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One month out from DDay tomorrow, and I am drowning in my rage. WH continues to express remorse and keeps asking what he can do. He hovers, he tries to keep me healthy by reminding me to take my meds and bringing me food that I forget to eat, he wants to touch and comfort me. All I can do is reject him.

I feel bad that I am being so prickly, but all I can think is, "NOW you want to be kind to me?! Now, after you've ripped out my heart and stomped on it, NOW you want to be kind?!"

I also am having alot of trouble with the fact that my WH made all the choices and reaped all of the benefits of his A -- feeling loved and admired, having a haven from the stress of our boy-filled home, getting mind-blowing sex while I was alone and lonely -- but I am all alone in paying the price.

I feel like D is the only way to make him pay, the only thing that would make him FEEL the weight of what he has done. I want to post billboards describing what a lying, pathetic sack of shit he is, to have him ostracized by the people who still think he is a pillar of the community. I want to hurt him as badly as he hurt me.

And I know in my head that none of that would help. But what do you do with this tidal wave of hate?

What do you do with it?

Give yourself permission to 'feel whatever you feel'. Bathe in the blood of it, just don't drown.

You are only one month out.

It stops...actually it winds down would be a better description...when it winds down.

I don't know your sitch, but begin to channel it coldly...anger channeled healthily seems to result in a cold purpose to protect yourself.

Do that.

I also am having alot of trouble with the fact that my WH made all the choices and reaped all of the benefits of his A -- feeling loved and admired, having a haven from the stress of our boy-filled home, getting mind-blowing sex while I was alone and lonely -- but I am all alone in paying the price.

I can so relate to this. It's infuriating. I'm not a physically violent person, but the knowledge that he saw me lonely and desperate for help and then he went and cyber-fucked someone else makes me want to rip his face off with my fingernails.

I'm so sorry for your pain. The best advice I can give is to tell him to back off. I'm sure the thought of him touching you or hearing how "sorry" he is makes you want to vomit (preferably on his face). He should be willing to do whatever it takes, including giving you the space you need. If you're able, start some sort of physical activity to get your aggression out.

Your anger has been heard. Your pain has been heard. Best of luck to you!

Big hugs (((((krispy47)))))

Do you have an outlet for your rage? I started walking, then running. Running began as an means for me to burn off anger and slowly evolved into something I truly enjoy. I remember that other members joined kick boxing classes or exercise classes that provided a safe outlet for the rage to escape.

I agree with jjct, a part of this process is to feel the anger. But don't let it drive you to do destructive things that are contrary to your best interests in the long run (eg: excessive drinking, vandalism, assault, or lashing out at innocent people). Try to channel the anger and rage constructively.

Sending you grace, dignity and strength.

I guess we have a very similar personality. I also struggle with wanting to wage war wherever I can. I'm sorry you're her and sorry for your pain.

I could have written your post...word for word. I feel the same rage. The same hatred. I want him to pay for what he has done. Just the fact that he is sitting in the living room watching and laughing at a cartoon with my daughter, makes me want to go punch him in the face(I am not a violent person). There are moments when I hate him so much.

[This message edited by JustOneMoreDay at 9:27 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

I have put my WH through Hell for 3 months. I go from anger to acceptance to intellectual understanding to waking him up at night and getting in his face with accusations, nasty words, name calling and anything else I feel. And God knows, I felt rage (and still do) .

I am finally getting to a place where rage is going away, by talking it through with him and MC (who is excellent). But WH knows that I will have good days and bad and he needs to steer the boat when he can. It pisses me off when he can't and neither can I , so I've learned to just get in the boat and hope a higher someone will steer it for both of us.

If you can't handle it sometimes, that's OK. Yes, it sucks that he reaped the benefits, so did my WH, but if we can work our way through this madness, maybe good things will become of it all.

Find a good way to project: work out, listen to songs in the car and sing them loudly, do yoga, kickboxing, play piano, take a walk in the woods and yell loud, pick up the phone, call no one and just yell

Just find something that feels good. I'm not much father along in this process than you are, but I'm trying too so hugs to you.

I remember the absolute searing heat of my rage. It would make me soaked in sweat when I slept. I literally put of an unbelievable amount of heat. Weird....

The other part that you touched on is the injustice. There is no justice for the BS. None. You just get the shit sandwich and that's it. They will never ever ever understand what they did or properly see your side of it. For me that was the hardest to come to terms with. I'm to old to think in terms of fair and unfair but this shit is unfair.

Don't worry at some point you will have enough of rage and it will be replaced by apathy. After apathy it gets better. This all takes a while. For me it was around 18 months.

Good luck...

Yep. I'm there too. I feel better on days when I do hard physical work. Also helps a little with the appetite (or lack thereof). I keep feeling like I should find a way to channel it, make it useful. When you figure out how to turn it into a superpower, let me know! We'll form a legion of BS superheroes.

I feel like D is the only way to make him pay, the only thing that would make him FEEL the weight of what he has done. I want to post billboards describing what a lying, pathetic sack of shit he is, to have him ostracized by the people who still think he is a pillar of the community. I want to hurt him as badly as he hurt me.

And I know in my head that none of that would help. But what do you do with this tidal wave of hate?

Gently - if you want to save your marriage, don't advertise his affair...yet. He is showing you remorse. Take it but don't forget. Been there and done that. You are only one month out. IF there is the slightest chance of you saving your marriage, DO NOT advertise this to the world. For me, in 2008 when my marriage suffered this blow, I kept it under wraps as long as I could until I started blurting it out to family and his friends. There may have been a fine tuned moment for which he might of said to himself that he wouldn't save the marriage because now everyone knows and the course is set. Tred carefully.

Unfortunately, the weight of this burden is heaviest on the BS - you. On one hand, you ARE dying inside and the floor seems to have fallen out. But on the other hand, in order to get through this you MUST keep a level head for yourself and your family because he WILL NOT. What to do with the rage? DO NOT take it out on him and give him more fuel to ignite your life. Find an outlet to let it dissipate. I know you probably feel the least likely to laugh right now but for me, humor saved it. Having a good sarcastic laugh at this helped me process the unfair painful stupidity of the situation.

Hang in there

I know the feeling, too. I couldn't stand to be near him, hear his voice, have him touch me. I couldn't get the visualizations of him with her out of my head. Yes, I too felt the complete rage knowing that he had been so happy with her, when I had been completely alone. I gave him the best years of my life, and he just went and shared them with someone else. I kicked him out immediately, and felt violent every time I have to see or talk to him. Since we have a daughter, I can't completely escape.

I think I only let go of some the rage when I realized that the A was just a symptom of our bad M. We had been distant for a long time, and I had to accept that my dream was not real. When I read people struggling with this for months and YEARS even, I am just even more assured that getting a D is the best path for me. I don't want to live like that, filled with unhappiness and resentment, in constant MC reliving this horror. I can be content alone, and maybe someday I will even venture out. My friends tell me there are many fishes in the sea.

There is so little peace in the early stages of betrayal. I'm sorry for your pain.

Here are two thoughts. In a down moment, when the anger takes a break, remind yourself that as he reaped the temporary "benefits" of sex with another, he lost something much more important - his integrity and trustworthiness. That's the biggest part of his "punishment" or instant karma.

Also, try and gain some perspective on his remorse. The perspective is that he has it. That probably means something important. If he didn't have it, which many don't, you'd really be up shit creek. The perspective is, now you have a possibility to regain a changed life, together with the person you love. Don't get me wrong. I'm not stupid enough to say you're "lucky". You're not "lucky" to have been forced to endure this emotional torture, but with time you may have a chance to survive it and not lose your H.

Again, I'm sorry for the hand you've been dealt. It's a shitty hand.

To be honest, I much preferred the 'anger' stage to the initial helpless stage.

My anger gave me strength, purpose, energy, and direction whereas the "devastated and helpless" stage right after discovery just kept me hanging in limbo, feeling helpless and alone. Jeez, I couldn't even put on my makeup during that stage.

When the anger came along, I was almost invincible and had the energy to do whatever I needed to get done and to give myself some purpose and direction.

So seriously, harness the power of your anger and use it to your advantage.

You ride the tidal wave. You have no choice. You do have a choice about how you channel the rage and if you feel yourself losing control, leave the house, remove yourself from the immediate situation.

Anger is protective emotion. Beneath the anger are many other softer emotions, which when revealed leave you feeling vulnerable. And it's likely that you are too raw for vulnerability now. Hell, your world just imploded.

I struggle with anger and rage too, though less than I did at one month out. It's how I wall myself off from feelings of worthlessness, which are very old and deep feelings that I've carried with me for as long as I can remember. The A fed directly into that schema, that story I have told myself: You are nothing. IC has helped me reveal this and I would recommend IC to you both.

It's ok. You will feel rage. Acknowledge it because it come whether you invite it or not. But it will also pass. Then it will come again and it will pass again. Every time you get through a cycle, it will get a little easier.

((krispy))

You can't look for justice there is none. The WS gets to have exciting sex, romantic fantasy and a soulmate who hangs on very word with passionate interest.

The neglected BS gets humiliated and rejected; of course the WS is so very sorry you had to find out, but you will get over it in time.

I must say my WH was embarrassed at being revealed as the adulterer, but that seems to be the extent of it. Sleeps very well at night.

Thanks for the suggestions. Taking up something active would be good for my body AND give me space to clear my head. Sounds like it's time to get moving!

When you figure out how to turn it into a superpower, let me know! We'll form a legion of BS superheroes.

We would be terrifying and awesome, kicking WS and AP butt and taking names. I think I might hold on to that fantasy.

I know you probably feel the least likely to laugh right now but for me, humor saved it. Having a good sarcastic laugh at this helped me process the unfair painful stupidity of the situation.

Dark, snarky humor is all that is keeping me afloat right now. Fortunately, I have a good friend who speaks sarcasm.

He is showing you remorse. Take it but don't forget. Been there and done that... IF there is the slightest chance of you saving your marriage, DO NOT advertise this to the world.

Also, try and gain some perspective on his remorse. The perspective is that he has it. That probably means something important. If he didn't have it, which many don't, you'd really be up shit creek. The perspective is, now you have a possibility to regain a changed life, together with the person you love.

The jury is still out on how I'm feeling about him. Some days it does still feel like love. Other days it's hate or disgust or apathy. But you're both right about not making rash decsions in the moment, and that is the reason that I have not posted OW's name on any of the slut-shaming sites out there, or slashed any tires, or told our family yet. I know better than to burn bridges until it is clear that I will not be crossing them ever again.

My anger gave me strength, purpose, energy, and direction whereas the "devastated and helpless" stage right after discovery just kept me hanging in limbo, feeling helpless and alone.

Agreed! And rage also feels much better than turning the hurt inward. For the first couple of weeks I felt worthless and at fault, and was was falling down into the dark hole of depression where my monsters live. Rage -- and antidepressants -- helped me climb back out. Feeling powerFUL is so much better than feeling powerLESS.

[This message edited by krispy47 at 8:40 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]

damaged71 puts exactly right as I see it. It's a phase that you work through after the shock and dismay wears off. Eventually the hate subsides and you get to a place where you really don't give a shit.

Hopefully, you WH will keep up his effort and you can move on to a better place. For some of us, the WW or WH never put forth the effort or gave up too soon.

There's hope!

What you are feeling is totally normal. With mine, I was in a sort of psychosis for 1st 72/96 hours, my mind going 150 MPH and not able to sleep for more than 1-2 hours at a time.

Please get help. Counseling. A good counselor (if anything) will be an impartial listener, sometimes talk you down from the edge, provide constructive criticism where needed, show you ways to cope. My counselor was invaluable...as I was a babbling idiot on my 1st visit. She just let me vent.

What you have to do is not make any rash/quick decisions. Divorce may be the only way out of this, but don't make that decision until you can start processing the decision with a focused mind.

Stay strong, reach out to close friends(they are invaluable), and please, get out of the house. Fresh air, pursue old hobbies and pastimes you may have neglected. Go to Meetup.com and find a focus/interest group you like. With me, I found a group that liked to kayak and have after-paddle refreshments(and a couple of beers). The laughter gleaned from those meetups helped guide me thru the b.s. of my existence at the time.

Read the 180, and put the advice into practice. It will help you free your mind! :)

[This message edited by ExpatSouth at 9:00 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]

Ahh, I know the feeling of drowning in rage..

Worked all of my adult life in doing my part to build up our marriage, home, life..Experienced many moments of joy and accomplishment along the way..

In a very short amount of time my WH destroyed it all with his lies, A's, childish BS..

Ours was a very long marriage... It has no chance of being saved..I don't want to take him back..

Unless one is very wealthy or has a WS who is cooperative ( who is generous during a separation agreement) , it takes a long time to get ducks in a row to get out of a long M without financial ruin..

In the meantime the indignity and stigma of living with this person feels like living with a murderer who won't confess the crime and pay the penance..

A very colossal shit sandwich indeed..

For some people this shit sandwich is a deal breaker..

If your WH is cooperative, the best thing may be to D him...

If D can protect you legally and financially, it may lessen some of the layers of indignity/resentment that you feel..

The remorseful WH will be grateful to stay in your life in any form or manner and help you heal..

I remember the absolute searing heat of my rage. It would make me soaked in sweat when I slept. I literally put of an unbelievable amount of heat. Weird....

The other part that you touched on is the injustice. There is no justice for the BS. None. You just get the shit sandwich and that's it. They will never ever ever understand what they did or properly see your side of it. For me that was the hardest to come to terms with. I'm to old to think in terms of fair and unfair but this shit is unfair.

Don't worry at some point you will have enough of rage and it will be replaced by apathy. After apathy it gets better

.

@Damaged71....You are spot on!!!

As I have posted, I raged...I went to a place where writing about it makes me cry. How could the man that I loved do this awful thing to me?

To get past the rage, I have had to seek IC, remove myself from the home, undergo Anger Management and weekly counseling sessions.

When I got to the point where I no longer gave a s--t, the rage and misdirected anger subsided. There are still times when I look at him and want to bash his head in or smother him in his sleep. But mostly, I just want a better life for myself.

Do eat nutritious meals, get some exercise, write in your journal and talk to an IC. I promise you, it does get better.