SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

oh boy...I hate them. Almost 5 years ago, about 3 weeks before our 30th anniversary, I found out about her and his history with her. He was still seeing her and I was still in a state of shock when our anniversary rolled around that year. He was out of town "on business" sent me the usual flowers he always has sent on out anniversary, came home the next afternoon and we went out to eat. Even though I knew he was seeing her and I was thinking of what my next step was going to be, it felt like he really meant it when he said we were gonna work through it and he didn't want to lose me. About 2 weeks later, the flowers were pretty much gone. I jokingly said something like you will need to get me more flowers and he jokingly said something about how much they costs and I don't know why but something in his voice made me go into suspicion mode and I wondered if he had also sent her flowers??? I started checking things...charge cards, reservations, etc and found out that he had come back from his "trip" a day early, spent our anniversary with her...took her out to the same restaurant...then came home to me the next day and acted like all was well. So to me my anniversary is a reminder of THAT day...the day I threw out the dead flowers. We always go on a trip in the fall and sort of consider it our anniversary trip, but it is not even on the same week. It is THE day...that bothers me. It usually happens he is at a work event that week every year...and he still sends the same flowers...I don't have the heart (or guts) to tell him not to...he doesn't understand I don't think and to him those particular flowers on our anniversary means US to him. I have hinted to get me another kind, but he just doesn't know.

I have considered making June our special month...our 1st date...41 years ago. Something we both remember the same way. The old anniversary is never going to be anything nut pain to me.

I feel no need to celebrate broken vows. The next one will most likely come and go with no fanfare. Maybe we'll have a different date to celebrate some day for different reasons but not yet.

As for rings. I took off the ring he gave me on D-day, 3 yrs ago. I took the one I gave him back shortly after. I put them in storage and haven't seen them since. He bought us new ones last year but I just couldn't stand to wear it. I miss the feeling of it and what it stood for but I don't know that I'll ever wear one again.

Well, at 5 plus years past DDay, we will be celebrating our 33rd anniversary on Thursday.

I will not and have not made one single arrangement for one anniversary dinner since DDay. That job now falls into his lap with a host of other things that I will no longer do.

I must say, three years ago, July, my H did make arrangements to have our vows renewed in Italy...actually Capri. Two of our three children were in attendance. One was absent from the vow renewal in protest of his father's behavior.

Our marriage had so many happy times....my H will tell you that his affair was one where felt entitled to a little squeeze on the side. He was told over and over again there was something wrong with him...we now joke what was wrong with him was his huge ego and he was so humble. The affair recovery has been a very humbling experience for him.

I no longer dread our anniversary date. This is the first year that I actually am looking forward to having a nice romantic dinner with him. This is the first year it has gotten easier.

So, take heart, even if your husband is doing all the right things, your heart may not be open celebrating. I don't know if this date has the meaning that it once did for me, but I know the fact that we are still married is certainly something to celebrate...considering what he has done to us.

I will not be celebrating it AT ALL! It is no longer my anniversary even if it is legally.

Crossroads, your story still tugs at my heartstrings.

Its that bittersweet moment when we realize once again that we will never be that special again.

Crossroads, you're story is so gut - wrenching and yet familiar in its coldness. I just shuddered. Take care.

((Crossroads2010))

You need to tell him, that the flowers are a trigger of "THAT" day. His actions had consequences for you and he needs to know that what he thinks of as loving is very painful for you and doesn't remind you of "US". You also need to tell him, that since he had the affair and spent your anniversary with his AP that "The old anniversary is never going to be anything but pain to me."

Thanks ..... I think when it rolls around next time, I will do that...I am beginning to think that I need to be more honest with him about how I feel. Letting go of some of the "old stuff" is needed for a new beginning.

Please do, crossroads. Reconciling means both partners needs to be honest and authentic. You deserve to have statements that mean something to you.

We just went through our first anniversary (12th) almost exactly one month post-Dday. I thought it was going to be absolutely impossible to do anything but feel hatred, sadness, and loneliness on that day, but I was pleasantly surprised by how it went.

The night before, I made the decision to try for R and see if I couldn't make this a "first anniversary" of a new start. I hated the idea that we were "celebrating 12 years" because he had obviously broken the vows that we made 12 years before and in reality, our marriage was broken just after celebrating our 11th (his affair, both EA and PA was just about a year long). However, if he was serious about making a new start and serious about being a true partner (which his actions seem to belie), then I was willing to give him a chance.

So, I changed the entire set up of the day. The night before, I suggested that we sleep in the tent in the backyard with our kids. I would never have suggested this before, but it was wonderful and we all felt like a family for a little bit. Waking up in the morning in such a strange setting started the day off as a true new start. We had a great day as a family on our boat and our kids were just wonderful to us and with us all day. The past month has been filled with so much darkness that it was actually a gift to be able to enjoy most of the day.

Then, we went out of dinner, just the two of us and I had to release the pressure valve of questions, doubts, and insecurities that had been building (but that I had been suppressing in front of the kids) all day. I was truly enjoying dinner, but I just had to get that stuff out and then move on. Of course, to him, the dinner was then "ruined," but we managed to pull out of the tailspin and finish the night off well together.

Obviously, things are still super raw and my anger, sadness, and doubt are still often in a repeat loop, but I was encouraged by the fact that we could have a "good" day even in the midst of it all. I really hope we get to have more.

I don't care about our wedding anniversary either. Finally got a timeline from fWH and it turns out that right around our anniversary in 2011 he was dancing a jig cuz predatory OW wasn't pregnant (they viewed results right around our anniversary).

Don't get me wrong. I'm very very glad it was negative but no way should fWH have ever had to do a pregnancy test with another woman but me. We suffered from secondary infertility for years so this pregnancy scare was especially hard on me when I found out. So it sours our anniversary to learn what secrets and betrayals were occurring right around it.

Maybe we will switch the date to some other time?