Now I'm starting this divorce journey...and reading codependent no more...I could do with some company on my journey.
This is my story so far:
Married 1999. I was so happy,our video of our wedding day has me with a big grin on my face all day. But I was already ignoring some red flags: The Arse had told me early on in our relationship that he didn't get angry (classic passive aggressive trait)and didn't feel things deeply. I chose to disbelieve him, thinking he was responding to my telling him I was scared of anger because of my previous boyfriend. I should have believed him. I also knew that he was friends with all of his exes and many of his friends were women, but he did have long term male friends too. I missed that red flag. But looking back, I can see how he always had close female friends to give him ego kibbles.
From 2000 I don't know why, but he was distancing himself emotionally a bit. It might have been because he was already hiding debt on a credit card from me.This increased over the years, little by little. TBH right from the wedding night I realised that the emotional connection was just missing in sex (we were virgins on our wedding night) but he came too fast first time, so I became the sexual 'caretaker' unable to say what I felt emotionally for fear of hurting him. What I wanted to do was cry that night. I didn't, I stuffed it down and pretended everything was fine. Whenever we had sex I wanted the emotional connection. It was never there and I felt like a blow-up doll. I ended up dreading sex. I take my share of responsibility for that - I didn't know how to talk to him about it, I tried, but couldn't make myself understood. I got used to the emotional distance. Apart from that he was great. Kind, fun etc, but if we got too close emotionally, he'd shut down or passively resist/procrastinate. So I stopped trying after a while. 2002 One of my 'friend's' (let's call her The Mess) got overly flirty with him IN FRONT OF ME. I warned him off and he was careful around her (in front of me, at least). She went on to have an affair with someone else.
2002-2004 There was distance between us. I didn't understand why. Unknown tome, The Arse was starting down the road to internet porn.
2004-2007 We were spending more time together and I felt that we were more connected. I felt safer. We had our first child (me having told him I didn't want to have any if he wasn't 100% behind it & committed to us and didn't want to end up a single mother - could I not hear the concerns I had deep down? gah!). I now realise that The Arse had too close a friendship with a co-worker (lets call her The Diplomat). I don't know how close, but I'm sure they talked about our relationship. I'm sure they flirted a bit.
2007 onwards. Our son was newborn, not even two weeks old. We went out to the shops with me carrying our son in a sling. The Arse and I were stood at the checkout and he blatently flirted with the checkout girl like a dog on heat. It was so hurtful and disrespectful. When we left the store, I called him on it.He turned it all round on me and denied it. Massive red flag. I now realise that he was probably having at least an EA to flirt so openly in front of me. I suspect, either with The Diplomat or a friend of mine who I'll call Bouncy Girl.
I know now, for sure, that before I gave up my job & the housing that came with it, to become a SAHM, The Arse and Bouncy Girl were already in an EA. They started flirting with each other and talking about things they'd been emailing about, but pretended I'd just been out of the room when they'd mentioned it. They'd been exchanging inappropriate emails for a couple of months as well as flirting on the FB scrabble ap. A bit after we moved away, Bouncy Girl told him to rein it in when she could no longer ignore the type of comments he was making in the emails. He told her that I'd seen all of them and was fine with it. They continued playing scrabble,emailing a bit and meeting a couple of times over a couple of years (I believe nothing physical happened, because Bouncy Girl didn't want to become an OW). The Arse was also setting up fake email accounts and using it for porn...and also looking on craigslist for thrills.
The Arse changed to a more enjoyable job away from where he had been. Things got better between us.
2009 We decided to have our second son. Right from his birth, The Arse was emotionally absent from our son, in a way he'd not been with our first. He seemed tired. Shortly after the birth,he got a new job. He met Fat Bottomed Girl for the first time....they started being flirty from the outset
2011 I'm not sure I can believe The Arse on the timeline he gave me, but certainly by Early 2011 he wanted to have an affair with Fat Bottomed Girl,even though he denies that, his actions speak differently. He stopped paying into my private pension, he took up a very short term post where he was working very closely with her. She made her interest very clear and although nothing happened physically then, they were already stepping beyond an EA. By Nov 2011 it was a PA. I knew something was wrong but told myself I was being irrationally jealous and hated myself for it. The Arse was so very plausible and fielded all my questions and did the whole gaslighting thing.
2012 We went to a wedding. Fat Bottomed Girl was there. Apparently they thought they were so discrete and that I didn't know anything was up. They were wrong. Very wrong. I spent that day watching them flirt with each other and using my children to flirt. They had been seated next to each other, I was seated with both my children (incl highchair) between us. It was hell. The I had to go back to the hotel to look after the children, while The Arse went back to the party...he flirted with her all night. I'm grateful that one of our children was ill in the early hours,so he had to come and help when I phoned him...otherwise I have no doubt that they would have ended up in her room together.
I'm not going to go into all the ins and outs of it, but that was when I started actively looking for proof. Late Aug 2012, I found the first bit. I got us into MC. The Arse lied, manipulated and minimised and got the counsellor to help him in making ME change. Every time we went, I would have found something new, incl at least one broken NC. Finally, after 4 months,The Arse confessed to the full PA. During those 4 months, he never comforted me in my pain. He blameshifted, gaslit and trickletruthed.
2013 I thought we were in R, he was getting IC with our MC, but I kept finding new things: the hidden debt, the hook up aps on his phone, the secret email accounts. Feb 2013 he wrote a timeline and bought me a'forever love' charm for Valentines. March 2013 Fat bottomed Girl got back in contact. He stopped paying into our holiday fund that month. I knew something was wrong and got us back into MC with a different counsellor. She wouldn't let him manipulate her. He didn't like it.She told me I'd suffered trauma and he just..detached from me forever. He left at the end of April. I took it very hard after he left and tried to love him back. It didn't work, but he kept hoovering me just enough for me not to give up for a long time.
2013-2014 I've had counselling and been working on me. It's been a very long journey. I've found it VERY hard to detach and don't always manage it. I'm now relying on government benefits and some CS. Despite this, I managed to save up enough to pay off half the joint account overdraft (that I knew nothing about) and got The Arse to take me off the account. I've also saved up some to put a retainer down for a solicitor, but don't know how long that will last. I've signed the divorce petition.
I can now recognise that The Arse's treatment of me over the years, but especially after dday, has been emotionally abusive. I also recognise my own co-dependence and how that was part of things too. I'm not blaming myself, but I am working on myself so I don't get caught in the same dynamic again.
I'll only be able to post things after they've happened because I told The Arse about this site while in false R and I don't want to let him know things before they happen!
But will you walk with me in my journey?
[This message edited by Softcentre at 5:34 AM, April 6th, 2014 (Sunday)]