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silentlucidity (original poster new member #39769) posted at 1:51 PM on Wednesday, April 9th, 2014
My BS is now bringing up one of my ex GF from 20 yrs ago, saying I am not over her and still think about her, this was 20 yrs ago, I haven't heard from her, seen her or infact had anything to do with them for 20 yrs.
Y is she going back to me ex GF and saying I still hold a torch.
The only person that brings my xGF up is my BS.
Accepted my x GF cheated on me, but again that was 20 yrs ago, am I bitter, No, do I think Y, No, do I care, NO !
I don't know what to do, I am losing her
WH (Me) 42
BS 37 (Olwen)
DS 10 1/2
Married : 14 Yrs
Together : 19 Yrs
A lot of TT's
Our choices are our own, Nobody made us do it.
Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 2:05 PM on Wednesday, April 9th, 2014
Have you asked her why she thinks this?
Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again
Staying together for the kids
D-day 2010
somethingremorse ( member #42047) posted at 2:44 PM on Wednesday, April 9th, 2014
She is afraid. That comes out in different ways. I am willing to bet that not all of those ways make sense to us WS.
Our jobs are to listen, and then to take action. You cannot get defensive while she is processing this fear.
Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC
Aubrie ( member #33886) posted at 2:55 PM on Wednesday, April 9th, 2014
Have you told your wife the total and complete truth about your A? Because I recall you being very wishy-washy on details. Even when you were posting here.
If your wife has even a smudge of doubt in regards to your honesty and authenticity, you can bet your hide she doubts other relationships in your life. After all, if you can lie about A, what stops you from lying about B?
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
20WrongsVs1 ( member #39000) posted at 7:44 PM on Wednesday, April 9th, 2014
What Aubrie said.
SL, I'm sensing frustration and maybe even some anger. Am I getting that right? You have every right to feel frustrated or angry. Just make sure you direct your ire at the right person. That'd be yourself, for the record. Not olwen. She didn't ask for any of this, and it is your job to help her feel safe in the M now, and to be patient and understanding while she processes and heals from the hurt you perpetrated on her. The conventional wisdom around here is, that can take five years, or longer. Because of your betrayal, olwen may very well have irrational fears or worries, like the one you're bringing up here about xGF.
Just because olwen's fear may not necessarily be grounded in fact, as perhaps in this particular instance, her feelings are completely valid and understandable. If you're serious about helping her heal, and becoming a safe & trustworthy H again, I suggest you be very careful about how you react when she brings up fears or worries. Especially ones that you do not agree with or comprehend.
fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."
authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 8:39 PM on Wednesday, April 9th, 2014
I agree with the others. Don't get defensive, answer her questions patiently and always truthfully. Olwen is processing her fear and anger and however she needs to do it, you need to be supportive of (barring abuse, of course).
It may not make sense to you, but nothing about this makes any sense. Olwen's world was shattered and whatever seemed logical to her in the past is no longer logical. You need to understand and respect that.
DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.
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