her life. Soul mates indeed!

[This message edited by OK now at 1:44 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. A lot of you have touched on my biggest issue. I have known this woman for so long. How could she not trust me? How could she not say anything to me? Why do this to me? I'm sick everyday because what she has done. She knows this yet she can not honestly tell me why. I've asked her if she thought I wouldn't care? Did she think I would not notice the change in her behavior. I asked her all the time to talk to me. Would she...no. Her only reply is she thought she had already lost me. I asked her what I did to make her think this. Her answer...nothing. I told her the only conclusion I can draw from this was she wanted to. She must have like it. She did it more than once. She has told me about the three times (she says) together. Twice was oral sex and touching one time actual sex. I call BS. If she was so upset with my "cheating". Why didn't she get "even" and tell me. Why try to ignore it? I say just tell me the truth. I need to know.

Why didn't she get "even" and tell me. Why try to ignore it? I say just tell me the truth. I need to know.

That is the big question. To get even with someone, they must first know what you did to get even in the first place.

As for her thinking. There is no real rational thinking during an affair. There is never a conscience thought about getting caught.

The thought that she already lost you, sounds like someone who gave up...before even trying or fighting.

Maybe talking in front of a MC would help your wife communicate all of this better to you.

The trouble with seeking the truth is that the WS is rarely willing to give it. Your WW wants to preserve her marriage, she certainly would be horrified at the very idea of divorce. The 'truth' you will get will be the facts that make her look as acceptable as possible. Hence the 'I thought you were cheating' 'I thought I had lost you' statements.

She is not going to tell you anything that casts her in bad light because that undermines reconciliation. Everything will be sanitized because her goal is to get you to forget her affair, get you back into the marriage bed and move on with life. She will ruthlessly pursue that objective and veracity doesn't figure into the equation.

I'm sorry to say that you will not get the truth you seek for quite a while, if ever. She cheated selfishly, regrets getting caught and you might as well get along with reconciliation. Things however, will never be the same, nor should they be.

I have known this woman for so long. How could she not trust me? How could she not say anything to me? Why do this to me?

These are the questions that you CANNOT leave unanswered. Her responses are woefully inadequate, and she needs to start being honest with you(and herself).

I've asked her if she thought I wouldn't care? Did she think I would not notice the change in her behavior. I asked her all the time to talk to me. Would she...no. Her only reply is she thought she had already lost me.

Again, this is totally unacceptable. It shows a real lack of remorse. Your feelings were never taken into consideration.

I told her the only conclusion I can draw from this was she wanted to. She must have like it.

Yup.

She did it more than once. She has told me about the three times (she says) together. Twice was oral sex and touching one time actual sex. I call BS. If she was so upset with my "cheating". Why didn't she get "even" and tell me. Why try to ignore it?

You will never have a chance at true reconciliation, without the answers to these.

I say just tell me the truth. I need to know.

Isn't it amazing(and cruel) that we can often work past the actual infidelity, but it is the ensuing lies that really kill the marriage?

[This message edited by jb3199 at 11:38 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

Well I talked with the wife tonight. Was actually enlightening. She opened up and said she has always been afraid I would find someone better. She believes I was just to good for her and would find a better woman. She said she always noticed other women checking me out and what she saw as flirting with me. She said she is just not pretty enough or woman enough to keep a man like me. My reply was I choose you. I wanted to be with you. I loved you with everything I had. I never looked at another woman they way I looked at you.

She lost it again and apologized saying she will do anything. I asked her to write everything in a letter since she does have a hard time expressing herself. She agreed to do so and is in the kitchen writing it now. I truly want to believe her but I know it just doesn't add up.

I mean why him of all people. Yes I considered him one of my best friends. My BIL now hates him but he never said anything bad about OM. These people have been major influences for the majority of my life. BIL,WW and their family were my rock growing up. I was the only child of a single mother (divorced). That family took me in and treated my like a son. Even before I actually was on. OM was the third amigo when we were growing up. BIL has since told me OM has always been jealous of us. No one knows why actually.

Wife has said it would not have happened if it wasn't him. I don't get that really. Does it make sense to anyone? I did have my wife served with divorce papers when I sent her all of the evidence. She hasn't responded to them yet and has obviously said she does not want a divorce. I'm trying my best to be strong through all of this. That is what I do and have always done. It is just my nature and how I have lived my life. I will always stand up for what I believe is right. I have fought for and bled for this all of my adult life. Tonight I told me wife I am tired. I have been fighting for what is right for more than twenty five years. I asked her one more question. Are you ready to stand up and fight for what is right? She cried and said she would. I am praying she does. For me, her and our family.

She opened up and said she has always been afraid I would find someone better. She believes I was just to good for her and would find a better woman. She said she always noticed other women checking me out and what she saw as flirting with me. She said she is just not pretty enough or woman enough to keep a man like me.

This is a wayward's backhand compliment. Its taking any of the responsibility off her and laying it on you/your looks/your personality, etc.

Why, if she was so afraid of losing you, did she go fuck someone else? Not once. Oh no. But numerous times. She had a relationship outside of your marriage and is blaming it on thinking she might lose you? That sounds rehearsed. Honestly. It all of a sudden came to her when you were hospitalized and the truth of your whereabouts came out - right.

Ask pointed questions, not open ended ones. Ask her specifics.

Her letter will be all flowery and make you out to be this wonderful guy that she doesn't deserve. Don't lap it up. Read it for what it is, a manipulation.

broken

I understand and agree with you. I just need her to open up and start a real dialogue with me. I know it doesn't seem like it but I know my wife. I knew there was a problem and I wanted to fix it. She has always held grudges but in the past they were minor things. I have asked her some difficult questions recently and she has answered them truthfully I believe. I do question people for a living and can almost always tell when people are lying. WW has not really lied a whole lot. I get she is down playing what happened and that is a natural defense. I have told her she has some time to get to the bottom of her problems. I love her with everything I have but I will not be treated this way. I know there have been people telling my she is not being completely honest and I know this as I see it everyday. WW now knows the ball is in her court. Fix her shit or I'm gone. WW is trying I know this and I know she wants to paint me as this paragon. I know I am. Just kidding. I'm no where near perfect. I'm just like everyone else here. I have tried to be the best person I could be. I've made mistakes in life and my marriage, but I was always the best person I could be.

On a lighter note. I also told her the "too good looking" thing isn't gonna fly no more. I've got too many scars now.