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Why did you stay? Has anyone asked their WS this question? What answer did you get?

A friend of mine called me about an hour ago and told me that her H severed ties with his AP. Theirs was an EA ( she thinks ) and she does not think they will meet again since she is changing jobs and is moving out of state. Her concern was why her H stayed. He was emotionally invested in that relationship and his decision to stay is puzzling her. I told her to flat out ask him but she does not think she'll get a truthful answer.

From what I know, I think he stayed because he does not want to split the assets in half, and for the kids. If they did not have kids I think he would have left. Then again, I could be wrong; I am on the outside looking in and making decision based on what I have been told. Of course I never told her what i think he would have done.

If I'm understanding the question, your asking why our ws stayed. Well what he said was, I love you, I love our family, ow doesnt mean a damn thing to me.

Do I believe it? I think he believes he loves me but his love is way off course of what I think love is. I know he loves his kids.

I have another idea of why...2 more yrs and no child support, he likes the comfort of home, he thinks the kids will hate him if he leaves for ow, he likes outsiders to think he's a real swell guy. He thinks I don't know what he's doing and that he won't get caught again because he's so sly He's a classic cakeeater.

Ostrich:

When I got off the phone, I posed the very question to myself. I agree with most of what you said about your H; mine is the same in many ways. I think that mine would feel mortally disgraced if he lost the respect of his sons. Did mine stay for the sons? it is possible. Does it bother me? In a way it does. His first EA was with someone his own son described to me as " her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top." ( son was part of the social group for a year and he knows her and knows of her as well. He doesn't know about his father's EA)

[This message edited by MammaMia at 1:43 AM, March 28th (Friday)]

Hi Mamma...

I asked my H that question:

The first time - I love you

The second time - I was never going to leave you

The third time - We have so much history (paraphrase)

So many other times I asked the question.

Just last night I read a post and then called him while he was driving home and asked: What made you decide that you wanted the M?

His answer: I love you and this is my life. Looking back so many times I would ask myself :What am I doing?"

Some WS realize that they love their W and the life that they have made together.

My WH told me he's staying because:

1) he doesn't want to split the assets, lose our house, and pay child support and alimony, and

2) he doesn't want to mess up the kids.

Nice guy, huh? No 'I love you.' Just the opposite. Told me he has no feelings for me, good or bad. OW#1 is still his soulmate schmoopie, even though she married some other dude to get a green card. No respect or gratitude for me giving up everything to raise our children and manage every facet of our lives together. No appreciation for tolerating his alcoholism and erratic behavior.

He even told his parents that he never had any intention of leaving. He just thinks he's entitled to have Asian prostitutes on the side.

I'm not married, and my bf only cheated with whores. He said he never considered ending our relationship because what we have was real and what he was doing with them was trying to work out shit from his own life. He always loved me, wanted us to end up together, and put our relationship first.

I call bullshit on some of his reasoning, but I know (even though he had an emotional entanglement with the last whore he was seeing) that he understands that wasn't real and this is. He understands that he'll never know if she even liked him, or was just happy to take his money. The test will be seeing if he can keep those old needs from acting up again. He swears he can. We'll see.

WH gave me all sorts of reasons from:

-I love you

-I was never going to leave

-I cannot live without you

-Etc.

I think that he stayed because:

-He was afraid to loose the kids

-It was a LTA and had likely run its course by the time I found out about it

-He is afraid to be alone

-He does not want anyone to know

For all of the above reasons, I am in limbo, flipping back and forth between I need to file for D or maybe this will somehow work.

-I love you (well you loved me when you were Fing bar whore too... that's so not love)

- I'm afraid of losing you (but you wernt too afraid because you F-ed another bar whore a year later)

- you are my soul mate ( ya because I'm sure you were putting so much concern for crushing your soul mates heart while out with these hoes)

-because I want us to work ( by not showing any actions? Wow real motivation! )

As you can see... I ask, he tells and then I get pissed off....

There must be a script they pass around. My WS stayed because he always loved me, never meant to hurt me, never meant for me to find out, the affair was "just sex" (and hours of conversation and romantic meetings for two years..), never loved her and oh yeah, that I am SOOOO much better than she ever was. He just didn't think I liked him any more. When he discovered that raising his kids, doing his laundry, working and doing all the things I was doing while he was not coming home equaled love on my part he thought he'd stay. He didn't want me to leave and thus "split up the family".

Mine said he stayed because he realized he wanted us to survive and only me in his life. I then told him to ask me the same question: I would have left if I knew before we married!!

I left his sorry ass so in this case, asking him why he stayed wouldn't apply.

However, for several months after I moved out (as well as the weeks leading up to my move), he asked numerous times for me to please reconsider.

I told him I'd rather have my gums set on fire but hey - thanks for asking, anyway.

I honestly don't give a horse's ass as to why he wanted to stay together after his selfish actions drove me away. But I'm sure it was purely self-serving, whatever it was.

I think for a lot of people, it can be fear, especially at first. Those married young, never with anyone else, small children, it's a lot to give up when you contemplate being alone or having your children's lives changed because of one spouse's selfishness.

My reasons are similar but different: I can support myself and the kids are grown but the alone part does come into play - fear. I also don't want to deal with seeing him with someone else. but really, he was sick. He was angry. He was beside himself and didn't have the coping skills to deal. I'm hoping things get better with time. Trust has come back but I really can't see our marriage being stronger or me feeling more in love with him. His 2nd affair pretty much killed what we had been trying to build. I'm reasonably happy. The kids and our couples friends give us lots of pleasure. We are extremely compatible. I guess those are the reasons I'm staying. For now.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:39 AM, March 28th (Friday)]

My wife says that she stayed because she never really wanted to leave. And that she loves me. And that the EA she had with an ex boyfriend was never about me or him but about something being messed up with her that she doesn't understand. (she's starting to see what is messed up in her now.)

Sometimes I believe her. Others I wonder why she stayed. I believe her more and wonder less all the time though.

My WS because he always loved me, never meant to hurt me, never meant for me to find out, the affair was "just sex" (and hours of conversation and romantic meetings for two years..), never loved her and oh yeah, that I am SOOOO much better than she ever was. He just didn't think I liked him any more

I got a similar answer except change 2 years into 5.

Also add he put up walls due to my health in case I died so it wouldn't hurt as much.

He didn't want to lose me or our kids.

He didn't realize how much he loved me.

You've inspired me. I'm going to ask tonight.

In our situation, WH seems to have a habitual cheating problem, so the question I'm going to ask is slightly different - why does he want to stay M if he doesn't get enough from the M to keep him happy?

Thanks for bringing this up, Mamma!

Extrapolated many years later

- We were his property.

- It would have made him look bad / image is the most important thing to him.

To be fair... He's a sociopath.

I don't mean this in an insulting kind of way... In some ways, it's actually a compliment to "belong" to a sociopath, since they (of his specific type) care for nearly nothing, property is really the highest achievement possible. And appearances...that's how he deals with living in a society of people who do things for reasons he can never fathom. So he follows certain rules explicitly, in order to remain in control. Very high functioning.

Not that any of this excuses his actions.

There are honorable sociopaths out there.

My ex just didn't happen to be one of them.

Chesh

[This message edited by CheshCat at 3:24 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]

During my fWH's A, there was a moment where he had this conversation with me saying he was trying to decide what he wanted and he didn't want to have anymore relationship talks until he decided what it was he wanted. At the time, he wasn't yet admitting to the affair and I hadn't yet worked up the courage (or the evidence) to fully confront him.

Later I found out that the "decision" he was making was whether or not to leave me and go back to his ex who he was cheating on me with, or stay and work on us. Thing is, at the time he said it, I figured out what he meant, but couldn't really face it.

Once he made the decision to choose me, I did ask him why. He started listing stuff that I did for him and his son and the fact that he knew if he went back to his ex, none of those things would happen. That the cracks in her facade started to show and it made him realize what a mistake he had been making.

I don't know how truthful it is to the moment, but I choose to believe it.

Mine stayed I truly think bc the ow wouldn't want him. He doesn't make enough $ to take her on vacations, buy her jewelry, etc.

-our kids are friends and we are in same social circle. Kids will hate him, so will friends

- he had a LTA of 2 years. In that time, he saw clues she was banging other men. Reality smacked him when I mentioned some things he himself thought.

- he can't afford to leave me. His kids would lose their "family"

Pretty much, for those reasons above, that's why I'm staying- for now. Mainly, the kids. And yes, I know I shouldn't sacrifice my life for theirs, but that's just what I do

My husband never planned to leave. He liked his life. However, since my husband, the cheater, doesn't know why he had an affair, how would he know why he stayed? But, my take is he knows he did something terrible and knows he is suffering living with me and believes he deserves it. He is one sick puppy.

I never asked my husband why he stayed. I know he never planned on leaving me. He talked about purchasing a vaction home smack in the middle of his affair.

He likes his life and I believe he loves me. We just didn't like each other very much during that period of our lives.